


Hear me out and love will follow

by mynameisnotthepoint, rikotin



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: A Cappella, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Canon Trans Character, Characters are all in their 20s, Collaboration fic, F/F, F/M, Flatshare Shenanigans, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Non-binary character, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Sibling Quarrels, Singing, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, heartfelt discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 100,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21759136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mynameisnotthepoint/pseuds/mynameisnotthepoint, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikotin/pseuds/rikotin
Summary: A year ago, David moved to Berlin with his sister, finding a real group of friends along with a new passion in the form of a cappella. Meanwhile, after his mental health hit an all time low a year ago, Matteo is finally returning to arranging and singing with his a cappella group, ready to step back on stage.When their slowly growing friendship turns into something more, they are suddenly stuck in a situation of wanting to get closer but hoping to get away. As they stumble through highs and lows, one question remains:Will they sing a duet, or is all that is left two silent solos?
Relationships: Laura Schreibner/Linn Shira, Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Comments: 77
Kudos: 142





	1. Somewhere just beyond my reach

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It's finally here, the a cappella slow-burn fic we've been working on for two months :) We also have a weekly playlist that updates along with chapter, the link to it and the major songs used in this chapter are in the end notes! 
> 
> We're planning on updating every Wednesday :) you can find us on tumblr as [rikotin](https://rikotin.tumblr.com/) and [mynameisnotthepoint](https://mynameisnotthepoint.tumblr.com/), where we share little sneak peeks of what's to come on Six Sentence Sundays.

The bright October sun crept through the tall windows of the flat, bathing the kitchen in a soft glow. On the kitchen table there were cut up cucumber slices, a bowl of cherry tomatoes, different cheeses on a wooden plate, and a container with freshly prepared hummus – a proper Sunday breakfast. _La vie en rose_ was playing softly from the record player, the crackling music filling every corner of the general living space that made up the open kitchen and living room. Across the table, Laura was exaggeratingly serenading Linn, hand gestures and all, replacing all the male pronouns with female ones – showing off her questionable French skills in the process – and being so sappy even the excellent farmers’ market tomatoes looked dry in comparison. 

David sighed, tiredly smiling at the scene before him. He was happy for his sister. After all the difficulties they had been through with their parents, Laura deserved this ray of happiness, cast by one of the kindest and sweetest people he had ever met. Linn could have a bite to her if she really wanted, but in most situations exuded exactly the kind of calmness and homeliness that Laura, with all her brash love and adult responsibilities as an engineering executive, desperately needed. 

When Laura started belting out the chorus, _Quand ELLE me prend dans ses bras, ELLE me parle tout bas, je vois la vie en rose_ , David grimaced at the growing pounding at his temples and cursed Laura’s love for the French singer with her brass instruments. He had looked forward to this breakfast for the last few days, ever since Laura told him she would be making her famous hummus, but right now he would have given anything to go back to bed and sleep for another few hours. Last night, he’d only come home at around three in the morning thanks to Leonie and her penchant for karaoke nights at their favourite queer bar. Too many drinks later, David was dancing his heart out to questionable singing and it hadn’t mattered that the tall muscled guy was just not _Born this way_ to sing a Lady Gaga song. David actually really loved going out and dancing the night away, but what he didn’t love was getting back home after a long night: the flat he and Laura had gotten when they had moved from Hamburg to Berlin a year ago had been in a nice neighborhood and the best flat they could have wished for, but it was a lot further out than either of them would have liked. 

Something was prodding into his left butt cheek, making him sigh deeply again. When he’d sat down, he hadn’t thought to check for any stray knick knacks on the chair, still drowsy from his five hours of sleep. Laura was a whirlwind on most days and generally kept her corners of the apartment quite tidy, but the same couldn’t be said for her array of hair utensils. In an attempt to tame her unruly curls, she deposited her weapons all over the surfaces of the flat – much to David’s constant annoyance. However, David had no clue how this particular bobby pin had ended up under his ass. 

He scooted over and extricated the offending piece of wire, frowning at it, and considering for a second if he should toss it right into Laura’s coffee mug as a revenge for his sufferings. He turned to his sister, who had abandoned her serenading attempts and was now being fed bits of pita with hummus by her girlfriend. Linn seemed to be talking about her flat situation again.

“Yeah, it’s just that we haven’t had the heart to really look for someone, you know? Especially after… I mean, uh...” 

Linn cast her eyes down, putting the piece of pita she had been nibbling on back on her plate. Laura gently took Linn’s hand, and stroked it with her thumb.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But maybe you really should start looking for someone? I mean, your PhD money is not enough to fill the gaps, and what does Matteo even earn at that pizza place he works at? A third person could really help relieve you two of that stress at least.”

Laura and Linn had gotten together not six months ago, but they seemed so integrated in each other’s lives. Laura had been over at Linn’s flat almost every week, and with Linn it had been the same. David had noted Linn always had this soft look, tinged with sadness, whenever she talked about her flatmate, but never really questioned her about it as she seemed reluctant to talk about him more than she needed. David really hoped they would get out of their tight situation soon. However, this conversation wasn’t a new one, so David didn’t feel too bad butting in.

“Laura, seriously, please keep your hair things somewhere they belong. Or on the counters at least? I swear, the next time I walk past that second hand shop close to uni, I will bring back the most hideous pots I can find and deposit them all over the flat. This thing almost poked a hole in my thigh! Where would you be when your lead singer was out because of injury?”

David waved the bobby pin around and grinned at his sister. She snatched the thing out of his hands and put it in the pocket of her kimono, sending an angry glare in his direction. 

“If you stop leaving your art supplies strewn across the coffee table. I almost drank your dirty paint water the other day because I put my glass of whiskey right next to it.”

“Deal. I’ll buy you a few nice baskets instead.”

At the mention of the basket, Linn got a dreamy look in her eyes and sighed. 

“Laura, do you remember last pride? Hans got me this pink basket filled with glitter, and instructed me to spray you with it when you came back from the parade.”

“Yeah, and your flatmate’s face was just priceless when you dumped the rest of it on him. Too bad we didn’t get a picture of it.”

They both laughed heartily, while David was a bit amused about the sudden change of topic. Linn shuffled around and got out her phone.

“But I did get a nice one while we were waiting for you. I had this wonderful unicorn headband, I think I borrowed it from one of Matteo’s friends. Did you ever see that picture, David?”

David shook his head. He had seen one or two pictures of her flatmate, but the guy pretty much stayed out of any cutesy instagram content his sister and her girlfriend captured at Linn’s flat. Linn handed over her phone – after some protest from Laura, who said that her girlfriend covered in glitter was the most beautiful thing in the world and she could have looked at Linn in a unicorn ensemble all day. Staring back at him from the phone screen was indeed Linn, her hair looking like it had been dipped in a rainbow, with a unicorn headband and a matching pastel green shirt. Next to her was a boy with the clearest eyes and prettiest smile David had ever seen. His hair was a birds’ nest, yet somehow still looked soft, blond locks draped on top of a fresh undercut. He was wearing a thin rainbow patterned sweater, and his cheeks had subtle rainbow stripes on them. There was something melancholic about him, even through his smile, that David couldn’t quite put his finger on. 

He only noticed he’d been staring for a bit too long when he heard his sister snicker from across the table. 

“Seen something you like?”

David snapped his head up instantly. Linn rolled her eyes and shook her head at her girlfriend’s antics, a smile playing at her lips.

“That’s my best friend and flatmate you’re talking about.”

She turned to David.

“But we do look very good, so thank you for appreciating us.”

Laura spluttered.

“I also said you looked good! How could you thank him, and not me, your ever loving girlfriend?”

Linn turned around and put her arms around her girlfriend, going in for a conciliatory kiss. David sighed, and gathered up some stuff to put into the fridge. It would be best to leave the lovebirds to themselves before they started serenading each other again. He still had a persistent headache to cure – and an essay to finish, which he was very much not looking forward to. 

David had completed his bachelor’s in teaching in record time while still living in Hamburg. Art and music studies had swallowed him as he simply aimed to be done with them as soon as possible and lead a life someplace far away from their hometown. After he wrapped up his studies in five semesters, during which he basically lived at the university, and applying to different graduate programs outside of Hamburg, he got his acceptance letter from Humboldt University. Berlin had always been high on his list, and as his sister had been looking for a change of scenery too, she had brought up the move with her boss in Hamburg. As a head engineer, she was swiftly offered a transfer to the Berlin office of the company and thus able to continue working right away – with a rather hefty paycheck. 

The timing had been perfect, really, and as David had been waiting for the fresh start, he found no trouble in blending in and finding new friends. The uni offered a LGBTQ+ group which had meetings and parties. Other than that, the uni also had a good selection of sports courses, which David had tried out in his first two semesters. And really, David was a bit of a social butterfly, so it had taken him almost no time to settle right in.

He was pulled out of his reverie by a student brushing past him, telling him rather angrily he was blocking their way. It was lunchtime, and David found himself in the middle of the student cafeteria with his grey tray, looking for Sam. She spotted him standing awkwardly, surrounded by students filing past him, and waved him over. That day, she was wearing blue and purple intricately woven braids that matched her bright and bold personality like a glove. David steered over to her corner in the cafeteria as he held his tray high over people’s heads and maneuvered his way down the aisle, past other students’ backs, using sheer willpower to not tip his cup of Jell-o out over their heads. 

After he’d put his tray down, Sam jumped up enthusiastically to greet him. He’d only met her last semester when they had a shared class in music theory. She was also studying to be a teacher, but unlike David, she had the more uncommon combination of French and Music – and David was simply counting the days until she would start rambling about Piaf like his sister. Even though David and Sam hadn’t known each other for that long, they got along really well. Also, Sam seemed to be really close with Leonie, always accompanying her on their queer bar nights. 

When they had both gotten seated, Sam took up her fork and poked at the piece of meat on her tray. 

“Schnitzel with fries again... They couldn’t be more stereotypically German if they tried. Honestly, do they want us to live past forty?”

David snickered. He and his friends had this running joke that the cafeteria only had two options, pasta or some form of potato, and obviously, today proved to be no different, as he had snatched up the vegetarian lasagna. Although, lasagna was always on the better end of the pasta scale. Yeah, sure, there was this other cafeteria where you had to weigh your stuff, but that always turned out more expensive than the fixed meals. 

“I’m lucky to be mostly vegetarian, huh?”

“Oh, please. Leonie is always trying to make me go vegan. Like, every time we go out to eat. I even buy the vegetarian option just to please her!”

Sam fondly shook her head. 

“And Sara is trying to get us to do yoga. It apparently helps with the expression of the self. Honestly, I prefer singing or dancing any time of day. Yoga makes me go woozy, it feels like doing drugs. I’m not about that life.”

David just laughed. Sam always managed to make the most random subjects sound interesting. Sometimes she could be a bit too brash, but after living with Laura for 22 years, he had gotten used to that kind of thing. 

“Any new songs on your group’s repertoire?” he asked.

On one of their long days at the library writing essays, Sam had told him that she was in an a cappella group, which had piqued his interest. For just under a year now, he had been part of a different group, the formation of which Laura had orchestrated. Singing was pretty much the thing he and Sam had clicked over, as Sam was endlessly curious about David’s group’s whereabouts and always sharing the funniest stories about hers.

“Oh, yeah. Some cool ones as well. One of these days, you and me are going to have a sing-off and I will be victorious,” Sam announced.

She clapped her hands and laughed mischievously. Then her face turned into a frown.

“But honestly, our arranger? He’s _such_ a mess. Like, he’s always hanging off things. It’s like his feet can’t touch the floor. Ever. If he has to stand, he’s always leaning against a wall, flopping about like wet spaghetti. Once, and I’m really not kidding, he fell asleep while we were singing _Pompeii._ I was getting into my fabulous solo when there was this thunk, and there he was, just lying on the floor, snoozing off! Can you imagine? Like, he's really kind and super talented at what he does, but fuck, he needs to sleep more.”

David shook his head. The guy did seem like a bit of a tool, from what he could tell based on Sam’s stories. David shoved a piece of his lasagna in his mouth. To his utter disappointment, it turned out they had somehow managed to undercook the pasta. So much for the lucky pick. He wrinkled his nose to which Sam responded with an _I told you so_ -gesture. 

After a bit of crunching, he managed to swallow his bite and asked:

“So, did you talk to Leonie about Friday? Yannick said he can’t come, but Ola and Paul are in.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ve found the most bi outfit ever! It’s going to be great! My friend Hans said that he’ll also be there, so we’ll get some voguing as well.”

David let out an impressed _ooh_ , quirking up his eyebrows. Sam grinned and tried to make some dance moves, although most of them came out weirdly as she was still seated. 

The university’s LGBTQ+ group organized party nights every couple of weeks, and they were a nice way to meet other queer students and faculty members. David had gotten to know most of their big group at a queer discussion evening. Sam hadn’t been able to make it because she had had a performance with her singing group that night, but Leonie and Sara had kindly accompanied him. David had dragged Laura with him as well, and even though she hadn’t technically been a student, she had fit right in. On that night, he had met most of his friend group and half of his current a cappella group. Truly, it had been one of the best nights of his life. 

“Let’s do pre-party at my place? The red flat is always up for some drinks. Maybe we’ll finally get my flatmate Mia to go out with us again.”

Sam smiled conspiratorially at him and popped another bite of schnitzel into her mouth.

After a long afternoon filled with classes, David was hopelessly running behind schedule and arrived almost 20 minutes late to singing practice. He pushed open the heavy door leading to their practice space and was promptly received with a mix of Laura’s scolding and others’ greetings. He sheepishly flung his stuff in the corner of the room and joined the row of people. After that, David had to swear on his life that he had warmed up his voice on the way to the place and they dived straight into a sing-through of their songs for the upcoming a cappella night at a local bar&café.

Much like being behind forming their group, _Dolce Fermata_ , – a name which Laura had reluctantly agreed to after David had announced he would never in this lifetime take part in anything named after Édith Piaf – Laura had also been the one to convince the owner of the bar to take up the a cappella nights. The owner happened to be her ex, Marie, with whom she still happened to be good friends. A lot of patience and persuasion later, Laura had managed to get a deal with Marie that there were going to be certain nights dedicated to a cappella group performances. To this day, Marie insisted she had only agreed to it because the regular pantomime night host had to move away from Berlin after they’d gotten a new job. Laura simply believed herself to be convincing and irresistible.

After they had gone through the songs for the upcoming evening for a few times, with some minor adjustments, they slipped into goofing off with _Beat it_ – a song they had performed some time ago and that David had been the lead singer for. Mohammed had suggested he’d try to lead the song, which was turning out to be an awful idea, as he as a bass singer simply couldn’t reach the high notes David was able to: his attempts sounded more like a screeching squirrel than anything else.

After the third try of Mohammed shouting a high-pitched “Beat it”, everyone burst out laughing, unable to continue with singing.

“Hey, not fair! Keep it up!” Mohammed exclaimed, his voice cracking with laughter despite his hard efforts of keeping himself together.

“Dude, you sound like you’ve inhaled some stale helium,” Essam cackled, wiping their now teary eyes, “I can’t– that was golden! Oh my god, I can’t breathe.”

Mohammed scoffed, punching Essam’s shoulder, letting out another high-pitched squeal. David threw his head back, laughing brightly along with the others. Despite the short time the group had been together, the people in it had become his closest friends. When Laura had suggested forming a group, David had been a bit sceptical. Back when they still lived in Hamburg, David had been performing as a busker from his early teens. The guitar had felt like an extension of himself, while he had circled around the streets of Hamburg’s busy city center, singing his lungs out of old classics and current hits and being rewarded with coins and applause. 

David hadn’t done it for money at first. He had picked up a guitar and got into performing simply to get away from home from time to time. Their parents were never ones for gentle love. They had always been painfully strict, even in David’s earliest memories: whether it was him making too much noise playing his guitar, gaming too much, not doing enough chores, or talking back to them, or whether it was Laura being out too late, hanging around with the wrong people, being childish for shouting at their mother, or disrespecting them by ‘throwing away her intelligence for music’. Whatever it was, they’d get scolded, and sometimes David just hadn’t been able to stomach any more critique and had to get away from everything for a little while.

That’s how he found himself in parks and on street corners, playing his guitar and singing his songs, losing himself in to the music and people’s smiles. Then, one summer, when he was out in a park, playing to a small group of passersby who had stopped to listen, a little child had run up to him and opened his guitar case, throwing in a euro coin. The kid had had a big, toothy smile as they had given David a thumbs up and sprinted away. It really had thrown David off, so much so that when other people came forward, following the kid’s example and throwing some coins into the case – sometimes even bigger notes – he could only let out a nervous laugh and thank everyone. 

This occurrence, however, planted an idea into his head: he could actually start raising some money by doing what he loved and with it, save up for the future. At the time, the tension in the house had become suffocating. David and Laura had always had a good relationship, but under the pressure and constant fights and stinging comments from their parents, even the two of them were having some troubles with communicating and snapping at each other. It was clear they both needed a fresh start but didn’t know when it would come. Also, after David came out to his parents, they had said some hurtful things without meaning to, and even though they did take it quite well and were mostly confused, they had taken an awfully long time to actually use his correct pronouns and name, and did verbalize being against possible operations while he was underage. So, it had been quite clear from the start that David was going to have to look after himself and save up for the possible hospital fees in the future.

Ultimately, the problems that had started out small had only grown bigger. David was having some problems at school, which weren’t too big of a deal but enough to throw his mood instantly. Meanwhile their parents were starting to get on his and Laura’s nerves even more, keeping a ridiculously close eye on their movements and dropping mean comments, and although those were mostly by accident, it hurt more every time. David turned 18 and started testosterone hormone therapy shortly after, struggling through second puberty during his abi exams. With his high efforts he was able to ace them, but right after his abitur their parents dropped a surprise, that really wasn’t one at all: they wanted David and Laura to move out.

They sat down with David and Laura, masking their wish as a suggestion, but in the end it their parents basically threw them out by stating that _as they were now both adults, their parents shouldn’t have to clean up their messes all the time, seeing that they lived like pigs in the house_. David was mostly shocked by the fact that they their parents would really throw them out, while Laura had gotten angrier than David had ever seen her before – or seen since – shouting at their parents with ice in her eyes and roaring fire in her words. After that, David and Laura had opted to move out together and gotten a place of their own. Their flat became their new home they both liked a lot, despite it being in a bit dingy area of Hamburg.

After that, their relationship with their parents had never really been fixed. It was mostly their mother’s fault. To this day, she still insisted on not having done anything wrong in the situation. After David and Laura moved to Berlin, they rarely even called with their parents anymore. 

Ironically, it turned out that their family insurance could actually cover David’s top surgery. As he was still insured under his parents, he had contacted their father to ask about it. Surprisingly, his father had agreed to make the arrangements and even offered to pay for aftercare, which Laura, however, promptly turned down, saying the pay at her engineering job was quite enough to cover that, _thank you very much_. David did appreciate their father’s attempt to mend their relationship, but wasn’t able to forgive him for everything that had been done. After that his father had only called in once to check how the surgery had gone – he hadn’t really talked to his mother in over a year. 

But whatever the situation with their parents was now, one thing was sure: five months ago one of his biggest wishes had finally come true and his current life was pretty damn great. David did sometimes wonder how he’d ever be able to repay Laura for everything she had done, from taking care of him after their move to paying for his surgery after care to forming an a cappella group to get David off the streets, saving his fingers from playing in the winter and bringing all these fantastic friends into his life in the process, to just being there for him every time he needed it most.

“Okay, idiots! Listen up!”

Laura’s voice rang through the practice room and was accompanied by a few sharp claps, shaking David out from his thoughts and making the laughter died down a bit.

“Good job today, everyone! As we know, the performance is getting closer but we’re more than ready to shine there. Leonie, check your notes for _Ex’s and Oh’s_ to make sure you’re not going too high in the refrain. And David, _articulation_ , you’re still swallowing up some ends of the words. See you in a couple of days!”

Laura grinned widely and there was a short applause from everyone for the ending of the practice – a little habit they had taken up. Afterwards, they scattered all over the space to gather up their things. The door was pushed open and Amira stepped into the room, smiling.

“Are you guys done for the day?”

“Ayy, Litschi!” 

Essam walked to Amira, pumping her fist as she made her way to the center of the room. David called out a greeting as well, which she answered with a warm smile. David liked Amira a lot. She wasn’t a part of Dolce Fermata – claiming she had a voice of a crow – but she visited the practice regularly, since her brothers and boyfriend were all part of it. She was smart and had lots of opinions which she did not hesitate to share with people, but she was also gentle and thoughtful. Amira and Mohammed had been engaged for some time now, and David couldn’t imagine a better pair – even though seeing Mohammed be all mushy and sweet with her after all this time did make David cringe a bit.

Amira threw her arms around Mohammed to properly greet him and he looked at her fondly. As they separated, Mohammed asked:

“Matteo had to leave already?”

“Yeah, he couldn’t stay. He promised to meet up with Hanna. We had a nice time though, and the tea place he found was a very cosy one.”

“With Hanna, huh? Poor guy has to go over to the red nightmare flat again?” Mohammed let out a short laugh as Amira smacked his arm.

“Don’t be mean,” she hissed, her smile betraying her stern tone.

“The one who painted those walls was mean. Matteo’s words, not mine!” Mohammed hurriedly said as Amira laughed and lifted her hand again.

“Gotta whoop his ass the next time I see him, then?”

“You won’t though,” Omar pitched in, grinning. Amira rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in fake annoyance. Laura walked up beside Omar, looking intrigued.

“What about Matteo?”

“He’s the one who is able to make Amira soft and scold him at the same time. I haven’t really talked to him, though. He’s a quiet guy,” Omar shrugged and Laura hummed in affirmation.

“Ah yeah, he’s Linn’s flatmate. He seems nice.”

“He _is_ nice. And I only scold him when necessary,” Amira smiled sweetly, picking up Mohammed’s coat from the floor a few steps away.

“We should hurry, our parents want you over for dinner tonight.”

David had listened to the whole exchange while trying to nod like he was paying attention to Sara’s story about something that happened to her at work that day. So Amira was good friends with Matteo, who also was a flatmate of Linn's. It was honestly a miracle they hadn’t really ever talked, as Mohammed was very close to David and Linn was Laura’s girlfriend. Of course they had passed each other a few times, said a _hello_ here and there, but there was always something that made either of them leave shortly after. It did frustrate David a bit. If he was being honest, Matteo had captured his eye from the very first time he had seen a glimpse of him and after all the stories he had heard here and there, he wanted to know more – not that he’d ever admit to it.

“David? Hello?” 

Sara snapped her fingers, trying to get David’s attention. She looked amused as David dumbly stared at her for a few seconds.

“Huh?”

“I said, at what time should we meet up on Friday? Did you listen to anything I just told you? Am I that boring?”

Sara let out an exaggerated fake sniff, imitating being close to tears. Leonie laughed at her performance and David couldn’t stop the smile raising to his lips as he shook his head.

“You drama queen. Sorry, I was a bit lost in thought. Let’s meet up at seven?”

  
  


On Friday, after a long pregame, they left the red flat slightly inebriated. Mia, one of Sam’s flatmates had declined to come, as she was battling her thesis, and her flatmate Victoria was out with her own friends; the last two – and only straight – flatmates had treated themselves to dinner and a movie, and hadn’t been home either. But they’d had nothing against their group of nine imbibing different kinds of alcohol and listening to some great tunes while getting progressively drunker.

Sam was currently hanging off Leonie and Sara, and David had been roped into a discussion about the merits of having an all-rainbow outfit at pride with Paul and Ola, while the rest of the group was walking 50 metres or so ahead of them, singing a Troye Sivan song at the top of their lungs. The night was crisp, but not too cold to walk around with a fishnet top paired with a fluffy jacket and a thick-knit rainbow scarf – courtesy of Laura, who had insisted her lead singer not damage his throat before their first appearance at their a cappella showcase in Marie’s bar.

The group reached the bar where the queer evening took place this time around, and were let in by a tired-looking bouncer. After dropping off their jackets, David rushed onto the dance floor, the girls trailing behind him. Soon enough, Leonie and Sara were jumping around, holding onto each other’s shoulders, while Sam was dropping some serious moves. David danced his way over to her, feeling the beat of the bass in his bones, and together they worked up a sweat, contorting their bodies in fluid motions. After a bit, _Dancing on my own_ came on, and they gathered together with the others and started dancing in a circle – well, if you could even call it that, it was more that awkward hopping from one foot to the other that a lot of Germans tended to do, blame Ola and their two left feet – and screaming along to the lyrics, trying to overcome the deep bass that was thundering from the speakers. 

Through the crowd, David spotted Sam’s friend Hans, decked out in a glittery jacket and a mariner’s cap, his face adorned with a very dramatic smokey eye. He was sitting at the bar, hunched sideways and drinking an orange cocktail, talking to the person besides him, dressed in baggy jeans and a loose sweater. When his companion looked up, David stopped in his tracks. There they were: light, messy locks of hair and light blue hooded eyes, staring off into the distance, fairy-like in the changing disco light – Linn’s flatmate, Matteo. 

His view was abruptly blocked by some muscled guy in a tank top and leather shorts, which David couldn’t complain about, but the guy wasn’t really his type. When the guy had shimmied away, Hans and Matteo had vacated their seats and David couldn’t help but let out a sigh of disappointment. They really kept missing each other. Every time. 

Some reggaeton song came on, and Leonie roped him into a surly dance, her body rolling up against his, Sam and Sara doing the same beside them. The girls broke out into salsa dancing, like they had all learned at their dance classes in high school. Sara was soon falling over her own feet, and got whisked away by Paul to get a drink at the bar, and David left Leonie to Sam, who seemed much more into the dancing than he currently felt. 

Meanwhile, David made his way to the toilets – which were all the way at the back of the club, but at least gender neutral ones – and went to splash some water onto his face. Some very aggressive kissing noises reverberated through the room. Just as he made to leave, a figure bumped into him. When he looked up, those hooded blue eyes were staring back at him.

“Uh… sorry. Um…” 

Where had David’s sense of eloquence gone? Where were the fancy words he used in all his essays and writings? Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the proximity to those wonderful eyes. Matteo gave him a half-smile, then ducked his head and made an aborted curtsy before awkwardly pointing at the stalls, where a slight moaning could be heard from now.

“I… uh…”

“Oh, yeah, I’ll let you through, of course. Here you go, dear sir.”

David made a flourish with his hands, in a desperate attempt to save his dignity.

For a moment, he just stood there and listened to shuffling feet and the click of the stall door’s lock. Then he shook his head, berating himself: _dear sir? Really?_ David considered if he should stay for a bit to try and exchange a few more words with Matteo, but decided on it being a bit too weird to just keep standing around besides the toilet sinks and returned to the dance floor. He has already been awkward enough for one evening.

Just as he found back to his group, the first bars of Bohemian Rhapsody crept out of the speakers. Leonie and Sam, who had their arms slung around each other’s waists, pulled him in and together, with the appropriate Freddie Mercury-imitation, they started singing along.

_Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see._

From the corner of his eye, he could see a figure with light hair and baggy clothes leave the room.

_I see a little silhouetto of a man. Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?_

Leonie tipped up his chin and together, they went into the crescendo. He lived in the here and now, with his friends, having fun. No amount of blue eyes and shaggy blond hair could change that.

Dusk was setting over the Spree, and the colorful remnants of the Berlin Wall were slowly losing their brightness. It was a Sunday evening, and couples leisurely strolled past David, enjoying the last glow of the retreating daylight. A family of quirky Italians had just asked him for the nearest pizza place in very broken English, and had left several euros in his basket as thanks for his recommendation. All in all, his afternoon and evening had played out quite well so far. 

For several weeks, he’d been busking here. The adrenaline he got from playing at a place that could earn him a 1000 euro fine was better than anything he could experience on his morning runs or triweekly gym visits. The tourists were also very generous with their tips, although he never knew what to do with the stray dollar bills that made it into his guitar case. 

He’d basically gone through his whole repertoire now. The clammy dampness of the river bank was slowly creeping into his bones, making him suppress an involuntary shiver. Soon, he would have to gather up his stuff and leave. But not yet. Not until he had played his full hour. Not before he had seen a police car in the distance. The crowd was thinning, and he knew he needed to play a pleaser. 

So he played and sang _Hey Jude._ A cute old lady clapped her hands and approached him closely, waving her husband over and demanding he come dance with her like in the old times. To indulge them, he transitioned immediately to _Here Comes the Sun_ , even though the actual sun had gone down quite some time ago. When he had played his last notes and wanted to rub his hands together for just a second, all the while on the lookout for the police, the old lady came up to him and handed him a 50 pound note. He thanked her profusely – even though he would have appreciated a 50 euro one much more – and pocketed the bill immediately. The old lady gave him a little wave and hooked her arm into her husband’s. Together, they tottered off, lovingly talking among themselves.

After holding his hands in his pockets for a minute, he grabbed his guitar, which he had deposited at his feet. He strummed the first notes of his last song of the day. A bit too fast. He slowed down some. The first lines rolled off his tongue like slow waves going to shore, starting out loud and tapering off towards the end. The song wasn’t a happy one, but it somehow profoundly resonated with him. It felt like a slow stream nearing a rapid, but then somehow branching off and continuing much like it had before, a bit murky and melancholy, but persevering nonetheless. He had made his own little version of it, trying to emulate both the piano and the guitar in the acoustic version with a mix of fingerpicking and strumming. 

Just as he got to the second chorus – _oh, clean eyes_ – a person walked up to him. A person with baggy clothes and tousled hair. Matteo. For a second, David’s voice ceased to cooperate. Matteo had stopped in his tracks and was hovering close to his guitar case. He had his eyes cast down, not looking at David or the street. David got a bit louder, trying to get him to look up. Matteo fumbled inside his pocket and pulled out a two euro coin, dropping it into David’s guitar case. Then, he lightly stroked the case, never looking up, and after stretching again, Matteo slowly started walking off, just as David played his last bars. 

“Hey!”

Matteo stopped in his tracks, and turned to look back at David. He looked tired. 

“Thanks for… you know,” David gestured towards the guitar case on the ground, swaying on his feet a little awkwardly.

A private half-smile played on Matteo’s lips. He waited for a few beats, and then answered, the words barely above a whisper.

“I appreciate an artist when I see them.”

Something warm bloomed in David’s chest, spreading out into his freezing toes and ice-cold fingertips. Matteo brought his gaze over to the river, and then continued in that same soft voice, not looking at him:

“The way you made those notes your own. It was wonderful to listen to.”

David was frozen for a second. When his friends had said at their last practice that Matteo was nice, he hadn’t expected _this_. The way Matteo spoke was so open and sincere it left no doubt about whether or not he meant it. The expression he had on his face was difficult to read and left David wondering what else it was that he was thinking. It was intriguing. 

David wondered if he would be able to get the conversation flowing. He could even suggest they go to a café, talk some more, get to know each other in person. It was worth giving a shot.

“Wow, um, thank you! You, uh, seem like you know your stuff. Play any instruments yourself?”

As soon as the word instrument left his mouth, Matteo seemed to close off. He got a faraway look in his eyes and David bit down a wince at the sudden change in mood. Maybe no café today, after all.

“Not really.”

Matteo shook himself out of whatever it was he was thinking of. His half-smile returned to his lips.

“I, uh, really enjoyed listening to you play, but I– I gotta go. I– um... hope you have a nice evening.”

David couldn’t think of anything to keep the conversation flowing and it seemed like Matteo was trying to back out of it, so David decided to give him an out.

“Uh– thank you for listening. And your kind words. See you around?”

Matteo nodded, waved his hand in a parting gesture, and left. David looked at his retreating back, a slight sense of defeat gnawing at the back of his mind. It wasn’t enough to actually bother him, though. As there Matteo had been. Again. And this time, they had actually made a connection that had been more than a simple _hello_. There was something about Matteo, something David couldn’t quite place. Something that made David want to have a real conversation with him and get to know Matteo himself instead of the Matteo from his friends’ scattered stories. 

David smiled to himself. Chances were it would happen sooner rather than later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important songs sung in this chapter:
> 
> 1\. _La vie en rose_ by Édith Piaf  
> 2\. _Beat it_ by Michael Jackson (BYU Vocal Point cover)  
> 3\. _Clean Eyes_ by SYML
> 
> The weekly updating playlist to go with the chapters can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA)! You will find the songs featured in the story and some more to enhance the experience. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear your thoughts! All the comments and kudos are dearly appreciated ❤


	2. Today's another day to find you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here is the second chapter of our fic, featuring, again, lots of singing shenanigans and also some heartfelt moments!
> 
> The weekly updating playlist to go with the chapters can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA). You will find the songs featured in the story and some more to enhance the experience!  
>   
> Have a little taste of what's to come, and enjoy the ride<3  
>   
>  _“Ready?”_
> 
> _Jonas shook him gently and Matteo slightly threw his head back, laughing silently, as Marie started talking on the stage again. He couldn’t really focus on her words but it was most likely something about the great performances they just heard and introducing them, as they’d be up next._
> 
> _“No, man, but can’t turn back now, can I?” Matteo whispered._  
> 

It had been a rather stormy morning. The thick mass of rain clouds still loomed over Berlin after the rain had beaten up the city through the night. Some time ago now, the heavy pour had finally stopped, but the wind still whirled and blasted, and had a sharp, autumnal bite to it. The blow of it rustled the music sheets Matteo was holding as he studied the notes scribbled on them while walking the small distance to their practice room. Matteo hummed small parts here and there, frowning at the messy notes he had hurriedly jotted down at the last rehearsal. He should really give more mind to writing those neatly if he actually wanted them to be any help.

A sudden strong gust caught hold of the papers Matteo was reading, whisking the top two of them into the air. Matteo yelped and went jogging after them, only to run straight into a deep puddle of water that wet his sneakers straight through and sent long splashes up to his knees. With a frustrated sigh he jumped out of the puddle, glancing in the direction of the papers and seeing them flying so far away he was quite sure he wouldn’t get them back even if he chased after them all the way through the city.

“Whatever,” Matteo mumbled, clutching the rest of the sheets in his hands, and turned on his feet to get to the door of the practice building. He’d get a new copy of the ones he lost from Sam. He remembered the song like the back of his hand, seeing as he was technically the arranger of this outfit, so it wasn’t a big deal. And his notes had been indecipherable, anyway.

The squelching of Matteo’s drenched shoes echoed in the empty corridor as he made his way to the practice room they’d rented some time ago. The place was located at a convenient distance for most of them and was built for choirs, so the acoustics served them well. It did cost a bit more than most places, but they had managed to scrape together the money they needed for it – mostly thanks to Sam’s parents who were overjoyed that she got to be _a supporting arranger_ for a long-standing a cappella group.

As Matteo pushed open the door to their space, he stopped in his tracks for a moment to take in the scene before him: Sam, Abdi, and Carlos were sitting in a row, eyes closed and chanting what sounded awfully close to _dim sum_ while Kiki, Jonas, and Hanna were lying on the floor, howling and making continuous humming sounds. The atmosphere was, frankly, quite eerie. Matteo stared at his friends, just taking it in, generally confused as to what it was he was there to witness, when the familiar rhythm of the two small groups’ sounds hit him.

“You have a bestial way of performing _Viva la vida_ ,” Matteo announced, pulling the door closed behind him. The crooked version of their performance from over a year ago died down and changed into greetings and laughter.

“Did you swim to get here, Luigi?”

Abdi snickered as he gestured to Matteo’s damp pant legs, earning a lazy wave of a middle finger from Matteo. 

“Did you forget Coldplay has never centered any songs around asian food?”

“We’re hungry and you were taking too long,” Sam pitched in, stretching her arms. 

Matteo rolled his eyes, kicked off his wet shoes and dropped his bag on autopilot, while he eyed on the music sheets to determine how many he had actually lost to the merciless draught outside. Besides, it wasn’t like he was constantly arriving behind schedule – this time it was simply a few minutes due to the surprising paper thief, and that could still count as fashionably late.

As Sam slumped down on the piano chair, the rest of the group formed a half-circle around her. She played the first chord and they began the familiar and routine warm-up. They hummed up and down the scale, then switched the hum into a sentence that seemed to always get weirder – today it was _Jonas missed the U-Bahn and then cried_ – gradually working to get their voices ready for the last rehearsal before their performance at an a cappella night at a local café. 

Linn had told Matteo a while back that her girlfriend had managed to make a deal with the owner of the place, which meant the place would hold regular evenings for the local singing groups to perform and network with the other groups in the city. At first, Matteo wasn’t too keen on the idea, but he came around eventually as everyone else seemed to be excited at the prospect of having a new place to sing and mingle at. Despite being a big city, Berlin did have a rather weak selection of events and places for an a cappella group to perform on a stage. Or of places and events they’d want to partake in, anyway.

The practice went smoothly, as anticipated. There were only minor fixes that needed to be done, but all in all the songs seemed solid and ready to go. There was a hiccup in one particular note, though, that Carlos didn’t seem to hit while singing – every time he was asked to sing it by itself, he sang it precisely, but time after time he would miss it in the actual song.

“Carlos!”

Matteo waved his hand, and the singing died down once again, and was replaced by sighs and impatient squirming.

“You missed it again. The note is higher,” Matteo snapped and shook the music sheet in his hand in frustration, singing the note despite it being at the very top end of his own register. 

“You hear? _Higher_.”

“Dude, I’m trying to be as high as a kite, but I’m feeling very sober right now.”

Carlos grinned as Abdi cackled beside him, only to receive a whack over the head by Jonas. Matteo sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“You can hit the note, just… I don’t know, try harder?”

“Why can’t you just play the melody as we sing? That could help Carlos and we’d finally be done for the day.”

Kiki crossed her arms, casting a demanding look straight into Matteo’s eyes. Matteo felt irritation growing stronger by the second. The thing was, he could play. He knew how to, and he had been good at it. But now, after years of playing only here and then when spelling out the arrangements – he had pretty much dropped playing when things went down with his parents as it brought up quite painful memories at times – and only recently trying out something little else again? That was certainly not a hurdle he was going to take today, not now that his patience was already tested.

“Fine, then... Sam?”

“What? I’ve never played through this, like, ever!”

“But you have played through the melodies, right? Only that, okay?”

Matteo put on his best pleading face, counting it as a victory when Sam groaned and moved back to the piano. Unfortunately, it was very obvious she didn’t know the melodies all that well on the piano as she kept stopping, messing up, and switching to the melody she herself sang in the arrangement.  
  
“This isn’t helping at all,” Jonas grumbled as Sam halted her playing once again, letting out a high-pitched squeak at her own mistake.  
  
“Luigi, come on. Couldn’t you just–”

“Jonas, _stop_.”   
  
Matteo snapped a little more sharply than he meant, and he sent Jonas a stern glance. Jonas shut up immediately, but didn’t waver under Matteo’s gaze – instead, he seemed to be even more annoyed and frustrated. An uneasy silence took over the group, as people were awkwardly eyeing Matteo and Jonas, mostly confused about the sudden switch of the mood in the room. Hanna drew in a breath.

“Umm, how about we call it a night and meet up, let’s say, three hours before the performance?”  
  
Matteo turned his gaze to Hanna, seeing a cautious but warm smile on her face. He did love her for her impeccable ability to read the room and change the topic whenever needed.

“Yeah, we’ll do that.”

As Matteo nodded, a relieved sigh escaped the group. They’d been practising for a couple of weeks now, multiple days a week, and their session today had already passed the two hour mark. It was fine. They’d manage.

On All Souls’ Day, Matteo finally made good use of his semester ticket to travel out to the cemetery his grandmother and grandfather were buried at. He’d barely gotten to know them, but his mom had insisted they bring them flowers every year, and as a devout catholic, she’d even taken Matteo out of school to go to the morning mass. After the flowers, usually white chrysanthemums, had been arranged in the vase normally hidden in the tombstone, Matteo would always be allowed to light the red candle that sat on their grave. He and his mother would always sit and wait to see the little lights all over the cemetery growing more and more visible with the disappearing sunlight.  
  
Matteo hadn’t been back here since he’d moved out, but going now felt freeing. He knew his mother had already gone this morning, as she had just sent him a text with an all too familiar quote:

 _Then Jesus cried aloud: “Whoever believes in me believes not in me but in him who sent me. And whoever sees me sees him who sent me._ _I have come as light into the world, so that everyone who believes in me should not remain in the darkness. (John 12:44-46)_

Followed by:

_My dear son, I have gone and put flowers on your grandparents’ graves. Remember that there is light, and that you are loved._

It had made something deep inside Matteo glow. His mother seemed to be doing well. Matteo hadn’t seen her for over a year, and they had mostly texted in the last months, with a few calls here and there. Her texts always had an encouraging tone to them, as if she knew what Matteo was going through regardless.   
  
Matteo and his mother had been thick as thieves when he was a child. It had all started with Matteo discovering their piano at age three, alternating carefully between pushing one key at a time and just patting at the keys with his full hand. He had accompanied it with singing and – much to Matteo’s dismay – his mother still had the recordings to prove it. She had seen something in it though, and had started to teach him little nursery rhymes on the piano. At the age of seven, he had joined the children’s choir at their church. His mother had been incredibly proud, making sure every hair on his head lay flat before his Sunday performances. 

He had been a choir boy until he turned fourteen and decided it wasn’t _cool_ enough. The piano lessons continued though, and it was something he did with his mom every Saturday afternoon: they sat at the piano and learned music from whatever film they had last seen. Studio Ghibli films had always been Matteo’s favourite, and so he had taken immense pride in the time they had mastered _One Summer’s Day_ , playing it with four hands. Sometimes, it would just be him or just his mom, and the other would sit on the couch and listen. Those hours where Matteo and his mother let the music do the talking – never opening their mouths to say something, not even to change the song – were his happiest memories. He could still picture his mother sitting next to him on the piano chair with the cracked leather cushion, her supple fingers lightly pressing down on the black and white keys. 

His father never liked their playing. Saturday afternoon was his time to practise squash with his Italian friends, and he would always complain that there was no food on the table when he came back. And besides, didn’t Matteo have anything better to do, for example doing his homework or cleaning his room, instead of clinking away on that expensive instrument? 

This would result in major rows with his mother that made Matteo slink back to his room, hide in the darkness under his desk and block out the noise with his fists and later his headphones. When it was all over, they had a terse dinner. His mother would join him in his room afterwards, leaving the dishes for later, and teach him musical theory. His dad would by then be nursing a beer in front of the tv. More often than not, it had been football, which caused a lasting resentment against the sport in Matteo, even though he occasionally played FIFA with his friends.

Matteo had been trailing his hand along the cemetery walls, deep in thought, and had now reached the entrance to the grounds. The first gravestones were already visible in the distance. Next to the entrance, there was a table with red, orange and yellow candle holders as well as candles for those who hadn’t brought their own. He purchased a pair, putting his money into the small box beside the candles, and picked a red candle holder. 

Darkness was approaching fast, but there still remained a sliver of light on the horizon. He went over to the graves, walking along the narrow gravel paths until he reached the grave he was looking for. In front of the double headstone stood the vase of chrysanthemums. His mother had gone for yellow ones this time. Perhaps she had wanted it to look brighter, more lively, as the last days of October had been overcast and murky.

“Hello grandma Else, hello grandpa Jürgen.”

He crouched and put the candle holder down in front of the flowers, making sure none of the stems were close to the opening, and reached into his pocket to pull out his matches. Carefully, he lit a match and touched it to the wick of the candle. It fluttered to life, immediately bathing the stone and the flowers in a soft, red glow, joining the other small lights that were already pulsing all over the graveyard.

After resting one hand on his grandparents’ headstone and staying there for a few seconds, his eyes closed in contemplation, he went to look for the bench that he and his mother had always used. It stood under a gnarly willow tree, surrounded by a patch of grass – just enough distance from the main path that ran through the graveyard. From there, one was able to see the beautifully kept parts of the cemetery. Sitting under the tree, he was surrounded by little flickers of red, orange, and yellow: it was as if little ghosts had taken up position on the dark gravestones, illuminating them with their colorful brightness. 

The cemetery had never scared Matteo. No, it reminded him of all the wonders in the world. Apart from practising music, nothing made him feel more alive than these candles lighting up the night. He wished he’d had the guts to bring his mother with him, but it was no use now. Tonight, it was only him, the soothing, flickering lights in the dark, and his silent thoughts.

A few days later, Linn and Matteo were slouched on their battered couch, a bowl of snacks and Linn’s laptop deposited on the couch table. That morning, they had decided to finally tackle the issue of getting a third flatmate, despite both of them being quite reluctant to do so. 

Hans had moved out six months ago, to get a tiny flat closeby with the tall, dark, and handsome man of his dreams – his words, but if Matteo remembered correctly, the guy was actually a pale nordic man of quite average height. Nevertheless, even if it broke Matteo’s and Linn’s hearts to see Hans leave the place that had been the home for the three of them for so long, they were overjoyed that he had finally found such a wonderful person after years of dating mishaps.

Back then, right after Hans had left the flat, neither of them had been in the mood for looking for a new flatmate, as they were just trying to get through the days and survive – both of them being in quite dark places. But even if they preferred the familiarity of just the two of them, money was becoming tight for both of them as the very little savings they had were drying up alarmingly fast: Linn’s pay as a PhD-Student wasn’t very bad, but she had to pay for the equipment she used to study her mosses, and Matteo still wasn’t well enough to pick up more than two shifts per week at the pizza place. They simply didn’t have the luxury of leaving an entire room empty.

In the light of urgency, the first potential flatmate they had found was Louis, a guy from Linn’s PhD program who had a love for all things to do with palm trees. He was the life of the party, could talk about anything and everything, mostly about the properties of palm leaves – he was also Bavarian and had taught himself to be an excellent cook through his family’s recipe book, which meant the food he made was to die for, even if a bit greasy. Louis had kind of been on the lookout for a single flat, and his current lease wasn’t up until March. The thing with him was that Matteo simply couldn’t stand him for being so outgoing and obnoxiously loud.

The second one had only popped up about a week ago. It was a girl from Linn’s girlfriend’s a cappella group who was close to getting her law degree. The girls at her current flat had very suddenly decided to move out, which had left the girl in quite a pickle. Linn had met her, and said she was nice and responsible, and that Laura could vouch for her. In typical Linn-fashion, however, the name of the girl had completely escaped her. 

The third person who had been in the running was from Matteo’s year. During a presentation they had been working on together, the conversation had turned to the topic of flatmates. Their name was Otto – or maybe Oskar, Matteo couldn’t really recall either way – and they had complained about their troubles with finding a flat and had said that they were devoted and ready to move in right away. They stated that Linn and Matteo would just have to give them the green light. They did inform Matteo this morning though, after he had asked whether they were still interested, that they had gotten a new place already and were thus crossed off the list.

So, they were left with two options, as they had immediately decided against posting the room to any kind of flatshare websites. They just didn’t want to deal with the flurry of emails that would clog up their inboxes and the consequent wading through message after message after message. 

Linn munched away on a potato chip, a thoughtful frown on her face. On her lap, she had a notepad with _pro_ and _contra_ written on it, but nothing much else. To Matteo, however, the choice was pretty clear.

“Linn, so much for him being your friend, but it’s not going to be Louis,” he said, reaching over for a chip himself. He pointed it at Linn instead of putting it in his mouth. “The guy is really sweet, but he’s also _very_ loud and known around campus for his numerous parties.”

He put the chip into his mouth, chewed it for a bit before swallowing it down. He didn’t look at Linn, preferring to massage the skin between his left thumb and pointer finger with his other hand.

“You know, I just… I need to be able to rest and… uh, I don’t think loud music and talking are going to be the best for that.”  
  
“But do you think a girl you don’t even know would be better?” she countered softly, rubbing her hand on her jeans.   
  
“I mean, at least you’ve, you know, met Louis.”

Matteo looked at the screensaver on Linn’s opened laptop. She changed it a lot, and that day it was a cat which had its head stuck in a bitten out slice of bread, a terrified look in its eyes. It was quite hilarious, to be honest, and made a smile tug at the corners of his mouth. It spread out into full smile while Matteo snatched another chip from the bowl. Then, he looked back up at Linn.

“The girl’s a law student. From what I’ve heard of Carlos’ lawyer football mates, they basically live at the library.”  
  
“So you think she’ll rarely be home?” Linn contemplated. “We said we wanted to have someone we interact with, not a silent ghost.”  
  
“Well, yeah, but... I still think she would be a better fit?”

Linn hummed and nodded, the expression on her face shifting into a more determined one.

“Maybe you’re right. Louis _is_ looking for a flat of his own, and I’m a bit scared he’ll just see this as a temporary thing, maybe as a nice hangout place for parties, and then leave us as soon as he can get a studio.”  
  
“Mhm.” Matteo reached for his beer and took a big gulp, before crunching on the chip he’d been holding. Linn clapped her hands.  
  
“So, it’s decided, then? We’ll tell Laura her friend can move in with us?”  
  
“Yeah, let’s.”

Matteo sighed, a bit worn out from the whole ordeal even though they hadn’t really done anything much at all. They both took their drinks, Linn her cup of tea, Matteo his beer bottle, and clinked them together.

“Come on, look into my eyes. Otherwise, I’ll have seven years of bad sex.”

Matteo snorted. On very rare occasions, when he came back before he said he would, he could hear just how good Linn and Laura’s sex was. He wasn’t really bothered by it. It just confronted him with the fact that he wasn’t really into having sex with another person anyway – as he found out, it took a special connection for him to even want it at all.

“Hey, come on. I have a girlfriend who loves me very much and my sex life is important, OK?”

Behind them, they heard the door fall shut and a loud voice drifted over to them: “Who is having sex? Lube is the key to happiness, my dears!”

Hans walked into the room, holding his boyfriend’s hand, who was trailing a bit behind him. As Hans sometimes came over when one of them was too deep down to open the door, Linn and Matteo had made him their _keeper of keys_ , and he had rejoiced at this responsibility. He never really abused his powers, mostly Matteo and Linn just forgot that he had announced he would come over, and were surprised when he opened the door for himself.

“Hi Hans,” Matteo said, and as Hans rushed over to first hug Linn and then Matteo, he added with a nod: “Santeri.”

Santeri waved.

“Hi.”

Santeri was a man of few words, calm and discreet. He and Hans were really polar opposites, but somehow, it worked. Matteo wasn’t quite sure how they had met, seeing Santeri was from Finland – his hometown named something Matteo never remembered –, but he didn’t dare to ask because it was certain Hans completely lacked the tact his boyfriend had and Matteo would probably hear a whole lot more than he ever wanted. So, he simply assumed it had something to do with their work. Or maybe the gay clubs in the area. Santeri’s German was quite good, judging from the few things he contributed to conversations, although Matteo did find it a bit difficult to understand his accent sometimes. All in all, he really liked the guy, and it was obvious he was exactly what Hans had needed into his life – someone stable, caring, and safe.

Santeri had gotten a chair from the kitchen, turned it around and sat down, leaning his arms on the backrest. Meanwhile, Hans had flung himself down on the couch next to Matteo.

“Hans, we’ve actually done it!” Linn announced.

“What have you done?”

“We decided on a new flatmate!”  
  
“Yeah, some girl Laura knows.”  
  
“Matteo, dear, you don’t seem very excited.”

Matteo hung his head, feeling a bit guilty for not mirroring Linn’s enthusiasm. And it was a big thing, as they could finally relax moneywise. 

Hans looked like he wanted to hug him, but knew Matteo too well and decided against it. Matteo was lucky to have such considerate friends. Over the years, Hans and Linn had gotten very close with him, and they really felt like a little family more than anything else.

“Anyway, when are you going to have her move in?”

“We don’t know yet, have to talk to her first.”

“Ah, you two. It will be fine! I’m sure whoever moves in will make a beautiful addition.”

Matteo wanted to be petty and say that they didn’t need another addition, but here they were. Getting used to new people was exhausting, most of the time. Maybe he’d have to stay in his room a bit more, but that was it. As Hans said, it would probably be fine.

“Oh!”

Hans snapped his fingers and leaped up from the couch.

“There was something I wanted to give you, Matteo, my dear!”

As Hans rushed out of the room to get whatever it was, Matteo looked over to Santeri and saw him smirking.

“Not going to say what it is,” Santeri shrugged, letting out a low laugh.

Hans came back in, holding a badly wrapped present. Fine motor things were not really Hans’ thing, Matteo had realized. He could talk about philosophy and queer issues all day long, but drawing or cutting out intricate shapes was a whole different story.

“Ta-da!”

The package was thrust into Matteo’s vicinity, and he took hold of it. He rolled his eyes.

“This is one of your _souvenirs_ , right? What’s it this time? A banana wearing sunglasses? A singing cock ring?”  
  
“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know? Come on, open it.”

On the chair, Santeri was smiling goofily at Hans. Matteo really was surrounded by soppy _in love_ couples, wasn’t he?

“Okay, okay. I’ll get to it.”

He shook it first. No rattling came from it. So no penis-shaped wind chimes. He already had those, courtesy of Hans and Santeri’s visit to Greece last summer. Nearly all of Hans’ souvenirs ended up in a shoe box under Matteo’s bed. They would never see the light of day, as far as he was concerned. 

This time, it turned out to be a magnet with very pink pig saying “I bring you good luck”. Maybe this one would even make it onto the fridge. Or join the condom and dental dam dispenser Hans had brought back from Amsterdam in their bathroom.

“I thought you might need it. My village doesn’t really have exciting souvenirs, and you have that event coming up, so exciting! Also, a little extra luck never hurt anyone, did it?”

“Thank you.”

Hans just smiled back and blew him a kiss. Matteo was actually quite touched by Hans’ consideration. Hans could be inappropriate sometimes, but under that he really was a sweetheart. Now, armed with a lucky pig and some better choir notes after the last rehearsal, he felt as ready as he’d ever feel to face the crowd on Friday.

The night had turned dark just moments ago as the whole group was strolling through the streets, accompanied by Hans and Linn, who had all joined them to support their performance that evening. Santeri was at a work event, something to do with video games, so he couldn’t make it. The girls had been quite upset that Mia had to cancel as well; her thesis was really driving her up the walls these days, from what Matteo had gathered.

Sam was telling them a very elaborate story that had happened all the way back in highschool, of the time she had gotten fired from her job because she and Abdi had been caught making out in the supply closet. It was a story Matteo and the boys had heard many times before, but it only now turned out that Abdi had a much cleaner version of it. He had painted it to look like he had been the innocent one in the scenario, when the whole ordeal had ultimately been entirely his fault. It was nice to see the two of them had managed to remain such close friends even after their “break-up” – not that they had ever really been together in the first place, but Abdi had developed quite a crush on her during their thing, and it had been difficult for him to let go of that. 

Matteo was walking next to Hanna, who had a hand thrown over his shoulders, as she laughed brightly at something Jonas commented next to her all the while texting to her current boyfriend. Those two had also survived what could potentially have been the biggest fall out of their lives, and Matteo was more grateful for that than he could ever put into words. When they finally decided to call it quits after trying to make their relationship work for the second time, it had been all sorts of messy. At first, they’d had a weird on-off booty call situation going on, and after that had been resolved, Jonas had blamed Hanna for more than was necessary, and Hanna no longer trusted anything he said. It had gotten to a point where Matteo had found himself in the crossfire of their ongoing quarrel, which had been more than he was able to take, seeing he had enough going on with his head as it was, depression slowly taking over more and more of his life.

In the end, Matteo had stopped all contact for a week after snapping at both of them, letting his anger reach the boiling point, which was rare for him. And it hadn’t been just him, really. It had been Abdi, who was sick and tired of hearing Jonas complaining about the smallest things Hanna did without any reason to do so. It had been Mia and Amira, being baffled as to why Hanna was sacrificing so much of her executive brain power for someone she was not with anymore. Sam had made it very clear from the start she wasn’t going to get involved with whatever mess it was that they had found themselves in, and Kiki and Carlos had been too in love to see anyone or anything around them at the time – even though they too had ended their relationship on good terms a year later: they had simply grown apart, their wishes for life being too different. 

When Hanna and Jonas eventually got their heads out of their asses, the situation quickly calmed down with apologies all around. It was then that Carlos had given them his famous heartfelt speech on friendship, love, and _siblinghood_ – as he had called it –, explaining how he feared that the path they were walking on together would soon start to break off with situations like these, and eventually become a muddy road they were reluctant to walk on, splitting them up forever. At that point, the group had also been singing together more or less on the regular: it had all started after the girls had enlisted the guys to help them create an unforgettable singing performance at their Abiball. 

Just before the ball, Matteo had announced to the group he would not be participating, feeling too low to take part, and utterly guilty for ditching them. They still sang at the ball, the show itself not being anything majorly unique or fantastic and feeling like something was missing as Matteo was not with them, but the whole process of constructing the performance had been so much fun that they kept at it. 

After Carlos’ speech of everlasting friendship, the idea for an a cappella group was born. Matteo couldn’t recall whose idea it was to appoint him and Sam as an arranger and a supporting arranger, although it did make sense as they were the ones with most musical background. Well, apart from Jonas, but the guy simply knew how to make things work for himself and himself only. Sam was on board fast, and after a short battle of mights, Matteo finally agreed as well. He had to admit arranging the song the group had performed had been one of the few things that had brought him joy lately, and the effort made was worth it in the end, despite the song sounding like a complete disaster looking back at it now.

The squad reached the place where the night was going to be held soon enough. It was called _K U N S T bar &café _– a rather large place attached to a small theatre. Matteo scowled at the name involuntarily. It was one of those pretentious places he had never paid any mind to even though he probably had passed by it a few times, but he had to admit that the place was quite magnificent as they walked inside. 

“Ooh yeah, baby! _Sempre Piu_ in the house!” Jonas exclaimed, everyone joining in on cheering one after the other. 

Matteo rolled his eyes, unzipping his jacket and hanging it up to the coat racks next to the entrance. To this day, he resented the name that had been chosen purely for his Italian background. It meant ‘always more’, which had been awfully hilarious to Jonas, who had dived into the musical terminology when they hit a dead end with name ideas. Matteo thought it was awful for multiple reasons, not the least for sounding dumb, but had to admit it suited their group of people who always seemed to be a little too much for everything – like now, for example, laughing and shouting away. 

Their excitement did lift up his nervous mood a bit, though, which was a relief. The practice just before leaving to the place went well, but Matteo had never been too keen on being in the spotlight, so being the lead vocalist for one of the two songs for the night was quite honestly nerve-wracking. What made it especially terrifying now was the fact that he had had a break in performing of nearly a year after a particularly bad depressive episode that had led him to a day clinic care for 8 months. He was cleared to therapy, that he now visited weekly, four months ago, and in the last three months or so he had returned to the rows. Sempre Piu had only a couple of smaller gigs around the city, and the songs for tonight were the first ones he had arranged in a long time - and he had everything to thank for Sam, being a patient help for him to get it going again.

The evening started with short soundchecks swiftly after their arrival, but they were told the levels would be mostly monitored by the sound technician provided by the house. Matteo glanced around, recognizing a surprising amount of familiar faces: Linn was enthusiastically chatting with Laura in the corner of the room, Amira had just greeted him with a hug and a bright smile, and Sara had just walked past him. She came to a stop a few metres away, and turned around, recognizing Matteo. She seemed a bit surprised to see him, asking if he was there to see the performances. She broke into a wide grin when Matteo told her he was, in fact, going to perform with his own group.

He and Sara, they had their thing some time back, making out at random parties and getting something started. She made Matteo feel listened to. She genuinely cared about what he had to say and the things that were troubling him, laughing at his bad jokes loudly and keeping close to him at places with a lot of people, which had an almost grounding effect on him. Sara always asked Matteo to sing to her, as she knew Matteo was involved in a singing group already back then, but as said, Matteo was never really a fan of being put on the spot, and he usually just brushed her off by kissing her cheek or getting her another drink.

So really, Sara had made him feel good. She made him feel noticed. But she also made him feel guilty. He couldn’t first pinpoint the feeling, but soon enough it became very soon apparent to Matteo, that yes, he did like her, but only as a friend, and had wanted nothing more with her – specifically, that he didn’t want anything with women altogether. After this realization, he had immediately put a stop to it. 

Sara had been mad, of course, and Matteo didn’t blame her: he had been kind of a dick, not really knowing how to tell her the truth so he panicked and picked some very unconvincing lies to explain his sudden change of heart. He knew Sara had a very real crush on him and it had taken him approximately three seconds to regret the lies that had come out of his mouth, because it meant he’d lose a friend he really liked. And for some time, he did. 

They went without talking for some months, but came across each other by fate at a party someone of their mutual friends was throwing. After some awkward small talk, Leonie staring at Matteo with narrowed eyes at first and then at Sara with questioning frown, she was finally the one to urge them to the balcony of the flat to “clean the air”. They ended up talking through most of the night, Matteo apologizing for being an ass and Sara apologizing for overreacting – not that Matteo thought she did, but she was so persistent on it, he finally let it slide. 

So, they were friends. Acquaintances, at least. But seeing Sara’s genuine interest and enthusiasm about being finally able to see him performing did spark a sense of joyous warmth, something close to excitement, in him.

“We’re up first. Uh, see you around? After the show, yeah? I want to hear what you think.”

Sara smiled expectantly, tilting her head to the side. Matteo nodded, giving her a small, crooked smile as a response. Sara squealed, telling him she was looking forward to it, and bounced away to join the group hanging out near the stage. Matteo huffed out a laugh, shaking his head a bit. Her enthusiasm was really something to envy.

Matteo walked deeper into the space, glancing around properly now. The stage was quite small, as it was usually used by people performing solo at the bar. Luckily, out of the few groups attending, only one had thirteen members, while most others had seven to eight. It would be a tight fit but they’d had it worse while practicing in people’s tiny bedrooms before getting their own flats and an actual rehearsal place. There were a lot of tables and chairs placed around it so that everyone could see the people performing properly, and at the side, there was a table that had some snacks put out next to big water containers. That’s where most of Matteo’s friends were currently hanging out, he noted, as he saw Hanna throwing a few peanuts successfully into Jonas’ mouth a short distance away, while Carlos, Abdi, and Sam cheered them on. And seeing as all this was taking place while they all were still sober – as alcohol tended to dry up your vocal chords, so they abstained from it always before performing – it was bound to be quite a night for them.

Chill background music and a bright chatter filled the air as people got to their seats or stood at little tables, waiting for the performances to start. Some had gotten themselves drinks at the bar, while most of the people singing tonight were armed with a glass of water. The thought of any food or drink made Matteo’s stomach turn. He gulped silently, his nerves making his skin tingle again, and scratched the back of his neck, eyeing the crowd. 

There were actually quite a lot of people there in addition to the few groups performing – a lot more than he had anticipated – and to be very honest, he was quickly starting to regret that he had promised to perform as a lead vocalist today. Not that he was necessarily embarrassed or ashamed of himself. It was simply the fact that he would be in the spotlight while belting out a song that was, essentially, about wanting to find the man of your dreams. Not exactly the kind of situation Matteo was too comfortable in, but when Sam had suggested the song and Carlos had begged Matteo to be the lead for it – “it vibes with you _so well_ , dude! Like, rainbow vibes, I swear!” – Matteo had found himself being quite interested in it after letting the idea sit with him for a while. There was a seed of truth there, in the song, after all.

“Matteo!”

He startled at the sudden noise, having been too deep in thought, frantically searching for the person who had called his name. His eyes locked on Linn, who was now sitting at the seats near the stage, waving her hand at him. Matteo made his way quickly to her, dropping himself on the chair next to hers.

“I already thought you were going to abandon me,” Linn whined, her voice still colored with a hint of playfulness.

“I mean, it’s your girlfriend and your responsibility to cheer on her, not mine, yeah?”

Matteo smirked goofily as Linn smacked his arm softly with a leaflet she was holding, muttering something about loyalty and friendship, while smiling at him anyway. Matteo snatched a leaflet for himself from the seat next to theirs to take a look at it himself. Also, it gave him something to hold on to and fiddle with.

“Where’s Hans?”

“Who knows. He’ll appear eventually,” Linn shrugged nonchalantly and Matteo hummed in agreement. It was true that Hans had a tendency to disappear and reappear when you least expected it.

Matteo turned the leaflet around to take a better look at it. It was fairly simple, dark blue with white and rainbow coloured musical notes on the sides, stating the place, the night’s theme and the groups who were performing. After all the years active with Sempre Piu, it still made a hint of pride swirl in Matteo’s chest when he spotted the name of their group on the list.

“Good evening, everyone!”

The chattering quieted down as a woman with short, strikingly red hair walked on stage. She was wearing a green velvet blazer with similar coloured glasses, and smiled like she had to outshine the spotlights pointed at the little stage.

“Welcome to K U N S T! My name is Marie and I will be your host tonight as we now open our very first a capella night in this bar! Super exciting, although I should mention that I also own the place so if someone hits a note so high it shatters the windows, your wallets are mine, alright?”

A laughter went through the crowd and Matteo smiled as well, rolling his eyes. It was practically impossible to hit a note that high, but _old jokes are the best jokes_ and whatnot.

“As you know, tonight’s theme is _SMELLS LIKE QUEER SPIRIT,_ meaning that we’re hitting the a cappella nights off with a celebration of love and diversity. Our performing groups were free to interpret the theme as they liked and I have no doubt that we’ll have fantastic performances coming up! We’ll have our very own sound technician, Louisa, aboard for the whole night to ensure everything goes smoothly and sounds good. Without further ado, please welcome _Dolce Fermata_!”  
  
Marie’s energy on stage was almost electrifying, and Matteo could feel Linn was getting more hyped up next to him with every word. The woman’s presence was welcoming, and despite her quite eccentric appearance – although Matteo had gotten used to odd choices in glasses as Abdi had a whole collection of frames each weirder than the other – she truly had something in her that obviously got the audience going. As Marie announced the first performer and snapped her fingers, the lights at the stage turned into the colors of the rainbow, making the space even more radiant. Linn squealed and clapped, as the whole crowd applauded wildly, and the first group took the stage.  
  
They were all wearing a black top with denim bottoms, accompanied with a bracelet in rainbow colours. It was a good look, really, as they matched, and Matteo realized he knew, or at least had seen, every person that appeared on stage. First, there was Sara, Leonie coming right after her. Matteo recognized Mohammed and Amira’s brothers, as well as Laura.

The last person to step on the stage was David.

Matteo was instantly more alert. He remembered the moment a while ago when he’d run into David as he was playing his guitar at the East Side Gallery. David’s take on _Clean Eyes_ had been – quite honestly – stuck in Matteo’s head for days afterwards. He was very talented, no doubt about it, and now that David had claimed the place at the center, it was apparent he was going to be the lead vocalist for their first song. Matteo found himself being quite excited to hear it.

After a quick harmonizing to assure they were in synch, Laura gave the group the first note, counting up while tapping the rhythm with her foot slightly, and they began.

Right from the start, it was obvious that this group was good. Matteo noted the pleasant harmony of the starting hums, but when David sang the first words, it felt like Matteo was sucked in and he forgot everything else around him.

_My lover’s got humor, he’s the giggle at the funeral._

The whole setting threw him off a little: the colorful lights playing on the people’s features on the stage, the decorative panels behind them looking like stained glass and David’s smooth and raspy voice singing about worshipping, God, and amens. Of course, Matteo had learned from Hans that _Take Me To Church_ was “a gay anthem everyone should know by heart” but right now, there was something very painful in it, bringing back childhood memories from when he went to church with his mother and she sang to him about “our lord and savior” and kept telling him that if everything else in life failed you, God was there to save you. It hadn’t been true for either of them, as he had learned later, but Matteo couldn’t blame his mom for clinging on what little good she could when times were desperate.

Despite the memories playing at the back of his head, Matteo was pulled to the present again by David’s singing. He had power in his voice, the kind that told you that the song was familiar to him. Important. As Matteo took a better look at the scene before him, his breath almost caught in his throat. There were red and orange lights glowing on David’s face, making him look like he was on fire, his curly hair only adding to the effect. The way he held himself, fearlessly bringing weight to every word he sang, was captivating. He looked good, shining in the colors of the setting sun. Bright and beautiful.

The last notes of the song were perfectly synchronised and harmonised, and David’s last line separated from the base harmony was like the cherry on top. The person who had arranged the song was a genius. 

People around Matteo broke into cheering and applauding, but he felt a bit frozen. Linn was clapping as well, but her eyes were wide and she did look a lot like she couldn’t believe what had just happened. Very similar to how Matteo was feeling.

“Wow,” she whispered, turning her head to look at Matteo briefly.

“Yeah.”

There was another song they performed, this time Leonie taking the lead for _Ex’s and Oh’s_ , but to be quite frank, Matteo missed most of it, as well as almost all of the next group’s performance. He was simply lost in thought too much to really follow what was happening on stage. That opening song had an effect he didn’t really expect and it was all a bit overwhelming all of a sudden.

Matteo needed to be alone. Just for a little while. The mass of people, the loud applause and excited shouting after the second group’s performance was really getting to him. Luckily enough, Marie had announced a break before the next group, which Matteo knew would be them. Matteo had politely declined Linn’s offer to join her to meet Laura up for the break. He was quite certain that if he didn’t get a moment for himself, he’d be running out of the door instead of going on stage. A few moments after Linn had left the chair she’d been sitting in and gone over to greet her girlfriend, Matteo slipped away to the toilets.

After navigating between haphazardly placed chairs and chattering people, Matteo pushed open the door to the toilets in the back. Just one stall was occupied. If he could, he would have opened the window and leaned out of it, a lit cigarette in his hand. His fingers itched for it, lips tingling, waiting to fill his lungs with hearty smoke. He couldn’t. After he stopped going to the clinic, he slowly weaned himself off smoking. Singing was too important in his life, and he had determined that he wanted to continue practicing it for a long time to come. So the cigarettes had to go. As did the heavy drinking. It had scared him how dependent he had become on both things. On bad days, he wouldn’t even be able to sit through a two hour session without getting the aching need to press a cigarette between his lips and inhale, letting the nicotine slip in and rush through his veins. But he couldn’t go on like that; after the weaning-off process, he hadn’t as much as touched a cigarette butt.

Instead of lighting up a smoke, he splashed some water in his face, and looked up into the mirror. Red-tinted cheeks, a pursed mouth and anxious eyes stared back at him. He pulled some paper towels out of the dispenser and rubbed his face dry. Then, he wet his hand just a bit and tried to get his hair to lie flat. After some frustrated finger-combing, his fingers getting stuck midway, he gave up with a deep sigh and dried his hands with another paper towel.

Behind him, the occupied toilet stall opened, and someone joined him at the wash basin, opening the faucet and pumping soap onto their hands. Dark hair, tan skin, dark clothes. David. Oh shit.

“Uhm,” Matteo coughed, bringing the hand with the paper towel up to his mouth. “Hey. I, uhm, left some paper towels, so.” 

David let out a laugh that sounded more like a hiccup and a giggle, shaking his head.

“Good to know. Hi again, by the way.” 

Matteo smiled and stared at David. His hair, his eyes, his everything was just so handsome. Then, he blinked and asked: 

“This, uh, is turning into a thing, huh?”

“What? Us meeting awkwardly in bathrooms? It is very classy, indeed, if you ask me. We even have royal blue chamber pots.”

Matteo let out a gruff laugh. Chamber pots? Who even said that anymore?

“I guess.” 

Matteo observed as David grimaced at his mirrored self, a hint of an embarrassed blush spreading on David’s cheeks, and Matteo snorted at the picture it made. Maybe he should be nice and try to save the guy from himself.

“Well, dunno if the paper towels live up to your standards, then. They’re kinda scratchy.”

“I will suffer them.”

David let out a few hiccup-laughs. He went on to say something else when the door opened and Jonas poked his head around it, bellowing:

“Luigi! Warm-up time! Carlos is basically vibrating out of his shoes and last time I checked, Kiki looked a bit like she’ll faint soon if we don’t get started, so I would appreciate it if you got your ass to the dressing room. Oh, hey David.”

After a stern nod and a two-fingered salute, he closed the door. Matteo grinned helplessly. 

“Well then. Uh, maybe we’ll see each other after?”

“Sure,” David replied. “Good luck with your performance.” 

Matteo nodded, dumped the paper towel he was still holding into the bin, and left the room with a little wave in David’s direction, not entirely sure if he was glad or utterly annoyed by the sudden disturbance.

The air in the dressing room was buzzing with nerves and excitement, and as Matteo walked in, he saw his friends already getting ready: he spotted Hanna massaging Sam’s shoulders, Kiki doing lip rolls, and Abdi and Jonas literally jumping up and down to get warm. He frowned when he didn’t spot Carlos right away, but the worry was gone shortly after as Carlos appeared in front of him, frantically asking where Matteo had been, why he’d come in so last minute and _oh god what if he messed up?_

Matteo huffed out a laugh, pushing past Carlos while telling him he wouldn’t mess up, and went to sit next to Hanna and Sam. The whole group was wearing all black, like every time they performed, but they always had a splash of colour in their attire. Usually, it was the same colour for everyone, but this time, in the light of the night’s theme, they had opted for wearing different colours from the rainbow flag. 

Hanna’s right hand left Sam’s shoulders for a moment, earning Hanna a whine from her, to poke Matteo’s cheek. She grinned brightly, her lips and nails painted in red, and a similar coloured scarf tied on her hair. She had really made an effort. Matteo had simply thrown on a sky blue t-shirt underneath his black hoodie.

“Nervous?”

Hanna’s grin melted into a more gentle one and Matteo shrugged, responding to her with a small, crooked smile.

“Yeah.”

“You will nail it, bro!” Abdi exclaimed, panting a bit after all the jumping. “We’ve got your back!”

Matteo froze for a moment, noticing the square shaped, neon yellow eyeglasses Abdi was wearing. He nodded slowly, squinting a bit.

“I– What the fuck are those?”

Matteo pointed at the most awful glasses he had ever seen, quite sure he hadn’t had them on when they walked to the bar. Abdi scoffed, faking offence while his grin totally ruined the performance. He didn’t answer the question but did come closer just to punch Matteo’s arm and then ruffle his hair. Matteo groaned, waving him off.  
  
He did appreciate what Abdi had said, though. Matteo knew that these people were his good friends and, of course, that they were always there for him. He knew they’d save him in case he forgot the words, like he’d done to them the times it had happened in their years of rehearsals and performances, so it wasn’t really a matter of trust. And he wasn’t afraid to step on the stage, either. It had simply been such a long time since he’d last been in the spotlight that it felt odd. Unfamiliar. And he was just _so nervous._

When Sam jumped up and announced it was time for warm-up, as they had 7 minutes left until _showtime_. So they got up, proceeded to go through quick stretches, yawns, an coughs to make sure they were all somewhat relaxed before getting into the quick routine of lip rolls and scales they always did before performing. The dressing room didn’t have a keyboard, obviously, so they went by memory – which worked fine, really, even if it was a bit tricky, as they had people with quite different ranges.

After what felt like the blink of an eye, Matteo found himself standing next to the stage, focusing on taking deep breaths and calming himself down. Jonas slammed his hand on Matteo’s back, sliding it on his shoulders and effectively weighing him down, and grounding him in the process. Jonas corrected the position of the orange beanie that had slid down a bit, and Matteo noted, as he glanced sideways to his friend, that he was also wearing a beaded bracelet of the same colour – probably a gift from someone in the youth group he was currently mentoring – and had a very wide, goofy grin on his face. Matteo grinned back, because despite the nerves, the short moment with their group alone was something he needed to reassure him it would all go smoothly; now, he found actually found himself excited to perform.

“Ready?”

Jonas shook him gently and Matteo slightly threw his head back, laughing silently, as Marie started talking on the stage again. He couldn’t really focus on her words but it was most likely something about _the great performances they just heard_ and introducing them, as they’d be up next.

“No, man, but can’t turn back now, can I?” Matteo whispered.

Jonas’ laughed loudly, earning a slap on his arm from Sam who was shushing him immediately, but also smiling at Matteo. Sam lifted her brows questioningly and Matteo nodded, getting a nod back. 

He and Sam were quite a team with arrangements, really, and over the years he had found that it was very easy to be around her. She was laid back as well as healthily nonchalant, which was something Matteo was still learning how to be. She also provided a valuable point of view on their arrangements: while Matteo was the main arranger for their group, his style was very _him,_ meaning he was quite toned down and his song picks were mostly slower and more melancholic. Sam brought twists into the game, suggesting things Matteo hadn’t even thought and song choices he had a hard time to swallow but was always glad he did when the arrangement was ready and in practice.

Sam also brought him a lot of support in her own way – she was by no means sweet and warm, like for example Hanna, but she had the amazing skill of making you let go of stuff and see a brighter side to things. She had also stepped in to take responsibility for the group without hesitation, when Matteo had told them he’d be absent for some months. And just as easily, she had stepped down to let him back in when he’d been ready to return. He’d be forever grateful to her.

Matteo was pulled out from his thoughts by a push from Jonas, making him stumble onto the stage. The bright lights in various colours made him squint his eyes a bit as he took a look at the crowd. For a moment, the spotlights turned the spectators into one one dark blob, only making the front row barely visible to him from how the lights hit his eyes – which he was thankful for since he couldn’t really see how big the audience actually was. He could make out the sound of Hans enthusiastically applauding them and managed to spot him a bit to the right from the center of the first row. Then, Linn came into focus with Laura next to her. Matteo also noticed David, who was also sitting next to Laura. It seemed like David was watching them intently and Matteo quickly turned his head away. Judging by the rise in his heart rate, he didn’t really need any extra nerves now, and David was a person who’d definitely cause some if Matteo kept looking over at him.

They took their positions, Carlos stepping to the front and being received with a short additional applause. Matteo was placed in the back middle, appreciating that Carlos was standing between him and the audience, blocking him just a bit more – although the effect was minimal, as they were only seven people on the stage.

The cozy chatter of the crown quieted down, an air of expectation taking its place. The song they had picked had actually nothing to do with the queer theme – well, if you didn’t count that it had been arranged by people who were part of the community – but they’d chosen it because it was so close to all of their hearts. It was the first song Matteo had arranged with Sam, picked after they’d seen a ridiculous, very old parody video that had used the song as a base for their “literal video version”. It was supposed to be a joke, but it had turned out great, and over the years they kept on improving it, changing some things and fixing some others, until it was a song they sang regularly at the practice. Needless to say, they knew every word and part by heart now, so it was really a song they all could have fun with. Hence, it was a perfect song for Matteo to perform in front of a bigger crowd after over a year of absence.

Matteo took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a split second, before opening them again and singing the beginning note for them. Everyone straightened their posture a bit, as he counted to four, and the song began: hums and dums turning into the supporting parts, Jonas’ and Abdi’s beatboxing creating the base as Carlos took on the lead vocals.

Carlos sang brightly, hitting every note and Matteo couldn’t help but smile. Carlos had a wide range as a tenor and could hit ridiculously high notes, always earning fantastic reactions from the audience when their group sang this particular song. This time was no exception.

 _Take on me, take me on_ _  
__I’ll be gone in a day or two!_

As Carlos hit the high note, people started laughing and cheering, and that was the thing Matteo really loved in performing: the interaction between them and the people enjoying their performance during the songs. Matteo sneaked a glance towards David, who was grinning at a full-on raving Laura.

As the song went forward, Matteo found himself relaxing and enjoying every note, singing his part like it was something he knew in his dreams – and he probably did at this point, really. He could see the others loosening up as well and as they hit the bridge, the song was really just them having fun more than performing. All of them clapped to the rhythm while singing, Jonas and Sam also stomping their feet to emphasize it, and it only took a second for the whole audience to pick up on it and join in.

In the last refrain, Matteo took a look around the group, breaking into a wide smile. Jonas and Abdi were making some elaborate hand choreography to the rhythm of their beatboxing, Sam and Hanna were almost jumping by now – but only almost, so that it wouldn’t disturb their voices too much – and Matteo himself was grabbed by the hand by Kiki, who had pink clip-on strands in her hair, swinging around their interlocked hands.

As they hit the end of the song, people in the audience were applauding and laughing, and so was Matteo along with his friends as Carlos was doing an almost clownish series of bows in all directions. The mood in the room had turned into a pleasant and cheerful one, and a bit of a chatter was rising up again now that people were eagerly commenting on the performance during the position change.

That’s when the smile on Matteo’s face dropped a bit as the realisation sent a jolt of ice down his spine: it was his turn to step forward as the main vocalist. He gulped, his throat feeling a bit dry all of a sudden, as the tips of his fingers had an unpleasant tingle to them and he could feel his heart thumping faster. That’s when Sam appeared in front of him, a water bottle in her hand, offering Matteo a sip from it. He accepted the bottle gratefully, taking a big gulp before handing it back. Sam’s blue locks were all tied up in a high bun on her head and held in place with a purple glittering ribbon, the sparkles of it captivating Matteo for a short moment. As he dropped his gaze back, his eyes locked with Sam’s. She had a confident smile on her face.

“Time to charm them, pretty boy.”

Matteo scoffed at her comment, but felt some of the tension leave him at the joke – she really had a talent for breaking through whatever it was that was weighing you down.

“Guess so,” Matteo’s answer came through as more of a sigh, and he rolled his shoulders to force out some more of the built up nervous energy that was pulling them up towards his ears. Sam grinned and wiggled her brows again, earning herself an eye roll from Matteo, as she turned to take her place in the formation. Matteo walked slowly to the front, the position making the people in the audience more visible, and took a few deep breaths again, shaking his hands slightly to get rid of the tingling sensation. He was well aware of the fact that he was almost panicking without the random physical reminders.

As Matteo turned to look behind him to make sure everyone was ready, he was met with wide smiles and thumbs up gestures. Jonas in particular had the goofiest face on, making him chuckle as he turned back, shaking his head a bit. He took a look around again and saw Linn and Hans waving at him, both of them looking like they were about to jump up from their seats. Matteo took a peak a bit further to the right, now also seeing Laura, who was already smiling like she was utterly excited for what was coming. And then there was David, his eyes fixed right on Matteo. It made his breath catch a little, and he simply whipped his head back to looking straight forward, despite the lights making him squint a little again. He couldn’t figure out the color of them, they kept changing too fast.

Sam sang the first note this time around, and Matteo let his eyes slide closed, letting out a deep sigh. He heard her count up – “one, two, three, four...” – and let the voices of the others wash over him.

_I need a hero!_

It sounded fantastic, if he might say so himself, everyone hitting the notes with precision and the harmony echoing in the space. Matteo let the sound of it empty his head, opening his eyes only when it was time to catch his own cue.

The thing was, he knew he was a good singer and had mastered the techniques, knowing how his voice worked. The downside was that he could now hear ever so clearly how tense he was, his voice lacked its usual power and was coming out a little too weak for his liking. So he closed his eyes again, letting the voices of the group relax him, and directed all of his focus on the song itself, using all his willpower to bring the lyrics to life. And it worked.

It took him a surprisingly short amount of time to get comfortable again, and when they hit the refrain, he felt ready to face the audience again, opening his eyes and still letting the song lead him. Matteo decided that looking around was worth it, because what he could make out from behind the spotlight were faces that were absolutely _delighted_.

_Somewhere just beyond my reach there's someone reaching back for me_

He hadn’t planned on reaching his hand out, but he did – just for a moment. He would probably play the scene over in his head later and feel embarrassed for getting so swept up into the song, but he didn’t think about it right now. He also chose to ignore the squeal that sounded an awful lot like Hans.

_Racing through the thunder and rising with the heat_

_It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet_

As Matteo snached his hand back, squeezing it into a fist, the most ridiculous, nasal “whoaa” followed from behind him – courtesy of Sam’s imagination – and _that_ was followed by the cheering of the crowd. It made Matteo feel like he could actually breathe freely again and enjoy himself to the fullest. He wasn’t big on being in the spotlight, and more often than not he let others take it instead, but he had missed singing like this. He had missed performing so much, he realized, now that he was standing here, as a lead singer – for a song that admittedly had some truth in it, expressing the aching loneliness that was always hiding underneath it all. He was experiencing this moment with his whole being, happier than he had been in a long, long time

At the last refrain, after the build up from the bridge, Matteo felt like he was flying. It came so easily to him, that he gave his all to it without really even realizing it. He held the last note for just a little longer than he had planned to bask in the feeling a tiny bit longer. It was obvious that with his tricky brain the sadness was bound to hit again, at some point, but right now, he felt truly free. He let the note fade out, hesitant to let it go, and was met with a silence that felt so deep after the song. It didn’t last too long, though, because the crowd _exploded_ into a round of applause. Some people even jumped up from their seats, giving them a standing ovation, while loud cheers and whistling sounds rang through the crowd.

It was so overwhelming that Matteo went a little wide-eyed, scratching his neck awkwardly, and made a small bow, before trying to escape the sudden attention. Apparently, his luck had run out tonight, as Jonas snached him by the hood of his sweater, and dragged him back, pushing him into the middle while all the rest of the group gathered around him. Everyone was smiling or full on laughing now, as the energy and nerves had finally been released, and made a full row for the final bows. After they made one together, Carlos jumped forward to bow again, earning a round of applause to himself, and that’s when Matteo realized he was going to be put on the spot as well – though luckily, for the last time tonight. 

Sure enough, Carlos turned around and dragged him to the front, stepping back himself and leaving Matteo in the middle of the even fiercer applause. He wasn’t really sure if their performance had been good enough to warrant _this_ , honestly, but he did another awkward half-bow, curtly turning to glance over his shoulder as he heard the boys hollering behind him. He attempted a scowl but his amused smile betrayed him, as he walked over and pushed Jonas in the direction of the small staircase off the stage in the middle of his loudest whoop. Abdi and Carlos walked behind them, making all sorts of victory sounds, the girls laughing next to them at their antics. As he stepped off the stairs, he was immediately pulled into a hug by both Linn and Hans, who immediately started talking over each other with _wow_ s and _that was amazing_ s. Matteo let out a giggle at their hyped-up antics, but mostly kept it silent, something just for himself. It had turned out to be a very good night.

After grabbing their stuff from the small dressing room, where some other group was getting ready and had looked quite annoyed at the interruption, they all made a beeline for the bar to celebrate. Carlos had ordered drinks for everyone, telling them he was a big earner now, and when Matteo had gotten his coke, he’d just stood there, sipping from his cool glass, looking at his friends, the glee radiating between them. Hanna had hooked her arm into Kikis, moving away to find a seat to watch the next performance. Carlos, Abdi and Jonas had decided to go out for a smoke, asking Matteo if he was alright with being left alone for a while. He had just given them a nudge with the head, urging them to go outside if they wanted to; they had really earned it. 

Matteo made some small talk with Sam, rehashing how their arrangement had gone perfectly. Sam had teased him about the hand thing, just like he’d anticipated, and then left to meet up with Sara and Leonie who were standing across the room, hugging and kissing them both on the cheek when she got there, leaving Matteo on his own, which he didn’t mind too much, really. 

With slight disappointment, he noticed that his drink had warmed up in his hand, the glass no longer cool against his palms, and he decided to down it in one go. Afterwards, he turned back to the bar to order another drink.  
  
“Hey!”  
  
Laura was suddenly standing next to him, a smug smile playing around her face, her eyes filled with fire.  
  
“I saw you on that stage there.”

“Ah, yeah.”

Matteo scratched at his neck just as the bartender asked him what he would like. He ordered still water in a fit of panic. Laura was still positively vibrating besides him, and even paid for his water before he could. 

When he spluttered at her antics, she countered: “Let me treat you, you deserve it. Now, real talk, you were amazing! Just, I can’t even describe it, what are musical terms? Who is your arranger? I saw both you and that one girl from your group, Leonie’s friend, do the count up!”

Matteo blinked himself out of his stupor.

“Uh, I kind of do the arranging. And the girl, Sam, she’s the assistant arranger.”

“What!? And Linn never told me? Like, she said you were into music, but boy, she never told me you were this _good_.”

Laura’s eyes turned dark and stormy with the wild passion in her voice. Matteo clumsily took the glass of water when the bartender offered it to him, almost spilling a bit of the content onto himself, trying to keep up with Laura’s enthusiastic, but very overwhelming chatter.

“Seriously, you’re amazing. That bridge was _golden_ , holy shit. The _depth_ it had.”

She continued with some fast-paced analysis of both their songs, going on about the different parts and melodies and harmonies and overall greatness of _Sempre piu_. Matteo didn’t catch half of it in the end, just clutching the glass of water in his hand, attempting to at least follow the train of Laura’s thoughts. 

When she had concluded her rant on rhythm placement, she quieted down and looked at Matteo expectantly. He blinked slowly, not exactly sure what he was supposed to say in a situation like this.

“Ehm, thanks? I mean, thank you so much”

He made a wet path on the glass with his thumb and smirked at Laura, cocking his head to the side.

“You and your group weren’t so bad yourselves. You’re a great arranger, you know.”

Laura waved at him.

“Pfft, that was nothing.”

“No, really. That was, like, professional level shit.”

His compliment seemed to hit it home, as she quite literally beamed at him.

“What do you think, Matteo? Let’s say I come over to your place sometime soon and instead of holing up in your room, you join us in the living room and we can compare notes. Maybe I can make shakshuka?”

Jackpot. Laura’s shakshuka was out of this world. Matteo had gotten his hands on it a few times, as she and Linn had been kind enough to leave some leftovers for Hans and him. It was so simple, but so good.

“Sure. If we manage to decipher mine, that is. Best bring a magnifying glass or something.”

Laura giggled, obviously delighted at his joke – which had more truth behind it than he dared to admit.

“No worries, my handwriting is atrocious as well. We’ll just have to suffer together. Maybe we could invest into one of these composing programs? I’ve seen them pop up a few times.”

Matteo smiled as she trailed off again, raving on about professional-grade software and the different things one could download to improve practise. That’s when David came to awkwardly stand next to her, putting his hand on her shoulder.

“Laura, uh, the others are leaving. If we want to catch the next bus, we should leave soon as well.”

Laura got a shit-eating grin on her face, and put her arm around David’s shoulders, a feat considering that David was almost half a head taller than her.

“Matteo, have you met my delightful brother David? He absolutely _loved_ your performance, did you not, David?”

Her voice was rather chipper, and David laughed awkwardly, turning to Matteo.

“You really were amazing. Sorry, I’m not as good with fancy music terms as Laura is.”

“I thought you were all about fancy stuff?” Matteo teased him, just for good measure. “But seriously, no worries. My head is literally a sieve, I never remember them either.”

Laura looked between them, a happy, but still a bit of a sly grin on her face.

“So you do know each other! Well, maybe David can join in on one of our arranging adventures?”

David groaned in response, and she cackled.

“Ok, let’s go, Laura. The bus, remember.”

“True. Let me go kiss my girlfriend goodbye and then we’re ready to leave. See you soon, Matteo. We’ll meet then, with notes!”

She winked at him.

“Bye,” David said lowly, waving at him, a small smile on his face.

Matteo waved back at them. The siblings went further into the room, looking for Linn, and Laura enthusiastically gestured at David, which David responded to with burying his face in his hands. Now that he thought about it, David joining his awkward note comparing session with Laura didn’t sound like such a bad idea. David in a natural setting, no bathrooms involved. A man could dream. 

A fist bumped into his shoulder as the boys settled around him. They would order a few more drinks and then also slowly make their way home. The exhaustion from everything was really hitting him. But nothing could top the high he’d felt on stage today. It was something he would carry with him for the rest of the month, making him glow even in the darker hours. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear your thoughts! All the comments and kudos are dearly appreciated <3
> 
> * In the scene with Matteo and Linn, Linn talks about seven years of bad sex if Matteo doesn't look into her eyes when they clink their glasses together. This is an actual saying in Germany, and you will have people staring intently into your eyes while doing so! 
> 
> Important songs featured in the chapter: 
> 
> 1\. _Take Me To Church_ by Hozier (Sound Off A Capella cover)  
> 2\. _Take On Me_ by a-ha (Pentatonix cover)  
> 3\. _Holding Out for a hero_ by Bonnie Tyler (Washington University Stereotypes cover)
> 
> If you want, you can find us on tumblr as [rikotin](https://rikotin.tumblr.com/) and [mynameisnotthepoint](https://mynameisnotthepoint.tumblr.com/), where we share little sneak peeks of what's to come on Six Sentence Sundays :)  
> 


	3. It's the wheel of fortune

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays!! Hope you're having a relaxing and wonderful time ❤
> 
> The weekly updating playlist to go with the chapters can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA). 
> 
> Here's a little something of what's to come:  
>  _“Guess what? I have lover boy’s phone number now, as a new member of the flatshare and everything.”_  
>  _David stuttered a what? I never? while Mohammed was generally confused about the whole lover boy thing._  
>  _“You see, Mohammed, David just has a little thing for…”_  
>  _Just as she went to say Matteo’s name, the doors dinged and David loudly shushed her. Because there, waiting at the open door, were Linn, Laura, and indeed, Matteo._
> 
> Cuddle up and enjoy the chapter ❤

David shoved his hands in his pockets and buried his nose a bit further into the big scarf around his neck, trying to chase away the cold seeping into his bones. He had been standing there for over ten minutes, waiting for Mohammed; he had agreed to meet up with him near the kindergarten Mohammed was working at so they could walk the rest of the way to their rehearsal together. 

It wasn’t exactly new to him that Mohammed was late for what they had scheduled – all the kids at the kindergarten loved him, so leaving was always a bit of a struggle for him, the children clinging to his limbs like leeches – but the bite of the wind and the dullness of the grey, gloomy sky were starting to get to him, as he was losing feeling in his nose and his fingertips were tingling. A sigh of relief escaped him when he finally saw Mohammed turn a corner and hurry his way.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry!” Mohammed exclaimed when he had just about reached David and lifted his hands in the air, holding a takeaway cup in each one.

“Why are those kids so fond of you? Did you bribe them with candy or pirate stories?”

Mohammed let out a laugh, shaking his head, and held out one of the cups.

“I’m just naturally likable and sweet. It’s chai, by the way.”

David accepted the cup offered to him, thankful for the warmth it radiated to his icy fingers, and they started walking towards their rehearsal space, both sipping their drinks in comfortable silence. He couldn’t really argue with Mohammed’s statement. It was true that Mohammed _was_ very likable. He had been easy to get along with ever since they had met, when Amira had dragged him into the very first rehearsals they had as Dolce Fermata, kindly shoving Mohammed into their hands with a simple “he beatboxes and sings, and is tremendously moping around because his last group got disbanded”. 

Omar had been overjoyed about this change of events. He had been trying to get Mohammed to join ever since he and Laura had started plotting the whole a cappella group thing at _The Legendary Christmas Party_ – as they liked to refer to it – where they had met by chance, and somehow got talking about music. David was still not sure who had hosted the party, how Laura and Omar had both ended up attending when they worked in such different fields and had virtually no connections prior to the party, and what exactly happened at said party. He was doomed to remain ignorant: whenever they were asked about it, they never mentioned anything that could have given away any substantial details.

Over time, David realized that he and Mohammed had actually much more in common than it seemed at first, and suddenly David had found himself going on runs with him and to the same gym as him, as well as just hanging out regularly outside of practise. He even helped Mohammed propose to Amira, assisting him to plan out the cheesiest and most romantic scheme, which had included lots of fairy lights and roses in a beautiful park. It was so _Mohammed_ that David had almost burst out laughing when Mohammed told him his initial idea, but it was very sweet, and Amira had, of course, said yes. They both still lived with their parents, Amira being adamant to finish her studies before the wedding, but they were inseparable nonetheless.

“I’ve found a new hobby.”

Mohammed broke the silence as they were but a few streets away from their practice place, and took another sip. David hummed, a smile creeping onto his face.

“Okay.”

“You want to hear what it is?”

David huffed out a proper laugh now. He had heard of a few of Mohammed’s attempted hobbies from oil painting to pottery making, and there were only two options for the way his attempts ended: either in a disaster or a near relationship crisis. One time, he had attempted to make stained glass art, but cut himself badly enough to having to go and get the wound glued up. The other time, when he was learning to mold clay pots, he was constantly covered in clay and Amira got fed up with it after hugging him and getting her clothes tarnished for the fifth time in a week. She didn’t stop him from doing what he liked, of course, but as Mohammed didn’t get any better with the pots and was also regularly denied hugs due to his clay-stained shirts, he ultimately decided to give his potter’s wheel away.

“Alright, I’ll bite. What is it?” David finally sighed, taking a sip from his cup. The sweet taste of chai was just the thing he needed on a dark autumn day like this.

“Poetry.”

David choked on his tea, grimacing and coughing a bit. Despite all the things he knew Mohammed had tried, this one had still caught him completely off guard. Mohammed kicked him in the ankle, laughing brightly.

“Thank you, I truly appreciate your support!”

“Oh, shut up.”

David coughed some more, taking another sip to ease away the ache in his throat before talking again.

“Poetry, huh? How’d that happen?”

Mohammed shrugged, emptying his cup and throwing it into a bin they passed by.

“I tried it out of curiosity and found it kind of… soothing? For lack of a better word. It’s supposed to be romantic as well, but it appears my future wife isn’t one for romance.”

David burst out laughing, almost dropping his cup and the rest of the remaining tea.

“Amira does seem more of a boxing and rap kind of person,” he chuckled, when Mohammed turned to him with a pout on his face.

“You’re supposed to side with me,” he commented sourly, burying his hands into his pockets. David sighed, willing his laughing to a minimum, and slapped a hand on Mohammed’s back encouragingly.

“Let me hear it, then.”

“ _The princess who stores my heart in her palm, I’ve sworn myself to you in the darkest of days and brightest of moments. The flower of my love and affection never withers, but only blooms bigger and bigger with the time I get to share my life with you. The most beautiful star in the night sky._ ”

David closed his eyes for a second, taking in a breath.

“I mean… I’m more of a lyrics kind of guy, but that was quite… Impressive.”

David said his words a bit slow while considering how to put his words to refrain from accidentally offending his friend as he was obviously excited to share his writing. It wasn’t like he really knew anything about poetry anyway, and the wide smile he earned from Mohammed in return counted as a win.

“Thank you!”  
  
The genuinely delighted tone of his voice made David grin back at him. Mohammed really was likable and sweet.

They had finally reached the building their music room was booked in, still a bit early for practice. David tossed his cup in a bin in front of the building, as he knew Laura would not let him hear the end of it if he came in carrying one despite it being a treat from Mohammed. They went into the studio, only to find Laura and Leonie chatting in the corner, while Omar was sitting in front of the piano, playing a simple melody David didn’t recognize, and humming to the rhythm of it. Mohammed walked straight over to Omar, saying something about a work thing he needed to ask about. Omar worked in the same kindergarten as Mohammed, his speciality being that he was always covered in paint and various splatters and spots of dirt after his workdays. David made his way to Laura and Leonie, dropping his bag on the ground next to them.

“Now would you look at that! My beloved brother!”

Laura’s voice was chipper and dripping with sarcasm. David rolled his eyes and sat down on the floor next to Leonie.

“Did you know, Leonie, that my shoes used to be white a couple of nights ago,” Laura continued with the feigned cheerfulness, and widened her eyes in exaggeration, pointing at her tennis shoes that were currently stained with brown splotches.

“So white and clean, so pretty and neat, so _tidy and perfect_ –”

“I already said I’m sorry,” David groaned, dropping his head back. Leonie looked between the two, then to Laura’s shoes, amusement playing in her eyes.

“Someone want to fill me in, or…?”

Laura shuffled herself right next to David and threw a hand on his shoulders, the sweetest smile on her face – only to hide the still ongoing fury she had in her veins for David ruining her new shoes, he suspected.

“David was so smitten–”

“I wasn’t smitten!”

“– So _infatuated_ with a certain blond guy singing about needing a hero at the queer song night, that he poured his whisky cola all over my poor canvas sneakers.”

Leonie burst out laughing, and all David could do was stare at Laura, feeling deeply betrayed. Before he could come up with any counter-arguments, the door was pushed open, and Sara and Essam jumped into the room, their arms joined, reciting Macbeth while wildly emoting the lines – Sara the actual ones in the play, and Essam clearly ones they came up with on the spot.

“ _Is this a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?”_ Sara let out a high-pitched squeak, shooting her hand over her head to hold her phone up and staring at it with wide eyes and mouth dropped open in a prentended shock.

“It is a smartphone, m’lady. It won’t play no weapon, I’m afraid, but one can crack the screen by simply looking at it in a wrong manner.”

Essam shouted their line in a loud, nasal voice, causing Sara’s posture to break. She shook her head and freed her arm from Essam’s hold, throwing a seemingly curious look towards David and Leonie, who was still cackling next to him. David shook his head, slumping his shoulders in relief as Sara shrugged and went to drop off her things to the side of the room. Laura jumped up, making her way to piano, where Omar and Mohammed were still deep in discussion about something.

“Matteo, huh…”

David whipped his head towards Leonie, who had finally recovered from her laughing fit, only to have the slyest smile on her face. He knew that smile. It never promised anything good.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

David tried to sound nonchalant, but knew that he failed miserably, and stood up quickly as Laura clapped her hands to get everyone’s attention. David found himself being a bit distracted half of the practice, missing his cues in _Umbrella_ that Omar had chosen for himself to be a lead vocalist in. He didn’t, however, miss the way Omar was poorly imitating some of the dance moves from the music video, and laughed himself to death. They also took up _Circle of life_ as a new practising piece, but didn’t really get too far with it, as David and Essam constantly came up with new words for the exclaim in the beginning of the song, sending everyone into laughing fits time after time. As she had been pretty pleased with their last performance, Laura had just sighed but let their antics slide just this once, despite the fact that they would probably all have an awful earworm or two out of the ridiculous lyrics.

The songs they had practiced were somehow still stuck in David’s head the next day as he entered the library after lunch. He was tempted to belt out a few lines, accompanied by some dance moves, something the woman sitting at the entrance desk – reading a smutty romance novel through her glasses that were pushed to the tip of her nose – would certainly not appreciate. Leonie was already waiting for him: a few minutes ago, she had sent him a picture of herself face-planted on three different civil law tomes, their pages adorned with colorful sticky notes, along with her exact location in the labyrinth of a library.

As he made his way down the row of tables, he saw she had saved him a seat by placing a pile of law books on the chair next to hers. She was concentratedly flipping through the three books, which were propped up on those little book stands every law student seemed to have, and scribbling stuff down, her longs strands of hair flying around with every movement. As she hadn’t even looked up at him approaching, David decided to poke her lightly in the arm that was resting on one of the books. She squeaked and slapped him, making everyone in their close vicinity turn around and glare at them. 

“David, you ass!” she whispered a bit louder than it was strictly allowed by the unspoken library rules, causing someone nearby to cough pointedly. “You fucking scared me!”

“What was I to do, stand there and wait until you were done wading through your swamp of laws and bylaws?”

“They are perfectly in order.”

Someone hushed them, loudly, from behind them. Leonie sniffed, rolling her eyes before taking the books on the chair and placing them further back on the desk behind her other books. Giving her a small nod and a smile, David sat down on the chair and bowed down to retrieve his laptop and sketchbook from his backpack, which he had positioned against the chair. 

He had some writing for a group project to finish, and his art class required several lesson plans and example sketches. For a few minutes, he just tried to focus on the blank page before him, willing himself to get some words in. But with Leonie’s frantic page-turning and writing, he decided to get out his headphones and put on some chill music. 

After a good hour of productivity, the room started clearing out as a lot of people left for their next classes. Following them with his eyes, David suddenly noticed something, or rather someone, that almost made him jump in his seat. It was Matteo, sitting two tables away from them. He was writing and erasing and rewriting notes on double-paged sheet music, teeth worrying at his bottom lip, his left hand curled tight around an eraser. Fat noise-cancelling headphones sat on his ears, flattening his usually unruly hair. David followed Matteo’s still disarrayed fringe down the slope of his adorable nose to his pink lips, which were letting out what were definitely curse words, across his worn shirt, ending at Matteo’s nimble hands. He sat too far away for David to be able to read what exactly he was writing down – not that David was terribly good at reading sheet music, anyway – but he didn’t doubt it was going to be an amazing arrangement. 

That’s when he caught himself getting lost in his thoughts. Adorable? Nimble? _Amazing_? What was he doing? Matteo looked good, that was true, but drooling over him like he was the best thing to have ever happened? That wasn’t like him. He really needed to chill.

A light slap on his arm shook him out of his reverie, and after pulling his headphones down, David looked left towards Leonie. She was typing away on her phone, a smirk playing on her face. It stayed there as she turned around to look at him, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I got a room.”

“No way! Nice.”

“Yeah, I can finally get away from those assholes who decided to ditch me.”

“Where did you get it from?”

Leonie smirked again, the expression on her face turning into a teasing one.

“I’ll be moving in with your lover bo-o-oy.” 

David blanched. How did she even– was his staring that obvious?

“C–...Come again?”

“You are so adorable. With Matteo, of course! And Linn, obviously. Anyway, Laura told me about them needing a third flatmate, and would you look at that! I can move in next Saturday!”

She bumped his shoulder conspiratorially.

“So if you help me move in, I can definitely arrange a meeting between you two.”

“Please don’t wriggle your eyebrows again. It’s creepy,” David sighed, putting a bit of a whine in his voice. He could’ve also added that Matteo was, in fact, not his lover boy and that they hadn’t even talked all that much, but he knew it was useless when it came to Leonie. 

She winked at him instead.

“What say you, young David?”

She was definitely spending too much time with Sara, picking up her dramatic antics.

“God, alright. I’ll help you move. Happy now?”

“Not as happy as you’ll be to talk to your bo-o–”

“ _Leonie_ , seriously! Please, just… These people hate us already.”

And surely enough, the same person behind them hushed again, the force of it hitting the back of David’s neck. He and Leonie burst into mostly silent giggles. The only one not affected by the commotion seemed to be Matteo, who was still writing away on his sheet music. Instead of a frown, however, a small smile now played around his lips, lighting up his eyes, and his head seemed to bop along to the beat from his headphones. 

David felt a sudden urge to go talk to him, to get to know him more. This was becoming a weirdly common theme whenever he saw Matteo. What was it about him that made David lose all sense of himself? He had worked his ass off, following his own path without disturbance, to get where he was now. Even thinking that someone had so easily stepped into his life and made themselves known in the most painstakingly obvious way without even trying terrified David tremendously. And yet. Befriending him couldn’t hurt, right?

When he was trying to heave around the dead weight of a dresser with Mohammed on Saturday, his aching muscles reminded him that working out before a day of carrying furniture was never a good idea. In the two years Leonie had lived at her previous flatshare, she had accumulated _so_ much stuff. Most of it was the heavy antique furniture she had somehow managed to lug up her five flights of nineteenth century building stairs. He suspected there had been a few lesbians with a rental car involved, like there were now. Well, if you counted Linn, Laura and Leonie herself. A friend of Leonie’s was supposed to come as well, but then she had to cancel because of a pet emergency. Sara and Essam were currently driving back to Leonie’s place to get more stuff with a car Leonie had rented yet again – her parents’ Audi “far too precious” to be used on such tedious things like moving. 

They had already lugged most of the stuff they had brought over on the first round into entrance hallway, even most of the furniture, which was now waiting to be carried upstairs. That left Mohammed, David, and Leonie standing in front of the building Leonie was moving into. The building Linn lived in. The building that, consequently, Matteo lived in as well. And currently, both Laura, her girlfriend, and Matteo were getting the flat ready so they would have an easier time getting the furniture in. David wondered if his meeting with him would be as awkward as the last few times. He had tried to be his usual self, but somehow, it had backfired on him – there was something about Matteo that made him clumsy, for lack of a better term. 

Leonie let them into the building, and they walked up to the rackety lift the building luckily had. It was, however, on some of the upper floors and very slow to react; so, to save their muscles, Mohammed and David gently lowered the dresser on the mostly clean floor. When the lift finally arrived, they managed to heave the dresser into it with some effort, opting to hold it this time. It was a bit of a squeeze, but miraculously, Leonie managed to slip in between the wall and the dresser, so they all fit.

Painfully slowly, the lift made its way up to the first floor, where it dinged again. David made a mental note that they should just take the lighter things with the stairs – the flat was on the second floor after all, and taking that snail of a lift would make the moving process even longer. Mohammed let out a very audible groan, and David managed to suppress his own, as the edges of the dresser were really starting to dig into his palms. The person waiting in front of the lift door shook their head when they saw the state of it and took a step back.

As soon as the doors closed again and the lift continued its journey upwards, Leonie got out her phone. 

“Guess what? I have lover boy’s phone number now, as a new member of the flatshare and everything.”

David stuttered a _what? I never?_ while Mohammed was generally confused about the whole lover boy thing. 

“You see, Mohammed, David just has a little thing for…”

Just as she went to say Matteo’s name, the doors dinged and David loudly shushed her. Because there, waiting at the open door, were Linn, Laura, and indeed, Matteo. 

There was no time for real embarrassment as David looked at Mohammed and they silently communicated that they just wanted to get this over with. Mohammed had a bit of a smirk on his face, which David decided to ignore. He knew Mohammed wasn’t the type to pry – bless him – so he’d get away with it for now. They carried the dresser of doom into the apartment, with Linn guiding them to where it had to go. Just when they put it down, both of them letting out a deep sigh of relief, the doorbell rang, and Sara and Essam announced they were back with more stuff.

The next hour was spent with running up and down stairs, taking the lift one more time with a desk, a bed stand and four boxes of books, this time just David, no one else able to fit in along with him. After heaving up the last suitcase with clothes, Leonie carrying a crate with university papers and a backpack that had a lamp and some assorted toiletry stuffed into it, they had managed to clear everything in the car and, after a perfunctory cleaning, bring it back to the rental service as they neither wanted to pay for more parking time nor let the hours for the car rack up. Now, all that was left was arranging Leonie’s room so she could actually sleep in it later that night.

Linn and Laura had helped with taking things at the door so the others could run down the stairs again to get more. The heavier stuff they had carried with two people at a time, watching their backs so they didn’t end up collapsing in the middle of moving stuff upstairs. 

The only one who hadn’t really helped was Matteo. He had cited that he really wasn’t about that life, and that he had done this once before when their old flatmate Mia moved out a few years ago and he, Hans, and Linn had to move to this place instead. Laura made him promise he would make them food in a few hours, so he had grudgingly complied with getting groceries and hadn’t come back yet.

Leonie had already decided on the positions she wanted her bed, dresser, bookshelf and desk to be in, so it was just a matter of repositioning the other boxes and moving the furniture to its respective place. As Essam and Leonie were arguing over the best way to roll out a rug, Mohammed announced that he would be meeting up with Amira for a late lunch date. They said their goodbyes and as he made his way to the door, Mohammed could be heard apologizing profusely to Linn and Laura for not being able to stay, only to be reassured that he just needed to bring some homemade kunafa to make up for it next time. 

A few minutes after the door had clicked shut behind him, someone entered the flat and kicked off their shoes rather violently. 

“Hello?”

Matteo’s voice rang through the flat. Linn answered that she and Laura were in the bathroom, hanging up the new towel rack they had decided to purchase as a housewarming gift for Leonie.

David decided that this was his chance to get out of any more decorating disasters, as he was sure his artistic expertise would be demanded and then promptly dismissed by the assembled group. He had helped Essam redo their room about two months ago, and it had not gone down well. 

“I’ll see if Matteo needs any help in the kitchen.” he announced to the group.

“Sure you will. Have fun with looo–”

“Leonie, I swear…”

Sara perked up at this. 

“What was that? What is it? I want to know! Why are you laughing, Leonie?”

“I was just going to say have fun with loading stuff into the fridge, what did you think?”

“Sure you were,” David pursed his lips and nodded at her. You give someone a bone and they run away with the whole skeleton.

“Anyway, who’s going to help me sort all these books into the shelf?” Essam suddenly asked. They were sat next to one of the book boxes, picking them up one by one and exploring their covers. 

“Ey, Leonie, you only have depressing books, don’t you? What is _My lesbian experience with loneliness_ about, you reckon? Ooh, it even has naked people in it!”

They snickered. David silently thanked them for this wonderful intervention, and slipped out the door while Leonie told them how it was such an impactful book and that they really needed to arrange her stuff in alphabetical order.

He passed the open bathroom door on his search for the kitchen, and saw Linn and Laura making out against the sink – nothing he hadn’t seen before.

“Hey, uh, Leonie really needs help with putting stuff back into her closet.”

They broke apart, and both he and Laura let out a huff at his unintentional pun.

“So, maybe, if you’re done with that towel rack...?” David continued, letting the end slide into a question more than a statement, because it was obvious they had been busy with _something_.

“Sure,” Linn said quietly, tucking away a strand of green hair behind her ear, as Laura wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand and just nodded, a bit of a guilty, but also amused look in her eyes.

“Okay, well, see you later. Gonna help Matteo in the kitchen.”

He hurried further down the hall before Laura had the chance to comment. 

The kitchen turned out to be quite easy to find, and as David entered, Matteo was still taking stuff out of tote bags while also typing away on his phone. David glanced over to the counter and saw a bunch of different ingredients, a huge pile of bell peppers especially catching his attention. He took a few steps more into the kitchen and cleared his throat.

“Found any good arranging apps yet?”

Matteo startled and almost dropped the net of onions he was holding, whipping his head to glance over his shoulder. Matteo’s eyes locked with David’s for a second, before he dropped his gaze again and stuffed his phone back into his pocket with an embarrassed look on his face.

“Uh, no?”

“Ah.”  
  
David couldn’t help the teasing tone that slipped into his voice.

“But I was trying to find the recipe I want to make at a website that lets you calculate for how many people,“ Matteo continued with a shrug, putting the onion bag on the counter next to the other food items.

“Linn told me you were a maths student, shouldn’t you be able to, you know, do that yourself?”

“Don’t you know that mathematicians are also really lazy? I’m not doing the actual additions if I have a program that can do it for me.”

Matteo let out a little snicker, biting his lip and shaking his shoulders slowly as he did. David couldn’t help but smile back.

“Alright then,” he hummed, and let his eyes roam over Matteo for just a moment. 

“So, uh, what did your wonderful calculating program say?”

“Wouldn’t you like to find out? No, but, we need just about the amount I bought. You wanna help make this thing?”

“Sure.”

“But first, some music.”

Matteo tapped something on his phone, and suddenly, the sound of Eurodance filled the room. With a groaned _Hans_ , Matteo swiped around and some soft Italian indie music started playing. 

“Okay. So, first, we need some onions. I’ll just do them, we don’t need two people crying here.”

“If you say so, maybe I’ll cry after tasting your cooking,” David teased, making Matteo scoff at him.

“Oh, you just wait. This is my nonna’s speciality, _peperonata_. She made it every time I visited her. It sounds like it has a lot of peppers, and it does, you know.”

He went over to what seemed to be a small mountain of bell peppers, and gestured at them. 

“David, meet bell peppers. Bell peppers, meet your doom.”

“I am honoured to make your acquaintance.”

David made a mock bow in the direction of the peppers. Matteo snickered, the sound of it filling David with something warm.

“So, heh, you just take that colander over there and wash them. Then you cut them roughly into the size of a one euro coin, and put them in this big bowl.” 

He fetched the bowl and the colander and placed them by the sink. With more confidence than he usually exuded in the kitchen, David went over to the table, scooped up a load of bell peppers and went over to wash them. Meanwhile, Matteo started to work on preparing the onions, struggling a bit with the peel of the first one. But when he went to cut it, David realised Matteo knew what he was doing, whereas David really, _really_ didn’t. David decided to give it a shot, and just muddle his way thought his bell peppers.

When he had finished washing and drying all the bell peppers and they were sitting in a bowl, ready to be chopped, Matteo wordlessly handed him a knife and a cutting board. He had gone on to chop the garlic – _wasn’t more than three cloves a bit excessive?_ – and placed a large pot on the hob to heat up before putting in the onions. The silence between them wasn’t weird or awkward. No, helped by the soft music in the background, it was rather peaceful. 

Or rather, it remained peaceful up until David completely misjudged how to set a knife into a bell pepper and sent it flying into the opposite wall. It made a weird thwack sound and rolled away under the table. 

David stood frozen in place, the knife still raised in shock. Matteo was laughing almost silently, like he was trying very hard not to, but the bursts of it shook his whole body.

“Man, that was so bad it was beautiful. I didn’t even know one could do that.”

David shook himself out of his supor and retorted: “Didn’t you see that this was all intentional. It’s all part of the technique.”

“Technique. Sure. Call it what you like, I’d say it’s just pure failure.”

“How dare you insult my methods. I’ll have you know…”

He didn’t get further. They both burst out laughing again, louder this time. David couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so freely. It was wonderful, standing here in the kitchen of Matteo’s flat, surrounded by fresh produce, the unlucky bell pepper still lying somewhere under the table. 

After they’d calmed down somewhat, Matteo turned back to his pan to add the olive oil and David went to fetch the poor thing. It was a bit tricky to get it out from where it lay behind a table leg, but David managed with some minor body contortions and triumphantly held the bell pepper up in the air.

“What should I do with our lost son?”

“Burn him. Kidding, should be fine. Just rinse it in the sink and put it with the others.”

David followed his instructions, and afterwards went to grab the knife again. He was stopped by Matteo, who had now put the onions in the pan, little sizzling sound emitting from them, and was stirring them slightly.

“Yeah, no. I’m not having you near my bell peppers again. You can go sit at the table and be all sophisticated. Drink tea or something.”

David felt a sense of misplaced resentment, but swallowed it down quickly. It just didn’t stroke well with his competitive side to be _that_ shit at something.

“What do you have in your collection?” he managed to say, after fighting off the irritation gnawing in his gut, and went to slump into a chair. 

“Oh, I don’t really know. Linn buys ours, she’s the one who drinks most of it. Or, well, Laura is the one who is always trying to get me to drink anything other than black tea.”

Yeah, that sounded like his sister. She drank mostly coffee at home, but here, it seemed she had developed to be quite the tea drinker. Laura really couldn’t do stuff halfway.

“I’ll take a green tea if you have one.”

“One green tea with vanilla coming up.”

Matteo put on the water kettle, and it soon boiled to life. He took out a black cup from the cupboard, left the pan on the stove, and put in a bit of cold water. He poured in the hot water, steam coming up from the cup, and stirred it around with a spoon. 

“I heard you aren’t supposed to put the tea in boiling water,” he said softly.

He handed the cup to David and went back to his onion stirring. 

“Tea collection is on the table. Green tea should be on top.”

David got his tea, and Matteo started chopping the bell peppers and tomatoes while keeping an eye on his onions, which turned out a bit too brown, but he didn’t pay any mind to it. The conversation flowed easily. Soon, they were telling each other about their favourite dishes and their different kitchen mishaps. Matteo had somehow gotten a pea stuck up his nose as a kid. David had burned Laura’s best pot while cooking an egg. He really should have known his stint at cutting bell peppers would not end well. 

They changed the music, Matteo letting David take the reins, and he ended up choosing the most obscure songs he could find, trying to impress. They got talking about the different songs they had performed during the years with their groups, and of songs they’d like to still perform. All the while, Matteo kept an eye on the food, first adding the bell peppers and after those had turned sufficiently soft, the tomatoes followed. David immediately went over to take care of the cutting board, scrubbing it so it wouldn’t stain, and washed off the knife. He also wiped down the counters, getting rid of any leftover splatters of tomato juice, earning a smile from Matteo, who threw the last spices into the pan.

It all came together nicely, and the others immensely enjoyed their dinner, which was the bell pepper mixture with added fresh turkish bread, when they came in famished from their unpacking. Sara had sat down to the other side of Matteo, and the two of them had gotten into a deep discussion about Sara’s latest acting project. It seemed like they knew each other quite well, but even if David tried to remember if he’d seen them hanging out at some point, he couldn’t really recall it. He should ask about it later.   
  
After dinner, Laura excused herself to go do some work at their own flat, Linn retreated to her own room, exhausted from the commotion, and Essam left for their boxing lessons. Leonie and Sara disappeared back into her room, probably to put some more stuff away. Which left Matteo and David to do the clean up. David did the dishes, as a way of compensating for his complete lack of cooking skills, and Matteo showed him where the things were stored. When all the surfaces were wiped down and the last plate was back in its place, Matteo turned to David.

“This was nice.”

“Yeah, it really was. Uh, we should do this again sometime.”

“Well, uh, maybe, uh, you could give me your number,” Matteo said, letting out a cough, as if startled by his own boldness. David sure was. “So we, uh, can arrange the time?”

“Uh, sure. Yeah, of course, I can do that. Give me your phone.”

Matteo took his phone down from where it lay on the spice rack – David wondered how it had even ended up there – and handed it over. He put his name and number in, and called himself. Now he had Matteo’s number. Somehow, it felt monumental and like nothing at the same time. He had just spent several hours laughing and talking about whatever came into his mind with Matteo, the guy he had slowly developed a crush on ever since he’d seen his amazing performance at the queer a cappella night – maybe a bit prior to that, even. Laura had actually teased him about getting his number after she had talked to Matteo following their performance, but David had felt much too awkward to ask him then. 

“I’ll get going then.”

“Yeah, let me walk you out.”

They passed Leonie’s door, but it was closed, and David really didn’t feel like going in there, not when he still had a couple of minutes to spend with Matteo. He would text her later.

At the door, he turned around. Matteo was leaning on the door frame, a lazy grin on his face. 

“Thank you for the nice evening. I really enjoyed myself.”

“Me too, and thank you for doing the dishes.”

“My pleasure. Well, see you around, then.”

“Yeah, I now have your number, so. Should be easier.”   
  
David chuckled, nodding his head, and, a bit reluctantly, opened the door behind him.

“True. So, uh, see you soon.”

“Bye, David.”

And after a last look at the soft smile on Matteo’s face, David turned around and made his way down the stairs, a giddy spring in his step.

A little while later, David watched the changing scenery from the window of an _S-Bahn_ he had caught from a nearby station. Lucky enough to have found a free seat, he slouched against the backrest, sighing deeply, and let his eyes close. It was only a half an hour ride, but all of his muscles had already been sore from running and going to the gym the day before and were now even more so from carrying all the awfully heavy furniture that standing the whole way home would have ended him. In fact, he genuinely doubted whether he’d actually be able to get out of bed the next day.

David opened his eyes again, looking at nothing in particular, the passing street lights just streaky blurs outside the train’s windows. A buzz in his pocket made him correct his posture a bit while he dug his phone out of his pocket. A wide smile crept on his face immediately as he saw a notification from Matteo. He quickly fumbled the screen lock open, clicking at the message that contained nothing but a pepper emoji.

David snorted, and typed out a quick reply – “that’s a chili” – chewing his lip while he stared at the three dots, waiting for Matteo’s reply. When he received a single shrug emoji, he laughed out loud, earning a few looks from around him, and dug out his ear buds, plugging them into his phone. He pressed _shuffle_ and settled back into leaning heavily on his seat, letting the music envelop him as his thoughts went back to the day he just spent – to the time he spent with Matteo. Despite the fact that David had lost all his elegance and reduced himself into a bumbling buffoon the first few times he’d met Matteo, properly talking and spending time with him had come so naturally and effortlessly that it was like they had known each other for much longer. It was a miracle they hadn’t, honestly, because if David had counted correctly, they shared a _lot_ of friends and acquaintances, and they should have been introduced much sooner. Actually, now that he thought of it, he didn’t remember seeing Matteo, even in passing, more than a few months ago.

The announcement for his stop carried through his music, startling him out of his thoughts, and he made a quick exit as the train came to a halt. The apartment he shared with Laura wasn’t too far away from the train station, which his tired legs were grateful for. Soon enough, he shut their front door behind him, and went to kick off his shoes and place them on the shoe rack.

“Hello?”

David walked further into the flat, peeking into Laura’s room. The ceiling light had been turned off, the rich colours of Laura’s patterned bedspread and above her headboard making the room look cosy and warm in the soft glow of the wall light. Laura turned her head to face David from where she was seated in front of her desk, smiling brightly. She lowered the screen of her laptop so it was half shut, and turned around completely in her swivel chair.

“Did you have fun?”

David returned her smile and nodded his head. He turned his gaze down for a moment, feeling weirdly bashful all of a sudden as Laura’s smile seemed to get even wider.

“I have a project to work on, so you know where to find me if needed,” David stated, twitching his head vaguely towards his own room. Laura nodded, and David turned to get away into his room, a closed-off space where he could be alone and maybe lose himself in his painting for a bit.

“David?”

David stopped, glancing at Laura over his shoulder with a questioning look on his face.

“He seems like a great guy. Matteo, I mean.”

Laura’s teasing grin had melted into a soft smile; her expression was gentle, the sudden sincerity of her voice taking David a bit aback. As his surprise gave away, he nodded. Because _yes_ , Matteo was, in fact, a great guy. Much more so than David had expected. Much, much more so. He swallowed a little thickly, forcing a small smile on his face before turning on his heels and making a short escape into his room, closing the door behind him.

David stood in front of the closed door for a few seconds, his heart pounding away in his chest, before running a hand over his face and letting out a deep sigh. He walked over to his bed and flopped backwards onto it, letting his feet dangle over the edge. He stared at the small bumps on his ceiling for a few seconds, before a giggle bubbled up from his chest. He rubbed the back of his hand over his mouth, biting his thumb nail for a moment, before he let his hand fall back down on his bed with another huff of laughter.

Now that he thought about it, Matteo had been a pretty face he’d occasionally run into a few times before. He had kind of questionable fashion choices and usually seemed like he was constantly some level of tired, but he looked ridiculously good and David appreciated that. However, now, Matteo wasn’t just a pretty face anymore, as David’s curiosity had pushed him into spending time with Matteo. And hell, such a great time they’d had despite the bell pepper disaster – or maybe even thanks to that. He found himself opening up to Matteo very fast, and carefully stored all the bits of information Matteo shared with him, hoping for more like he was a starving baby crow waiting for food. Matteo was goofy and fun, but spoke with such sincerity and consideration. He patiently listened, and then asked questions or provided his own point of view, and even teased David without trouble. Though it seemed like there was always something running through Matteo’s mind, and to know what was going on in there was something David was desperate to learn more.

He was actually developing a serious crush.

The realisation made him feel giddy, but strangely heavy at the same time. Like he wanted to jump right into the feeling, explore it, and seek to get closer and closer to Matteo. On the other hand, the sheer fact of _oh shit, I really like him_ made him want to throw his phone into a lake and take the first bus to wherever. He really didn’t know which way he leaned towards the most, but as much as it overwhelmed him, it was also relieving – but still, scary.

David retrieved his phone out of the pocket of his coat, which he as still wearing, and tapped open his the latest messages, staring at the two messages Matteo had sent him which popped up at the top. A smile involuntary spread out on his face, and he switched the screen back off, letting his hand with the phone drop on his chest, staring up at his ceiling again. 

“A crush, huh?” he mumbled to himself, as he followed the cracks in the white paint.

The words left a strange, tingly feeling on his lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! What did you think? Do David and Matteo have some "electric chemistry going on", to quote Chris Berg? All comments and kudos are dearly appreciated ❤


	4. Pour m’initier à la chaleur humaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! Frohe neues Jahr! Hyvää uutta vuotta!
> 
> As always, the playlist for the fic can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA). 
> 
> Here's a little taste of what's to come:
> 
> _It only hit Matteo when they were brushing their teeth that every single surface suitable for sleeping in the apartment was filled except for his own bed. This realisation should’ve been more awkward and nerve-wracking that it ended up being, as at the same time, the tiredness had settled into his bones like lead. He suddenly realized just how exhausted he actually was after the day, and all he really wanted to do was sprawl out on any horizontal surface and sleep for a year._
> 
> _They finished brushing their teeth and padded their way back into Matteo’s room, now dimly lit only by the lamp on the bedside table. Matteo cleared his throat, trying to keep his voice as quiet as possible._
> 
> _“So, uh, I didn’t realize the whole flat would be packed_

Matteo slowly made his way home after a long shift at his job. He felt a bit torn about the upcoming night: they were having a housewarming party for Leonie, and a lot of people, including his friends, Laura, and some of Leonie’s friends – among them David – were coming. Even though he felt happy to see all of them again, and maybe even more so to talk to David again, work always tired him out and he didn’t think he was going to be at his best later that night. 

His phone had vibrated several times in the last few minutes, and Matteo decided he couldn’t ignore it any longer. There were messages from three chats. The first was a message from Leonie in their new flatshare whatsapp group, which was just called _WG_ : 

_Can’t make it to the party prep, sorry. These cases are killing me, will have to stay some more hours in the library :(_

Linn had replied with a frog emoji. He wasn’t really sure what she meant by that, but he just sent a gif of a kid giving a thumbs up from behind an old school computer. This was how they communicated, mostly.

The second chat was from _Hans is a mother hen_.

 _My dear Linn and Matteo, Santtu and I will grace your doorstep in about ten minutes. Mia, my darling, you_ will _come tonight, no excuses._

The responses varied from nothing (Santeri), a cat emoji (Linn), to an _alright_ with a bland smile emoji (Mia). Matteo decided to send the gif of a kitten that had a wagging christmas tree instead of a tail, hoping that it was party appropriate. 

Hans answered with a raised eyebrow emoji and an _it’s November, bit early for christmas, don’t you think?_ which Matteo replied to with a dog on a surfboard wearing sunglasses. 

As he exited the conversation, he noticed that his mom had also sent him a message.

 _I am currently sorting through the Christmas decorations and found this little angel you made as a child. It has green hair, do you remember?_ _  
_ _Would you like to come to church before dinner?_

_Lots of love_

He swallowed. Church would maybe be too much, as he still felt conflicted about religion and everything linked to it, but they had talked about the Christmas dinner, exchanging texts every few days. The thought filled Matteo with warmth: just him and his mother eating an easy to make pasta dish in the candle light, later singing carols, a small Christmas tree decorated with trinkets and twinkling lights shining in the corner of the living room; enjoying a couple of peaceful days together surrounded by greens and reds and yellows.

_I don’t. But I’m sure it looks awful :)_

_Could we just do dinner?_

_Lots of love_

With a half-smile, he pocketed his phone and continued his walk home, quickening his pace a little bit so it was now about normal walking speed. When he opened the door to their flat, he could already hear talking, which meant that Hans and Santeri had already arrived. He went to his room first, to change out of his work attire – he didn’t want the entire apartment to smell like greasy pizza – and then made his way to the living room. Hans and Linn were currently hanging up colorful fairy lights, and Santeri had his hands around their couch table, about to lift it up. 

“Matteo! You came just in time! Be a darling and help my Santtu carry this table thing into Linn’s room, will you?”

Matteo walked over to Santeri, greeting him with a handshake, and together, they lifted the small thing and maneuvered it around the corners of their flatshare. On their way back, they checked for tripping hazards and decided to remove the little throw rug in the hallway, rolling it up and storing it behind Matteo’s door. A few years ago, Abdi had stumbled over a carpet and fallen so badly he had broken his nose and had to be taken to the emergency room to be patched up. He was mostly shocked about breaking his favourite pair of glasses, but none of them wanted a repeat of the accident.

After drunk-proofing the rest of the flat, Matteo and Santeri headed to the kitchen where Linn and Hans were stocking the fridge with beers.

“No, we’re not putting the vodka in the freezer, Hans.”

“Why not? It can’t really freeze, can it?”

“Well, remember that time you wanted to put in those beer bottles for just a few minutes? We had beer foam in our freezer for months,” Matteo butted in.

“Yeah, yeah, as if you never did anything wrong, Mr. _I didn’t know potatoes grew roots in the dark_.”

“I didn’t know they did it that quickly, okay?”

Linn let out an exasperated sigh. 

“No one is putting any beverages in the freezer, and we now have a flatshare rule that we’re only allowed to buy as many potatoes as we can eat in one go.”

Santeri clapped and snickered, an impressed look on his face. Hans and Matteo rolled their eyes at each other, but then smiled at Linn. No one liked to upset Linn, she was such a gentle soul, and together with Hans, she was the glue that held the flatshare together even after they had mostly gone their separate ways.

Their little quarrel was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. It could only really be Laura, who had promised to bring over some snacks before the party started, so Linn went to get the door and greeted her girlfriend with a kiss that could be heard from the kitchen. Matteo stuck his tongue out in mock disgust, and Hans winked at him.

“Ah, young love.”

“You’re, like, three years older.”

“Doesn’t matter, it’s still young love! Santtu, dear, didn’t you have some work emails to write? I need to help Matteo with his outfit choice.”

He sent a meaningful look Matteo’s way. Outfit? Weren’t his current jeans enough?

“No problem. Need to do that, yeah.” Santeri said from where he was sitting at the table. “Will leave you two to it, then, I’m not really that great at fashion advice.” 

He smirked at Matteo and then got his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it and typing away.

A few minutes later found Matteo and Hans standing in front of the dresser in his room. Hans was perusing his meagre selection of sweaters and shirts with a thoughtful frown on his face. He pulled out a few shirts and stared at them for a couple of seconds before he tossed them back and turned around to face Matteo, cocking his head sideways, a soft look in his eyes.

“Shirts aside, your outfit malfunction can wait. How have _you_ been the last few weeks?”

“Ah. So you just wanted an excuse to talk. I’ve been doing alright, I think.”

Matteo shrugged, a small, satisfied grin on his lips while he spoke. Hans returned it with a bright smile and hummed. 

“Oh, that’s nice to hear. You know, I would message you more often if I’d get anything back that was more than a novelty GIF.”

Matteo trained his eyes on the floor. Yeah, answering was still a problem sometimes. Although, he’d been able to keep a steady stream of texts with David in the last two weeks. Sure, they had sent each other articles and pictures – David somehow had an obsession with crocheted stuff – and Matteo had educated David in the art of memes. But they’d also talked about little things in their lives: David liked to send him pictures of light hitting different objects, whereas Matteo had sent him some of different rubbish bins, like this one bin that had looked like there was a hybrid umbrella-kraken sticking out of it. David wanted to know how his day had been, Matteo sent a text to ask if David was finished with the essay he was supposed to write. Their conversation had ensured David wasn't just a mysterious singing god clad in dark clothes. No, he was a goofy arts and music student who liked to share pictures of crocheted manatees.

Hans had noticed that Matteo was lost in his thoughts, cleared his throat and added in a gentle tone: “Which is completely fine. I like your GIFs, and it’s a nice response to get.”

Matteo nodded, relieved. He did make a mental note to put in some more effort, though. At least once in a while.

“Uh, Hans. There is actually something new that happened.”

“Really? Oh, how nice! I mean, if it’s nice. What is it?”

“I, uh, I met this guy–”

Hans took in a breath like he was about to say something, an excited glint in his eyes, but he just breathed out again and gestured for Matteo to continue. He and Hans had really learned how the other worked, especially before and during Matteo’s days at the clinic. They were like brothers now, on an even level. Hans also shared much more with him than he had done before – he told him about his struggles with his PhD or how his parents still had their problems with Santeri, now having to accept that their son would never come home with a nice girl. 

Matteo swallowed, buying a bit more time.

“So, anyway, I’ve been talking to him for a bit now. He’s really nice, and funny, and warm.”

“That’s wonderful! How did you meet?”

“I, uh, I kind of noticed him around since I came back from, you know, and he knows some of my friends through uni and stuff. We’ve seen each other at events and stuff, like, he’s part of the queer group at uni, I think? He’s also into a cappella.” 

Matteo scratched his neck, feeling a bit exposed. A few years prior, Hans would have pulled him into a hug or patted his arm in encouragement, but fortunately, he had learned to read Matteo, and knew that it was better not to touch Matteo in moments like these, where he was slightly overwhelmed by his own thoughts. Instead, Hans went to sit on the bed, beckoning Matteo to sit down next to him. 

“Happy coincidences! So, would you like for it to become more than just talking, or?”

Drawing up his knees, Matteo first rested his nose on his left knee and then his chin, repeating the motion three times with his eyes closed, just feeling the fabring run over his skin. 

“I mean, if he wants to… I think I would be ready to try? I just, maybe, should tell him about…”

“My dear, you don’t have to tell him anything you’re not ready for. There is no rush, is there? If the guy is really interested, he will know that you are well worth the wait.”

Hans winked at him, an encouraging smile on his lips. Matteo breathed out deeply, returning the smile with a smaller one. He still felt like a burden sometimes, but Hans always had a way to talk sense into him – to make him feel like things were alright. Like it would all work out in the end, and that he could do things on his own terms.

“Now, is this guy coming to the party?”

“Yeah, at least he told me he is.”

“Now tell me, my butterfly, who I love with all my heart, how in god's name are you going to impress that man wearing these loose-ass jeans and a three-day-old shirt?”

Matteo groaned, rolling his eyes at Hans and replied: “With my natural charm and wit?”

“Even those will not do against ghastly body odour. I suggest some tighter pants, and a patterned shirt, maybe?”

Hans took out a black one with some golden flowers and swirls as well as the black skinny jeans he had made Matteo buy on one of their thrift shop trips – _they’re vintage Levi’s for ten euros, Matteo, why would you even hesitate?_ – which actually fit Matteo quite snugly. He liked to use his clothes like body armour: they were excellent to hide in and gave him something close to a hug when he needed it. That’s why he only bought soft, mostly natural fabrics and wore neutral tones. 

“Can I wear the blue sweater with the green and red stripe over it, at least?” 

That evening, Matteo thought the shirt alone would make him feel too exposed. Hans pursed his lips, but nodded.

“Alright. If you wear a belt with the pants.”

“Deal.”

As the evening rolled by, people slowly arrived one by one. Quite soon, the space was roaming with so many people it took Matteo aback a bit when he stepped out of his room again, after fetching his phone he had forgotten there. He locked the door behind him just in case – he was not about to have anyone get in and mess up the recently tidied up place he had worked hard on keeping clean. It was one of the things he had learned after he had changed from the day clinic to regular therapy: an organised room helped to “organise your head” – like he called it – as well, which made it easier to deal with the now more irregular relapses with his depression. He was much better nowadays, thanks to all the help he had gotten over the course of the past year, but it still did happen sometimes, the wave of sadness and numb nothingness encapsulating him. But it was normal, he remembered being told, that things like these took their time to get better. And he really was so much better than he had been before.

The guys regularly talked about how Matteo should join their little “commune” and move in with them, often going on and on about how amazing it would be, all the “brothers” living under the same roof. The picture of this particular fantasy seemed like a weird fever dream to Matteo. Quite frankly, as much as he loved his friends and liked spending time with them, he had seen how they lived and in what state their flat constantly was, and the answer had been, and would always remain to be, “ _fuck no_.” He valued his newly found – somewhat shaky, but present nonetheless – mental stability too much; he could always find a pizza carton hidden in some crook of the boys’ disaster of a flat to whack Carlos in the head with when he tried to suggest him moving in again.

As if they’d heard his thoughts, Jonas and Carlos walked into the living room, carrying a crate with drinks each, Abdi shambling behind them with his phone out and gaze trained on it, talking at a fast pace.

“–they just do that, like, I don’t get it, man. I swear the calibration never works when I try to set things up, which is, you know, super convenient when you’re in a crunch to meet the schedule. But they said we shouldn’t complain about it as most of the companies we’ll work for in the future will have much older devices and I call BULLSHIT on that–”

“Wow, eye-tracking again?” Matteo huffed, bumping fists with Jonas and high-fiving Carlos. “Pretty sure I could use the damn thing only based on your complaining.”

Abdi laughed out, slamming a hand on Matteo’s shoulder.

“You’re so high and mighty, mr. maths teacher.”

“Oh, god, never. If I ever say I’ll major in teaching instead, just assume I’ve gone insane and end my sufferings on the spot.” 

“Can’t do that, dude. I don’t think I could bear without _pasta alla Luigi_ every once in a while.”

Carlos shook his head, and snatched a bottle of beer from the crate, offering it to Matteo. Matteo shook his head in decline, and frowned.

“When was the last time I even made my pasta for you?”  
“Man, it’s been way too long!”   
  
“That’s because you were banned from it the last time after trying to spoil the batch with too much salt just for the hell of it,” Jonas reminded Carlos, and picked up a bottle of fanta out of his own crate, flicking the cap of it open with a bottle opener and handing it to Matteo.

“Oh yeah, you dick! You’re never getting the pasta again.”

“Come one, Luigi! Help a starving brother out!” 

“We just ate a _döner_ on the way here.” 

“Help a starving brother out next time, my dude!”

Matteo chucked, taking a sip of the soda he had been given, and shook his head. Abdi had lost the phone, and was waving his hand towards the entrance to the living room, where Matteo saw Sam had just arrived, David behind her. David waved his hand as well, Matteo raising his soda as a short greeting, before Sam dragged David with her towards the kitchen. Mia peeked her head into the living room shortly after, making a beeline to them with Victoria trailing behind her. Both of them hugged them all as a greeting, Victoria leaving little golden specks of glitter behind on all over their clothes, as her cheeks were positively covered in the stuff.

“Hanna sends her regards and apologies. She can’t make it,” Mia announced with an apologetic smile. Matteo’s face fell a little.

“She’s not coming?”  
  
“She got up at, like, two in the morning last night and worked for 12 hours straight, which is quite intense… Also she hasn’t seen the “Just A Friend” guy for a while so they had planned on Netflix and chill and all, so.”

Matteo snorted at Victoria’s air quotes, and hummed in understanding. Hanna’s job as a midwife had turned her sleeping schedule into something very few could handle, leaving her working at weird hours and odd lengths, sleeping whenever she could. On top of that, she had met a new guy some time ago. Despite the fact she had said they were only friends and that it was nothing serious, they’d been hanging out constantly – Matteo had also happened to run into them in the city center while they were pretty much _eating_ each others’ faces off, so that was another little hint of what was going on between them.

“Can’t be helped, I guess. You came, though. Can’t remember the last time I saw you,” Matteo reached out and poked his finger into Mia’s shoulder. She let out a laugh, shrugging.

“I know, right? My thesis is eating me alive. But I promised Hans.”

“What about me, darling?”

Hans appeared next to them, wrapping himself around Mia from behind her. 

“Sorry, boys, but I absolutely need to steal Mia for a moment. Santtu is dying to meet you!”

“We have already met, haven’t we?” 

“Seeing each other for three seconds in passing two months ago doesn’t really cut it for ‘meeting someone’, hmm?”

Matteo swallowed down a laugh, somewhat managing by taking another sip from his soda. Seeing each other in passing for three seconds but not really meeting sounded awfully familiar with a certain guy. Mia was dragged away with giggles, Victoria trailing behind them, leaving Matteo and the guys behind. 

When someone turned up the music, the party finally went into a full blast. In no time, people were dancing in the middle of the living room – getting rid of the table had really been the right thing to do –, drinks were flowing, and people were having a great time. Matteo had been swiped away from the squad by Leonie, who had dragged him over to talk with David and Amira for a moment. They were in the middle of a discussion about their love for music and singing – which Matteo could relate to – and how difficult it was to combine law studies with having and active hobby – to which Matteo and David couldn’t relate, but neither could Leonie.

Matteo got into a short discussion with just David as well, when Leonie dragged Amira away, noting all over again how easy it was to talk with him. David was outgoing and came up with new things to discuss with seemingly no effort, which was more than okay with Matteo: he found it a bit difficult to come up with any topics at all most of the time, so it was a relief someone was able to lead the conversation. The more they talked, though, the more he realised that it was very easy to keep the conversation going with him. He wanted to know more about David, and it really felt like David wanted to know him better as well, judging from all the questions he asked and how focused he was when Matteo answered, giving him time and space to gather his thoughts. It was weird, getting someone’s undivided attention so freely, but Matteo found himself being oddly pleased about it.

Sadly, just as they were getting into more deeper topics, Carlos popped next to him, giving his excuses to David and pulling Matteo with him to the bathroom. Matteo had never thought about hurting a man, but this time his nerves were seriously tested. Carlos pushed him into the bathroom, where all the other guys were sitting in a bathtub.

“This better be good,” he huffed, accepting the beer bottle and opener that Abdi handing to him from the tub. He uncapped it, took a sip, and grimaced immediately. He hadn’t consumed any alcohol during his time at the clinic, and in the past months he’d only drunk a bit here and there, as a small amount didn’t do any harm. However, the time without any had left him very picky with the things he actually chose to drink.

“Yuck, what is this? Goat piss?”

“Bro!”

“Dude, ew.”

Matteo snickered at the protests, handing the beer back to Abdi, who now had two bottles in his hands, and climbed to sit in the tub as well. Carlos climbed in next to him, dropping his head on Matteo’s shoulder immediately.

“‘s good that I got you here, these two just don’t understand. ‘m sorry I interrupted your talk with hot dude,” Carlos slurred and sighed deeply. Matteo sputtered at the notion, but before he could say anything and wipe away the shit-eating grin that had appeared on Jonas’ face, Carlos continued:

“I saw the cutest guy while I was workin’, but he’s a customer, so I don’t know. What do you think? These two straights know nothing.”

Matteo rolled his eyes. So it was this time of the evening, again. Ever since Carlos had realised he was pansexual, and come out to them, they had to endure him rambling about hottest customers he had met at work, but he got four times worse when he was drunk enough. Matteo opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted again.

“He was _so cute_ , you know? Like, so cute. But Jonas said I should forget it because it’s a customer. Can you believe it? Bros should support you–”

“I’m not supporting shitty decisions,” Jonas interrupted, Abdi cracking up next to him.

“How long has he been whining?” Matteo asked, trying to nudge Carlos away from his shoulder, as Carlos was adding more weight on him with every passing minute and his shin was starting to dig painfully into his shoulder.

“I don’t know, man. Half an hour, at least.”  
“I’m so pan, like, I see a cute guy and I’m, like, I’m so _gay_ –”

“Yeah, we know that,” Matteo laughed out this time, shaking his head and pushing Carlos away with more force. “And you remind us every single time you’re plastered.”

Carlos threw his head back, letting out a loud laugh as well, before he gasped, whipping his head back up and sideways, looking at Matteo with wide eyes.

“I forgot, Jonas said you like someone, too! Was it the hot guy you were talking with? He looks familiar.”

Matteo gave a dirty look to Jonas, who now cackled loudly, sliding further into the bathtub. Abdi looked mostly confused.

“What man? Why has no one told me?”

“There is no man,” Matteo sighed, rubbing a hand over the corner of his mouth.

“Dude, there totally is! I saw how you were all puppylike there in the kitchen with him, Luigi. It’s David, the one who sang _Take me to church_ at the queer spirit thing, remember?” Jonas exclaimed in between his cackling. Abdi looked confused at first, then it seemed to click in his head, as his smile turned into a smirk as well.

“Ah, _that_ David.”   
  
“So it was the guy you were talking with!” Carlos had an excited grin on his face as Matteo stumbled out of the tub.

“You know what, I can’t stand you guys stone cold sober. I’m out.”

All three burst out into laughter, talking over each other and protesting loudly, as Matteo left the bathroom, shutting the door behind him with a smile on his face. He almost ran into Leonie, who was standing in front of the door. She smiled sweetly, but there was something in her expression that Matteo couldn’t decipher, and he made his way back into the living room.

Some time later a song about not killing a vibe played in the background; Sam and Kiki were singing along as if they were standing on stage, hand movements and all, and Sara pretended to be a fawning fan. The guys were raiding the kitchen for snacks, and Matteo found himself on the couch, his head tipped back against the wall, the noises and busy movements slowly getting to him. He got up and made his way to the hallway to escape the onslaught and was met by Hans and Santeri, who were putting on their jackets.

Hans looked at the way Matteo slumped against the wall and gave him a warm, sympathetic smile. 

“It’s been a long night, huh? Maybe talk to Linn about slowly winding down?”

“Mhm… Should, yeah.”

Santeri held out his hand. 

“So, Matteo. It was nice to see you again. Take care.”

Matteo shook it, just a tiny bit amused at the somewhat stiff gesture. Then again, coming from Santeri, it was oddly fitting to his nature. 

“Always nice to see you guys, too.”

He turned to Hans and let himself be enveloped in a soft hug.

“If there’s anything, boy troubles, essay writing problems, some desire to talk to good old Hans, you know where to find me, right? Maybe we can make our own GIF-code,” Hans suggested as they parted, winking at him.

Matteo huffed out a laugh and Hans blew him a kiss. 

“Bye, my butterfly! See you soon!”

Then they were out of the door, pulling it closed quickly so the stairwell wouldn’t be filled with noise from the flat for too long. 

As Matteo made his way to the kitchen, where he had last seen Linn, he decided against going to bed like he had initially planned. He wasn’t really that tired – which was quite surprising, taken how early he had gotten up to work – but he needed some fresh air. That way, he would remove himself from the party while the rest of the people could still have fun. 

He found Linn in the kitchen, sitting with Mia and Louis, the loud PhD-student, looking all sophisticated with a glass of red wine in her hand. He waved at all of them, and then asked Linn if he could speak to her for a bit. Nodding and excusing herself, she got up and went to stand with him next to the kitchen door, a questioning look in her eyes.

“I’m going out for a bit.”

“Are you sure? Should I go with you?”

“No, I think it’s fine. I’ll manage.”

“Okay, if there’s anything, message me, yeah? I have my phone with me.”

“Will do.”

He gave Linn a short hug, said good-bye to the other two, and made his way down the hallway. When he passed Linn’s open door he noticed Leonie, David, and Laura sitting on the floor of the room, looking like they were having a very profound conversation. He tripped slightly on thin air, like he sometimes managed to do, and suddenly, three pairs of eyes were watching him. 

“Matteo! Would you like to come sit with us?” Laura exclaimed and smiled at him, motioning at him to come inside. Leonie smirked at him and glanced over to David, who greeted him with a wave.

“I, uh, wanted to go outside, actually. Get a bit of fresh air.”

“Oh. It’s a bit late to go alone, isn’t it? Maybe one of us could join you?” 

She was staring at David, a sweet smile on her lips, as was Leonie, who nudged David’s knee with her foot. 

“David would love to join you, I’m sure,” Leonie chimed in, tilting her head, and earned a quick frown from David, who pushed her foot away. He cleared his throat and turned, meeting Matteo’s eyes.

“Sure, yeah. But only if you want me to.”

That was unexpected. He had thought about getting some alone time, winding down and clearing his head in peace, but then again, David wouldn’t disturb his peace, letting him just walk if he needed to. He was also very easy to talk to and it was fun to spend time with him. It was too tempting of an offer to turn down.

“Okay, why not.”

Leonie smirked at David again, and said good-bye. Patting him on the back as he got up, she reminded him that he needed to take his phone with him, to which he replied with a _yeah mom._ She playfully swatted at him, which he dodged, and then he was standing next to Matteo, swaying for a moment when he clambered to his feet. With his back turned to Leonie and Laura, David had this gleeful look in his eyes, and Matteo wondered just how drunk he was – as there had been a fair amount of drinking going on judging by the amount of beer bottles on the floor that surrounded Leonie and Laura. 

They left the door to the apartment building and slowly started walking down the street. Matteo soon realized that the intoxication was only slight on David’s part – which he appreciated, as he himself was very much sober – and he was even nicer in his slightly inebriated state. Somehow, they picked up right where their last conversation had left off when David complained that his essay on colour theory had messed with him so much that it made him question everything he saw. Matteo laughed at the look of desperation in David’s eyes. In turn, he told David the story of his one professor that still insisted on writing everything by hand and spent his classes filling blackboard after blackboard with formulas and proofs. They theorised how much chalk the professor had used up in all his years of teaching and tried to make a calculation on their assumptions – the amount was so horrendous they laughed for ages. 

Engrossed by their conversation, they had made their way over to the river. There was a chill creeping up from it, making the bank colder than the streets they had passed on their way. Matteo shivered and went through the pockets of his jacket, looking for his gloves. He came up empty handed, as he suddenly realised they were still where he had seen them this morning: on his desk next to his computer. His shoulders sank in disappointment, and he stuffed his hands deeper into his pockets. 

“Cold?” David asked.

“Yeah.”

“If you want, uh,” David looked at his own gloved hands, “I could either give you my gloves or hold your hands for a bit. I mean, only if you want to, of course.”

Matteo stopped walking just to take in what David had just said; the thought of his hands being enveloped in the warmth of David’s hands completely consumed him.

“But, uh, we can’t really keep walking when you do that.”

“What? Oh, yeah, true.” 

David seemed confused for a bit, like he hadn’t really thought Matteo would agree to him holding his hands. They stared at each other for a few seconds, before bursting out into laughter.

“There’s a bench over there, let’s go,” Matteo huffed out between laughs, pointing it out with his right hand that was almost completely hidden in his jacket. 

They made their way to the bench and wiped it down, getting rid of from the dampness that had remained from the rain earlier in the day. After getting the seat mostly dry, they sat down facing each other, knees knocking a bit together in their position. Matteo held his hands out in front of him, trying to keep as much of them covered by his sweaters as he could. Carefully, David put his gloved fingers over Matteo’s, making a little dome in which they could shelter from the cold. Matteo let out a content sigh, the prickling from the cold immediately easing off some.

“So.” 

David broke the silence.

“So,” Matteo replied.

“I feel like we need to talk about deep stuff now.”

“Deep stuff?”

“Like, what our tragic backstory is, or giving away our hidden secrets, or, like, what we wish for the most.”

Matteo thought for a moment, tilting his head to the side and pursing his lips.

“Well, the first one is kind of hard. But I _can_ tell you that my dad is an asshole who fucked off to Italy as soon as he could, and that my mom is really sweet but has some problems of her own. I’ve been living on my own since I was seventeen.”

He went quiet again. David squeezed his hands in sympathy.

“Oh. That’s shit. Well, I guess mine is like the first and the second wrapped into one.”

David waited for a few beats.

“So, I know that you’ve been to a few queer uni events, and, uh, you’ve maybe seen me run around with a blue, white, and pink flag at some point?”

“Can’t really remember, to be honest. But continue.” 

Matteo tried to smile encouragingly, relieved at the small chuckle David let out before the smile on his face fell again.

“So, uh.”

David pulled Matteo’s hands down to his knees and slid his own off them, clasping them together in his lap. 

“I’m trans. And, well, my parents were never outright mad about it, but they’re sort of difficult people in general.”

He took in a breath.

“I moved in with Laura shortly after my eighteenth birthday. My parents were just fed up with us, I guess. They wanted to move into a smaller apartment, and we had to basically pack up our childhoods and leave. We stayed in Hamburg because Laura already had a job and I had gotten into the Bachelor’s programme there. But moving to Berlin really was a breath of fresh air. Ever since the thing with my parents, I’ve always wanted to be sure I am doing what I want. Getting there, and know that I did it myself.”

Matteo hummed. He couldn’t relate, never having lived anywhere else than Berlin, and he liked having other people around, he hated being alone. But he could relate to the whole moving away from your parents thing. David picked up Matteo’s hands, sheltering them from the cold again.

“I always had this desire to be free, you know? After being told what was expected of me, what I was supposed to be, what I should become… I didn’t want to be ruled by anyone any longer.” 

David sighed, absentmindedly running his thumbs over Matteo’s hands.

“So I, uh, I got really good at making decisions myself. Managed to find a new kind of family on the way: my friends and my sister. I also try to meet up with the queer group as much as I can. I just love the openness and the people I’ve met through it. I’ve actually seen Hans there a lot more than you, now that I think of it. Did you only join recently?”

Matteo would have loved to answer this question truthfully, but it was still too scary. A bit too heavy for the moment they had here. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was afraid of, as David had just opened up to him in such a profound way, and was bound to react well to whatever Matteo decided to tell him. Still, he was just not quite ready to talk about _that_ part of himself. Not yet. 

“Something like that. I started going when I was in my first semester, but stopped for a bit.”

“Yeah. It can be a lot,” David replied, brushing Matteo’s palms with his left thumb again. Then, he grinned slyly at Matteo.

“You still haven’t revealed a hidden secret, you know.”

Matteo blinked a few times and shuffled his feet in the gravel beneath the bench. His legs were slowly growing cold.

“Well, um… First of all, thank you for telling me about you.”

He knocked his knee to David’s, a lopsided smile on his lips. 

“With my dad fucking off, and my mom being mentally unwell, I was left on my own suddenly. My friends also kind of became my family, but I don’t know. I mean, I don’t do well with being alone. Even if it’s only someone sitting in a room with me, not even doing anything, just being there, I feel better. I don’t know if that makes me childish, or dumb, but...”

He hung his head a bit and had the urge to pull his fingers from David’s hold. David had really been going on and on about independence, and here he was, telling him about his fear of being alone.

“Hey.”

David touched Matteo’s chin with the tips of his fingers, pulling Matteo’s hands with them in the process.

“There is nothing wrong with that, you know.”

Matteo exhaled deeply and looked up again. David was smiling at him, a soft look in his eyes. 

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered.

“Nothing to thank me for. Whew. That was a lot, huh?”

“Well, it was your idea.”

Matteo couldn’t help the teasing tone to lighten up the mood, and earned a quirk of a brow from David with a small shake of his head. 

“Your fingers are getting cold again, by the way. Can I try something?”

“Sure.”

Matteo shrugged, though he had no idea what it was David wanted to try. But in all honesty, Matteo would happily follow him pretty much anywhere. David stole a glance down at their hands, then brought them up to his lips, and blew into them. A warmth that he had never felt before spread through Matteo. It made his ears glow under his hat and his fingertips tingle, and it was not because of the cold. David looked at him expectantly.

“Feeling warmer?” he asked softly.

“A bit.”

“Hm. Maybe we should get up after all. It’s really getting cold.”

Matteo felt a shiver run through David’s body. He knocked his knee against David’s once more, and extracted his hands from the warmth of his gloved hands. A small frown passed over David’s face, but it was chased away by a satisfied grin.

“Such initiative! Are you okay with having no gloves?”

Matteo nodded.

“Wait,” David said, tugging off his right glove and handing it over, “now we can both have one warm hand.”

David had a slightly goofy grin on his face, making Matteo snicker as he accepted the offered item. The glove was a bit small on him, but that didn’t matter. It was warm, and it was David’s, which automatically made it a wonderful glove. 

They talked about living in shared spaces on their way back, David complaining about Laura trying out different vegetarian spreads every other week and Matteo explaining Hans’ period of running around in a bathrobe for all occasions. They were walking next to each other, their elbows brushing once in a while. It was comfortable, this kind of closeness with David. It almost made Matteo take his left hand out of his pocket and entwine it with David’s right one.

When they came back to the flat, most of the partygoers had already gone home. As they took off their shoes, Matteo spotted Sam, Leonie and Sara disappearing into Leonie’s room accompanied by hushed giggles. They were probably tired too. 

David yawned, and lightly put his hand on Matteo’s arm, which caught his attention.

“Hey, uh, it’s super late. Could I maybe stay over?”

“Sure. I’ll give you a toothbrush. And show you around.”

As they made their way to the bathroom, they saw Abdi and Jonas sprawled out on the pull-out couch. Linn’s door was closed, which meant that she and Laura had already gone to bed. As they passed the kitchen, they saw Carlos sleeping on the floor, his head resting on the cold tiles. That couldn’t be comfortable, so Matteo decided to take off one of his sweaters and prop it under his head. David snickered when Carlos let out a particularly loud snort as Matteo pushed the sweater between his head and the floor. 

It only hit Matteo when they were brushing their teeth that every single surface suitable for sleeping in the apartment was filled except for his own bed. This realisation should’ve been more awkward and nerve-wracking that it ended up being, as at the same time, the tiredness had settled into his bones like lead. He suddenly realized just how exhausted he actually was after the day, and all he really wanted to do was sprawl out on any horizontal surface and sleep for a year.  
  
They finished brushing their teeth and padded their way back into Matteo’s room, now dimly lit only by the lamp on the bedside table. Matteo cleared his throat, trying to keep his voice as quiet as possible.

“So, uh, I didn’t realize the whole flat would be packed... But you can take my bed and I’ll sleep on the floor.”

David turned to look at him with a frown.

“Do you have a mattress?”

“No, but it’s fine, I can sleep wherever.”

“What? No way. It’s fine, we can share the bed.”

David’s nonchalant way of saying it caught Matteo a bit off guard, but most of the time it took from him to recover was due to his tired mind trying to come up with something to respond. It seemed to take a moment too long, as David seemed somewhat panicked all of a sudden.

“I mean, we can totally share, but only if you’re comfortable with it. If not, that’s obviously fine, as well! If that’s the case, I can definitely sleep on the floor, because, like, it’s your bed after all and–”

“David.”

Matteo quickly interrupted, cutting off David’s ramble that seemed to be pouring out million miles an hour, and rubbed his palms over his face. Every fibre of his body was now screaming with the urge to lay down.

“I don’t mind.”

“Oh? You sure?”

“Yeah, I just… I really want to sleep.”

David’s panicked expression turned into something softer – fond, even, but Matteo really couldn’t tell at his current state – and he smiled.

“Okay. Do you– Uh, I mean, could I borrow something to sleep in? I don’t mean to break into your closet, but these are very uncomfortable to wear to bed.”

They both snorted at the unintentional pun as David gestured at his outfit, and Matteo nodded, a weary grin on his face. He went to his wardrobe and dug out a pair of sweats and a simple t-shirt, tossing them to David. He pulled his shirt over his head, shivering as the cool air in the room came in contact with his exposed skin, quickly pulling on another, more comfortable, soft t-shirt, and changed his jeans into a pair of sweats as well. They had a small hole in the knee, but he couldn’t care less about being presentable when he was just about to fall asleep while standing up.

As Matteo turned around, he found David handing the t-shirt back to him and rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish smile on his face.

“I don’t think I’ll need this. It’s kinda warm already and I tend to get even warmer when I sleep, so,” David shrugged and seemed to hurry to add “I mean, if it’s okay.”

Matteo squinted. He had absolutely no objections on sleeping next to a shirtless man, ever, but the room felt freezing to him. In fact, he was on the verge of shivering constantly, even now, fully clothed.

“Who are you?” he ended up mumbling, shaking his head, and took the shirt back, throwing it back into the closet. David chuckled, but didn’t reply.

After Matteo finally found another duvet in one of the upper closets in the room, he crawled into bed. Matteo buried himself into his duvet, still trying to chase away the shivers running up and down his spine due to the cold air in the room, but also for being so beat after the whole day. He saw David grinning at him as he snatched one of the two pillows Matteo had on his bed – one to actually sleeping on, and one to hug occasionally – and flicked off the lamp. Darkness enveloped them, only a narrow shaft of the streetlights creeping in from between the curtains. 

Immediately, Matteo noticed how warm David actually was, lying next to him. David was like a human radiator, and honestly, he didn’t mind at all. In fact, right now he really appreciated it. Unconsciously, he turned and shuffled a little closer, hearing a muffled laugh from beside him.

“Goodnight, Matteo.”

He hummed in reply, already drifting off. He felt a gentle touch of a hand brushing through his hair, but he wasn’t certain if it was real or if he just imagined it, as sleep overtook him and he fell into a peaceful slumber.

Matteo woke up slowly, feeling more comfortable than he had ever felt. He was warm and more rested than he’d been in months. With a deep breath, he moved a little, but the morning sun that was pouring in from between the curtains made him scrunch up his nose and bury his face back into the warmth, seeking the soft surface of the pillow. That’s when he realised that he was actually not resting against his pillow. And not lying on his bed, either. He lifted his head and cracked one eye open, seeing David lying half underneath him, his eyes still closed.

“Good morning.”

David’s voice was still raspy with sleep, and he opened his eyes only to quickly close them again, grumbling: “Ugh, bright.”

It took a while for Matteo to register that he was currently curled up against David, his head on his shoulder and hand thrown over his middle. He must’ve rolled over to leech on the heat David radiated, and continued to plaster himself onto him. To his defence, though, David was very soft and comfortable, and smelled very nice, so it was at least partially his own fault.

“Mornin’... I, uh… Sorry.”

Matteo mumbled, feeling the embarrassment grow and heat up his cheeks, and went to roll away, only to be stopped by a long whine.

“No, you were warm… It’s cold as shit in here,” David whined pulling the duvet all the way over his face. Matteo chuckled at David’s antics, quirking a brow.

“I thought you got too warm when sleeping?” Matteo teased, and reached out to pull the blanket covering David just enough to get his face out from under it.

“I do. But I’m not good with sudden temperature changes, and seeing I slept with a human leech who hogs all the duvets for the night…”

“It’s your own fault for being so comfortable to lie on.”

“What about the duvets?”

Matteo hummed, considering what David had said, and then grabbed the blanket on David, yanking at it with brute force. David yelped loudly as he lost the duvet, and Matteo wrapped it around himself as quickly as possible.

“What about the duvets?” he mimicked back, watching David with the most innocent eyes he could muster. David’s expression was colored with utter betrayal.

“I provide warmth to you the whole night and this is how you pay me?” David groaned, pouting and trying to tug the duvets around Matteo. When tugging did nothing, David shuffled as close as he possibly could to Matteo, digging his toes under Matteo’s wrapped up shins and one arm halfway under his side. Matteo snorted and finally took pity on him, releasing some of the blankets to cover him up again.

They stayed there for some time, mostly in comfortable silence, talking in hushed voices about nothing in particular, and just enjoying the slow morning. At some point, Matteo realised he was starting to get hungry, but he was reluctant to get up from his position and break the bubble they were in. It was cosy, and he felt oddly safe there, laying curled up with David as he had started drawing absentminded circles with his fingers on Matteo’s shoulder. It wasn’t a surprise to Matteo, how pleasant it was, not really. The more they talked and joked around, the more he wanted to spend time with him, to learn more about him, to be with him. 

It wasn’t like fireworks and world suddenly changing from monochrome to coloured, the way he had fallen for David. It was more of something that started as a distant, gentle whisper, and steadily grew until it was a beautiful serenade – like a song he had known for a long time, but never really heard until he took his time to patiently listen.

In the end, David’s stomach let out an impressive grumble, making them both burst into laughter. They broke off, Matteo noting that David seemed to be just as reluctant to let the moment go, and got out of bed. Matteo walked straight to the wardrobe and pulled out a fluffy hoodie, slipping it on to protect him from the cold air.

David appeared next to him and stole a grey sweater of his, complaining about the north pole and freezers as he pulled it on. Matteo smiled softly, making no comment, silently acknowledging how sappy he must’ve seemed just now, but refused to care. They made their way out of the room, tiptoeing towards the kitchen and noticing that Carlos had migrated from the kitchen to the floor of the living room over the night, snoring loudly in his new position. They stifled their laughter, continuing towards the kitchen. Matteo hoped people would still be asleep, so they could remain in their little bubble just a while longer, not having to explain themselves to anyone.

He was never big on luck, and this morning seemed no different as they arrived to the kitchen, finding both Laura and Linn looking up at them and breaking into big grins.

“So, did someone sleep over?” Laura asked, wagging her eyebrows.

“Yeah, well, I was too tired to go home. And I could say the same to you.”

“But Laura is my girlfriend,” Linn piped up. 

No help from her this morning. Matteo let out a small grunt, rubbing at his eyes. 

“You two were getting very cozy in there, huh?”

“How would you even know that?” David countered.

“We had to check where you were, didn’t we.”

“God, Laura. Please, just, can you not put your nose into everything.”

Linn let out a hearty laugh. 

“You two are just so cute.”

“I know I’m cute, love. My brother on the other hand…”

Laura stuck out her tongue as David swatted at her arm, and hit him back immediately. Before the thing could turn into a full-blown sibling fight, Matteo decided to intervene.

“So, uh, who wants pancakes? Santeri taught us to make some a while ago, so–”

“Sounds good. Although, please don’t let David near any kitchen appliances. We don’t want to recreate the cheese grater incident.”

“Hmm? What’s the cheese–”

“Laura, no! You are not telling them, or I’ll tell them about the time you took some red socks and–”

“Fuck, if you tell them, I swear–”

Linn knocked on the table and said, her voice slightly raised: “Guys, I know we’re all, like, hungover and tired, and your roast stories would be more than fascinating, but please, just… Let’s make some food and bicker afterwards, okay? You can fight over who gets to do the dishes.”

They put on some pleasant background music – some Icelandic singer Linn had fallen in love with, to Laura’s dismay – and went on to make the batter. Before that, David and Laura had wiped down all surfaces and started collecting the bottles that were standing around, putting them in shopping bags or crates, ready to bring them back to the shop. Seeing David concentratedly performing such a mundane task made something inside Matteo’s stomach unexpectedly do a somersault. He decided to focus on whisking the batter just a tiny bit harder so that the last clumps of flour disappeared.

When the butter was pleasantly sizzling in a crèpe-pan, filling the apartment with a wonderful smell, there was some commotion from the living room. After a few moments, Matteo’s friends were all standing in the kitchen doorway. 

“Pancakes!” Abdi exclaimed.

Jonas looked at David, then at Matteo, quite visibly biting down a smile which earned him a scowl from Matteo.

“Morning, um, we were actually–”

“–on our way to our flat again. We still have that smoothie stuff, remember?” Carlos said, nodding at the two boys for confirmation.

“Yeah, smoothie stuff.” 

Jonas blinked in Matteo’s direction, a little smirk now pulling in the corner of his mouth, like he had difficulties to suppress it any longer.

“So, uh, Luigi, man. See you next week.”

Matteo made way for Linn to stand at the hob. Carlos bumped his fist, already halfway out the door. He pulled a confused Abdi with him. From the hallway, Abdi’s “but I want pancakes too” came through loud and clear, and Carlos could be heard telling him they still had eggs at home and could whip some up to go with their smoothies. Jonas left last, but not before he had pulled him into a hug, whispering a “We’ll leave you alone, so use that time well,” which earned him a whack with the spatula Matteo was still holding. With a little yelp he also made his way out of the door.

With a loud good-bye and a slammed door, the boys left. From then on, the cooking and cleaning went on quite harmoniously. After their first pancakes, David and Laura were finally able to hold a normal conversation with each other; all in all, it turned out to be a very nice meal, filled with comfortable chatting and joking around. 

When all but two pancakes had been demolished, Laura asked: “Why haven’t we done this before? I mean, you two are quite the cooks together. Why shouldn’t David and I benefit from that?”

“We could do this again, if you want. I mean, this was very nice,” Linn stated with a soft smile on her face, and nudged Matteo with her foot under the table, making him nod as well.

“Let’s check our calendars!”

Laura rushed to get their phones from Linn’s room. David also got up to fetch Matteo’s and his phones from Matteo’s room. After comparing their schedules, they decided on having their four-person dinner on the first Friday in December, as Leonie was going on a little trip with her friends and wouldn’t be too mad if they did this without her. Matteo looked up from the planning girls at the table, and smiled at David, who returned the smile with a brilliant one of his own.

“You wanna cook something with bell peppers, for the dinner?”

Matteo had a smug grin on his face as David burst out into bright laughter, throwing his head back for a moment, before swatting Matteo’s arm.

“Fuck you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, there only was one bed! Thank you so much for reading :) What did you think? All comments and kudos are dearly appreciated ❤


	5. Once upon a December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter dives into the deeper end of sad but no story is all fun and cute... But fear not, there is also some fluff and wholesomeness!
> 
> As we get more insight Matteo's mental health story, please be aware that there are themes and descriptions of anxiety, a panic attack and depression in the chapter. If you want to read the chapter but know these themes may be triggering, and you'd like to know to what extent they are pictured in the chapter, you're free to contact us.
> 
> Here's a little snippet of what's to come:
> 
> _He had a few new messages. One from Linn, saying she was out eating with her PhD-friends and Leonie responding she would stay at Sara’s for the night. The second was, somehow, a link from Abdi to a company that made socks with penguin beaks on them – probably hinting at his christmas present. Sneaky bastard._
> 
> _Then, everything seemed to freeze._

The kitchen was filled with the sounds of a sizzling pan, boiling water, and the steady thacks of a knife as relaxed chatter echoed in the space. Linn had picked up some calm jazz music to play in the background while she was cutting up vegetables at the counter, Laura plastered to her back while she herself was having a conversation with Matteo, throwing around so many musical terms Matteo caught only half of them. He hummed and nodded along, glancing at David who was sitting at the table with some peanuts in his hand. David tilted his head to the side, a smile on his face, which Matteo returned, going back to the pan he was currently sautéeing some mushrooms in.

It was nice, the whole thing. They had decided on going to the movies before going to the flatshare to make some dinner. The movie theatre had been rather empty, as it was in the middle of the week and quite early in the day, so there were only a few people in there with them. The movie itself wasn’t too interesting, not to Matteo anyway, but David seemed to enjoy it, so Matteo spent most of the time listening to David’s murmured remarks on the film – most of which flew over Matteo’s head, but it was nice to listen to his hushed voice commenting on the details he picked up on and theories he came up with.

When the movie had been almost over, Laura had gotten bored in her seat and started throwing popcorn at David, which had been rather difficult, as Linn and Matteo were sitting in between the two. In the end, most of the popcorn ended up hitting Matteo’s hair as David sank down lower in his seat, claiming Matteo as his “human shield”. Matteo had gotten his revenge by snatching one of the popcorn pieces stuck to his locks, and thrown it so that it hit Laura squarely in the forehead. Her laughther had been so loud the few people in the movie theatre had turned around and thrown her dirty looks until Linn had pulled her in and let her giggle against her shoulder the rest of the time.

Something hit the back of Matteo’s head and he turned around with a sigh. David had a big grin on his face as he threw another peanut at Matteo, now hitting his shoulder.

“First you use me as a shield and now you attack me with nuts?”

“Tried to get your attention,” David shrugged, smiling even brighter. “It worked, yeah?”

Matteo rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop the smile spreading on his lips as well. 

“What for?”

“Just because. Have you seen the art exhibition at _Hamburger Bahnhof_?”

Matteo snorted, shaking his head, and turned back to his mushrooms, pushing them around some.

“I’m not too much of an artsy guy.”

“Ugh, right. You’re a nerd.”

Matteo scoffed, twirling around again and pointing his spatula at David, a small piece of mushroom stuck to the side of it.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing and yet, _you’re_ the one who fawned over my emulator,” he huffed a laugh, flinging the mushroom at David. He dodged it with a yelp, bursting out laughing.

“It _was_ pretty cool. But my crafty ass really wants to see the exhibition. It’s a metaphor for the Wall and all.”

Matteo hummed, furrowing his brows in thought.

“But I’m bad with metaphors.”

“I could explain them to you, if that’s what you want.”

There was a teasing twinkle in David’s eyes, causing Matteo to snort again, shaking his head. 

“If you promise to treat me to lunch or dinner afterwards, I’ll think about it.”

David flashed a blinding smile at Matteo, making his stomach flip a tiny bit, and he was secretly pleased it was him who had made that brilliant grin grace David’s lips. Linn came up next to him with a full bowl of all sorts of greens, gently touching Matteo’s shoulder and shaking him out of his thoughts.

“Go ahead and sit. I’ll finish.”

Matteo handed over the spatula and went over to the table where Laura had also just planted herself next to David. She dug around in her bag, pulled out a thin folder and tossed the bag back on the floor, spreading the papers on the table.

“Okay. Say, Matteo, which one of these do you prefer?”

She slid two pieces of sheet music in front of him, side by side, and pointed at a few bars on the fourth row. Matteo studied them for a few seconds before pulling his phone out of his pocket and opening up a piano app he had saved on his home screen.

“Professional,” David commented with lifted brows and Matteo lightly kicked his shin, making him chuckle. He tried out both versions, playing the bars out with the app as best as he could, biting down on his lip in concentration.

“They’re both good, though. Who’s singing this part?”

“The blue one? It’s Sara’s. And the one in green is Leonie. Why?”

“Take this one, then. The unison here makes sure Sara’s part won’t drown. Her technique is flawless but she’s always lacked some power behind her higher notes,” Matteo explained while he pointed at the sheet in question, Laura nodding enthusiastically at his suggestions.

“Ah, yeah! That’s what I was thinking as well, actually. Also I think it’s a bit more original, right?”

“That too. It’s nice.”

“Where do you know Sara from, by the way?”

Matteo turned to look at David, who had a confused expression on his face.

“Oh. We, uh, went to the same high school. We also had a small thing some years back, but it didn’t really work out. You might guess why,” Matteo said and rubbed his neck and David snorted, learning on his hands.

“Yeah, I have a hunch.”

“Why’d you ask?”

“Just wondering. You seemed like good friends, but I’ve not really seen you that much around even though I’ve been friends with Leonie from since we moved here a year ago. And, you know, Leonie and Sara come in a package deal.”

“Yeah, I mean. I guess so? We don’t hang out that much, really,” Matteo laughed, shaking his head and sliding the sheets back to Laura. 

Linn glanced over to him from the stove and he looked back with a small smile, casting his gaze down to his hands as he started picking at a small thread that was sticking out from his cuff. It wasn’t exactly a lie, as he really didn’t hang out with Sara all that much. But having the whole ‘I have clinical depression and am still not okay but only have to see my therapist once a week now and am able to study again’ conversation wasn’t something he wanted to tackle right now. Not with the sun shining and pouring into the kitchen so brightly. Not with everyone laughing and having a good time. Not with the beautiful smell of whatever Korean dish Linn had said she would make filling the kitchen.

They continued chatting about the upcoming a cappella evenings after the Christmas break which Marie had announced she’d hold after recovering from that week long cold of hers, as well as the arrangement Laura had brought with her to ask for Matteo’s “expert opinion” on it. Matteo had reminded her that he had never actually studied music, which had made her mouth fall open in the most amusing way, sending both Matteo and David into giggles. 

After a short while, Linn announced the food was ready and carried the stir-fry to the table as David jumped up to fetch them some plates and cutlery. The dish tasted amazing, despite the carrots still being a bit on the crunchy side, and Matteo couldn’t help but feel a little proud of Linn’s success. Years ago, she had asked him to teach her to cook, and they had been working on her skills ever since. She had been a disaster in the beginning, but proved to be a devoted student, and after patiently guiding her with some simpler dishes, she started teaching herself and now she was quite a wizard with East Asian foods like korean, japanese, and thai. Personally, Matteo was ready to hurt a man to get some of the _R_ _ouladen_ she made with her mother’s recipe. Maybe he should request them some day soon.

The discussion quickly turned to Christmas. It turned out that Linn was spending it with Hans, whose parents were on Mallorca, and Laura and David had spent theirs together for many years now, watching the stupidest Christmas movies they could find along with some classics like _The Grinch_.

“I’m going to see my mom,” Matteo said, glancing at others. Linn turned to him with a sparkle in her eyes.

  
“Really? That’s fantastic!”

Matteo couldn’t help but smile at her enthusiastic response, and dug his fork back into the glass noodles on his plate. He was overjoyed, actually, that his mother had invited him over. After all the planning they had done over the phone and texts he found himself really missing her. It had been a while since they had seen each other, after all. Christmas would be a perfect time to catch up with her properly as well as just spend time together.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m looking forward to it. It’s been a long while.”

“Oh? How come?”

Laura looked at him expectantly and David also lifted his gaze to him while shoving some more noodles into his mouth. It was kind of endearing, really.

“Ah, well. I, uh… It’s just been a long while.”

“Matteo has spent his Christmas with me, most of the time. My parents have never really been people to embrace the holidays.”

Linn smiled and Matteo nodded, grateful for her help. She was aware of the difficulties Matteo had been through with his parents, and it was one of those topics that was not really fit for a lighthearted table discussion, either.

“Yeah, we haven’t really seen our parents either. Not since they kicked us out, anyway.”

Laura had a hint of resentment in the tone of her voice and David hummed in agreement, while he continued chewing his food.

“It’s nice, though. That you get to spend it with your mom,” he said after a while, smiling gently at Matteo. Matteo returned the smile sheepishly.

“It really, really is, yeah.”

At their rehearsal later that evening, after the usual warm-up exercises, Matteo made sure the group quickly moved on and dived into the actual practice. They had three songs to go through today, as the practice before they had been stuck on that one Taylor Swift song Kiki had really wanted to sing. The song itself hadn’t been that hard, nothing like some of the more difficult songs they had done, but somehow, they had messed up the very synchronized rhythms every single time. Luckily, this practice, the group seemed to be more in its element, and they were able to get through it with barely any interruptions, Matteo having them start over just two times. He had clapped along at several points, but they had made it through without Kiki bursting into tears, which was a big improvement. To be fair, she had had a very difficult work day – several products for the start-up she ran with two other girls had not come in time for a big event they were working at – so it was nice to see her smile this brightly after finishing the last run through. Sam had groaned at the song choice, but they had all wanted to do something nice for Kiki. 

Next, they went over to one of Hanna’s favourites, _Hello_ , which she had been requesting even before Matteo had temporarily left the group. As it was their first time singing it together, having practiced it on their own and in little sections first, they were only able to lay the groundwork they would build upon until it was a fully formed piece, ready to be performed. Hanna’s voice wavered at a few lines and Matteo knew this was a song that was bound to be painful for both Jonas and her. So far, they seemed to be doing fine, although they had sent each other some slightly sorrowful looks. Hanna was the one request the song, however, so this could be a cleansing experience for them, and show them how far they’d come since their break-up. Sam was seated in front of the piano, patiently going through the parts with everyone, and kept playing along through the practice of the song – even if it turned out to be difficult due to some always missing things in their own parts as they started listening to the melody from the piano. They ended up doing four full run-throughs, after some rather disorganized attempts where they were allowed to mess things up and just felt around how their own parts fit together with everyone else's parts, and then practice a few of the parts where they kept messing up. After they were tired of the song for the day, they did one last run-through without any piano accompaniment. Matteo was pleased with the results, and despite the obvious need for way more practise he was confident that this would join their permanent repertoire, as long as Hanna and Jonas were fine with it. 

After a short water and bathroom break – during which Matteo actually managed to write down decent notes on the songs they had practised – they continued with _Writing’s on the Wall_ , a song that had been in their repertoire for three years. They were feeling kind of nostalgic, and also wanted to end on a high note. Sadly, there was no a cappella night this week as Marie had gotten a severe cold and there had been no-one to replace her, her café being mostly a one-woman show. Carlos and Sam shared this song, and dramatically sang it to each other. Abdi and Jonas were standing back to back, pulling their clenched fists to their chests, while Kiki and Hanna were waving their hands from side to side. The crescendos reverberating through Matteo’s lungs, and their voices rolled off the walls like an ocean, pushing and pulling back, ending in a soft decrescendo, the music staying for a bit even after they stopped singing, like a retreating wave leaves behind wet sand. 

When they came back to themselves, having closed their eyes at the last bit, they smiled at each other. It amazed Matteo that after all these years, even a simple practice like this could show them how well they worked together. 

It was Sam who dared to break the silence with a few claps.

“Guys, that was amazing! As your supporting arranger, I must say I am very proud of myself, and you, of course.” 

She looked fake-guilty, poking her tongue into her cheek as everyone laughed and started to go over their stuff.

“Wait! You were really great, okay,” she hurriedly said, “and before you go, there’s actually something I’d like to talk to you guys about.”

They all turned around to look at her with confused stares. Matteo watched her as well, letting his brows furrow in question. She hadn’t told him anything before practise, which was a bit unusual, but nothing too out of the ordinary seeing that she had been swimming through her essays recently, so he couldn’t keep it against her.

“Well, today, an acquaintance from my music courses messaged me. Apparently, they know I’m part of an a cappella group and they’re a member of a non-profit organisation who want to do, like, this charity thing and they need groups to perform. It’s, like, a youth mental health organisation.”

At that, Sam, along with everyone else, looked over to him. Matteo just made a hand sign that she could continue, trying not to squirm under everyone’s eyes like he did every time there was talk about mental health. 

“I checked out the organization, and they seem legit. The theme for the event is apparently ‘Your Story’ but wasn’t mandatory to follow if it’s something we don’t want to do. What do you say, guys?”

Again, everyone looked at Matteo, this time waiting for his answer. And yeah, why not take this opportunity? It sounded like a good way to take part in helping an important cause. Besides, Matteo would have given anything for an organisation that could have helped him when he was struggling in secondary school, so he had a sense of duty to provide to someone who needed it as much as he would have.

“Why not? If we can help kids and sing for them and others, that’s great, no?”

The others all agreed immediately, Abdi, who was standing closest, clapped him thoughtfully on the shoulder. 

“Alright bro, if you’re up for it, we are!” he announced and in his excitement his pilot glasses almost slid off his nose. 

“But please no weird glasses this time?”

“The kids will love it, okay? I am a fashion _icon_.”

“If you’re a fashion icon I am a fashion _model_ ,” Carlos said, striking a ridiculous pose.

Kiki rolled her eyes.

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“It does, because, like, I would actually be dressed by designers, while he would just be like this person that went viral once and that everyone forgets again after a month.”

“Guys, just face it: none of you are fashion icons,” Jonas countered, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Who are you to judge, mr. hipster?” Carlos said, promptly going to steal the small woolly hat Jonas was wearing.

Sam announced that they were all doomed and that she obviously had the best taste of them all, which no-one disagreed with as it was objectively true, and continued that everyone should try and think of a possible song so they could start working on it as soon as possible. 

During the commotion, Matteo had listened with half an ear and slowly put away his sheet music into his backpack, actually using the designated folder Sam had got him as a present when he joined the group again after being absent during his treatment – it was blue and had lots of happy cartoon kittens on it, and even if it had been intended as a gag gift, he kind of enjoyed them. 

As Carlos was now suggesting they should all go on a shared shopping trip and Matteo really wasn’t interested in going into any store other than his beloved second hand shop, he sat down on the podium and got out his phone to pass the time. 

He had a few new messages. One from Linn, saying she was out eating with her PhD-friends and Leonie responding she would stay at Sara’s for the night. The second was, somehow, a link from Abdi to a company that made socks with penguin beaks on them – probably hinting at his christmas present. Sneaky bastard. 

Then, everything seemed to freeze. 

The next message he had gotten was from his mom. At first, the words didn’t really get through him. Surely, this was a mistake. He re-read it, this time actually focusing on what she wrote.

_My dear son, I have been feeling unwell for the last week, and I fear I am going to feel much worse over the coming ones. That means I won’t be able to have you over for Christmas this year. I feel terrible for having to postpone this yet another time. But know that I will always love you with all my heart. I am sending you my warmest love._

Under it was a second message. A damned bible quote, again. 

_Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. I will light a candle for you and think of you every day until I am well enough to see you again._

Matteo let his phone drop into his lap and pressed the nails of his thumbs into his pointer fingers that were curled around them. He clenched his eyes shut, blacking everything out, willing himself to breathe evenly, flaring out his nostrils. When he opened his eyes again, he vaguely registered that both Jonas and Hanna had their eyes trained on him, trying to gauge what was going on. He turned his back on them, shrugged on his jacket, and pulled his beanie halfway onto his head. After pressing out another breath that was supposed to help him keep his composure, he slung on one strap of his backpack and went straight to the door, foregoing any goodbyes.

When he let the door to the studio fall shut behind him, he almost bumped into Amira, who looked a bit haggard, her jacket and hijab billowing in the wind. 

She greeted him with a big smile and told him that she was doing something with the girls, but it honestly didn’t register with Matteo. He just stared at the ground, the wind gripping at his unzipped jacket, and it felt like it was pulling at his soul – which seemed paper thin, as if it was hanging on by a single thread. Tears were welling up, threatening to fall, and he focused on the dance of the trees in the park opposite, their branches wavering every time the gusts of air went through them. He almost started to shake along with their rhythm.

A snap from Amira’s fingers brought him back to himself. 

“Matteo? I’m going inside now. Please get home safe,” Amira said, and Matteo somehow managed to notice the concern in her eyes despite the gentle smile that still played on her lips.

He just nodded in response, not trusting his voice to actually get out any words. Amira gave him a wave, and carefully brushed past him. 

Matteo’s mood hadn’t improved overnight. All of his night before had been spent lying in bed, only getting up to have a few bites of leftovers and go to the bathroom. He had kept his routine of brushing his teeth, though, hoping it would make waking up the day after less painful. He had also sent off messages to Jonas, Amira and Hanna: he told them things had taken a bad turn with his mom and that he wasn’t doing good so he wouldn’t be in contact for a couple of days, but would be okay eventually. Before going to bed, he had texted his therapist and asked for another appointment this week if they had any free slots. They didn’t, but had notified him a few hours prior that they would alert him as soon as they had an opening. 

He had been very close to not going to his lecture, but in the end, he decided that missing it would mess up his routine too much. He had put on some semi-clean clothes and dragged his feet all the way to the lecture hall, drowning out the outside world with his headphones. There weren’t that many people in his classes, but the faculty still insisted on using one of their larger spaces for this lecture, as it was one of the key courses in the curriculum. So that meant that thirty-odd students were spread out over the room, which was shaped like an amphitheater. 

When he sat down in the far left upper corner, close to the door in case he wanted to escape, he was forced to take off his headphones as the lecturer was already getting ready to start. She had a very pleasant voice that Matteo loved to listen to on good days, but today it sounded like nails on chalkboard and made him feel even more on edge. She was projecting some kind of formula on the screen and going on and on about the person that had come up with it, which he embraced since that meant he would not miss too much if he didn’t catch everything. Next to him, a guy with a buzzcut was clicking his pen. Matteo tried to tune him out by focusing on the rain that had started pelting against the windows of the lecture hall. That meant he couldn’t follow along with what his lecturer was saying at all. He looked up at the projector screen and noticed that it was on slide 10. Hadn’t they just been going through slide 4? The topic had also changed somewhere along the way, and he was now a bit lost. 

The guy a few seats over had now started tapping his pen between clicks. Somewhere in front of him a girl was typing away at her laptop keyboard like she wanted it to catch fire, the keys making this plastic aborted click sound with every movement she made. When someone started sneezing several times and then loudly blew their nose for what seemed like minutes, Matteo closed his eyes and contemplated going to the toilet and never returning. Someone had switched on the bright lights in the back, right above where he was sitting, because the incessant storm outside had made the room too dark to see what one was writing. The light shone between his closed eyelids, which he tried to combat by scrunching up his face, biting at the inside of his lip, the clicking still in his ear, the sneezing, the tapping, the nose-blowing, the talk from the lecturer, the whizzing from the beamer, the pelting rain – stop. 

Deep breath. 

Slowly, he opened his eyes. The light was blinding. Was it really worth it to stay or should he just leave? He had tried, he really had. He had taken the bus here and gotten into his seat. Even his laptop lay in front of him. Closed, but still. 

It was no use. He needed to go home. Get himself some leftovers. Make some tea. Drink the tea. Sit down on the couch and listen to some calming music. Maybe call someone, like David?

David. They had agreed to go to the Christmas market together later today as neither of them had presents. Fuck.

Matteo went through the motions: pack away the laptop, ignore the sounds, quietly leave the lecture hall, ignore the professor’s concerned stare, put on his headphones, walk, avoid students in the hallways, walk, find the bus stop, ignore the lady with her loud dog on the bus, get out, and _walk_. When he finally made it home, he had to force himself not to throw his backpack into a corner and crawl under the sheets. 

When he was sitting on the couch, drinking his tea, his legs pulled up to his chin, he thought about David and the Christmas market again. Going out, facing so many people, the noises, the smells, the lights, it would all be too much. If he had told David when they had their deep conversation a few weeks ago, there would have been no problem now.

But he hadn’t. He couldn’t. So he wouldn’t. He also couldn’t leave David hanging, though, not like that. 

He leaned his legs against the couch’s armrest and managed to extract his phone from his front pocket. Without giving it too much thought – that would have made him feel guilty, feel even more cowardly than he already felt after slinking out of his lecture – he sent David a text.

_Sorry, something came up. Can’t make it. Talk to you soon._

He wondered if it came out rude with no emojis. No peppers. But he couldn’t deal with this right now.

The thing was that logically, he had no reason to be mad. Disappointed, sure, and hurt, even. But after the thoughts of not getting the Christmas he had been planning and hoping for had sat with him for some time, the hurt from it cooking, he was suddenly hit by a spurt of pure anger. He was angry that he was ditched by his mother _again_. He was angry how sad it made him that she wasn’t well enough to meet him for Christmas. He was angry that he was so goddamn angry.

And then the anger disappeared as fast as it had hit him, and was replaced with a huge weight on his chest. Way heavier than it had been the whole time after the text. It made it hard to breathe. Anxiety was nothing new to him, either, he had dealt with it throughout his teenage years and well after that. The “dealing with it” meant unhealthily self-medicating with so much weed it was a miracle leaving it altogether hadn’t been a more difficult process that it was, but it made it no less real, the sharp contrast between feeling sad or nothing and the way the world and life were just so overwhelming sometimes made him gasp for air and press the headphones to his ears so hard it left marks on his skin. 

However, now that he didn’t have the weed to numb his prickly skin and the fire in his gut, to help him breathe a little easier, it was always more difficult to overcome it – especially now that it had been such a long time since he was so overtaken by an emotional storm that it manifested as something like this. He put down his mug of tea on the coffee table and tried to remember some of the breathing techniques he had read up online some years ago – _was it breathe in for 5 and out for 8? or 5 and 5? god it was difficult to get air in_ – as he jumped up from the couch and started pacing around the living room.

The flat was completely silent, if you didn’t count the sound of his steps, as both Leonie and Linn were out somewhere, which he was very grateful for right now. He continued pacing back and forth for a bit, trying to shake away the tremble of his hands, and rubbed his palms over his face, struggling to take a deep breath that was only half successful.

He kept on pacing around, his eyes searching for something – _anything_ – that might help. That’s when he remembered the keyboard that they had dragged up from the basement to Linn’s room the day before. The main reason they had dragged it up in the first place was so that Matteo could play a little before spending Christmas with his mom. He had gotten it from his mother just weeks after he had moved out, delivered to their flat as a housewarming gift to “help him keep up with practising”. It wasn’t the best keyboard, but good enough that Matteo knew it couldn’t have been very cheap, and was fine to help him keep up his playing skills. Truthfully, it had mostly been a guilty reminder of his neglect, as he hadn’t used it once. He had tossed it into their small storage unit where it barely fit in and never looked back. The memories that playing piano held for him were too much for him to handle back when he got it, so he had decided to keep it out of sight, and used only whatever keyboard he happened to come by when making his arrangements.

He never forgot the keyboard, though, and when they had to move into a smaller apartment he had dragged it with them with no complaints from Linn and Hans, much to his surprise. But he knew they were familiar with him and his story as a whole – they had learned it all over the years and some details he left out they had figured out or just never asked – so he appreciated them greatly for not questioning his decision of taking it with him. If they had, he would probably have sold it then, which he would have regretted a lot now that time had mended some wounds and soothed the pain.

The keyboard hadn’t fit into Matteo’s room, so Linn had kindly offered to take it in hers, as she always kept her door open, or at least unlocked, anyway. Matteo knew his mother loved playing together and she had even texted some suggestions of the songs they could try out, so he had been determined awaken some of his old talent so he wouldn’t be awfully rusty when he’d go over on Christmas and played with her. So much for that now, though, as they wouldn’t be having the dinner they had planned. 

Thinking back, playing piano had always calmed him down. As he had pressed his fingers on black and white keys and the music swirled around him along with his playing, he slowly forgot his worries and troubles, the harmony of the chords filling his heart and mind. He didn’t have anything to lose, right?

Matteo walked into his own room, rummaging through the folder on his desk, finding a worn and old, orange elastic folder that was so full the elastic seemed like it was about to snap. He opened it, flicking through a ton of sheet music for piano that had no particular order – he had simply stuffed all of the sheets into it and thrown it into the pile of other folders, only opening it now, years later, again – until he found the ones he was looking for. He grabbed the few sheets and pulled them out gently, tossing the folder back on his desk and eyeing the papers. The first one had _Once Upon A December_ written on top in cursive. The pages had notes and markings in his own messy although miraculously understandable handwriting in multiple colours, some of them ripped and taped together again. He couldn’t remember the time he had been taught to play the song, but it was one of his mother’s favourites. It was one of his own favourites too – ironically enough, thinking how close to home the lyrics now hit.

He walked back to Linn’s room, spreading the sheets on the stand that was fastened on the keyboard, and sat on the bench in front of it. He clicked the power on and just stared at the instrument for a moment. He tried to remember when was the last time he had played something else than random bars on the sheet, but after some time of thinking, he came up empty handed. Hesitantly, he placed one of his fingers on the keys, and pressed down. The middle C played out bright and clear. Matteo licked his lips, taking a look at the sheets in front of him, and placed both of his hands on the keys, pressing down the first notes. It was almost silly, how hard it hit him immediately, just how much he had missed playing _._ How much he had missed the feeling of being surrounded by the gentle sound of the piano. He let his eyes close for a moment, his anxious heart still pounding in his chest like he was running from something, opening them again and playing out the first few bars.

For a short moment, he felt like he should stop immediately. Pull out the power chord, walk out of the room, rip the sheets, and never look back. He missed a key and grimaced, pausing for a moment just to rub his palms over his eyes. He bit his lip a tad too harsh, shaking his hands to try to get of the trebling again, and placed his hands back on the keyboard, taking a shaky breath.

Then, he just played.

It wasn’t good at all, not on his standards. He messed up way too much for his own liking, had to cut corners to make it easier to play, had to pause at times to take a better look at the notes and to turn the page, and it just wasn’t as smooth as he would have liked. But it wasn’t bad either. 

When he finally forced himself to relax a bit despite the anxiety still churning in his chest, playing seemed to come from his muscle memory. His finger ran over the keys and his feet pressed on the petals; he could even let his eyes slide closed. For a short moment, it seemed like he had never stopped playing these songs he held so close to his heart.

He remembered playing the song before his life had taken a sharp turn. It had been the Christmas some weeks before his father had left him and his mother without a word. He had been sitting in front of the piano, putting his whole heart into playing the song – just to get a smile on his mother’s lips. She had been doing worse for that month, barely managing anything else than dragging herself to work, eating half a sandwich when she got home, and then sleeping through evenings and nights, even on weekends. Most of Christmas she had spent in bed as well, while his father had made a simple and small dinner for them. Not that he thought back on it, it was surprising he had put in any effort at all, but maybe it was his last try to fix things.

Matteo remembered that his mother joined them at dinner and then asked Matteo to play for her. So she had sat on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, as Matteo played her favourites. As he had gotten to _Once Upon a December_ , she had started silently singing along. He remembered her voice back then. It wasn’t her usual bright voice filled with happiness, like it was when she sang with the church choir. No, this one was tired, sad, and silent. So silent he didn’t even notice it at first. 

_Far away, long ago,_

_Glowing dim as an ember,_

_Things my heart used to know,_

_Things it yearns to remember_

She had sounded so broken the thought of it still shattered Matteo’s heart. He remembered his father standing at the entrance of the living room, right next to the piano, completely silent.

_And a song someone sings_

His father had turned and walked away, followed with a slam of their front door.

_Once upon a December._

Matteo violently slammed his hands on the keys of the keyboard. His eyes were a little clouded all of a sudden, nausea creeping up on him, something dark and ugly swirling in his stomach, faster and faster. Not long after, his father had packed his things and left to Italy, never to return. Only a half a year later, Matteo was spending more time at Jonas’ than at home, exhausted of looking after his mother. And only half a year after that, he moved out as well, desperate to get his own space to figure himself out, to focus on himself. They hadn’t spent Christmas together ever since that one and he barely saw his mother for two years, and felt utterly guilty about it even though his mother had tried to convince him that she understood and didn’t blame him.

Now, years later, as they had finally started repairing their relationship, Matteo had been so excited to spend Christmas with her. After so much time had passed, he just wanted to have a nice, happy Christmas with his mother. But depression was a malicious illness and as much as he wanted to be with his mother, logically, he knew that it was more important for her to get some time for herself and get better first.

Matteo was startled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door frame. He turned his head so fast it made his see starts for a fleeting moment, and saw Laura standing in the doorway, a little smile on her face. He hadn’t heard her coming at all, but he knew Linn sometimes lent her keys to Laura if she had forgotten something at their place and they were at Laura’s.

“Hi, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you, I just came to grab some papers I left here.”

Matteo let out a deep sigh and turned back to the keyboard, flicking the power off again.

“‘s fine.”

Laura stayed put, clearing her throat like she wasn’t sure what to say. Matteo decided to busy himself by slowly gathering the sheet music of which a few pages had slid to the floor.

“That was pretty impressive, you know,” she said after a while. Matteo glanced at her as she nodded towards the piano. “Your playing, I mean. It was beautiful. I didn’t know you played.”

Matteo shrugged and picked the last sheet up from the floor. He wasn’t really in the mood for smalltalk, and neither did he want to explain his awfully complicated relationship with pianos to anyone right now. As the anger and anxiety had slowly left him while playing, all he could now feel was this empty kind of exhaustion. When he looked back to Laura again, she had a thoughtful frown on her face. She tilted her head and licked her lips, all the while keeping her gaze fixed on Matteo’s.

“David told me you two were going to the Christmas market today but… Did, um... I mean I don’t want to intrude too much but did–, did something happen?”

Matteo frowned in confusion and Laura seemed to pick up on his expression as she hurriedly added: “I mean, of course you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to! I just– I hope you can work it out? If it was something between you two?”

Oh. It hadn’t crossed Matteo’s mind that it might’ve come across like that. He quickly shook his head, letting his gaze drop back to his lap, to the music sheets he was holding.

“No, uh… No, it’s not– We didn’t fight or anything. I– um, I cancelled, that’s all.”

“Oh.”

Matteo felt Laura’s eyes on himself and squirmed a little under the weight of her gaze. He didn’t really want to be there, but Laura was shuffling her feet and Matteo already knew she had more questions. Questions he didn’t want to answer. 

“So, uh, what hap–?” 

Matteo scowled and Laura snapped her mouth shut instantly, apparently reading into his expression. She took a couple of small steps closer.

“Would you like to talk about it?” 

Laura’s tone had shifted into a gentle and silent one. The kind that you could use with scared children to soothe them. Usually it was something that would irritate him a lot, people talking to him like he was so fragile he might break, but right that moment it struck him in a very different way. It had him swallowing down the tears that tried to make their way up. He stood up, shaking his head.

“My mom had to cancel. The dinner. There’s nothing to really talk about.”

He brushed past Laura, heading to his own room to bury himself under the blankets. He just wanted to hide from the world for a moment. No energy left.

“Matteo.”

He stopped, forcing himself to turn around once more.

“Yeah?”

“I’m so sorry. I know you were looking forward to it.”

Laura’s voice was so sincere it made it a lot harder to keep it together. So he went for a nod, not really trusting his voice anymore. That’s when Laura walked closer, extending her arms a bit towards him.

“Hug?”

And… yeah, that sounded like something he really needed right now. Matteo nodded again, and as Laura walked over to him, pulling him into a tight hug, he screwed his eyes shut for a moment, overtaken by an overwhelming urge to cry all of a sudden. He realized Laura was the kind of warm one wanted to wrap themselves into completely. He felt reluctant to leave it, but forced himself to take a step back and cleared his throat.

“Thanks. I uh–… Do you mind telling David I might be– That I–”

He didn’t really know how to word himself, but Laura nodded anyway, patting his shoulder.

“Sure. But you could talk about it with him later, yeah? It could help to be around with people. To take your mind off of it for a bit.”

And even though Matteo knew himself, knew that he much rather preferred being left alone when things got hard, he also knew his therapist would probably agree with Laura. That isolating himself only made things worse. So he nodded, now feeling tiredness seeping into his bones like he hadn’t slept in year. With a last smile and a pat on the shoulder, Laura turned and walked back into Linn’s room, and Matteo made his way back into his, not bothering to take off any of his clothes as he flopped onto his bed and wrapped himself into his duvet. He dug out his phone to take a look at the screen, and saw that David had replied him almost instantly, after he had cancelled.

_it’s alright, tho it would have been great to see you today. talk to you soon, call me whenever :)_

A small smile passed over his lips, as he switched his phone off and dug deeper into his duvets. They’d talk soon. But right now, he just needed to sleep.

On Friday, Matteo was on a bus to go to a modern art exhibit – which he knew nothing about – as he had promised David at the dinner that he would check it out with him. It was a perfect way to make it up to him for cancelling on the Christmas market outing. Matteo’s overall mood had only slightly improved since his talk with Laura, but he had managed to at least drag his ass to a tutoring session the day after. As their group was split into two because of conflicting schedules, the guy with the ballpoint pen had been absent, to Matteo’s great relief. The only thing that had stayed the same was his abominable sleeping pattern. One night he had barely gotten any sleep in, only falling asleep after the drunk exchange students from the flat two floors above had made their way home at three in the morning. The other day he had gone to bed straight after dinner, just able to brush his teeth and before sinking into his mattress and falling asleep before nine in the evening. He had, however, promised David he would go see this exhibit with him before it ended, seen as none of his other friends were willing to indulge him and he had ditched David without an explanation the other day, he wouldn’t let the tiredness stop him from making it up for him. 

When he got off the bus about ten minutes later, David was already waiting for him. To be fair, Matteo arrived a bit later than expected. It had just cost so much energy to leave the bed he was cuddled up in and he’d missed the bus he had actually wanted to take. David didn’t seem to mind, though, judging from the smile he was greeted with, which made the guilt for the way Matteo had handled canceling the Christmas market thing surge up in his stomach.

“Sorry for bailing the other day. It was just–” Matteo looked down at the worn tips of his shoes, then forced himself to look David in the eyes, “it was a shitty thing to do. I’m really sorry.”

“I was a bit disappointed, sure. But, judging from your text, you were feeling bad, so it’s fine, really. And Laura told me you weren’t doing too good, so, it’s okay.” 

The smile hadn’t left David’s face, it seemed to have turned even warmer. It made Matteo sigh in relief, feeling some of the guilt lifting off of his shoulders. David closed the gap between them and gave him a warm hug, which Matteo indulged in, leaning his head on David’s shoulder for maybe a bit longer than was socially acceptable, grateful for David’s forgiveness.

“So. Here we are. Are you ready to experience some art on the history of Berlin?”

“Sure. Let’s bring on the framed toilet seats, or whatever it was.”

“You’ll see, it’ll be great! I read up on it and everything,” David said excitedly, ignoring Matteo’s sarcastic quip.

“If you say so.”

Matteo relaxed his shoulders. David’s presence made the clouds looming in his mind and darkening his thoughts disappear for a bit. He hoped he would get a few good hours before they drifted back into the forefront.

After they had paid their five euros, they entered the exhibition halls, which were painted in a stark white that was slightly grating. The first room they were in was filled with pieces of paper that had a variable amount of vertical lines in greys, greens, and yellows painted across them. They were supposed to represent the fleetingness and business of modern life, where one only experienced landscape elements such as trees, pavements and houses, but also people as single lines that rushed by, stripped of all their characteristics. Or at least that was what it was supposed to be as David explained to him. If Matteo squeezed his eyes closed, willing his mind to go blank, and then opened them for a slight bit, he kind of got the sense. He pocketed a card from the stack that was lying at the end of the exhibit as it depicted the painting he had seen the most in. 

In the next room, there were a bunch of canvases with different pop culture imagery and newspaper headlines pasted over each other, like a genital one with different sexual health risks, a condom one with actual condoms and foil wrappers, which were both mildly funny. One of them, a collection of different arctic animals, melting ice, and headlines about death and destruction somehow struck a chord in Matteo. He still didn’t understand modern art, but at least this person seemed to care about the environment. 

“See, David. This I get. I like how they took these different pieces and pasted them together.”

David shook his head in disbelief, and answered: “You know that’s called a collage, right? Like, the art we all made in the beginning of secondary school where things were all about complementary or contrasting color and composition.”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it, you’re an art teacher.”

The look in David’s eyes softened, and he put a reassuring hand on Matteo’s shoulder. 

“I actually like this one as well. The way they juxtaposed the animals with the horrible articles and headlines is beautiful in its own twisted way.”

Matteo patted David’s hand, showing him he had gotten the sentiment. They were here to enjoy themselves after all. He pretty much always had fun being around David. The art was just a nice addition, and David seemed to enjoy it, anyway.

After that, they walked into a room dedicated to a group of artists that had tried to capture the demise of the German Democratic Republic and its consequences for the German state as a whole, through its unification and consequent ignoring of everything that was “East German”. They had used different pieces of the Berlin wall in their installations, but Matteo really couldn’t see much else that linked them to the history. He had learned about it in school, was confronted by it when walking past certain monuments, and had heard stories from some classmates and friends, but what he saw in this exhibit seemed to be devoid of all that. There was no story. Just some blocks of concrete in different sizes and shapes.

David, on the other hand, was positively glowing, darting from one installation piece to the next and taking pictures with his phone that had an extra lens – without flash as not to alert the security guards. His excitement was honestly endearing. When David came to a standstill in front of an actual full piece of the Berlin wall like the ones you saw painted with different motifs all over the city, Matteo draped himself over his back.

“This is so poignant. Like, look, it’s literally an ATM that’s been inserted into the wall. How cynical is that. Capitalism destroyed the lives of so many people and the authorities had the audacity to call it freedom. Look, this thing is literally called _Statue of Liberty_ –” 

David was about to go off on a rant about capitalism that strangely reminded Matteo of Jonas, and he decided to intervene before the older lady in the back of the room who kept staring at them could look even more offended.

“You know that’s just a slab of concrete that someone cut a hole in and stuffed with an ATM display, right?” he said lowly into David’s ear.

That got David to throw him off from where he was hanging off of David’s shoulders – maybe that was what had offended the old lady, but honestly, then she had some fun waiting for her in the room with the collage of genitals – and glare at him.

“You are a fiend and a barbarian,” he said with a nasal voice, wagging his left pointer finger at him. 

Matteo growled in response and made a dash for the ATM machine as if he actually wanted to use it, which prompted David to pull at his sweater. They ended up collapsing on the ground, shaking with laughter that echoed loudly in the space, earning them many frowning looks from the people around them. 

After calming down again, they strolled around the exhibit a bit longer, Matteo picking up a few more artists’ cards. As it had been later in the afternoon when they had come to the museum – blame David’s study session and Matteo’s… well, Matteo in general – they soon heard the last call for the visitors to make their way to the exit. 

When they had gotten their coats out of the lockers, wrapping themselves up against the wind and the rain that had come to stay as they had been visiting the exhibits, they left to stand in front of the building and discuss their plans for the evening. David had gotten out his phone to check for food options to get as takeaway, as promises for a treat to lunch – or rather, dinner, in this case – had been made at the dinner with Laura and Linn, and was flicking through the different restaurants on Yelp. Matteo noticed he even had an account. The guy sure liked to be prepared. 

Matteo took a look at his phone as well, and saw that he had received a message from his therapist’s office. He clicked on it, making sure that David was still engrossed by reading Yelp reviews of different food joints. The message said that there had come up a free slot for a therapy session via phone call or skype at half past six and to respond as soon as possible. It had been sent ten minutes ago, so there luckily was still time to respond. He sent one back, stating that he would like to take the session. As much fun as it was to be with David, the whole ordeal with his mother and his own messy feelings were still there, weighing on his shoulders, and he really needed some support for it. Of the professional kind. He closed his eyes, relaxing his shoulders, and took a few deep breaths, focusing on his technique. Then, after another glance at his phone informed him that the slot was his, he slipped his phone back into his pocket.

“I think I’ve found our place. It’s this Syrian restaurant, all of their dishes are to die for.”

He was watching Matteo with an expectant look in his eyes. 

“Yeah, sure.” 

After the text, Matteo had felt the energy seep out of him bit by bit, the lack of sleep from the last few days finally catching up with him now that he was reminded of the thing with his mother. He needed to get home soon, but he didn’t want to leave David yet.

“So, uh. Takeaway?”

“Yeah, that’s the thing, we need to get it ourselves, and it’s quite far away.”

“Oh. Uh, I need to make a phone call in half an hour, actually… Would you mind–”

A gentle smile spread across David’s face, and he patted Matteo’s arm, which left him with a nice warm feeling.

“No worries. I’ll go get the food, you go home and call whoever you need to call. That was the deal after all, me treating you, right?”

Matteo let out a relieved sigh, smiling at David appreciatively. They waved in parting, and then he was off to the bus stop, hurrying to get home before the call with his therapist. 

Later in the evening, when the day had turned to night and empty takeaway boxes were were discarded on the nightstand, Matteo opened his eyes, feeling heavy with drowsiness. He squinted at the laptop placed on his bed, the screen still displaying the movie they had started watching some time ago, and tried to figure out at what point he had dozed off. 

After his talk with his therapist – where they had discussed what had happened and they had told him how well he had done by contacting the office immediately when he felt things were getting too much – he had felt slightly better about the whole ordeal, and David had arrived with the food. They’d eaten while talking about this and that, and it turned out David hadn’t seen any other Ghibli movies than _Spirited Away_ – to Matteo’s utter shock, taken his youth had been pretty much filled with movies from the studio. He wasn’t that big of a fan anymore, but to this day _Howl’s Moving Castle_ remained one of his favourite movies, so that’s what they had put on for the evening. And Matteo did remember watching it – until he hadn’t. 

He yawned, stretching his arms a bit, and registered that his head was laying on David’s shoulder, David’s arm securely wrapped behind his back.

“Hi, welcome back.”

David kept his voice low and Matteo peeked up at him, seeing a soft smile on David’s lips. He knew he should get up and give David some space, but the guy was ridiculously warm and he was still a bit out of it, so that would be his defence for staying in his spot for a moment longer.

“Sorry, did I sleep for long?”

Matteo coughed, his voice a little raspy from sleep, as David dug out his phone to check the time.

“Only for half an hour or so.”

Matteo hummed in acknowledgement, letting his eyes close for a little bit to shield them against the bright computer screen in the otherwise dim room. After a few seconds, he felt David squirm a little under him, and forced himself to sit up more.

“Uh, sorry I–”

“Oh, no. It’s fine, you don’t have to move. I just had to stretch out my back a bit.”

Matteo let his head flop back onto David’s shoulder, mumbling a silent thanks, and sighed contently as David tightened the arm behind his back a bit.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how tired you were. We could’ve rescheduled if you’d told me you had a long night.”

Matteo brought his hand up and rubbed at his eyes, trying to pull himself up a bit more. David’s voice was apologetic and he really couldn’t have that, now could he – it was Matteo who dozed on him, after all.

“I’ve had quite a lot of long nights for years now. It’s okay, nothing new.”

“What do you mean?”

As Matteo’s brain caught up what he had just said, he knew this was a topic he couldn’t really brush off anymore. David had turned his head to look at Matteo with a worried frown on his face, and Matteo wanted nothing more than to wipe away the worry his poorly chosen words had caused. 

“Oh, uh… I just– It’s just a thing that happens sometimes. Don’t worry about it.”

“I do worry, though.”

David’s face softened, and Matteo forgot how to breathe for a moment, getting lost in the warm brown of his eyes. He stared at them for a moment, before letting his gaze drop back to the computer screen. Howl’s castle was collapsing, parts flying around. They stayed like that, not speaking, just being, for a bit. It felt like David was giving him space to gather his thoughts as well as leaving the decision whether he’d tell him more or not up to Matteo. And it wasn’t like he was particularly hiding his mental health issues: it was, however, a difficult topic to talk about and always had been. What would he say, how should he say it? If he told people how things were, would it drive them away? Would it make them pity him? Never quite look at him the same way? 

He had struggled with it a lot, even with just telling his friends what was going on, but through the help of his therapist as well as Hans and Linn, he’d figured out a way to open up about it. One thing that had been especially helpful was the realisation that he didn’t have to tell anyone if he didn’t want to, and that was his main objective here: he really wanted to tell David. He wanted to open up to him, to lay his cards on the table. Because whatever it was between them that had been slowly growing, it was something Matteo had found himself cherishing. David had always been considerate of him, but his consideration never felt forced. More importantly, Matteo felt safe around David in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time, which was what really made him wanted to be honest with him. 

Matteo struggled to get up into sitting position and David let him go, sliding his hand back to his own lap. David’s gaze was fixed on Matteo, and eventually, Matteo met his eyes.

“I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time now. It’s better now, but these things, they–… They never really go away, you know? I might feel numb and won’t leave my bed for a few days. Sometimes I’ll feel like crying for a week without being able to shed a single tear, until I just can’t breathe and my heart tries to crawl out through my throat.”

Matteo swallowed, dropping his gaze back down, unable to meet David’s eyes any longer. David’s expression had stayed neutral and hard to read, and he remained silent, only nodding a couple of times while Matteo talked. In fact, his heart was trying to beat its way up right this second, and he started to pick at the cuff of his sleeve just to give his hands something to do.

“If it flares up, I might cancel stuff last minute. I– I’ve disappeared for a week before and not talked to anyone but my therapist. And sometimes I stay awake all night, not able to sleep, and then fall asleep in the most random places and… And there’s a lot more. It’s not pretty.”

To tell someone about the ugliest parts of yourself and hope for them to stay regardless was the scariest thing Matteo could imagine. Because he had difficulties believing that anyone would stay, despite knowing he still had the same friends as before his diagnosis and consequent treatment. For a fleeting moment, he also felt stupid. Utterly stupid for letting the truth slip out even though he didn’t even know if there was anything there between him and David. He found himself desperately hoping there was, though.

“Okay.”

Matteo lifted his head to look at David, who seemed to be thinking hard about something.

“I mean, that sounds very rough for you. Thank you for telling me about it.”

David leaned forward and squeezed Matteo knee, still smiling so gently it kind of made Matteo want to cry, but in a good way. He nodded, chewing his lip, and David continued: 

“You know, if there’s ever anything I can do to help or make it easier… Just say the word, okay? If there’s anything I can do, I will. I want to.”

Matteo felt the knot in his stomach unravel and let his shoulders slump down, relaxed where they had been hunched up to his ears. The sense of relief was almost overwhelming, as he nodded, feeling the corners of his lips quirk up, unable to stop them.

“Thank you. I, uh, I appreciate it.”

The movie credits were rolling on the laptop screen and Matteo shut the lid, moving the laptop onto the floor as they slid further down to lay on the bed. They talked in hushed voices, David telling him how he started busking in Hamburg. He told him about his and Laura’s life in Hamburg after moving into their own, small home, and how they ended up in Berlin. How Dolce Fermata was formed. David’s soothing and soft voice felt like a warm hug Matteo was wrapped in, making him relax further into the mattress. 

The next morning, Matteo woke up to light creeping into the room from between the curtains, as usual. He was curled up against David, who was lying on his back and still soundly asleep. Both of them were still wearing their day clothes, seemingly having drifted off closely after each other at some point in the evening, and the seam of his jeans was digging a little painfully to Matteo’s thigh. He ignored it for the sake of watching David’s peaceful expression for a moment, letting his eyes trail his features from his stark brows all the way to his soft, slightly parted lips. He gulped and lifted his hand, carefully running it over the tips of David’s hair, as not to wake him up. Matteo quickly snatched his hand back when David stirred a little and snuffled, rolling onto his side to face Matteo. After a short moment, his eyes opened slowly and a drowsy grin appeared on his lips as he met Matteo’s gaze.

“Morning.”

Matteo felt something tingling in his chest – a pleasant warmth spreading in it as he returned the grin with a lazy one of his own.

“Morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you just want to wrap Matteo (and also David) into a hug as much as we do? Kudos and comments are, as always, dearly appreciated ❤
> 
> As always, the weekly updating playlist to go with the chapter can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA)!


	6. O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! We are now over halfway with our fic, that has slowly turned into the longest thing either of us has written :) We know we're a few weeks late for Christmas, but bear with us! 
> 
> As always, here is a little snippet of what's to come in this chapter:  
>  _“No, it’s fine. This is warm enough,” Matteo imitated his earlier words, mocking him as they started walking up the stairs. David scowled at him, only to be surprised by Matteo, who stopped him by his shoulder and whipped the scarf he had been wearing over David’s head and wrapped it securely to his neck. Their eyes locked for a moment, Matteo standing on the same step right in front of David, his hands still resting on the ends of the scarf on David’s chest. David wondered for a second how he got so close and if he’d be able to pull him even closer. Maybe close enough to kiss him, even._

Berlin in December was different kinds of grey as the sand colored buildings mixed with the dark grey pavements and the brown, leafless trees. David was on his way to meet Sam at her place: they needed to work on a project they had partnered up for. He had decided to walk the whole way, because he hadn’t gotten that much exercise, his weeks filled with uni work, lunch and dinner with his friends, a capella meetings, and some last-minute busking sessions. The newer addition were the afternoons and evenings he spent with Matteo, which often turned into late nights and mornings. The rate at which their tentative friendship was turning into something profound, far more than just _friend_ ship, made him rather nervous. Very nervous, actually, as his old fears of being tied down and limited were waking up at the back of his mind. But at the same time, he couldn’t help but let himself be a bit giddy about it as well.

Right now, however, he was cursing himself for not taking the bus. When he had left, the sky had just been gloomy, but after a few minutes, a persistent drizzle had started up. His backpack was nowhere near waterproof, and the colored paper he had taken for the project as well as one of his expensive course books were bound to get at least somewhat soggy. As his forgetful ass hadn’t even thought of bringing an umbrella, he had pulled up his hood after a few minutes of walking to prevent himself from turning into a wet poodle.

Finally, he made it to the building where Sam’s flat was located. It was his first time here: they had mostly met up at the library, the cafeteria or a café before. Sam had warned him about their landlord’s rather unusual taste in decorating: they had rented the flat half-furnished, and weren’t allowed to make any changes to the wall paint. He was rather confused as to why she felt the need to warn him about something so absurd, but he would find out about it soon enough.

After ringing the doorbell, he was buzzed up by one of Sam’s flatmates. When he got up the stairs, he realized she was also part of Matteo’s a cappella group, _Sempre piu_ , as David remembered her from the evening. Her whole demeanor exuded warmth and friendliness. 

“David, right? I’m Hanna. Nice to meet you,” she laughed. She held out her hand, which David shook. 

“Come on in, Sam is in the living room playing her harp, you’ll probably have to pull her away.” 

David thanked her and went to find Sam after taking off his wet jacket and soggy shoes at the door. She was indeed sitting in the living room, ear plugs in her ears, staring concentratedly at the music stand in front of her. She held her hands gracefully as her fingers nimbly ran over the strings, creating little peals of sound, which seemed to swirl around in the air. The fragility of the music made David feel like he should hold his breath and tiptoe into the room just to prevent himself from disturbing the peacefulness of it all. The music seemed familiar, although he wasn’t sure where he knew it from. 

Not daring to interrupt her playing, David sat down on the couch and carefully took out the materials he had brought over; they turned out to be mostly dry, only some dampness around the top edges, so he spread them out over the couch he was sitting on. Sam’s beautiful playing moved to the background as he stared around the room; the sharp contrast between the delicate music and the loudness of the colour scheme of the flat was almost amusing. It was just _very_ red. The wall was a terracotta orange, the two-piece sofa a burgundy red, and the chairs and table a reddish brown. Sam really hadn’t been kidding when she said their landlord was a bit weird with his tastes. The flatmates had apparently tried to counterbalance the red with some blue curtains and blue and green accents, but, unfortunately, the colour was still extremely prominent. 

Sam looked up from her playing, as she had just finished her run-through of the song, and jumped a bit when she saw David sitting so close to her. She pulled out her earplugs, put them away, and nearly ran the few steps it took from her harp to the couch.

“David! Why didn’t you say something instead of sitting there like a creep?” she teased as she wrapped him up in a heartfelt hug.

“You were playing so beautifully that I didn’t have the heart to interrupt you. You never told me you played the harp, though. I am hurt.”

“Whoops, well. The guitar and the piano are just so much more convenient. That one isn’t exactly pocket sized for easy transport,” Sam said, pointing at the harp. “Anyway, let me put away my stuff and get my things for the project. You can take those things to the table and have a seat. Would you like something to drink?”

David blinked at her rapid-fire instructions. 

“Uh, coffee? Or if you don’t have any, tea or water is fine as well.”

“Alright, one coffee coming right up.”

David managed to quickly move his stuff to the table. Some rummaging and running back and forth later, Sam entered the room again with a tray, on it two mugs of coffee and two muffins. 

“My one flatmate baked them herself, they’re vegan and _super_ delicious.”

David accepted a cup of coffee and a muffin, humming in agreement as the muffin looked honestly mouth-watering, and they got to work. The project was on creating a musical game, utilizing both educational and musical studies. Sam had wanted them to also make use of both of her subjects, music and French, but in the end they had decided on just music, as David didn’t speak any French and the task itself was already a handful as it was. They started working on the theoretical background of their project first: they both were no fans of it and had decided to suffer it together. 

After two hours of hard work, Sam decided it was time for a break and put some pizza baguettes in the oven. David felt guilty that he hadn’t thought of bringing something over. Normally, he always tried to, but with his busy schedule he had completely forgotten about it. 

“So,” Sam said, rubbing her hands, as she came in from the kitchen, “a little bird told me you are over at Leonie’s flat a lot, but never to actually meet up with her.”

“Well, uh, I’ve sort of become friends with Matteo.”

Sam smirked. She had a too pleased expression on her face for David’s liking, colored by something far from innocent joy.

“Friends, huh?”

“I mean, yeah. We’ve been going to museums together. Also, Laura and Linn decided we needed to have dinner with them.”

“Mmh. Right. Museums. Dinner.”

Sam pursed her lips and winked at him. 

“He is quite pretty, isn’t he?”

David sputtered, trying to deny it, but couldn’t actually come up with any counter arguments fast enough before Sam was at it again.

“Come on, man, I have eyes. It’s not because I–” She didn’t continue, as David started to cough rather violently, caused by a mixture of embarrassment and some muffin crumbs in his throat.

“Okay, okay. I know you’re all about not letting others define you and all that jazz. And I respect that. So, let me get those baguettes and we’ll continue?” 

They worked for a while longer, polishing off their baguettes and only leaving a few crumbs on their worksheets. Then, they drifted off again, talking about Christmas. Sam told him that she would be visiting her family in Brussels for the days leading up to Christmas and come back before New Year's. The way she enthusiastically explained all her family’s Christmas traditions and plans for that year really gave David an impression she was very close to her parents and relatives – apparently, she had no siblings, but was very close to her cousins, and they had this huge jam session with the whole family every Christmas. 

In turn, David told her that Laura and Linn were planning on having a big Christmas dinner and evening, filled with love and sustainable presents. It was meant as a surprise for Matteo, who wouldn’t be going to his mom’s after all, and Hans, whose parents had decided they wanted to spend their Christmas on Mallorca. Sam seemed to light up as she heard of the idea, asking many questions David ended up having to admit he had no knowledge about, as Laura had done pretty much all the planning. Sam also asked if he was going to get anything for Matteo which, to be fair, he should have thought about earlier. He also commiserated about Leonie being at her parents’ house and not able to join the festivities, but they decided to do a friendly meet-up as soon as she and Sam were back. 

After some more chit chat, Sam had to leave for her last evening class, and David made his way home, happy that they had gotten far enough with their project that they didn’t have work on it again before the end of their Christmas break.

The next day, David was waiting for Matteo on the edge of one of Berlin’s many, _many_ Christmas markets. They had chosen this one as it had a lot of handmade, eco friendly products that would make excellent presents for their friends. On his phone, he had a precise list of what he wanted to get whom. Some things were already checked off as he had gotten them from somewhere else: a book full of nice vegan recipes for Leonie and a book of contemporary poetry for Mohammed from his favourite independent bookshop as well as a book of Christmas songs on harp for Sam at a music store.

He was scrolling through his present ideas, shivering a bit from the chilly air, when a huffed-out _boo, don’t get scared_ and a little shove startled him into looking up. Matteo was standing in front of him, a beaming smile on his face and his arms stretched out, ready for a hug. David indulged him, greeting him with a smile.

“Man, I really went to the one a few streets over. Like, how many Christmas markets does one city need?” Matteo mumbled after they had parted, scuffing his shoe on the pavement stones.

“I don’t know. That’s capitalism for you.”

That made Matteo chuckle.

“Okay, then, anti-capitalist king. Is that why we’re at the all-natural, incense-drenched, weed-clouded one?”

“Of course.”

“Nice. Although, I haven’t smoked in a long time.”

“I’m sure it’s not all over the market. Come on, let’s go.”

The market stalls looked pretty similar to the regular ones, although the products they sold were more neutrally colored, and the advertisements were a lot more subdued. Right at the front, there was a little soap stall attended by a woman dressed in differently colored felt garments, and David bought a clear purple, lavender scented soap for Linn. He had even brought his own little container for it, so the woman didn’t have to wrap it in plastic. Matteo had smelled about half of the soaps by the time David paid, but didn’t buy any of them himself. 

Next they found a bigger stall selling wool and felt products, and David purchased some black, fingerless cashmere gloves with a flap so you could make mittens out of them for Laura. She took her bike everywhere, even when it was freezing, and still hadn’t replaced the gloves she had somehow lost last winter. Matteo bought a small felt reindeer that was wearing corduroy overalls and a Christmas hat. He told David it was for Hans and Santeri as it was cute and nordic.

The smell of freshly roasted candied almonds drifted over and Matteo made a beeline towards them, purchasing both a pack of almonds and a few roasted chestnuts. He offered one of the chestnuts to David, but David dejectedly shook his head. The taste of them, combined with the fluff that sometimes stuck to the nuts from the shell and had a very bitter taste, had never appealed to him. They had had a big chestnut tree on the playground of their elementary school, and Laura had always brought home heaps of them, eating them raw as little snacks on the way home. David shuddered at the memory of Laura pelting them at him, munching away with her mouth wide open. 

But he gladly took the little packet of almonds when Matteo held it out to him. They were warm, crunchy, and tasted of Christmas. When they had both eaten their fill, they continued along the christmas market, a bit slower than the rest of the market shoppers. David had realized some days ago that Matteo had a talent for making him slow down, in a physical way. He was learning to appreciate a languid stroll, look at the different plants and buildings – Matteo seemed to have a thing for touching leaves and twigs – as they walked past them. Right now, Matteo was enraptured by some glass ornaments, making them tingle. Then he seemed to shake himself out of it, turned around to David, and gave him a small, private smile.

Some stands further down, there was some nice woodwork, and Matteo purchased an olive wood bowl for Linn to keep her keys in, as she always lost them. He also bought something that looked surprisingly like a wooden butt plug but was indeed a wine opener, and said, again, that it was a gift for Hans, refusing to elaborate.

Matteo got his friends some liquor at the stall of a small distillery, getting his friend Abdi a fruity one just because. They had some flasks that looked like buff models, filled with some red liquid, and Matteo poked at their abs, a slightly disturbed look on his face, until the stall owner frowned at him. 

At a bookbinder’s, David bought Sara a small bound book for her theatre notes, and Matteo got his other friends some nice art prints to hang in their atrociously colored flat, as he pronounced. David couldn’t help but agree. 

Their last stop was a dressmaker, who also sold different small pride flags, and David purchased a nonbinary one for Essam.

Matteo pointed at the rainbow flag and said: “Ha, gay.”

When the shop owner looked over rather angrily, he added: “Like me, right, David?”

David bit his lip, trying to contain his laughter.

“Sure, Matteo.”

He rolled his eyes and pulled him away from the stall, having already paid for the flag. Shaking his head at Matteo’s antics, he let his arm go and turned to face him.

“So, I’d really like some _Glühwein_ right now. What about you?”

“Mhm.”

Matteo had this soft look in his eyes, which David wasn’t ready to interpret. But it was nice.

After looking for the signs to the food court part of the market, they quickly found a _Glühwein_ stand, which also sold very appealing spelt crêpes and waffles with some vegan alternative to nutella.

The prices for the _Glühwein_ were very steep, but most of that went to the ornate mugs they served it in, which had been hand painted for the market.

David and Matteo were looking for two spots to sit down when they heard their names being shouted. A few metres away, Hans and his boyfriend were huddled up on a beer bench, a small space free across from them, and each had a small stack of cups in front of them. They made their way over to them, and were both immediately hugged by a very enthusiastic Hans. 

“You two were out here, all on your own, without notifying me? We could have gone together, had some nice bonding time! Although, being just two is very cozy.”

Matteo huffed and looked at the ground. David snorted. Hans seemed to have that effect on Matteo, he had also observed it the other times he had seen them together. 

Then, Hans turned to him and said: “David, have you met my Santeri yet? He’s not really the partying type, so I don’t think you’ve ever had the pleasure.”

David had seen him at the party at Matteo’s, well, Leonie’s place, but hadn’t really managed to talk to him then. 

Santeri held out his hand and said: “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

David sat down opposite of Santeri. They brought their mugs together in cheers, and both took a gulp of _Glühwein_. 

“So, David. Hans told me you’re really into music.”

“Yeah, you could say that. I study music to become a teacher, and I’m also in an a cappella group.”

“True.”

Santeri seemed to be satisfied with not saying much. So David decided to elaborate.

“I listen to loads of different genres. Like, baroque music, sure, nineties EDM, okay, some symphonic metal, great!”

“Symphonic metal?” 

Santeri looked intrigued. 

“Yeah, a few weeks ago, I discovered this Finnish band. You’re from Finland, right?”  
  
“I am.”

“So they have this really nice song, _Ghost Love Score_ –”

At that, Santeri zipped down his jacket, earning a puzzled look from Hans and a somewhat startled look from David himself, and buffed up his chest. Then, he pointed at his sweater, which was adorned by the ornate logo of the band David had been talking about.

“Nightwish! Amazing band.” 

Santeri emptied his glass with a loud _aaah_. Then, his demeanor turned sombre.

“They were never the same after their first singer left, but still, amazing,” he said, turning to face Matteo, interrupting his conversation with Hans. “I approve of this one, he has taste.”

Matteo groaned out something that sounded suspiciously like _not you, too_ and lowered his head onto his arms, which were resting on the table in front of him. Meanwhile, Hans pulled Santeri in and kissed him squarely on the mouth.

“How about Santtu and I get us some more _Glühwein_? This calls for a toast.”

David looked over to Matteo, who still had his face buried in his arms. It looked rather endearing.

“Alright, but I want _Kinderpunsch_ ,” Matteo mumbled from his position. 

He kept his face on one arm, and held out his mug with the other. Hans snatched it up and hooked his arm into Santeri’s.

“Same for me,” David added, not trusting himself with any more _Glühwein_ , as it had already made him feel a bit tingly all over.

“Alright, my children, two _Kinderpunsch_ coming up.”

With that, Hans and Santeri left. Matteo huffed out a laugh. He looked at David, gesturing at his side, asking for permission, before he put his head on David’s shoulder. The tingling inside David intensified, and for the first time since they had entered the Christmas market, he felt truly warm.

Christmas Eve arrived chilly and rainy, as most of the days in the Berlin winter. David and Laura arrived quite early in the day to the flatshare, carrying bags filled with various ingredients for dishes Linn had instructed them to buy – just to make sure they could make enough food for everyone.

They were buzzed up and greeted at the door by Matteo, who was wearing a huge, white Christmas sweater decorated with somewhat wonky candy canes and Christmas trees, as well as cats in santa hats. He was obviously surprised to see them, but surprise turned into a delighted expression as Laura launched to hug him, announcing they were joining in for the Christmas celebrations.

“You didn’t tell me,” Matteo mumbled after Laura made her way to the kitchen, a hint of accusation in his voice, but with pure happiness in his eyes. Despite his attempt at a frown, Matteo still accepted the hug David greeted him with, who had a big smile on his face at the sight of Matteo.

“It would have ruined the surprise if I had,” he countered, chuckling as Matteo lazily kicked his ankle while he still had his arms around him, and pulled away with a grin still wide on his face. Matteo rolled his eyes and grabbed one of David’s shopping bags, gesturing him to follow. David stumbled out of his shoes, trying his best to get them on the shoe rack with his feet only, hands occupied with bags, and went after Matteo. 

He dropped the shopping bags in the kitchen and continued on his way to Matteo room to drop off his duffel bag. They hadn’t been sure how long they would stay, so by Laura’s instructions, he had packed more than enough clothes. David tossed his bag on the floor, unzipped it and rummaged through it to find a small box, wrapped in brown gift paper and paper yarn with _Matteo_ written on it in golden letters.

“Planning on invading my bed without asking?”

David jumped and spun around quickly just to see Matteo looking at him with a smirk on his face.

“ _Jesus Christ_ , Matteo! I think I lost years of my life span,” David sighed, his shoulders relaxing from tensing up at being startled. David scowled as Matteo snickered, still looking way too pleased with himself, and perked up upon seeing the little present in David’s hand.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing.”

David hid the package behind his back as Matteo took a few steps closer.

“Is that a gift? It said my name on it.”

“It was a gift for you. Not anymore, though, as you scared the living shit out of me.”

“Huh? Not fair! Give it to me!”

Matteo tried to reach behind David’s back with grabby hands, and David backed away, laughing brightly as Matteo pouted at him.

“Fine, I won’t give you mine either,” Matteo announced, crossing his arms on his chest, and turned to leave the room. That captured David’s attention.

“You got me something?”

Matteo turned back, the same pleased smirk tugging on his lips as he reached his hand out and nodded towards David’s hands.

“It’s under the Christmas tree in the living room. Let me take that and put it onto the pile as well.”

David hummed, finally giving in and handing the small gift to Matteo, who took it and instantly turned it around a bit, curiosity in his eyes as he shook it a little and heard some rattling. David snorted and ushered Matteo around and towards the living room.

“Why did you get me a present?” he asked, glancing at Matteo, who was still examining the package in his hands with wondrous eyes.

“Why’d you? Is this paper?”

Matteo fumbled with the paper yarn tied into a ribbon over the gift. David picked the gift from his hands, earning himself a protesting yelp, and added it under the tree with the other gifts, choosing not to elaborate on his gift in fear of revealing it. Luckily, Hans appeared into the living room, wearing an atrociously coloured Christmas jumper with reindeer all over it, all of them having a twinkling red light as their nose.

“Merry Christmas, my butterfly!”

Hans almost tackled Matteo with the force of his hug and David snorted at the comedy of the scene. He also got hung on the nickname, and as he met Matteo’s eyes, he tilted his head with a quirked brow.

“Butterf–?”

“No, don’t ask,” Matteo cut him off with a groan, and before David could continue, Hans was already pulling him into a tight hug, gleefully rambling on about how wonderful it was that he and Laura had joined them, and how he’d always wanted a triple date for Christmas. David tried to smile politely and ignore the way his stomach turned at his words. It sounded like Hans had decided he and Matteo would be a unit from now on; David balked at the mere idea, as they had been toeing the more than friends line, but hadn’t talked about it themselves. It made him want to leave this whole celebration behind and take a long walk through the cold rain. 

He cautiously glanced at Matteo, who had a weird mixture of bewilderment and amusement on his face as he shook his head. He caught David looking and gave him a small, warm smile, and really, for such a small gesture, it had a ridiculously calming effect on David, much to his bafflement. His shoulders let off the tension that had been building in them and the spiraling thoughts which had dominated his brain mere seconds ago seemed to mute and vanish instantly – all because of that small smile.

Some time later, all six of them had settled into the kitchen, cooking a mushroom risotto for dinner and making vegan tiramisu for dessert. Linn was working on the risotto,her movements somewhat restricted by Laura who had decided to plaster herself on Linn’s back, her usual position. Meanwhile, Matteo was in charge of the tiramisu, swatting away Santeri’s hands from the _Spekulatius_ biscuits he wanted to use as a base for his tiramisu. Hans had engaged David into a deep conversation about politics surrounding queer rights, education budgets, and art grants – they weren’t exactly light topics to discuss at a Christmas celebration, but he didn’t mind because it was interesting to have a discussion with someone who had obviously done their research on the subjects.

After the quite honestly marvellous dinner, and, the tooth-rottingly sweet but delicious, dessert – Matteo rolled his eyes at the praise and thrown a blueberry at him, snickering when it hit his nose – they settled into the living room, listening to Christmas songs. What began as simply enjoying some jolly music to get into the mood for opening the presents was now a battle of finding the weirdest and most terrible songs they could. Linn had found the most awful German ones so far, which Santeri had tried to top with Finnish heavy metal adaptations, only for it to backfire on him as everyone really liked them. 

When Laura was about to tune up some awfully bad recorder-played _Jingle Bells_ , David stole the phone from her in order to stop her, resulting in them running around the flat as Laura chased him to get her phone back. When David finally dashed back into the living room, Laura managed to jump on his back, resulting in them tumbling to the floor, and everyone bursting into laughter at the sight of them splayed out on the floor. 

“The Schreibner siblings are obviously getting a little restless, so, should we open the presents?” Linn giggled, pointing at the pile under the Christmas tree. Matteo jumped up from the couch and made his way to the tree, sitting back down next to the gifts.

“Ho ho ho,” Matteo grinned, causing Hans to scoff as he would have wanted to have the honor, but didn’t fight it and simply threw his santa hat at Matteo. He put it onto her head and grabbed the first present.

After the presents had been handed out, everyone was busy opening their own catch. There were delighted exclaims, like when Linn opened up the lavender soap David had gotten her, as well as very different reactions, like when Hans completely dissolved into cackles when he took the butt plug shaped bottle opener out of its packaging. David unwrapped the first gift that was from Laura and Linn, finding a very nice set of paint markers from his favourite brand. From Hans and Santeri, he got a guitar tablature and song book featuring many of Nightwish’s hits, Santeri proudly explaining he’d found out through Linn that David could play the guitar and was looking forward to hear David’s take on the songs in the book. 

The very last package he had in his hands was… Well, it was wrapped. David examined the rather wild amount of tape around the paper and sent an amused look to Matteo, who was now intently watching him, shrugging when he saw David’s expression.

“Be lucky it’s wrapped at all, I contemplated giving it in the paper bag it came in,” Matteo huffed defensively, making him snicker. He carefully opened the gift – resorting to scissors as he couldn’t get past the tape with his bare hands – and let out a surprised squeak when he realized it was a brass compass.

“Matteo, you really didn’t have to get this for me,” he breathed out, bringing the compass closer to his face, examining the detailing on it. He turned his wide eyes to Matteo, who seemed rather pleased with himself.

“Yeah, well, but you really liked it, so…”

David nodded, still in a bit of awe, returning his gaze to the compass

“Wow, I– I mean, Thanks. I really do like it.”

He had seen the compass at one second hand stall they had stopped at during their Christmas shopping adventure. David had gotten his hands on it, but had to leave it, as he didn’t have enough cash on him and didn’t want to ask Matteo for lending him some. He had initially planned on returning to get it after a quick ATM visit, but forgotten about it completely as they were both hungry and went to eat after leaving the market. He only realized he forgot it when it was already too late to go back for that day, and ultimately decided against going to the crowded market again.

David was pulled out from his thoughts by a loud snort sounding suspiciously like Matteo. He lifted his gaze again, and saw Matteo dangling the red, crystal bell pepper keychain in front of him, looking at the shine of it against the light.

“You like it?” David asked, feeling a bit nervous, all of a sudden. The fact that Matteo got him something so nice made him second guess his own gift choice. David had gotten the handmade keychain from the same market, taking advantage of the moment when Matteo had been occupied with some chiming angel bell necklaces, planning to give one to his mother. 

“Yes, I like it” Matteo mumbled after a short while, still mesmerized by the way light shone through the crystal charm. “It’s awesome. Thank you.”

His smile was so wide and genuine David felt like the oxygen escape his lungs for a moment.

“Yeah, I uh– I mean, peppers, obviously… Also you liked those dangly glass things at the market.”

“I did, yeah. I do. Just… The way the light shifts through them and makes them glow, it’s beautiful. For a while, I really hated stained glass but it’s been growing on me again.”

David hummed understandingly, remembering Matteo telling his about his childhood at the church, and fondly looked at Matteo, who was still examining the chain in his hand.

Matteo was goofy and joked a lot, but David had come to understand that he was also very observant, and it always seemed like his brain was running even if he didn’t say anything. On top of that, there was something extremely soft about him – something that made David’s heart flutter a tiny bit. 

David bit his lip and looked back to the compass in his hands, picking up the brown paper it had been wrapped in that was lying discarded in his lap to toss it away. A small piece of colored paper fell out of it. Curiously, he glanced at Matteo, who was now chatting with the girls, his head back on Linn’s lap, and picked up the light blue paper he had missed earlier. When he turned it around, he saw a messily written _Merry Christmas :)_ on it. Pleasant, warm tingles spread through his chest all the way to his toes, and with a small smile, he folded up the piece of paper and put it safely inside the compass.

Christmas day started way too early for David’s liking. They’d stayed up playing Pictionary with Linn and Laura after Hans and Santeri had left for the night as Santeri was, quite literally, falling asleep on Hans’ shoulder and there was no room in the flatshare as they didn’t want to invade Leonie’s room even though she had allowed it beforehand. So, after staying up late, Hans barging into the room at 8.30 in the morning was less than welcome. With Hans’ ushering, they drowsily got up and shuffled into the kitchen.

After breakfast, they stayed seated at the table, chatting about this and that. David was halfway through his second cup of coffee, when the doorbell rang through the flat. Linn and Hans looked at each other in confusion, and then at David as he got up from his seat.

“Sorry, I forgot to mention. It’s Mohammed, he texted me freaking out where I am because he has a gift for me, or something.”

He had given Mohammed a small present a few days ago, despite knowing he didn’t care for Christmas that much. However, the writing set he had come across some days prior, with old looking paper, a fountain pen and a small bottle of ink, had immediately reminded him of Mohammed and his newly found love for poetry. When he opened the gift, Mohammed had been overjoyed, but also bummed he didn’t have anything to give David in return. And even though David had tried to convince him that it wasn’t a big deal, Mohammed had apparently made it his mission to find something nice for him.

“Oh! Tell him _hi_ from me!” Laura said from beside him, reaching her head towards the window to peer down at the street, probably to see a peek of Mohammed.

“You’re not coming down?”

“Nah, I’m good.”

She grinned from her spot on Linn’s lap; Linn chuckled under her, tightening her arms around Laura’s waist. David huffed and dug his phone out of his pocket when he felt it buzzing with another message from Mohammed. He poked Matteo’s shoulder.

“Amira’s with him, he says. And that they are in a hurry so they can’t come up. Did you want to see her?”

Matteo dropped his head back to look up at David, and frowned slightly.

“But it’s cold out there.”

David rolled his eyes.

“You’re wearing, like, three layers.”

“Yeah? It’s still cold?”

Matteo’s frown deepened a bit as David snorted. His phone buzzed again, and he reached his hand out to poke Matteo again after taking a look at the screen.

“She wants to see you. Come on.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Matteo finally got up, dragging his feet behind David, who made his way quickly to the door, taking his shoes off the shoe rack and putting them on. Matteo did the same, and finally snatched a big scarf off the shelf, wrapping it around his neck much to David’s amusement. He really wondered how Matteo managed to survive winter at all.

“How do you need that many layers?”

“Because it’s _cold_. You need any?”

“No, it’s fine. This is warm enough.”

Matteo rolled his eyes, and pushed the door open to the stairway. They made their way down to the front door, and were greeted by a widely smiling Mohammed and Amira. David pushed the door open, matching their grin and greeting first Amira and then Mohammed with a quick hug. Matteo shook Mohammed’s hand before going to bump fists with Amira, only to be pulled into a tight hug. David smiled at the two, and glanced at Mohammed, who was watching his girlfriend and Matteo with a soft expression on his face before turning back to David.

“You didn’t tell me you were going to spend Christmas here.”

“Yeah, well. It was Laura’s idea. Her girlfriend is Matteo’s flatmate, so.”

“Oh, I see. Only because of that?”

Mohammed was eyeing him slyly, smirking slightly. David squinted at him, frowning, which only caused Mohammed to chuckle. He didn’t push, though, leaving it at that, and David really appreciated him for it.

“What are you up to? For the holidays?”

“We’re spending time with my family,” Amira sighed, her expression a bit pained. “It’s nice, but I already feel like I’m going insane for being stuck with them.”

“Your family is nice,” Mohammed huffed, pulling her against his side for a moment, before putting his hand around her shoulders.

“And you’ve got a prince charming to support you in your suffering,” Matteo stated, making Mohammed and Amira burst out laughing. David shook his head, laughing along the other two, and glanced at Matteo, who had a pleased look on his face.

“Well, you don’t seem too bad off yourselves,” Amira commented, raising her eyebrows and casting a look at both of them, and David felt his cheeks heat up a bit, deciding quickly to blame it on the cold if anyone was to say anything about it. Matteo snorted.

“I’m quite sure I should be the prince here. Laura almost decked him yesterday.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Mohammed hummed, tilting his head. David scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Not that you were any help,” he muttered, squinting his eyes at Matteo before turning his glare back to Mohammed. “Did you have something else for me, in addition to the insults?”

“Insults? A simple truth, that.” 

Mohammed smirked, making Matteo snicker, to which he retaliated by lazily aiming a kick at Matteo’s ankle – and missing completely.

“Whatever.”

Amira shook her head next to Mohammed, poking him to his side and making him to yelp. She then dug a small, light blue gift bag out of her bag, handing it over to David.

“Here you go. From Mohammed. And this,” she dug her bag some more, pulling out another, holographic white gift bag, “Is for you.”

She handed the bag to Matteo, who took it gingerly, looking confused.

“I didn’t know you got me something.” 

Matteo mumbled his words, glancing at Amira again, who just shrugged, her whole expression turning into a fond one.

“Take a look?”

Matteo bit his lip and looked inside the bag, pulling out a pair of dark grey gloves. David shuffled closer, taking a better look, and they seemed to be thick and nicely made, with a little zipper on the wrist. Matteo sighed, sounding a little breathless.

“Amira–”

“Nope, I won’t hear it.”

She lifted a hand, facing her palm to Matteo as to stop whatever it was he was about to say in protest.

“I got them for you because I wanted to. And because I can’t stand watching you without a pair of gloves _in the middle of winter_ for a second longer. You always talk about those mystic gloves of yours, so I got you corporeal ones. Please put these into your bag or pockets or something.”

David chuckled, making Matteo glance at him with a slight frown.

“Won’t need my help with warming your hands anymore, then,” he commented, keeping his voice down so only Matteo could hear clearly, and earning a scoff and an eye roll from him, as well as a shove to his shoulder.

“Shut up.”

The annoyance in Matteo’s voice was evident but David didn’t miss the way the corners of his lips twitched like he was holding back a smile while he pulled the gloves on, squeezing his hands into fists for a couple of times.

“Thanks, Amira.”

Matteo had a shy smile on his face, the kind that made David a little dizzy, maybe a tiny bit mushy, even when it wasn’t directed at him. She replied by pulling Matteo into another hug, squeezing so hard it made him groan a silently.

“So, should I open this now as well?” David turned back to Mohammed, tilting his head a bit while examining the gift in his hands. Mohammed shrugged, nodding towards it. First, David pulled out a small box with a clear lid on it.

“What, how cool are these!” David grinned, turning the box a bit in his hands, examining the three picks in it – a regular triangle plectrum and a thumb pick, both with black and white marble-like pattern, as well as a metal finger pick.

He felt Matteo colliding into his side and dropping his chin on his shoulder, as he took a look at the picks in David’s hand.

“Those are kinda fancy. What’s that one that looks like a claw?”

“It’s a guitar pick as well, but made to fit around the fingers. The curved one is for the thumb.”

Matteo hummed and David opened the box, picking up the metallic pick, noting it seemed to be adjustable. He also got out the thumb pick and tried it on, surprised that the fit was snug and that the pick felt good around his finger despite what he was expecting.

“They’re perfect. Did you measure my thumb while I wasn’t looking?”

“I didn’t, but Laura might have.”

David sent an alarmed look towards Mohammed, making him laugh brightly.

“I’m joking, she told me you like the brand and have used them before.”

David put the picks back, carefully closing the box, and noticed a card on the bottom of it. As he went to take it out, Mohammed quickly grabbed his arm.

“Maybe read that when we’re gone.”

David raised his eyebrows, taking a look at Amira, who seemed like she might burst out laughing at any second, and returned his stare at Mohammed.

“Why?”

“I just– It might be a bit embarrassing.”

“I thought you were supposed to be the one to receive his affections in the form of poetry,” David muttered at Amira, but dropped the card back into the bag.

“I’m glad I won’t be alone anymore.”

The expression on her face wasn’t too far off from a sly one, making David sigh and Mohammed whine.

“I’m right here.”

“And your poems are very nice,” David and Amira said in unison, like they had both rehearsed the line many times, the surprise of it making all four of them burst out in laughter.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m learning, though. Slowly.”

They chatted for a little while longer about this and that. David noted that Amira and Matteo seemed very close, and he couldn’t help but find endearing how gently she spoke to him. Amira did also joke around with David a bit, making him feel instantly at ease. They had talked a few times, of course, as she had been to their practice and came to get Mohammed quite often afterwards, but somehow it felt different now, out of the practice space. Just them two, and now Matteo who somehow always managed to say the right thing to avoid the awkward quietness between them, making them all relax a bit more. 

Not long after, Amira and Mohammed said their goodbyes, already running a little late. David and Matteo stepped back into the corridor, and David realized he was actually quite cold, staying so long outside wearing only a hoodie. He shivered slightly, pulling his shoulders up and hoping it wasn’t too noticeable. No such luck, though, as he heard Matteo snickering next to him. 

“ _No, it’s fine. This is warm enough_ ,” Matteo imitated his earlier words, mocking him as they started walking up the stairs.

David scowled at him, only to be surprised by Matteo, who stopped him by his shoulder and whipped the scarf he had been wearing over David’s head and wrapped it securely to his neck. Their eyes locked for a moment, Matteo standing on the same step right in front of David, his hands still resting on the ends of the scarf on David’s chest. David wondered for a second how he got so close and if he’d be able to pull him even closer. Maybe close enough to kiss him, even. And now, wasn’t that a new sensation, to feel the urge to just pull Matteo in by the collar right there in the middle of the staircase. He didn’t dare, though, and Matteo broke the moment by clearing his throat, his cheeks a little red. But maybe that was just the cold.

“Come on, let’s get you another shirt to warm you up.”

With that, Matteo continued walking up the stairs, David snapping out of his daze and followed right behind him, this time ready to accept the extra clothing to ease the shivers that seemed to be shaking his very bones – although, he wasn’t sure if it was because of the cold, anymore.

The day moved by calmly, and David couldn’t help but think how extremely comfortable it all was. He had barely even met Hans and Santeri before, but somehow it felt like he had already known them for a long time, Hans casually peppering in pet names for him like he did with the rest in the group and Santeri directing many of the few words he said at him with a lot of thought behind them. He really couldn’t remember a Christmas that had felt as warm and family-like as this one. 

At one point, even though they barely had space for all six to sit down, everyone settled in the living room to watch a movie with snacks and some drinks scattered on the couch table. During the first half of the movie, David paid attention to just how prone Matteo was to lean on people, almost lying down on top of them. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that Matteo seemed to be always cold, if he liked being close to people, or just that he hated sitting or standing up straight. At first, he had been laying on the floor, head pillowed on Hans’ thigh, only to get up to the couch some time afterwards, saying floor was too hard. Laura had laughed at his whining, but politely gotten off the couch. She sat on the floor instead, her back leaning on Linn’s legs, so that Matteo could drop himself between Linn and David on the couch, pressing against her, like he didn’t even notice that he was doing it. 

When the movie was finally over, Linn had to get up from the sofa to use the bathroom and Matteo threw himself immediately against David. At that point, David came to the conclusion that it seemed to be Matteo’s second nature to seek another shoulder to lay on. And he couldn’t really complain. 

Hans suggested a game of charades and got out a piece of paper and a pen to prepare it. Laura jumped up to fetch some glasses and a couple bottles of red wine _,_ as well as a jug of water, in order to make it a small drinking game. They decided on the pairs and played for almost two hours, stopping to argue game tactics and judge word explanations in the middle, and they all got a bit of a pleasant buzz going on, Laura frequently offering water to everyone to make sure they were all well off. 

In the end, it was getting so late Santeri started dozing off again, Hans quickly ushering him to his feet and saying goodbyes for the day. Linn yawned as well, dragging Laura with her to her room soon after. On their way out, Linn had absentmindedly switched off the ceiling lights, leaving just David and Matteo in the living room, only the soft lights of the Christmas tree lighting the room and making the whole space look a little bit golden and dreamy. David didn’t mind it, and neither did Matteo, apparently, as he had made no comments on the lights going out. Besides, David was quite pleased with getting some alone time with Matteo as well, after spending the whole day in a bigger group.

He had come to realize he actually missed Matteo the days he didn’t see him, and wanted to know how his day had been. He missed having conversations with him and learning more about him every single time, even if they nowadays texted quite frequently. When they were together, he wished to have Matteo close to him, against his side, or just poking and kicking and teasing him on purpose. The feeling of it all, the crush that seemed to be getting only ever stronger, was something that had almost made him pull Matteo into a kiss on the staircase earlier that day, but he hadn’t had the guts to do it – and as Matteo shuffled just a bit closer, he regretted tremendously not doing it, because all he could think about now, was just that.

He slipped an arm behind Matteo’s back, pulling him in by the waist and getting a delighted hum as a reward.

“Should we go to bed as well?” David asked in a low voice, afraid of breaking the little bubble they had fallen into together.

“Nah, I like it here. Let’s stay for a moment.”

So they did, talking about this and that, nothing in specific as their topics jumped from university to handicrafts to childhood memories to food. At one point, Matteo explained to him how people in Italy liked putting fries on pizza, which, really, was gross. Although, David couldn’t decide which was more unsettling information: that, or that Matteo liked tzatziki on his pizza. On the other hand, Matteo threatened to throw him out of his flat upon learning David was actually quite fond of pineapple on pizza. 

That went on for sometime, them bickering and laughing together in hushed voices, like they were sharing more secrets as on their walk together some time back, until at some point, they settled into a comfortable silence.

“I don’t get it.”

David glanced at Matteo, who had now dropped his head on his shoulder.

“What?”

“How it’s so easy with you.”

David hummed, turning his head to look at the Christmas tree in the corner for a moment.

“What is?”

“All of this.”

Matteo’s voice was so silent David had a bit of trouble making out what he said, but he did anyway. He smiled gently, the confession making something warm to swirl in his chest, and he turned his face back to Matteo, gently rubbing his nose in Matteo’s hair, without really thinking about it. The blond locks felt ridiculously soft.

“Yeah.”

His own confession felt just as silent as Matteo’s had been, but he seemed to hear it loud and clear, lifting his head off David shoulder to turn to look at him, and David almost whined at the lost touch. His expression was soft, gaze curious under the fringe that feathered over them, and the golden lighting made him seem like he was glowing, making David a little breathless.

“Yeah?”

The hopeful tone in Matteo’s voice made David’s heart sing something sweet and sappy – to whisper something he’d only just dared to hope for himself. And it would have been easy to say it was the wine they had, that made him brave, but he really didn’t feel like he was all that tipsy anymore – if you didn’t count how drunk he suddenly felt on Matteo’s gaze, his eyes bright and beautiful staring right back at him. So he leaned in, pressing his lips on Matteo’s, and now, that was one of the best feelings he had felt for a long time as Matteo took a deep breath, and kissed him back.

As their position was a bit awkward, Matteo threw his leg over David and straddled him, going for another kiss, which David gladly returned. He slipped his hand behind Matteo’s back and another one into his hair, as Matteo slid both of his arms to rest loosely behind David’s neck, and David dared to deepen the kiss a bit, Matteo following his lead willingly.

He wasn’t sure how long they had made out, getting a little high on each other, when Matteo abruptly broke off the kiss, yawning widely. David burst out into giggles, trying to keep his voice down, in order to not get walked on by Laura or Linn complaining about the noise.

“Shit, sorry,” Matteo mumbled, yawning again and bringing his hand over his mouth, before dropping his forehead on David’s shoulder.

“We should get some sleep,” David muttered, bringing his hand up to store Matteo’s hair, the softness still feeling new and surprising, but ever so pleasant, on his fingers.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Matteo stumbled off of his lap and yawned for a third time, now making David yawn as well. Matteo chuckled, and pulled him in for a quick peck before dragging him by the hand into the bathroom for a quick teeth brushing, and then into his bedroom. They changed clothes and got under the covers rather quickly in order to avoid the chill in the room, and as they were finally settled, Matteo crawled against David without hesitation, resting his head on his shoulder and wrapping a hand over his middle.

“Goodnight,” David whispered into the darkness.

Matteo mumbled an incoherent response, his breathing already turning into a deep and slow one, indicating he was just about to fall asleep. David felt his eyelids getting heavy as well, Matteo’s warm figure pressed against him, and happiness buzzing all over his body. David smiled, pressing a kiss into Matteo’s hair, before relaxing as well, letting the sleep wrap around him like a warm blanket.

On the 26th, Leonie returned from her parents around lunchtime, slightly more exhausted and a lot more annoyed than before actually going there, which did worry David slightly as the holiday was supposed to be for regaining the strength and not losing more of it. He said as much to Leonie, who brushed it off, saying family Christmas was more of an obligation for her – and cringed immediately as David frowned at her, turning to apologize for Matteo, who was still nursing his coffee at the kitchen table after a late breakfast.

Matteo shrugged, gulping down some more coffee, and offered a small smile as to say there was none taken, accepting the quick half-hug Leonie wrapped him in. David wondered if Matteo was still upset by the whole cancellation thing. Apparently, Matteo’s mother had called just before Leonie had returned, but as he clearly didn’t want to talk about it, David decided not to bother him about it, trusting Matteo would tell him if he felt like it.

Soon after moving into the living room and catching up with Leonie, David got into a heated discussion about capitalism and Christmas with her, which, really, was more of them eagerly agreeing to each other’s points than an actual discussion. Soon they were joined by Hans and Laura, and then even Santeri, who went into a long ramble about how Santa Claus with a Christmas theme park was a whole brand in Finland, bringing tourism into the north all year round.

David noted that Linn and Matteo withdrew into Linn’s room, spending a long while there before coming out again, both seeming a little exhausted all of a sudden. He followed them with his gaze as Linn pecked Matteo’s cheek, who, in return, poked her side and caused her to yelp before she swatted him – unsuccessfully – with a paper she was holding, before handing it to him. David smiled to himself as the two of them joined them at the couch, Linn sitting down onto the floor and resting her head on Hans’ shoulder, and Matteo flopping himself onto David’s lap, after he carefully folded the paper that looked like a music sheet, his pocket. 

“What was that?”

“Ah, just a song I’m thinking of arranging.”

David hummed, loosely hooking his arm around Matteo’s waist and ignoring the shit-eating grin Leonie sent his way, as he tried to focus the discussion which had somehow turned into the political climate.

Later in the afternoon, the doorbell rang as Sam and Sara joined them by Leonie’s invite. They went and hugged everyone as a greeting, making David burst out laughing as he saw a slightly scandalized look on Santeri’s face, as they both hugged him without hesitation as well, despite the fact that they had never really met properly before.

“What’s his deal?” Sara whispered at David after Santeri fled into the kitchen, causing him snicker as he shook his head..

“I’ve understood he’s not much of a hugger.”

“Or a talker,” Matteo chimed in, rubbing his eyes as he reappeared from his room behind them. Matteo had retired there a while ago for a nap – David could swear Matteo would sleep constantly if given a chance – and was now holding a folder and music sheets in his hands. Sara turned to him with a delighted gasp, pulling him into a tight hug. Matteo groaned into it, and immediately stepped next to David, dropping his head on his shoulder, as Sara let go of him.

“Aren’t naps supposed to refresh you?” he asked, turning his head a little to catch Matteo’s eyes, but only seeing the messy, blond locks.

“Mhm…”

Matteo’s mumbling cause David to snort, and he decided to pull Matteo with him towards the kitchen, to get another cup of coffee in hopes of getting his energy back for the evening. Sara followed after them, not saying anything about the joined hands or Matteo basically laying on top of David whenever he was given a chance, but her eyes and smiles awfully curious whenever David happened to look at her. He just knew he’d be up for an interrogation later.

The flat turned out to be quite noisy as all nine of them occupied it, but David found himself not caring too much. Instead, he was really enjoying the commotion, laughing along with his friends. Here and there, he was met with Matteo and a soft little kiss when others couldn’t see, keeping it a little secret between them, which definitely was a cherry on top to the warmth David felt.

Another great thing was as Sam realized almost all of them were in the a cappella groups.

“We _need_ to sing Christmas songs!” she announced suddenly, pulling Matteo up from the sofa they had been sitting on, and earning a protest from him.

“Why?”

“Because we can. Do you have a piano?”

“We have a keyboard in my room,” Linn commented in, with an amused expression as Matteo shot him a betrayed look.

“Fantastic! We’re gonna start!”

Sam dragged Matteo along with her, who followed with an annoyed sigh. David and others followed after them, and David sat on Linn’s bed, Hans sitting next to him.

“It’s like a private concert,” Hans said in a low voice, winking at David, which made him snicker. He knew Matteo wasn’t really the one for a spotlight, or at least that’s what he had told him, so being put on the spot by Sam probably rubbed him the wrong way – although, to David’s surprise, he gave in.

“Fine, what do we start with?”

Sam cheered, clapping her hands as she sat down in front of the keyboard, and Matteo leaned his back onto the wall next to it.

“You remember _O Holy night_ we made for Abdi and me to sing at his parent’s Christmas party as my parents were invited as well?”

“How could I forget. Who throws a party of a thousand people at their own home, anyway?”

“It wasn’t _a thousand,_ Matteo, just their business partners and family,” Sam rolled her eyes, switching the keyboard on. “Anyway, we’ll sing that. Do you happen to have the notes still?”

“I think I do. Hold on.”

As Matteo left the room, presumably to check for the music sheets, David felt the bed shake a little as Sara, who was now sitting next to Hans and partially on Leonie’s lap that was next to her, leaned forward.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’ve been at such a fancy party? How was it? Was it fun?”

“No, it was dry as shit,” Sam laughed, shaking her head. “I swear, it was all business talk and strangers asking me and Abdi about our future careers and hinting at the future marriage and family we’d have, despite having no relationship altogether at that point.”

“A lot of expectations, huh?” Laura mumbled from across the room, sitting next to wall with Linn, something bitter swirling in her voice. David glanced at her, catching as Linn wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her against her side, pressing a kiss into Laura’s temple, and David felt a sense of relief as Laura relaxed against her side. He was utterly happy she had found Linn. Linn knew their past with their parents, and had learned to read Laura like an open book, which really came in handy in situations like this.

Before Sam got a chance to comment, Matteo returned into the room, holding a blue folder that had a cat pattern on it. Leonie smirked, commenting how cute the folder was, to which Sam replied with a loud: “Thank you, I got it for him!”

Matteo simply rolled his eyes, glancing towards David like he wanted to see his reaction. David shrugged with a smile, and made a little cat-like gesture with his fist. He knew it was a little dumb, and earned him an astonished look from Laura, but it caused Matteo to snort before turning back to his folder, so it was worth it. 

Sam got the music sheets from Matteo and set them up, then played out a few notes as to test the instrument at hand. She glanced at Matteo who nodded, and they began singing, their voices gently playing in the room. Of course, as they hadn’t played and sang it for such a long time, Sam played some things she wasn’t supposed to, Matteo jumped into the wrong key a couple of times, and both of them cracked up with everyone following after a particularly offkey part, but despite all that, David had to close his eyes and sway a little to the song. It was beautiful, and he never would’ve thought just how nicely their voices would fit together.

Afterwards, Sam played some familiar songs from memory, managing to get through them as everyone in the room sang along. Finally, David himself, as well as Leonie, Laura and Sara, sang a very exaggerated version of _In der Weihnachtsbäckerei,_ which didn’t really go down well with Santeri. In fact, it left everyone gasping for air, laughing so hard it hurt, as Santeri squawked _“what the hell was that”_ with a distraught look on his face as Hans tried to pull him in.

Inspired by the song, Hans and Laura decided on a whim to bake some _Vanillekipferl_ which both of them really missed despite the fact that everyone had basically just eaten for the past three days. David decided to not get involved, as did Matteo who was now comfortably lying against his shoulder again, while Linn and Santeri followed the enthusiastic bakers into the kitchen ‘to make sure nothing sets on fire’. Sara, Sam and Leonie stayed behind with them in the room, Sara now sitting on Sam’s lap, fiddling with her bracelet, and Leonie on the floor, constantly looking back and forward between the two pairs, with a sly smirk on her face, asking which lap would she be able to occupy. David rolled his eyes and heard Matteo make a noncommittal noise – which, really, sounded more like a snicker if you listened closely – but Sara whispered something to Sam’s ear, them then launching towards Leonie, tackling her to her back with a loud laughter, all three of them laying on the floor for the rest of the time while they talked about school and the upcoming a cappella events.

And they kept talking, until Santeri’s desperate voice echoed in the apartment.

“What the hell is _this_?!”

“Hmm, he must’ve tasted the _Vanillekipferl,_ ” Matteo hummed, shaking his head lightly. 

“Did you buy the ingredients earlier or how do you even have them for those?” David frowned, turning to look at Matteo, who now had an amused look on his face.

“We probably don’t. Pretty sure they improvised.”

“Oh _no_.”

When the 27th rolled by, it was time to burst the Christmas bubble and return to their normal lives, much to everyone’s disappointment. During the few days leading up to New Year’s Eve, David and Laura continued to stay at the flatshare.

“To soften the blow before returning to our own, sad and lonely flat and cruel reality,” in Laura’s words. 

David found it convenient as Sam and Sara had decided to stay with Leonie for a couple more days, so he worked with Sam on their assignment – although, truthfully, he was just happy to spend more time with Matteo and to live in their little bubble for just a tiny bit longer, where they could disappear into Matteo’s room, exchange a few kisses if they felt like it, and go back to others.

Although there were still a lot of people in the evenings, it was conciderably calmer now that Hans and Santeri had left to visit Santeri’s parents back in Finland, and everyone was doing more of their own thing. Sara,and Laura had their jobs to go to, while Sam, David and Leonie did their best to focus on their studies. Matteo also went to work for a day, on top of his own studying things he tried to get through, returning absolutely exhausted. He called it an early night that day, and David decided to retire with him, despite his objections – and much to his own surprise, as his own reaction to Matteo’s tiredness came out almost like it was something he had always done. And that was a little bit scary again. 

New Year’s Eve came around quickly, and before David knew it, little explosions of fireworks lit up the night sky all over the city. He and Matteo had made their way over to Abdi, Jonas and Carlos‘ place to celebrate. He was there when Matteo had told Jonas over the phone that he was bringing David with him. Jonas must have known what it meant as Matteo had ended the call shortly after. David didn’t know what bringing him to a gathering with his friends entailed for Matteo, but he knew that he and Matteo had to have a talk soon about what was going on between them. He just wanted to leave that discussion as long in the future as he could – as head over heels as he was, it terrified him to the core to let someone into his life like that.

Apparently, the boys had – after an hour-long speech on the negative impact of fireworks on the environment and people and animals‘ mental health – decided against buying any fireworks. So, they were just going to watch other people try and make as much noise as possible. David had always found fireworks a waste of money and also quite dangerous. He had once fired some off with a cousin and her dad and he had been scared for his life when the dad lit the fuse ran away from the beer crate he had deposited the fireworks in.

The evening started out with Matteo banning everyone but Jonas from the kitchen space as he cooked his famous _pasta alla Luigi_ , which made Carlos, Abdi, and him sit around awkwardly in the adjoined living room. But Matteo’s friends were nothing if not welcoming. They also had a suprising lot in common, and he had just assured Carlos that he was free to come to any queer event they had at uni and that no-one would bat an eye as long as he was in the company of a student.

Matteo had warned him that there would be a lot of teasing involved, but so far, David had mostly been spared. However, Jonas and Matteo were speaking quietly in the kitchen, and judging from the amount of times David had heard Matteo groan out, it seemed like Matteo was out of luck on that front. After some more chatting with the boys, this time about the merits of having multiple frames when you had to wear glasses anyway – Abdi’s passion, apparently – a delicious smell traveled over from the kitchen. A few minutes later, Matteo announced that they were ready to eat and that they should get their asses over to get the table ready. David, along with Abdi, lay the plates on the table and Carlos went to fetch some wine glasses, almost dropping one on Jonas‘ head. Jonas evidently took his revenge: Carlos’ yelp echoed through the space as he came to the table, rubbing his butt.

They all sat down at the rickety table that Jonas, Abdi and Carlos had definitely gotten from a second hand store – or simply stolen on the day people could put out their old household items – and Matteo gave them all a portion of food, telling them to help themselves to some grated parmesan or tzatziki sauce if they wanted. The food smelled heavenly, and it promised to be just as tasteful as Matteo’s _peperonata_. After taking their first bite in silence, they all made their enjoyment of the food clear with pleased noises.

“Luigi, you really made this to impress, huh,” Abdi said with his mouth full of pasta and tomato sauce, wiggling his eyebrows at Matteo.

Indeed, the food was delicious and had a lot of olives, which David enjoyed immensely. 

“Yeah, it’s almost like you wanted to really get into good graces with one of us,” Carlos added. “And I mean, we’re all hot, so who could blame you.”

“I’m sure Luigi has just one person he’s keen on,” Jonas said, adding more fuel to the fire with a smug smile on his face, and David almost choked on the olive he was chewing on. It looked like Matteo’s friends were as menacing as David’s.

“Fuck all of you,” Matteo mumbled, burying his face in his hands and slouching deeper in his chair. David had a hunch where this conversation was going, and was not entirely pleased with it, so he tried to ignore it by taking a second helping and not looking up from his plate while he ate.

“It’s not like you’ve done this a lot before.”

Abdi shook his head and Carlos and Jonas nodded.

“Well, there was this one time…”

“No, we’re not talking about that,” Matteo stated loudly.

Abdi ignored him and continued, looking at David conspiratorially: “Luigi was so drunk, and he was hanging off this one guy…”

“Come on, Abdi, we want more of _pasta alla Luigi_. It’s been a really long time since we had it last and Matteo looks like he’s about to instate a lifelong ban.”

Carlos looked genuinely concerned and Abdi relented, although he still had a very teasing look in his eyes. David felt out of place as he didn’t know any of the stories or references the boys alluded to; nonetheless, he was amused by the fact that Matteo looked borderline scandalized.

“Luigi, it’s nice to see you happy again. It’s just that not all of us are able to express our feelings _that_ directly,” Jonas said, looking accusingly at Abdi, who feigned innocence and forked some more food in his mouth.

David stuffed some more of the scrumptious pasta into his mouth, eyeing back and forth between the guys and wondering where the nickname came from. He was sure it had something to do with Matteo’s Italian heritage, but he wasn’t about to embarrass Matteo even more.

“Thanks guys, ’preciate it.” Matteo said with his mouth full, rolling his eyes at the grins directed at him, and glancing at David with something in his expression that seemed almost shy to David. He tried to smile warmly at Matteo, but the whole conversation threw him off a bit as Matteo’s friends seemed to assume all kinds of things about what was going on between them. Nonetheless, he did his best to push it down. 

After some chatter and some more lighthearted teasing, they were all done eating and retired to the more intact couch in the living room, abandoning the dishes to the sink with Abdi claiming he’d do them the day after while Jonas voiced that he was highly sceptical about it. With Laura, David had the New Year’s Eve tradition of pouring hot wax into water and interpreting the shapes with a guide he had been able to save from his childhood things. This year, Laura decided to go with Linn to her parents after David had reassured her that he would be fine with spending New Year’s Eve apart. Leonie, Sara and Sam were going out together and had asked him if he wanted to join, but he’d rather not fourth wheel their well-oiled trio. And lastly, Mohammed, Amira and her brothers had decided to just do a cozy stay-in with their families, and as he wasn’t feeling like going to a huge party this year, the queer event he had been invited to had also been out of the question. But he didn’t want to spend the evening all alone, so when Matteo had asked if he wanted to join in on a chill evening with a few of his friends, David had said yes. 

Carlos got out his childhood trumpet, and Jonas took a pair of bongos from their shelf. They were apparently planning on welcoming the new year by screaming their hearts out to the streets and were warming up by doing a jam session, Abdi accompanying them by beatboxing. And it was no wonder, as a bunch of musicians together could really start jamming at any point in David’s experience. Matteo was leaning against his front as they were sitting on the couch, his legs pulled up and feet resting on the seat. Over the course of the session, Matteo sank lower and lower until his head was resting in David’s lap. David couldn’t help but card his fingers through Matteo’s hair, marveling at the state of disarray it was constantly in. When the jamming morphed into a well-known German song, David joined in and even Matteo sat up straighter to clap his hands and sing along.

David realized how much of an old soul Jonas was when he switched on the classical radio station to listen to a soothing male voice countdown to the New Year. Outside, a few people apparently had a different count down and had already started shooting their fireworks. Jonas and Carlos were standing there, their instruments deposited on the couch to take with them when the time came. Abdi had gone into the kitchen to get a metal pot and a wooden spoon to have a noisemaker, while he and Matteo had opted to just scream or clap. They all had a beer bottle at the ready to toast for the new year. 

When the male radio host wished them a very subdued _Happy New Year_ , they clinked their bottles together and let out a few delighted screams. Then, they gathered their instruments – and pot and spoon – and ran down the stairs. Outside it was quite cold, probably below zero, and the air was already filled with clouds of smoke as people with small children or not a lot of patience had already been igniting fireworks since the sun had gone down at four. The smoke made it hard to see, but closeby, a bunch of people their age had placed a whole battery of fireworks on the ground and were firing them one by one. 

As they had gotten out of the door, a rocket had gone slightly crooked and soared past them, luckily not hitting anything. In retaliation, Abdi took out his phone and put on _Never Gonna Give You Up_ , which was accompanied with him singing, Carlos trumpeting away, and Jonas going wild on his bongos. Matteo just smiled at them and put his arm around David’s waist, and as much as David enjoyed being close to Matteo, his doubts about how fast they were going and how much he might regret it all wouldn’t leave him alone. 

They had opted to stand against the wall of the house, looking at the fireworks erupting in the sky all over the neighborhood and beyond. Taking David’s hands, Matteo turned them both around and pushed him against the wall. He had a little pleased smile on his lips, and was looking at David expectantly, the irises of his eyes reflecting the fireworks going off behind them. When David didn’t react immediately, dread still clouding his thoughts, Matteo planted a small kiss on his lips. 

“Happy New Year,” Matteo whispered. 

David hummed in response and Matteo took his hands out of David’s hold so he could sling his arms around his neck instead. They felt heavier than they had done in their previous make out sessions. David ignored it, determined to focus on what they had right there, and sunk into the kiss, closing his eyes. Around them, the explosions continued, and Matteo’s friends were now playing _Like A Virgin_.

After another _touched for the very first time_ , Jonas’ voice was directed at them: “Hey, lovebirds, would you be so kind as to stop locking lips and join us? I know you’re inseparable and all that, but we’d like to sing together.”

They did separate, and Matteo nervously scratched at his neck. 

“We can go if you’ve had enough of these idiots,” he whispered, and David realised he had been frowning angrily in Jonas’ direction. 

“Only if you want to,” David replied.

When Matteo confessed that he was feeling rather tired because of the loud noises and excitement, David said out loud that they would get going now.

The boys stopped making noise and came over to say their goodbyes. Jonas pulled Matteo into a hug and whispered something in his ear. Abdi and Carlos both assuredly shook David’s hand after enthusiastically bro-hugging Matteo and slapping his back. Jonas was last, and he gave David a short hug, nodding at him in parting and narrowing his eyes. He knew this meant _mess with Matteo, mess with me._ David tried to smile back in a friendly way. The boys screamed nonsense at them when they began walking away, most notably Abdi, who tried to say something about them enjoying the rest of their night, but he was silenced by Jonas nudging at his back with his bongos.

On their way to the U-Bahn, Matteo took David’s hand. They were both wearing gloves, and it felt like the two layers of fabric were keeping them apart. In reality, it was so much more that kept them apart. The situation right now wasn’t going to last, as David _knew_ Matteo wanted something more. And it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with Matteo, but the idea of dating – putting on a label of ‘boyfriends’ on what they had – was simply too heavy for him to stomach. He knew he wouldn’t be able to give Matteo what he wanted, which was a partner who was around all the time, not without losing his independence. And that was something he couldn’t afford giving up.

A sudden urge to let go of Matteo’s hand and run came over him. Not home, just run through the city that was still lit up by fireworks. To clear his head. But he fought it off once more, just for the night. He was still going home with Matteo tonight, as he had promised, but he desperately needed some space to think about how he was going to do this. How he could keep himself from slipping into this comfortable situation which could be pulled from under his feet whenever Matteo decided he had enough of David’s issues. 

David sighted deeply. Tonight, he would let Matteo sleep in his arms once more and pull him close, listening to his sound snuffles. In the morning, he would leave early and refocus. It sounded easy, but somehow it still felt so incredibly difficult.

He felt Matteo softly squeeze his hand. Above them, a street light flickered. There was a small crack, almost inaudible over the fireworks, and then the bulb went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! So, the slowburn is no more! Or is it? What did you think about David's thoughts?  
> All kudos and comments are dearly appreciated ❤
> 
> The weekly updating playlist to go with the chapter can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA)! This time with some christmas-themed but also just soft music :)


	7. It’s raining, raining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are with another chapter, as promised! It's no bed of roses, but when is life ever? 
> 
> We also offer you a small snippet, as always:  
>  _“We need to talk.”_  
>  _Her voice was stern, and David knew there would be no arguing with her. She took off her coat and shoes and sat down at the kitchen table, her legs spread wide and her arms crossed._  
>  _“Sit. Take that carrot with you if you want.”_  
>  _David hadn’t even realized he was holding it. He shut the fridge door, and quickly gave it a rinse, rubbing it dry with a towel, before he sat down._  
>  _“So.” Laura pursed her lips, her eyes stormy. “Care to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me and basically everyone else?”_

There were drawings strewn everywhere. They were lying on top of pages upon pages of lesson plans and education theory, streaked with marks from different colored pens. David was staring at his laptop, fingers buried in his hair. He had three different portfolios to finish until the beginning of February, as well as an outline for one of his bigger papers due in the following week, but it neither the portfolios nor the outline seemed to be getting anywhere. On top of that, Laura had spent the first half of the day arguing loudly on the phone with someone and had refused to tell David what it was about, but it had distracted him from his work nonetheless. He guessed it was their landlord, who had refused to fix the broken sink in their bathroom because some parts were hard to get, and Laura had been trying to get him on the phone ever since they had come back from their week-long stint at Matteo’s.

Their last night together on New Year’s, his own thoughts and doubts had been almost overwhelming. David had still followed Matteo home on the first of January and slept next to him. It had been quite easy, seen as Matteo fell asleep almost immediately after his head hit the pillow, not caring about the firework explosions that could be loudly heard from outside. David had lain awake until they were few and far between. He had realized that, for the first time, he had no real new year’s resolutions. The last month had just flown by, and David hadn’t really thought about what this new year could mean to him. And lying there, his head spinning from everything he had on his mind, he still couldn’t figure it out.

They hadn’t really met up after January began, both too busy with end-of-semester stuff and preparations for papers. Matteo told him he also needed to decide on a subject for his bachelor’s thesis and David had basically been drowning in his work since the beginning of the year, doing his best to keep up the pace to finish in time. At first, a steady stream of texts came from Matteo, but as they moved into the second week of January, they got less and less as Matteo became buried in his projects. David had been very slow to respond.

He never had any serious relationships. They required a lot of effort and compromise that David wasn’t ready for, he just wanted to finally live his life the way he wanted. No other person – well, except for his sister, when it came to their living situation and his spending – could dictate what he did with his time. 

Sure, human connection was meaningful, and human touch essential. But wasn’t that what friends were for? And the sex, he could get that from a one-night stand. That needed a lot of communication during, sure, but afterwards you didn’t have the hassle of having to discuss it or stay over. Or spend more time with the person and risk anything more. 

His time with Matteo had been the opposite. They had just kissed, and that was a very different kind of intimacy than the one David was used to – something he had rarely experienced before. They had talked a lot about themselves and how they saw the world. When he thought about it honestly, he realized that Matteo had really become one of his best friends. The uncertainty about how it would change if they became something more terrified David to the core.

So, while Matteo was busy with his own stuff, David had tapered off his usual messages that were a running commentary of the things he experienced and saw. Matteo was so woven into his daily routine, even if it was messages on whatsapp. He had so many pictures in his camera roll that were taken to get a smile out of Matteo, sometimes even a selfie of Matteo’s goofy grin. The one where he pushed out his chin and pulled back the corners of his lips – the slightly chapped lips that had softly kissed his own two weeks ago. 

But he couldn’t dwell on that now. Focus. He needed to focus. That art portfolio wasn’t going to draw and write itself. Pushing his hand into his hair, pulling lightly at the strands, he tried to snap himself back into reality. He took a deep breath, rummaged through some stacked papers and pulled out a half-finished sketch, frowning at it and reaching out for his pencil case. From there, he dug out his trustiest pencil and started shading in the little figure, which seemed to have a messy mop of hair and a button nose.

The last thing that David needed – on top of the already rather uncontrollable mess that was apparently his life – was the realisation that his external hard drive was nowhere to be found, which was no big deal, seeing it had only approximately 60% of the material he needed for the portfolios he had been working on. After suffering a short meltdown and turning his room around three times, the neat stacks of paper he had been creating over the last few hours falling into disarray again, he frantically thought about the possible places he could have left it, and there were just too many places: the library, at one of his lecture halls, that one coffee shop he had went to work with Leonie, the other coffee shop Mohammed had dragged him to and the name of which he didn’t remember...

Then, it hit him. He had packed the hard drive when he went to stay at the flatshare during the holiday, in hopes of actually getting something done with the portfolio over the break. The plan was obviously doomed right from the start, but he still took the thing with him, and if he really focused on what he might’ve done with it, he was pretty he put it on one of Matteo’s drawers. _So I won’t lose it_ , he remembered saying. So much for that, now. David pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing deeply. The day had barely started and he was already done enough to go to bed and try again the next day.

David dug out his phone, opening his last conversation with Matteo, cringing at the last discussion they had had a few days ago:

JANUARY 8, 13:11

_hey, what are you doing today?_

JANUARY 9, 01:36

 _Oh, sorry, pretty busy with school rn._ _  
_ _What did you have in mind?_

03:02

_nvm, don’t worry about it_

10:05

_Ok, another day?_

11:24

_sure, hmu whenever_

David never had. He knew he should have. He could have arranged the time if he really put his mind to it, but he didn’t because he was a coward. Well, maybe not a coward, but his thoughts were still a tangled mess as he hadn’t really had time to sit down and figure it all out. But he did find himself missing Matteo, here and there, throughout the day, thinking about how he was and what he was doing. He was driving himself nuts.

After contemplating on notifying Matteo about him dropping by, he finally decided against it, thinking that if Matteo wasn’t at home, it might even be beneficial for their current situation – whatever they were. So, David pulled on his coat and headed out, only just missing the train that would have taken him to the flatshare, and freezing while waiting for the second one, as he had thrown on rather thin layer of clothes in his hurry.

The train finally arrived, packed full with no room to sit, and David accepted his faith, squeezing himself in between the people and clinging to a pole to keep his balance. The 30-minute ride was very uncomfortable: people shouted over each other while chatting, someone kept full on screaming into their phone, and a little child was crying somewhere further away in the carriage. David was relieved to get off the train and get some air, as well as a moment of silence after suffering from the ridiculously clamorous bunch of commuters, but at the same time he was uneasy, in the knowledge that he’d actually have to show up on Matteo’s doorstep and collect the hard drive, after days of radio silence.

He took a deep breath and directed his steps towards the flatshare, already mulling over what to say and how to act – which was ridiculous, really, because he and Matteo had basically lived in each other’s pockets during Christmas break, he’d been very good friends with Leonie for some time now, and he saw Linn regularly as she was Laura’s girlfriend. And yet, here he was, planning out his words on how to get his hard drive back.

David sighed deeply, and ran his hands through his hair as he stopped at the front door of the apartment building. He stared at the buzzer for a moment before pushing it, the shrill ring of it echoing in the doorway. After some time, the speaker clicked.

“Hello?”

Despite the very bad and crackling sound, David could tell it was Leonie, which oddly made him even more nervous.

“Uh, hi. It’s David. I left my external hard drive at your place on Christmas and thought I could fetch it as I was– I was passing by.”

“You were just passing by despite living in _Wilmersdorf_?”

Leonie sounded utterly unconvinced and David silently cursed himself over the clumsy fib as well as Leonie’s in-built lie detector that really never let her down. She would be a fantastic lawyer. And an even better attorney if she so chose.

“I– Yeah, something like that,” David sighed. It was silent for a moment and then the door buzzer came on, and David pulled the front door open, making his way upstairs. Leonie was at the door waiting for him, with a little smirk on his lips.

“Your lover boy is in Linn’s room,” she said immediately as David was at the earshot, muffled piano playing carrying out from the apartment. David simply rolled his eyes.

“Hi, Leonie. I’m good, how are you?”

Leonie snickered, turning on her feet and walked back into the apartment. David stepped in and caught her with an arm around Sara’s waist, pulling her into Leonie’s room, before Leonie shut the door behind them. David squinted, wondering if he could make some countering blackmailing material on that – although Leonie had never been one to budge under teasing.

David took off his shoes, placing them next to the shoe rack as he was only planning on a short visit, and headed towards Linn’s room, the piano playing getting louder. He knocked shortly and opened the door, half expecting to find Laura sitting behind the piano as Linn and Matteo listened. It was quite a surprise to find only Matteo sitting behind the piano, playing a song David didn’t recognize with skilled hands. He froze for a moment, just to take it in. The song was amazing, in all its heaviness, but mostly he was confused as he never knew Matteo played anything. Finally he snapped out of his thoughts, and knocked on the door frame again, this time a bit louder to get Matteo’s attention. Matteo jumped and stopped playing, turning his head. As he saw David, something dark flashed in his eyes, and David did his best to stop a grimace from appearing on his face.

“Hey,” David said, trying to smile, but knowing it didn’t really reach his eyes. Matteo didn’t even try to return in, and back turned to his music sheets.

“Didn’t know you’re gonna drop by,” Matteo said, his tone flat. This time David actually grimaced and scratched the back of his neck.

“Yeah, uh… I left my hard drive here at Christmas and I need it for my portfolio, so.”

“Oh. If you’d texted, I could have brought it. You don’t exactly live around the corner.” 

Despite Matteo’s face being neutral – almost infuriatingly so – his voice had an edge to it, and David did his hardest not to bite back, his first instinct being to jump into defending himself. He swallowed, and kept his eyes on Matteo, who still didn’t lift his gaze to look at David, but opted to look at his notes as he stacked them away into the folder that had been lying on the floor. The air between them felt heavy and tense, and was far from the lightness and joy David was used to feeling when he was with Matteo.

“Didn’t know you played,” David nodded at the keyboard, trying to change the topic in hopes of steering the conversation into a different direction

“Didn’t know you cared.”

No such luck, as Matteo seemed to be in quite a gloomy mood. Half of David wanted to hear what was the cause of it, maybe even fix it if he could, but on the other hand, the winning side of him was slowly slipping into being rather pissed off. Because that comment was a bit uncalled for.

“Of course I care,” David scoffed, crossing his arms, and frowned as Matteo snorted silently but didn’t respond further. Instead, Matteo stood up with his folder, brushing past David and heading for his own room. David turned on his heels and followed after him, stepping into Matteo’s room, leaving the door open behind him.

“In the dresser.”

Matteo gestured vaguely at a dresser sitting in the corner of the room whose top drawer stood open before dropping onto his chair by the desk, opening his computer. David walked over to the open drawer, some weight lifting off of his shoulders as he picked up the black, rectangular hard drive and slipped it into his pocket with a sigh. He glanced at Matteo, who had turned to his computer but didn’t actually seem to be doing anything with it. David really had to go. He had his portfolios to finish, and time wasn’t really on his side as this journey to the flatshare had taken him longer than he could afford. And yet, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, the whole air between them so uncomfortable and stiff.

“What’s up?”

Matteo peeked at him from the corner of his eye before turning back to his computer, clicking something on the screen.

“Why do you ask?”

“Because you seem upset.”

At that, Matteo actually huffed out a laugh and shook his head, spinning around in his chair to face David.

“I’m a sad person. It’s been a bad day. A bad week. A bad year, if you will.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” David sighed, frowning and crossing his arms again to get a little bit of comfort – and maybe to create a make-believe barrier between himself and Matteo, who now seemed angry.

“What did you mean, then? You haven’t asked me _once_ how I was doing after bolting on New Year’s.”

Matteo’s expression crumbled a little, such a glaring hurt tone in his voice it made David flinch a little.

“I just– I’ve been busy.”

“Haven’t we all. Doesn’t turn us all into an asshole, though.”

“Now that’s bold, coming from you,” David snapped before he could stop himself, now feeling the pressure and anger slowly boiling over. Matteo narrowed his eyes at him.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re being a fucking dick for no reason.”

“You have the nerve to say it’s for no reason? After seemingly disappearing from the face of the earth for weeks after everything that happened over Christmas? And then you– you just strut in, without notifying me, like nothing happened? What the fuck is your deal?”

And that David did deserve, all of it was true, but it didn’t really matter as the anger swirled faster and louder in him, roaring loudly and scorching his insides. He clenched his fists, pulling his crossed arms tighter against himself.

“Since when do I have to be accountable to you?” David spat out the words, his shoulders tensing up as if he was getting ready for physically defending himself. Matteo let out a frustrated groan, rubbing his palms over his face quickly.

“Accounta– You’re not _accountable_ to me, that’s not what I meant, I–”

“Well, what the fuck did you mean then? Last time I checked, we weren’t a unit.”

“You know what I meant, David, you’re not that fucking dense.”

“Well, maybe I am. Maybe I am a dense jerk who–”

“I thought we had something between us!”

Matteo’s words cut through the air, leaving David speechless for a moment, as the truth was now laid before him. The familiar panic rose its head from under the anger.

“We never discussed that,” David said, now more quiet. His mouth felt dry all of a sudden, like it was full of sawdust. He swallowed thickly.

“Didn’t know we needed to have a discussion about whether we had anything going on. Didn’t seem necessary when we poured our hearts out in the dark and ate each other’s faces on the couch.”

Hurt spread across Matteo’s face his anger seeping out of him like he had lost his will to fight. Like he didn’t want to have this fight. David didn’t either, but couldn’t help himself as he continued.

“That’s the thing, you just assumed. I don’t–”

“Fucking hell, David. I’m not an idiot. Cut the bullshit!”

Matteo’s raised voice echoed in the room as he jumped up, taking a few steps towards David. David took on back as a response, then another, and then went to turn around, too many thoughts going through his head.

“I can’t do this right now, I have to go–”

David was stopped by Matteo, who gripped at his wrist tightly.

“No, stop. Why the fuck do you always run from things that have the slightest possibility of bringing something nice into your life?”

David snatched his hand back with a little more force than needed, Matteo’s words burning holes through him like hot coal; they were echoing something he had admitted to him, one dark night when it felt like even a whisper was too loud for the bubble they were in, laying side by side and staring into the blackness of the room.

“I don’t know, Matteo! Why the fuck do you cling to people like it’s your last resort and try to hold them even tighter when they push you away?

David’s shout made Matteo step back, and he regretted his words the moment they left his lips – and even more so when he saw the stunned expression on Matteo’s face. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, to fix it immediately, but a knock at the door startled him, making him spin around. He met Leonie’s eyes, Sara standing behind her, a frown on her face.

“Everything okay?” Leonie asked slowly, looking back and forth between them as she crossed her arms.

“He was just leaving.”

Matteo’s voice was much quieter than before and sounded a bit strained to David’s ears. He bit down, guilt mixing with anger that still made his fingertips tingle, Matteo’s earlier words ringing in his ears like an accusation.

“Yeah. Sorry for disturbing you,” David said, glancing at both girls, nodding to thim in lieu of saying goodbye and walking out of the room. He couldn’t make himself turn around and look at Matteo’s face – the disappointment and pain in his eyes he was sure to see too hard to look at. Even more so, he couldn’t bear to see it because he would have had to accept it was his own doing. So he fled. And maybe he was a coward, after all.

Over the next days, David just didn’t manage to get Matteo’s hurt voice out of his head. He had tried to let his frustration with the way he handled their argument fuel his assignment work, but it was more of a hindrance. He was sure his wall had little dents from when he'd hit it, as the frustration needed way to get out somehow. The stacks of paper on his desk, which he had organized and reorganised into different piles in an attempt to order his thoughts, were now joined by several books, as his instructors had told them the importance of reading the texts and not just skimming through them via online resources. And a few times, he’d had to refrain himself from chucking the rather hefty Montessori tome against the wall.

He hadn’t met up with Sam as they had finally gotten their project finished and sent off to their professor in the previous week. His days consisted of going to class – not talking to anyone if he could help it –, taking the train home, doing stuff for class and other assignments, trying and failing to find ideas for his upcoming thesis project, and going for long, _long_ late night runs. He had been avoiding the gym as well, as he was sure Mohammed would instantly see something was wrong and fuss over him like the wonderful person that he was. Or he might even have heard something about his spat with Matteo through Amira. David just wasn’t ready for any scolding or pity from his friends. 

None of his other close friends had messaged him either, Leonie not even proposing they study together at the library – which he couldn’t really blame her for, taken that she saw the whole scene play out at the flatshare. He was also not in the mood for any queer events, even though they were showing a movie he really wanted to see. Who would even want to go see it with him when he was probably just going to tear the cinematography to shreds with his pretentious film criticism that he had picked up from too many youtube essays.

Laura had tried to get him to talk ever since he came back; Linn or Leonie had probably told her some of what had gone down. He had ignored his sister’s spiteful stare and not shared any meals with her, sleeping until she left the house for work and buying something to eat before he came home from class. He was being an avoidant idiot. He was well aware of it, and yet, he couldn’t really stop himself. Every night, he tried to do some mindfulness exercises just to have a fleeting peace of mind, but failed every time.

Now, it was the fourth evening since he had gotten home from Matteo’s; they had practice, and David already had all his excuses ready for why he couldn’t attend. He hadn’t heard Laura come home yet, so the coast was clear to get himself some leftovers or vegetables from the kitchen. He opened the fridge and was rummaging through it, considering his options, when he heard a pointed cough from behind him.

Laura was standing in the doorway, still wearing her jacket. David cursed himself that he hadn’t heard her come in, but he realized immediately what was to come.

“We need to talk.”

Her voice was stern and David knew there would be no arguing with her. She took off her coat and shoes and sat down at the kitchen table, her legs spread wide and her arms crossed.

“Sit. Take that carrot with you if you want.”

David hadn’t even realized he was holding it. He shut the fridge door and quickly gave it a rinse, rubbing it dry with a towel, before he sat down.

“So,” Laura pursed her lips, her eyes stormy.

“Care to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me and basically everyone else?”

She sniffed, swallowed, and then continued: “And don’t even think about going the _you’re not my mom_ route, because we both know that leads to nothing. I am not and never will be like our mother, and thank goodness for that. But I live here with you, _my brother_ , and your behaviour has been downright concerning these past days, no, weeks if I’m being honest.”

David kept his mouth shut, not really sure how to comment. She was right, of course. The longer he stayed silent, though, the more she seemed to get frustrated. Finally, she motioned with a hand at him.

“Well?”

David bit off a piece of his carrot. The cracking from his chewing and the soft droning from the fridge were the only noises in the room.

“I’ve been stressed with uni stuff.”

“Bullshit. You’ve been on top of your work all semester,” Laura countered.

“You don’t know about that. I could be failing for all you care.”

Laura had never told him what to do with his university matters. She always told him that it was his business, so why would she start with it when he was in his second to last semester?

“I don’t care about your grades, I care about _you_. David, you’re a grown man, but that doesn’t mean you have to hide when things get bad. Also, avoiding me is not a good strategy, mind you. I first thought you were pissed at me or something.”

Laura rubbed at her arm, shaking her head at him. David swallowed thickly, the carrot leaving a tangy taste on his tongue.

“I’m not, again, it’s just a lot right now. I’m not up for socializing, that’s all. Fuck, I don’t think I can attend practice tonight because of my work.”

“Yeah, hold up. No way. You need to get out of your room, and not to go on one of your late-night bouts of exercise. God, it’s like you are trying to outrun something. Are you?”

David huffed.

“That’s none of your business. I’ll sort that out myself. And you can’t force me to attend, you know.”

Laura pressed her lips into a thin line and inhaled deeply.

“No, but as your sister, I think I can voice my concerns.”

Her expression softened.

“Please, David, I need you to attend. I know you’re not feeling up to it, but you have wonderful ideas when it comes to song choices and we are really stuck with that benefit concert thing.”

David took another bite of carrot, chewed loudly and then relented: “Alright. I’ll come. But as soon as it’s over, I’m going back home. No socializing. I’ll do that when all of this is over.”

Laura stood up and put her hand on his shoulder, looking intently into his eyes.

“I’ll take it. But please talk to me about whatever it is that’s troubling you, and soon, okay?”

Then, she smirked.

“You would have had a hard time staying away from practice, anyway. We’re doing it here.”

David scowled, but didn’t say anything. He simply bit his lip and nodded. Feeling even smaller, he retreated to his room to get some more stuff done before they started.

A few hours later, people started arriving at their flat. David opened the door for Sara and Leonie, Sara giving him a quick peck on the cheek as a hello, and Leonie simply brushing past him. David caught her hand, trying to exchange a few words, apologize, anything really, to fix the situation from a few days before. Leonie snatched her hand back with nothing but a snarled _fix it_ before walking to the living room, leaving David with an urge to hit his forehead against the wall.

David moved into the living room as well, choosing to stay in the corner of the room, and leaned on a wall. Mohammed, who had arrived a while ago, sent glances at his direction every once in a while like he was checking if he was still present. He also smiled every time he caught David’s eye and David finally had to smile back. He was grateful for his friend being so understanding and patient, no matter the fact that David sort of ditched him after New Year’s. He’d have to explain himself later, sure, but for now he just appreciated the space.

Finally, the whole group had gathered in the living room for the extra meetup – or _emergency rendezvous_ , as Laura had called it. The thing was, they needed a song for the charity event that was going to be in no less than two months. Laura had already been climbing the walls for days, getting constantly more anxious to start the arrangement so they’d have plenty of time to go over it. Now even Omar, who was usually laid back and had learned an immense amount of patience while working with kids, was looking a bit worried. They had been throwing around ideas in their group’s whatsapp chat and during the past couple of rehearsals, but nothing seemed to stick as the suggestions all seemed worn out or didn’t have anything to do with the theme. 

“Why can’t we just use one of our old songs?” Mohammed sighed out, after approximately a dozen suggestions had been already rejected because a variety of reasons. He was slouched on the sofa and threw his head back, seeming utterly done with the situation which was quite new as David couldn’t really remember a time he would’ve been annoyed with anything – probably another thing to thank the work in the kindergarten for.

“Because we are ambitious, fresh, and not boring,” Laura snapped, jumping up from her place on the floor, and started pacing around the living room while further messing up her curly hair that already stuck out in pretty much every direction due to her ruffling it up in her frustration.

“You sound like a geriatric trying to convince people how _cool_ and _hip_ you are,” David commented, really feeling the exhaustion of trying to come up with stuff, which earned him a pointed look from Laura.

“I just really want to come up with something new! How about _Boys in the Street_? You could sing that, David.”

“What?”

“You know, the one from _A Great Big World_.”

“ _What_? No way I’m going up that stage singing a tearjerker about our homophobic, dead dad who had a change of heart just before passing,” David scoffed, crossing his arms.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know your dad was dead,” Sara frowned and looked at David, her expression suddenly a bit sad. David quickly shook his hand in a dismissive manner.

“No, no. He’s not dead, and that’s the point.”

“Unfortunately so.”

“ _Laura.”_

“ _What_ I’m done being at their whim them after everything that’s happened,” Laura stated, mirroring David’s crossed arms and leveling him with a look. And honestly, David couldn’t really disagree with her, either, not after everything they had been through with their parents, but their father had tried to make an effort, and even if it didn’t earn him forgiveness, David was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“Well, I’m still not going to sing and pretend it is so,” he settled on saying, sighing and running a hand through his hair.

“How about an easy way out? Laura, you could sing _I Kissed a Girl_ ,” Omar suggested, looking down into the notebook where he had been listing all the suggested songs – and striking them through every time they were turned down.

“No offence, but that’s a horrible cliché and I’d rather bite my arm off than arrange that,” Laura wrinkled her nose, earning a snort from Sara.

“Leonie?”

Omar turned to Leonie, apparently trying to muster up his best, convincing puppy eyes, but David could tell by just glancing at Leonie he was failing even before trying.

“No offence, but that’s a horrible cliché and I’d rather fuck a man than sing that,” she deadpanned, earning a roomful of laughter, mixed with shock, surprise, and pure amusement. Sara, who was now on Leonie’s lap again, squawked and turned to her with wide eyes, then narrowing them in doubt.

“Would you though?”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures. And who knows, there might just be a man out there to shake me out of my diehard dykeness!”

“Don’t use that word,” Laura scowled, a bit of a whine in her voice.

“Do we have to get into this conversation again?” Leonie bit back immediately, looking like she was ready to stand up for herself as much as needed.

“Oi, you bunch of buffoons! Hear me out!”

Essam’s voice cut through the bickering loud enough to make Laura and Leonie go silent, and for everyone to turn to them. They had been sitting to the side, not really contributing to the conversation, so them raising their voice really came as a surprise. Essam could be loud and silly, and half of the time it seemed like they didn’t take anything seriously, so it was rare to see them standing up and going so far as to silence everyone. Although, the days trying to come up with a song and the pressure it had brought on them had shown different sides of everyone — ones you didn’t think you’d ever see.

“ _Waving Through A Window._ ”

David frowned, the name of the song not ringing any bells for him, and as he glanced around, everyone else seemed just as confused. Everyone but Sara, who perked up.

“Oh! That’s a good one!” she grinned. Leonie glanced at Sara and then at Essam, shaking her head a bit.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“It’s from a musical,” Essam stated, digging out their phone from their pocket. “Wait, I’ll play it for you.”

“It’s from _Dear Evan Hansen_ ,” Sara continued, her voice getting even more excited. “A great musical, and a fantastic song! It would work very well as an a cappella version. And—“

Sara was cut off by the music playing from Essam’s phone. They turned up the volume, raising the phone a bit so the song could be heard better. David focused on the song, letting his eyes cast down to the floor absentmindedly as he listened to the words and melody. Sara was right. The song would work perfectly for their group. It had a very nice melody with just enough variety for them to play with. 

As the song came to its finish, David looked around again, and could see the same thought/the same feeling in the others’ eyes. They all liked it. It was their style, had a nice musical vibe, and Laura and Omar seemed to be already turning the melody in their head to make it _theirs_. The lyrics sounded very good as well, as David noted right away, and had a few parts that could be nicely emphasized with proper supporting melodies. There was also this very first part of the song, that had stuck to his brain.

_I've learned to slam on the brake_

_Before I even turn the key_

His fight with Matteo played in his head for a short moment, the way he had lashed out to Matteo, and guilt already churned in his stomach like an ache. He was very close to just going back and apologizing, but at the same time, he was still pissed off and kind of panicking, so he decided it’d be best to think about it after they had settled with a song. Besides, he was still wondering about one thing regarding this particular piece. David cleared his throat.

“Who’d be the lead?” he asked, jumping straight to the point. Essam didn’t bat an eye while answering: “Me.”

David raised his eyebrows, glancing at Laura, who turned to look at Omar, who was looking at Essam with confusion on his face. As people stayed quiet, Essam seemed to panic a bit.

“Okay, I know– I _know_ it sounds weird, but hear me out?”

Essam told the group how the song had hit them in a way they hadn’t expected it to. They explained nervously that, as they were nonbinary, they felt like the odd one out in most of the places they went to. How they hated being called “Mr. Mahmood” and felt like they stood out like a sore thumb with their blue hair and colourful clothes, and how questions people asked weren’t only ignorant, but many times rude. As they continued their explanation, and told how safe they felt with their group, and how they felt they could be themself with the group, David found himself wondering that there were so many similarities with Essam and his younger self. There was so much he could relate to in Essam’s story, and he almost wanted to kick himself for never sitting down with them to talk about these things.

As Essam finished, people were quiet, smiling fondly at them. Omar was on the verge of tears, pulling Essam into a tight hug. Sara also wiped her eyes, as Leonie hugged her a bit closer, and David also felt like his throat was closing up a bit. Laura was the first to clear her throat, also wiping her eyes, and seemingly determined to fight the tears that kept gathering in the corners of her eyes.

“Thank you, Essam, for sharing that all,” she started, smiling warmly at them as they quickly rubbed their eyes as well, while Omar kept them firmly against his side with an arm around their shoulder.

“I think we all agree that this is by far the best suggestion out of all, as well as the most important story to tell,” Laura continued, looking around. David nodded immediately, others doing the same.

“I’ve never been a lead, though, and it’s a big event,” Essam mumbled, biting their lip. “I mean, I know how to beatbox, but singing is a bit…”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. You’ve never lead any of our songs!”

Laura seemed almost surprised by this information, but it was true – in the year that they had had the group, Essam had not once stepped forward to say they wanted to be the lead vocalist. And it made sense, now that David thought about it, as they were a little uncertain about their singing, as well as dreading to be the one to be in the spotlight.

“You do have a good voice. One of us could teach you?” Leonie spoke up, frowning in doubt. “David studies music and education, no?”

“I do, but as much as I’d want to help, I have no time whatsoever on top of everything else,” David groaned, scratching the back of his neck apologetically. He turned to look at Laura.

“What about you? I mean, as a leader and all.”

“Hmm, I don’t really have that much experience with it, really…” Laura hummed, crossing her arms and pinching her eyebrows together in thought.

“I could do it,” Omar offered with a grin, “or Mohammed.”

“Yeah, nice try. If Essam really wants to learn something, they need a proper coach for that. One that doesn’t fool around with them all the time.”

Laura rolled her eyes, looking pointedly at Omar and Mohammed, as Essam squawked.

“Oi, do you trust me that little?”

“I know you three, Essam. As much as you all love singing, you love being dorks even more.”

All three of them couldn’t help but agree with Laura, and David snickered at her mother-like stance and almost scolding tone of her voice.

“So an outsider teacher?” Leonie hummed. “Who, though? On such a short notice?”

Laura ran a hand through her curls, her fingers getting caught in a few tangles as she made a wondering sound. Then she suddenly gasped, her whole expression changing into a joyful one.

“Oh, I know! Hang on…”

David narrowed his eyes, trying to think through all of the people he knew Laura knew in the field that she could have possibly come up with. As Laura dug out her phone and seemingly found the number to call, David couldn’t really think of anyone she might be calling. Until…

“Matteo, hi! Do you have a moment? Cool! Listen, I know it’s a lot to ask but–”

David didn’t really listen to the rest of the call, but simply stared at his sister, hearing mostly his blood rushing through his veins as anger lifted its head inside him. He did his best to contain it until Laura announced they had a teacher for Essam, everyone sighing in relief at the song choice finally being settled. Laura told Essam she’d arrange the song with Omar and then contact Matteo about the details and they’d be good to go with the rehearsals as everyone else collected their stuff and said their farewells. When the front door closed behind Omar and Essam, David couldn’t contain his irritation anymore.

“Laura, what the fuck? Why are you bringing Matteo into this?”

Laura looked confused for a moment, and then seemed to cotton on. 

“Why are you being so fucking pissed now?” she asked angrily.

“Don’t know, don’t you want this to stay in our group? We’ve never needed outsiders before, we manage quite well ourselves.” 

He crossed his arms in front of him.

Laura made a _tsk_ sound with her tongue, and countered: “David, Matteo is really good. And more importantly, he may be friends with Amira but he’s not close to Essam.”

She sighed. 

“No offence, but Essam is not the most patient person on this planet, so if any of our group were to teach them, it would take forever with their endless jokes and tendency to whine at the slightest inconvenience,” she continued, and folded her hands, pressing them together.

“I really think they won’t do that with Matteo, as they don’t know him that much, and will be able to fully explore and develop their talents.”

David went to argue that he could have made time, but Laura nipped it in the bud.

“Like you really would help Essam, with that recent attitude of yours. And why– honestly, why shouldn’t I bring Matteo into this?” she scoffed. “Whatever the fuck is going on between you two – and I know much more of that than I’d want – this is not getting in the way of our people getting opportunities and our group working together, understood?”

David tried to say something, but it came out as a petulantly mumbled “guess so”.

“Guess so? David, I told you this already. You’re killing yourself with your schoolwork because you’d rather choke than talk your projects through with someone who actually knows something about your subject.”

She let out a heavy breath. David chose to remain silent, despite the argument already threatening to boil over, as he knew she wasn’t done.

“You don’t live in a bubble, you are not some lonely creature like in all your fucking drawings, David. We are working together on this thing, and I am looking out for our group. And whatever it is that is making you two mope around like someone took your favourite stuffed animal: _I. Don’t. Care._ ”

Laura’s voice seemed like a thunder in otherwise quiet space, echoing on the walls. David managed to finally get out some words, and said: “Is Matteo still… Is he still as bad as a few days ago? Did you talk to Linn about him?”

“David, just talk to him yourself if you want to know. I am not going to play your messenger, I have my own stuff going on, okay?” Laura said, looking at the ceiling and then back at him.

David stared at his socks. One of them was getting a hole. He filled his lungs with air and slowly let it out again.

“I just… don’t know how.”

“Little brother, just go to him and ask. And if you don’t want to stalk him, just send him a text or call him. I know this all is new to you on the relationship front. But you know, honest communication is the key, okay?” 

Laura came over to him and took his head between her hands. 

“You’ll get there, okay? But please, David, we all need people. And that’s okay.”

She let go of his head and tipped her left middle finger into his sternum.

“Talk. To. Him.”

With that, she left him standing in the hallway. 

Laura’s words kept repeating in his head for the rest of the evening and his thoughts always found their way back to Matteo. The guilt was turning his stomach upside down. and the fear that he initially had about letting Matteo into his life slowly started to turn into dread of him slipping away and exiting David’s life completely. The guilt and the unsettling fear went nowhere on his regular late night run, not even when he chose the longer road and finally ran himself to the point of almost getting sick. 

That night he spent mostly tossing and turning in his bed, desperately trying to figure out how to approach the situation at hand, trying to think of different options but constantly ending up with nothing but a memory of Leonie’s narrowed eyes and her hissed-out _fix it_ until he finally passed out sometime in the small hours of the night.

The persistent beeping of his alarm startled him awake from his restless dreams: running in the dark, trying to figure out his way forward with a single, lit red candle in his hand, and trying to catch someone, seeing a glimpse of them at every corner but always losing them. David groaned, reaching out to shut the alarm off, glancing at the digital clock which told him it was almost 11 already. He sighed, heavily dragging himself up to a sitting position. He must’ve slept through his regular alarms. He rubbed his eyes and swung his legs over the side of his bed, standing up with great effort. His whole body ached – the weird dreams that he barely remembered had left him feeling unrested, and last night’s run only made the exhaustion worse, on top of his very sore leg muscles.

His morning – well, early afternoon – was slow. Eventually, with sheer will power and the help of 2,5 cups of coffee, he managed to wake up enough to get some work done on his portfolios, getting one of them ready for the last read through before handing it in, and another one to a near finished state as well. He felt proud of accomplishing so much after being overwhelmed by his drowsiness all morning, but his nerves were slowly building; finishing with the work for the day meant that he needed to now go and clean up the mess that the fight almost a week ago had left behind – that mess being mostly fears, guilt, and hurt.

David spent almost an hour fussing over pointless things, like which shirt to wear, whether or not he should wear a beanie, if he had shaved precisely enough, and if the cut he had gotten on the side of his cheek while shaving – thanks to his shaky hands – was too visible. At some point during his pacing, Laura came back from work. She took one look at him, and David was not sure what expression he sent back to her, but it earned him a hug, a pat on the shoulder, and a warm _I’m proud of you_. David wanted to argue, not even sure why she’d suddenly say something like that, but for some reason Laura’s statement sent him so close to tears he thought it was better to keep his mouth shut, put on his shoes, and go.

When he got to the flatshare, a resident held open the door for him after they had exited it, so he simply walked up the stairs to the door of the flat, ringing the doorbell before he had time to think about it too much. After a moment, the door opened, and David was faced with Hans whose usually bright and welcoming demeanor dropped immediately when he saw David, the warm smile being replaced by a tight-lipped and forced one.

“David.”

“Hi,” David greeted, his voice a little wobbly, and cleared his throat. “Is, uh… I’m here to see Matteo.”

Hans stared at him for a short while, before letting go of the door and crossing his arms.

“Butterfly is busy at the moment. He’s got a visitor,” Hans replied, his tone cool and lacking all the friendliness David had gotten used to. He hated it.

“Please, Hans,” David licked his lips, “I really need to speak to him. To apologize.”

At that, Hans’ closed up posture relaxed a little, and he gave David a little more genuine smile, now mixed with an apologetic expression.

“Matteo really does have a visitor right now, so I don’t know if–”

“Hans? Who is it?”

Linn’s voice echoed from the kitchen, and soon after she appeared in the hallway. A smile spread to her face as she saw David, and she hurried to them.

“Hey! I didn’t know you’d be coming!”

Linn pulled David into a hug, which was a surprise to him. He’d know Linn for some time now, sure, but she had never really been a hugger. A reason behind it, though, could be seen on her relieved face as she let go and looked at David in the eye.

“Hanna is here, but I don’t think she’ll mind you dropping by. Come,” Linn pulled David with her by the arm, asking Hans to wait in the kitchen. Linn knocked on Matteo’s door and poked her head in, and David felt his heartbeat picking up, wriggling his hands and pulling on his collar to keep his nerves at bay.

“Matteo, sorry to interrupt, but there’s someone here to see you.”

“Oh, who?” Matteo’s tired voice came out a bit muffled, like he was lying on his pillows. Linn pushed the door open more, glancing at David and nodding to him before leaving back to the kitchen. David took a step forward to the opened door, and immediately locked eyes with Matteo, who was lying on his stomach on the bed, clutching a pillow under his jaw.. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, he glanced at Hanna, who was also looking at him, and cast his eyes down for a second before looking at Matteo again.

“Hey, I uh…”

David swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling like all the words he had thought about saying had left his mind for good.

“Can we– Could– um, could we talk?”

Matteo stared at him with an expression David didn’t know how to decipher, before glancing at Hanna who now turned to look at Matteo, expectantly.

“Please,” David finally added, the heavy silence feeling like needles on his skin.

“Uh,” Matteo looked at David again, and back to Hanna, “I…”

“It’s okay,” Hanna said hurriedly, standing up from the armchair she had been sitting on, “I should get going anyway, I’ve already overstayed my welcome.”

“That’s not true,” Matteo grumbled, turning to his back and sitting up, finally jumping onto his feet as well. “Besides, I never see you outside practice anymore because of your sketchy working hours and _whatshisname_.”

Hanna frowned, but still had a smile on her face.

“His name is _Yannik_ , and you better learn it since you’re going to see him a lot more in the future.”

“Is that a threat?”

Hanna snorted, swatting at Matteo’s arm, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“See you at the practice, dumbass.”

With that, she turned and gave David a small smile as well, leaving them alone in the room. The silence took over again, both of them looking at each other and then at the ground and then, again, at each other. Matteo bit his thumb, and finally dropped his hand with a shrug.

“You wanna go for a walk?”

The suggestion felt like a lifeline, and David was more than happy to take it, relieved with the fact that Matteo didn’t actually just kick him out without a second thought.

“Sure.”

It was oddly comforting to walk next to the Spree at this time of day, the road already calmer and the lights of the buildings on the opposite shore glimmering on the surface of the river. They had walked some distance between them and mostly in silence, but it wasn’t as suffocating as it had been back at the flat, but more of the ones David had come to associate with Matteo – effortless and almost comforting. Matteo kicked at a rock that happened to be lying on the road, making it roll over in David’s Direction. David kicked it as well, aiming it back in Matteo’s. They kept at it for a few minutes, until the rock flew off the road to the grass.

“Let’s sit there?”

Matteo asked after another moment of silence, pointing at a circular shaped place right next to the river. it appeared to be a single step in the shape of a semi-circle. David nodded, and they walked over, sitting down at the steps, facing the silently streaming river. David looked at the lights on the water, then glanced at Matteo, some of the distant lights playing on his face, reminding David of the time when he saw him on stage, singing about _heroes_. The wind blew a bit harder, cold and wintery.

“I’m sorry.”

Matteo turned to look at him, and nodded.

“Yeah. Me too.”

They fell back into silence, now looking at each other, the apologies hovering over them, clearing away some of the hurt and anger they were still carrying in their hearts.

“For a long time, I have been desperate to find certainty in people. Something clear and permanent,” Matteo spoke, his voice soft, and turned back to look at the river, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning on them. David kept his eyes on Matteo, almost holding his breath to keep from disturbing his train of thought.

“I never had a secure childhood. My father fucked off constantly, staying God knows where for days before returning home. He never cared about my whereabouts unless it was something that upset him somehow, and finally disappeared for good when he went to Italy. And mom– I know she always did her best. But while she was working half days from home to keep me company, as time went on, she just wasn’t _there_. She might look at me and nod when I was speaking to hear, but she couldn’t see me. She didn’t have the capability to truly listen to me while she was fighting battles with her own fucked-up head.”

Matteo sighed deeply, and David wanted to reach out to squeeze his arm or rub on his back, as Matteo’s shoulders had hunched up further and further as he talked. But David didn’t dare.

“When I met Jonas, he was one of the few kids that didn’t make fun of the way I said certain things as I had a slight Italian accent at the time. I spent days after days asking him if he would be my friend, if we were real friends. He laughed, not really understanding the concept of me asking that. To him, being friends just happened/was such a normal thing. But I didn’t really have friends as I stayed at home before primary school, and somehow I found it super important to know that Jonas would be my friend. Because friends don’t leave you – or that’s what I thought back then.”

Matteo swallowed, turning his eyes back to David. David could see the vulnerability and fear in his gaze.

“I could continue the sob story all day, but that’s what therapy is for. I mean, the thing is, I cling to people because they _matter_ to me. And I desperately want to matter to them, too. To not be ignored, pushed away and forgotten.”

Matteo’s voice was now so small it almost faded away. David instictly shuffled a bit closer, and turned to face him better, but still kept his hands to himself in fear of crossing some invisible boundary that still separated them.

“Matteo, I’m so sorry for what I said. It was awful and totally uncalled for. I swear I didn’t mean it, it just…”

He let the sentence fade out, hoping Matteo would get what he meant. Thankfully, it seemed like he did, as he nodded.

“I know. And I’m sorry too. I kind of started it, too, so… Yeah. Sorry.”

Matteo was now fiddling with a cuff of his jacket, and let his gaze drop down to his hands. David drew in a breath, breathing out slowly and correcting his posture a bit.

“My childhood was so secure it almost drove Laura and me crazy. Our parents… They probably still think they did their best, but their best was being strict and demanding to the point where they didn’t even feel like parents anymore. Calling us both out on “horrible decisions” and guilting us over things like spending time with our friends when we could have been studying,” David started, keeping his voice low, as if it was too loud for the silence that was surrounding them right there, at the river. Going back to his youth stung a lot, unexpectedly, but he knew he needed to explain this to Matteo so he could grasp the reasoning behind his actions these last few weeks.

“Getting away from that environment, despite being kicked out, felt like a jackpot. And after all those expectations and demands and all that controlling behavior, I felt like I was free for the first time in my life, and made the decision of never letting anything hold me back from doing whatever it was that I wanted to do in life.”

David felt his heart beating, and was now looking at his hands, clenching and unclenching them in his gloves another deep breath. He could feel Matteo’s gaze on him, but couldn’t bring himself to return it right at that moment.

“So, I made a very clear plan for myself. Get into university. Get top surgery. Complete my bachelor’s degree as soon as possible. Continue to a graduate program outside of Hamburg. Get that done. Get a job.”

“Did you really plan your life like that?” Matteo commented, still quiet, but now also a bit confused.

“I did. And I succeeded in my plan, but what I had forgotten on the way was that in this world, relationships with people are a thing. During my bachelor’s, I slowly lost all my friends in Hamburg, too busy to even notice as I was practically living at the university. Then here, I almost continued on the same path, but Laura stopped me by pulling me into Dolce Fermata. When I was sure it wouldn’t interfere with my “life plan”, I kept at it, and even made a few friends, like Leonie and Mohammed.”

David sighed deeply. He was about to get to the part that scared him the most, and it was a struggle to actually stay put instead of getting up and cutting the conversation off right there. He raised his eyes, and was met with Matteo’s calm gaze, something reassuring in his expression. David squeezed his hands into fists, and let them relax again.

“Meeting you wasn’t part of my plan. I’d seen you passing by so many times before actually talking to you once. But then, I realized that being with you was easier than anything I had done in my life so far. I liked it – liked _you_ – and I opened up to you quicker than I even realized. Then it hit me that at some point along the way, I had completely fallen for you. And a possibility of having another person so intimately in my life, to have a relationship… That scared me so much.”

“But why?” Matteo frowned.

“Because when you’re in a relationship, there’s suddenly another person to consider. You’re suddenly part of a pair, and you’re not free to live your life like you were before. Every aspect of your life is suddenly dominated by the fact that you’re not living your whole life with only yourself to answer to.”

“But you kissed me. You had this fear of yours, but you still kissed me on Christmas.”

Matteo’s frown was now deeper, and he had turned so he was now fully facing David. He seemed like he had something else to say as well, but apparently chose to let David speak first, which David appreciated. He nodded, biting his lip.

“I did. I wanted to. Just… After that, the wheels started turning in my head and everything started to fall apart over New Year’s, all my fears somehow just growing bigger and scarier.”

“So your solution was to avoid me.”

Matteo’s voice was coloured with a newly found understanding, as he nodded his head and leaned back a little bit.

“Now it makes more sense. I thought it was something I did, or that you just suddenly didn’t like me anymore, or something.”

“No, that’s not it. I got stuck too far inside my head and… My thoughts just ran away from me and before I knew it, I was standing in your flat and– fuck, Matteo, I’m just so sorry about what happened that day.”

Matteo hummed in response, and silence settled between them again. David felt a lot lighter. Somehow, saying it all out loud had snapped something inside him, all of his nerves disappearing into the darkness of the evening. The fact that Matteo was still sitting here with him, willing to open up to him as well as hear him out, was something he was utterly grateful for. The wind ruffled Matteo’s hair, a peak standing up straight, almost waving at him. 

Matteo took a deep breath and said: “So. What about now?”

“Huh?”

Matteo looked into his eyes, biting his lip like he was uncertain of the words he should use. David wanted to tell him he’d wait as long as it’d need for him to find his voice, but remained silent.

“What about now? Are you– I mean, Do you still…?”

Matteo buried his head into the collar of his jacket up to his nose, a shy look in his now downcast eyes. David finally reached out and took Matteo’s hand, which he had placed on the rock beside his leg, in his, brushing his thumb over Matteo’s knuckles.

“I still like you. I like you _a lot_. But I’m still– I still have some work to do with my head.”

Matteo lifted his gaze and nodded, turning his hand around and linking their fingers.

“You know, a relationship won’t necessarily be a ball and chains, okay? Instead–” Matteo squeezed David’s hand, “instead, in the best case, it’s more like a close friendship with romantic elements added on top of it.”

David hummed and nodded.

“Yeah. That’s what I’m trying to learn, now. It–, uh, it takes some work… And I’m not– not there, yet. But I really like you. And I like _us_.”

“Me too.”

Matteo’s smile, even in the dusk, felt like it lit up the whole river, so warm and soft. David hadn’t been sure if he’d ever get it directed towards him again, but he’d never been more grateful. A particularly powerful gust rattled the leafless trees behind them, making Matteo shiver. David felt his hand’s coldness against his own warm fingers, and stood up.

“We should get back. You’re getting cold.”

“Yeah, I forgot my scarf,” Matteo sighed, standing up as well. Without a second thought, David reached for the scarf around his neck, pulling it away, and swung the scarf around Matteo’s neck, grinning at his surprised face.

“I still don’t understand how you need this many layers.”

“Because it’s _cold_ ,” Matteo rolled his eyes, a grin spreading across his face as well. “How come you need barely any?”

David chuckled, finishing wrapping the scarf around Matteo’s neck, and stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“ _It’s fine. This is warm enough._ ”

Matteo snorted, and bumped his shoulder against David’s, before leading the way back to the road. On the way to Matteo’s flat, they talked about everything and nothing. Neither of the a cappella groups had gone to the first singing evening of the year at _K U N S T_ , everyone being up to their necks with projects and work. Matteo timidly told David he was finally seeing his mother in a few weeks, after they had talked over the phone about what happened at Christmas. David asked if she was feeling better, and Matteo just nodded with a smile, assuring it’d be okay, and in turn – to lighten the mood again – David told Matteo stories about the most awful suggestions for the charity event songs, including _Scatman –_ “how does one even sing that as a cappella?” “The fuck I know, but that was the least of the problems with that one." _–_ and _SKIBIDI._

As they neared the flatshare, Matteo slipped his hand into David’s pocked, complaining about the cold. They joined their fingers in the pocket, and David glanced once more at the river, colourful lights making the water sparkle. It looked even calmer than when they had started their walk. 

Slowly, they approached the flat, and David knew he wouldn’t be going inside with Matteo. Not tonight, anyway. As Matteo took his hand out of his pocket and started searching for the keys, the little light next to the apartment building’s door switched on, bathing the surrounding area in bright, yellow light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, that was quite a rollercoaster ride of feelings. Thankfully, David has a sister who is not afraid to verbally knock some sense into him... What did you think? Comments and kudos are dearly appreciated ❤
> 
> As always, the weekly updating playlist to go with the chapter can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA)!


	8. Og livet tar rot, lyset går i en retning som gror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This week, we have reached chapter eight, which means we have only two more to go! We excited to share this one with you :)
> 
> Here is a snippet to give you a taste of the chapter:  
>  _“So. How are you?”_  
>  _Matteo stared at Sam for a moment, and shrugged._  
>  _“I’m... fine. Why?”_  
>  _“It’s just–,” Sam leaned forward, looking down for a moment, and corrected her posture again with a long sigh, “Um, I mean, it’s just that you seem like you’re burning the candle not only at both ends, but, like, at five different places.”_  
>  _“That doesn’t make sense,” Matteo shook his head and snorted, earning a scowl from Sam._

Matteo was early, which was something that rarely happened. His mom had reserved a table at half past twelve, and somehow, he had arrived at quarter past. Maybe it was because he had been rather nervous and scared his mom wouldn’t show up. He was now starting to calm down again, though, as she had texted him a few minutes ago that she was on her way.

Luckily, the Chinese restaurant they had decided on wasn’t too crowded, so their seat reservation had already been in place and he didn't have to wait by the entrance. The way he sat made something in his pocket dig into his thigh, and when he took it out, he realized it was the keychain David had gotten him for Christmas. He had kept it on his keys, even during the weeks they hadn’t really talked: the little bell pepper on it reflected nearly every kind of light source, and the way the polished surface broke the light into little glowing pieces had an oddly calming effect on him. A fond smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

His little meet-ups with David had returned, slowly but surely. For the last three weeks, they had really put in an effort to talk to each other. At first, they had met outside. They had gone for walks, on train rides, to coffee shops, and even to a small art exhibition at the East Side Gallery. Then, they had met up at David’s to cook and do coursework, as they hadn’t spent as much time there before and Laura seemed to be over at Matteo’s place a lot anyway. They tried to check in with each other every morning, and also resumed their little chats about everything and nothing. In a way, this time around, it felt less tentative and more certain: they knew where the other stood and what they wanted, and they had found a comfortable pace to move forward with. That didn’t mean that things were perfect now, as they were still figuring things out and taking it day by day. The key, Matteo thought, jangling with the little bell pepper chain, was clear communication.

Matteo decided to go to the toilet to wash his hands, just to do something as waiting was starting to make him even more nervous, and when he returned, his mother was sitting at their table. She stood up immediately, carefully pushing her chair back. After putting a hand on his cheek, whispering _hi sweetheart_ , she enveloped him into a hug, and he let her, leaning into her. He had been so tall since his second to last year of secondary school that he had to bow a bit down in order to lean his head on her shoulder, but he reveled in it nonetheless. That way, he could take in her smell and her warmth, which was uniquely her. Whatever changed over the years, the perfume she used – the sweet scent of cinnamon always coming through the strongest – remained the same. It hit him just how much he had missed her.

They stayed in the embrace longer than was socially acceptable in the middle of a restaurant, before they slowly detached and sat down. Moments later, when they had barely had time to look at the drinks, a young waitress came over to take their order. Matteo ordered _Spezi_ , a mix of cola and orange sparkling lemonade, and his mom went for a big pot of jasmine tea, like she always did, because she knew from experience that Matteo wouldn’t have enough with his glass of _Spezi_. 

As a whole party of elderly ladies, loudly chatting about their grandchildren and medical histories, had started to queue up in the buffet area, he and his mom decided to wait for their drinks to arrive before going to get their own food. His mom put her arms on the table and leant her chin on her folded hands, looking at him with a twinkle in her eyes. Matteo was so happy to see that again. Most of December, he had ignored his mother because he had had to digest the fact that they were not spending Christmas together. She had sent him a nice card, though, that had unfortunately arrived after New Year’s – blame the German postal system. By the time it came, Matteo had made peace with the fact that they couldn’t meet at Christmas, and he was able to be happy about the No-Face card and the song quote his mother had sent him. His _thank you_ text about the card had been their icebreaker: his mother had profusely apologized in her reply, and he had forgiven her in his. They had called two times after that to catch up, and agreed to meet up at this restaurant which his mom had found about a year ago. It wasn’t the same as Christmas together would have been, but Matteo was grateful for it anyway.

The silence that had stretched between them wasn’t uncomfortable, per se, but Matteo did feel a bit relieved when the drinks arrived and his mom cleared her throat, as the babbling grandmas finally moved their discussion from the buffet cart to the other side of the restaurant.

“So, Matteo. So, should we brave the buffet? They have that dish with a lot of soybean sprouts you like.” 

She smiled widely at him. Then, she got up and held her hand out to him. He took it, giving her a bright smile in return, and they went to the buffet.

They both started with a round of soup, and then a first plate. When they were seated at the table again, both opting for chopsticks instead of a fork and knife, his mother looked over to him again.

“Tell me, dear, as your texts this past week were rather short, how are you doing?” she asked, her smile never fading from her lips, and fished a piece of tofu from her plate with the chopsticks. “You do look a bit tired, I hope you’re not overworking yourself?”

“Uh, no. Well, I mean, there’s a lot going on with uni, you know. Exams are coming up. And we’re, um, participating in this benefit thing, but it’s not completely planned out, so I can’t say much about it yet.”

Matteo pushed his hand into his hair and fiddled with it for a bit. He did not want to elaborate on the song choice and the theme of the evening, not the first time he met up with his mom in a long while – almost two years now since they had last seen each other in person. And truthfully, he wasn’t exactly embracing the sweet relief of a good night’s sleep, but it had been worse before so he didn’t see a point in making it a huge deal.

Matteo could see his mother squint his eyes a tiny bit, and he knew she had a hunch that there was something more to it than he was letting on, but his mom merely nodded and asked about Jonas and his other friends instead, which gave Matteo the opportunity to launch into some ridiculous stories about their group practises. 

He told her how Jonas one time had lost his voice and had had a rasp that could rival a rockstar for a month and a half. He had been extremely annoyed after he gained his voice back – so much so that he had walked without proper coat for weeks in the hope of getting sick again, until Sam swatted him with a folder and lectured him about risking losing his voice completely. He told her about the time when Abdi pulled a muscle in his neck, not able to turn his head for two weeks, when jamming particularly hard to one of their practice songs. And how Hanna was a midwife now and once during a cold season brought them some cough drops to practice that tasted incredibly awful – suspiciously like cheapest vodka one could find – but somehow kept them all healthy through the winter. 

His mother laughed out at nearly all of his jokes, loud and bright, even to the ones that really weren’t that funny, asking for more details and visibly enjoying every little thing Matteo wanted to share with her about his life. And it was good to be sitting here with her, eating delicious food and letting go of all his bad thoughts. 

The topic shifted to his mother after that. She told him about her sewing group with some people from church, how one of the older ladies had fallen asleep with her nose in her empty teacup and smashing it to pieces after she startled awake and accidentally flung it in the air. How they had been allowed to decorate the church with their hand-sewn ornaments, although, because of her bad period, she didn’t get to see them in their full glory. She told him she had spent christmas with her cat, Charlie – the one Matteo had always loved to pieces – and that a young health care professional had been in to check on her every day, and had even brought over some cake on Christmas eve.

It also turned out that Matteo’s dad had texted her, just like he had Matteo, but in contrast to his mother, who had responded with some Christmas greetings, he had deleted the message without even opening it. He didn’t tell her that, though. When she asked him whether he had been in contact with his dad lately, Matteo deliberately put some noodles into his mouth and chewed lengthily on them before answering.

“He graces me with his two-minute calls every six months. Last time was my birthday, I think.”

His mom hummed, slightly scrunching up her nose disapprovingly – at his dad, and not his own behavior, Matteo was sure of that. He didn’t add that the call came with the unprompted announcement that his dad had finally found the love of his life, which happened to be a different woman every time. 

After another bite, he added: “Oh, uh, I had to get a job. Dad thought it would build character if I learned to work for my allowance, so he cut it down to half of what he used to pay me when I was in secondary school. He also told me it would be a nice _incentive_ to finally get my bachelor’s degree, whatever he meant by that. It’s like nothing matters except the fact that I have the highest grades and get done as fast as he did back when he studied in _Milano_.” 

Matteo blew out a loud sigh. His mom pursed her lips and frowned.

“Now, he failed to mention that in our last phone call. I know you’re doing the best you can, and that the last few years have been very hard on you. Also, if I remember correctly, he never got the grades his parents wanted him to have either. And his studies in Milan consisted of mostly partying, but I guess that can be counted as an achievement as well.”

She shook her head, and Matteo half-smiled at her. She always had his back.

“I will check back with him about the allowance. He’ll probably not have enough to send it to you, last time I heard he was between jobs. Good god, that man, I swear!”

It was rare for Matteo to see her so frustrated with anything, but he found it rather refreshing – especially when it was directed at his dad, who drove Matteo on the edge even on the best days. His mom then gently smiled at him after her outburst and said: “You do know, my dear, that you are the most wonderful son I could have hoped for. I love you so much and I am, and have always been, so proud of you.” 

With that, she touched her hand to his and when he didn’t take his hand away, she lightly squeezed it. For a fleeting moment, Matteo felt like a child all over again, basking under his mother’s loving gaze.

“If you ever have problems paying for anything, just call me, okay? I may not have much, but I will not let my son go hungry!”

With that, she suggested they go for a second helping to get rid of the bad taste that the topic of his dad had left in their mouths. Matteo was eager to agree.

He opted for vegetables and rice his time, as he had been trying to reduce his meat intake this month after all the ‘educational rants’ he had been subjected to from Jonas, Kiki, and even Abdi. In no way was he ready to participate in _Veganuary_ , but every bit counted. He told his mom as much, and she explained that she had been experimenting with lentil recipes which had worked out really well and asked him if he wanted her to send him the link to them; he told her he would love to have some, as he was trying out new recipes with David, and that David’s sister Laura, who was Linn’s girlfriend, adored all things legume.

His mom perked up at that, chewed on her bite of duck, and afterwards asked: “David? I don’t think I’ve heard that name before?” 

She looked at him warmly.

“A new friend?”

Matteo played with the tablecloth that hung on his thighs and couldn’t help the small smile that made its way to his lips, silently cursing the little butterflies that were suddenly fluttering in his gut. 

“Uh, well… You could say that, too. We’re more than just friends, I mean, or at least we’re working on that part. I’ve been spending a lot of time with him, and I really like him.”

He left out the whole fight part, because it didn’t really matter. Not in the long run, anyway. And not in the moment when he saw his mother’s whole expression brighten up even more.

“How wonderful! Maybe I could cook one of my recipes and meet him, some time in the future? Only if you’re ready, of course,” she exclaimed, putting down her chopsticks and reaching for Matteo’s hand, full of glee.

“We’ll see. I’ll keep you updated,” Matteo awkwardly patted her hand that was now on top of his.

“Should we go for desert? I haven’t had _Waldmeister_ jello in ages,” he added to get her attention away from his love life.

His mom agreed, as she adored the deep-fried pineapple they had at the restaurant. When they left for the buffet cart, she playfully bumped her shoulder against his, joy and pride colouring her whole being. Matteo huffed, secretly pleased.

Some days later, one late afternoon, the flatshare was filled with the smell of freshly baked cookies. Matteo was sitting on the couch, blowing on a mug of steaming tea, as Amira munched on a warm cookie from the batch they had just taken out of the oven. Amira had wanted an intervention, as she was threatened to be completely buried by her law tomes, and Matteo had wanted to try a hazelnut cookie recipe his mom had sent over – no lentils involved. 

They had decided on that afternoon, mainly because it had miraculously been free on both of their calendars, and the last few hours had been spent with complaining about their exams and the amount they had to study. The topic of their conversation had turned to Mohammed, who was a _persona non grata_ for the remainder of exam season, not only because Amira could barely make time for him, but also because he had flaunted his ample free time in front of her by writing her one sickly sweet poem after the other. It was kind of cute really, but Matteo had earned a whack on his knee for voicing his opinion, and a stern _don’t you dare to say it to him or I’m going to drown in love letters_.

Even though they were nowhere near that level of relationship, Matteo knew David would never do something like that. No, he wouldn’t go for something that was so on the nose, the cryptid – thank goodness for that. He loved all things dark and angsty, even though Matteo had tried to indoctrinate him with cartoons and anime. He laughed to himself and shook his head.

“Earth to Matteo! What are _you_ thinking about? I’m quite sure it’s not Mohammed’s thousandth iteration of _My princess is the most beautiful rose_ ,” she said and scrunched up her face at the last bit. Matteo cackled at the title, but before he could catch himself, Amira smirked at him and added: “How is it going with you and David?”

“It’s been going much better. We’ve cooked some together, and he drags me out of the house when I get too deep into my equations and I laugh at the paint stains he has on his face from time to time.” 

He had told Amira about his fight with David after they had their walk down the Spree. Amira had remained sceptical about their improved relationship for about two weeks, until it became clear that David had started to communicate and wasn’t about to pull the same thing again, and he also stopped avoiding Mohammed who had been sulking about it for the whole beginning of the year.

“How romantic,” Amira snorted. He scoffed, attempting to kick her leg but missing due to her quick reflexes.

“Hey, not all of us can write a poem about the brilliance of your eyes, okay?”

“ _Stop it_.”

Amira groaned, throwing her head back, a pained expression on her face. Then, she shook her head and smiled, lifting her head again.

“Hey, Matteo. I’m really happy for you.”

She looked at him, her hand outstretched, and he softly nodded, so she placed her hand on his shoulder. Then, she continued: “I mean, I’m totally gonna let him have it if he pulls any shitty tricks on you, which I highly doubt, I’m just saying. But I am so happy for you, honestly.”

Matteo lifted his brows, amused but also touched by her words, and averted his gaze down to his hands, feeling a bit shy with the topic all of a sudden. Amira must have read the mood, as she cleared her throat right then.

“Now,” she shuddered, “enough with the sappy shit.” 

She took her hand away and shrugged. 

“Though, if you want to talk about it, I’m here for you. But I’m confident you’ll tell me when you need to.” 

He nodded again.

“So, now that’s out of the way, how are things with the group? I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve seen all of you, even though I went for dinner with Sam a couple of days ago.”

“I think she mentioned that. Sam’s been over a lot, now that I think of it. Leonie and her are really close.”

Amira smirked.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure of that.”

Matteo squinted his eyes, but as Amira shrugged to indicate she was not gonna elaborate, he continued: “Anyway, we are participating in a charity concert. It’s for an organization that works around youth and mental health.” 

He fiddled with his sleeves, pulling them over his hands until they sprung back. 

“That sounds fantastic! I would love to come and bring some of my loaded law friends, if you’re okay with it. Want to get that charity as much money as we can,” she said conspiratorially. Then, she frowned.

“When is it again?”

“Somewhere in March, can’t remember the exact date right now, though, sorry.”

“Fuck, I have that stupid internship at that law firm. Ugh, I hope I can come regardless. I’ll ask when I start in two weeks, if I can go earlier if it’s on a weekday.”

“Ask Sam, she can tell you. She got us in, so.”

Matteo thought about the way Amira announced she had an internship. That was new, and sounded cool – but it was clear she didn’t really see it that way. 

“But what is that internship about? You don’t seem very enthusiastic.”

Amira sighed.

“Remember when I told you that I had applied for that cool shadowing job at the city council? Well, I didn’t get it, so my professor helped me get some corporate law thing. It’s not something I’ve done before and I have to do a ton of preparation for it on top of all my exam work.”

Matteo set his mug down carefully and offered her a hug in lieu of saying anything, patting her on the back. 

“I’m sure you’ll manage. Also, isn’t Leonie doing corporate law? You could always ask her. I have good connections now that I live with her.” 

He wiggled his eyebrows at her, earning an eye roll. 

“I’m sure Sam has even better connections to her, if you catch my drift,” Amira countered.

Matteo only half registered what she said, as David had just sent him a panel of a comic he had drawn for one of his portfolios. It had a squid as a secret agent. They had come up with the concept together – to be fair, they had kind of copied the concept of _Octodad_ , but David had been sure his middle-aged professor was not that into indie games – and he was happy that David had actually made use of it. 

“Text from David?”

“Wha– huh? Yeah,” Matteo said sheepishly. 

“Thought so, you looked awfully mushy for a second there. Well, I need to get going anyway. It’s been really nice, talking and baking cookies. I’ll take the tupperware we put aside. Maybe I can stuff some in Mohammed’s mouth next time he tries to serenade me with his poems.”

Matteo laughed and got up to accompany her to the door, picking up the box in the kitchen while Amira went to put on her shoes. They said their goodbyes with a quick hug, and Matteo went to sit in the kitchen, slumping on a chair and sighing, his gaze fixed on the rather bright day outside. He eyed the cookies that were left on the counter, and then at the clock. He would have a few more hours to clear them away before he had to head to the practice room.

The evening rehearsals started out at a quick pace: the warm-ups were done quickly and they dived straight into the song at hand. They had started practicing for the charity event a week ago and made great progress in the past three rehearsals, but with a new song, an important event they would perform it at, and a double lead of which one had never sung at any type of performance, it was glaringly obvious that they still had a lot of work to do.

The charity event held a lot of importance for Matteo which made him want to perfect every little thing in their performance. He felt honored that the committee had taken them in as soon as Sam had told them they wanted to participate – he would be able to get people to seek help like he once did, when life felt too heavy and difficult to walk forward on his own.

It was just before Christmas he actually got an idea for the song, but it was clear from the start that he didn’t want to lead it on his own. Instead, despite knowing his idea was a bit unusual, he really wanted Linn to join him on the stage. During his difficult times, Linn had helped him _tremendously_ : she had been there to keep him company, and never forcibly tried to strike up a conversation as she knew Matteo was too exhausted to talk. She brought him food with Hans, even if they both knew that Matteo might not eat it, and they both tried to figure out easy things to do that would help him to get his mind off things for a fleeting moment while he was going to the day clinic. 

Most importantly, Linn knew what Matteo was going through: the worst had passed but there was still work to do. She had first hand experience with depression, and she was always ready to discuss it with Matteo when he initiated it. Their experiences weren’t all similar, that was a given, but it felt relieving to know that he wasn’t alone – that someone had gone through the same thing, came out of it in one piece, and was now living their life so much happier and stronger than ever before.

In a way, Matteo hoped to have Linn as a support to get him through the arranging, practicing, and actual performance of the song he had chosen. But even more so, he wanted to share the experience with her, and wanted to give her the opportunity to participate in something he knew she found important as well. So, over Christmas break, he had asked her to come and talk with him for a second, taken her aside to talk in private.

When he told Linn about his plan to perform _Mad World_ at the charity event, it turned out Linn didn’t know the song. After he played the song from his phone – quiet enough that it wouldn’t be heard from the living room, where everyone else was, but loud enough for them to hear it – he was met by silence. Then, Linn blinked hard, obviously fighting back tears, and pulled Matteo into a hug, telling him how _beautifully sad_ the song was. Her reaction made Matteo hold back tears of his own that had gathered in his eyes. 

Linn was a bit hesitant to join them on stage at first, but after swearing she would have the best seven teachers in the world, and promising to hold her hand if she – or Matteo himself – would feel scared, she finally nodded, and asked for the date of the first practice she’d be needed at.

Linn came with him to the very first practice of the year, just to make the suggestion for the song, and to see if it would be well received by the rest of the group. Matteo was nervous for some reason, but soon realized that he had nothing to be afraid of, as Sam gleefully announced it was _the best idea_ , followed by her enveloping them both in a strangling hug. There were some more questions, pats on the back, Jonas’ proud smile, and Hanna’s teary eyes, but in the end, they settled on starting the week after, just so that Matteo and Sam would have enough time to work on the arrangement.

All in all, everything was going fairly smoothly, but while Matteo was happy about the progress they were making with the pacing of the song, and especially with how quickly Linn was able to pick up the things she was taught and put them to use, it occurred to him that he was actually starting to feel _very tired_ . With the help of his therapist, he had been able to conquer the deep-dive his well-being had taken from Christmas, and as things were moving slowly but steadily getting there with David and he even got to spend time with his mom, everything was well. But balancing his social life, coursework, therapy, a cappella, and working with Essam on their leading part for _Dolce Fermata_ ’s charity song, he felt like he was in a constant adrenaline rush from the stress of running around so much, that it was the only thing that kept him standing. And _that,_ combined with everything he had to get done, meant that his sleep was greatly compromised, and at this point, he was basically running on coffee and half a prayer to a God he didn’t believe in. 

“Okay, that’s not– Okay, thank you!” Sam exclaimed and signalled everyone to stop. “Listen to each other, it’s out of synch. Again!”

“Sam, come on!” Abdi whined with a pained expression, Carlos groaning beside him. They’d been practicing the transition from the refrain to the second verse over and over again for 40 minutes and counting, but the pacing of the transition was still a bit off. Matteo sighed and glanced at Sam, who pursed her lips with a stern look on her face. 

“Again.”

“This is _ridiculous,_ we’re getting nowhere. Can’t we just move forward and come back to this later?” Jonas raked his fingers through his hair frustratedly. “Matteo?”

“I agree with Sam, it’s out of synch. Two more times and then we proceed,” Matteo shrugged, earning a few annoyed sighs and an appreciative smile from Sam. Jonas looked like a kicked puppy, though.

“I can’t believe you’d betray me like this,” he said, eyes big and round. Matteo rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“Just sing, will you? I’ll make it up with pasta next week.”

“Oi, no fair! Why does he get pasta but we don’t?” Carlos butted in, frowning, and pointed an accusing finger at Jonas. “He’s been the loudest to complain all the time!”

“In your case, I might still be a bit _salty_ , if you catch my drift.”

“Dude, it’s been ages and you’ve cooked it for us even after that! That’s totally–”

“Forget the damn pasta, let’s get this over with,” Kiki snapped and whacked the rolled up sheet music on Carlos’ arm, making him jump and then scowl at her. Hanna snickered, shaking her head, and Matteo couldn’t help but be in awe at the way she constantly managed to keep up her endless, genuine cheerfulness.

They sang through the transition a couple more times, but Jonas had been right: they were getting nowhere. Matteo breathed through his nose and stared at his notes in an attempt to figure out if it was, in fact, the arrangement – taken he was already driven up the wall by a part in the last verse he was still unhappy with – but even after talking it over with Sam, they concluded that they’d just need more practice.

Just as they were about to announce they’d go forward to the second verse, Linn spoke up, her voice a bit worried: “Are we really gonna be ready to perform in four weeks?”

The room fell dead silent, her question making Matteo squirm a little, his nervousness that was always lurking underneath these days resurfacing. Luckily, the silence was short-lived as Abdi grinned, going to pat her shoulder: “Yeah, we are! Don’t worry, we’re a _supergroup_!”

A smile spread across Linn’s lips and Matteo did his best to suppress a snort. In all his noisy goofiness, Abdi really knew what to say to break the tension. Jonas went to hang himself off of Abdi’s shoulder, grinning to Linn as well.

“The _best_ group. Always a bit more than needed,” Jonas said cheekily, earning a few laughs for his clumsy joke about the group name.

“Is it really just a month away, though? Wow, time flies,” Hanna sighed, shaking her head in disbelief. “I’m so out of the regular day rhythm that the weeks just seem to disappear.”

“It means you need to sleep in between those inhumane shifts you work,” Kiki scoffed, then broke into a smile. “But it’s a pretty cool thought. Us, on stage, gathering funds for mental health research and care, helping the youth.”

“It is pretty cool, yeah?” Sam grinned widely. “No need to thank me!”

Matteo followed the conversation as it went back and forth, smiling fondly at his friends, but the smile faltered a bit as his nerves were still churning in his stomach. They did have a lot to do until they were ready to perform, and it was important to him to have it as perfect as possible by the time they’d step on that stage – more important than with any of the pieces they had worked on before. And he was already worried they might not have time for that.

“I think we have more to thank you, though, Matteo.”

Matteo jumped as Carlos spoke next to him, as he hadn’t really registered him moving there.

“Huh? Me?”

Carlos shrugged and dug his hands into his pockets.

“Yeah. I mean, you’re the one who made the arrangement. And it’s a fucking brilliant one as well. Don’t worry about it so much, we’ve got this.”

“Oh. I– uh… Thank you.”

Carlos grinned and slapped his hand on Matteo’s back, before launching towards Abdi and Jonas, who were now trying to compete on who got the worst jokes about the group name, and jumped on their backs, earning some alarmed yelps that were followed by curses and loud laughter.

Matteo took a deep breath, shaking his head a bit to clear his thoughts. Carlos was right, he shouldn’t worry so much. It was way too early to worry about time, anyway: they’d only been practicing a few times and had made great progress during those sessions, and they still had weeks to go. He was simply so worn out because of everything that had been going on that the sleepiness played tricks on his mind, making him worry over nothing. They were doing great. They’d have plenty of time to perfect it. It was all good. All was great. Just fantasti–

“–teo? Matteo!”

Matteo blinked, turning his head to Sam. 

“Sorry, what?”

“I was saying, should we take the second verse now and see how it plays out?” Sam repeated herself, sounding like she had already done it a couple of times. She had moved back to the piano, ready to play the first notes for people to catch on, and looked at Matteo expectantly. 

“Uh yeah, sure,” Matteo nodded, a yawn escaping his mouth. He rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes, sighing again. It would be fine.

It was around his fourteenth yawn – coming out constantly now that he had given the first one a chance – and the third missed cue that Sam finally wrapped up the practice, rambling about how particularly lovely Linn had sounded. She appeared in front of Matteo, startling him a bit by slapping her hand on his shoulder.

“Can we talk for a moment when everyone’s cleared?”

Matteo pursed his lips, and glanced at the clock on the wall of the room. It was a little shy from 18:30, but he had promised to meet Essam at 19:00 for their own practice, and walking there took almost 25 minutes, as public transport was essentially useless to get from their own practice room to _Dolce Fermata_ ’s.

“Uh, sure. But make it quick, I need to–,” Matteo sentence was cut off by a particularly violent yawn that made his eyes water. “Sorry. I mean, I need to meet Essam in 30.”

Sam frowned, checking the time as well, and nodded, heading to her water bottle that was placed on the piano. People were quick to gather their stuff and leave one by one, all the while Sam loudly reminded everyone to drink enough water, stretch, and save their voices for the next day as the next practice would be on the day after. Finally, Kiki, as the last person, took her stuff and hurried out after carefully writing down the rest of the feedback that Matteo and Sam had given her. At that point, the clock was almost twenty to seven, but Sam’s firm stance kept Matteo in his place instead of running out and hurrying to his next appointment.

“The song’s turning out nicely. Linn really outdid herself today!” Sam sat on the piano chair and took a long swig from her bottle, then offered it to Matteo.

“Yeah, she really did,” Matteo agreed, walking a bit closer and politely shaking his head to decline the offered water. “What was it that you wanted to talk about? I really need to get going.”

Sam pouted, and put down her water bottle to cross her arms. She hummed, tilting her head, and finally asked: “So. How are you?”

Matteo stared at Sam for a moment, and shrugged.

“I’m... fine. Why?”

“It’s just–,” Sam leaned forward, looking down for a moment, and corrected her posture again with a long sigh, “Um, I mean, it’s just that you seem like you’re burning the candle not only at both ends, but, like, at five different places.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Matteo shook his head and snorted, earning a scowl from Sam.

“You know what I mean,” she whined, standing up from her chair and walking in front of Matteo. “You’re _constantly_ yawning, and I doubt the bags under your eyes are Gucci. Do you have a bit too much on your plate?”

“Yeah, you could say that… But ’m alright. ’s just that the last couple of weeks have been rather… hectic. It’ll be easier once the charity event is done, so...only a few more weeks,” Matteo mumbled, scratching his neck, and averted his gaze to the floor. He hated to be a person who other people had to worry about, and had worked hard to avoid that. He could almost hear his therapist’s voice telling him _it’s only natural for people to worry about you when they care about you_. He had heard it so many times it was part of his subconscious now.

“Okay. And I’m sure you’ve got it, don’t get me wrong! Just wanted to check, you know? And the song is pretty personal and rough for you and all, so just say the word if you need a hand at something, yeah?”

Sam smiled brightly and patted him on the shoulder.

“And nice work with Linn, the extra half an hour here and there has totally paid off!”

Matteo smiled and nodded, quickly throwing on his jacked and shoving the rest of his files and music sheet into his bag.

“So, see you at our next practice?” he asked and looked at the clock, unable to hold back a grimace. “Shit, I really need to go.”

Sam chuckled and waved her hand dismissively.

“Yeah, you go. And text me if you need any help. I swear I don’t mind!” she called after him, and he threw a thumbs up to her, dashing out and sending Essam a quick notice that he’d be late. And it turned out, the trip took 17 minutes when one ran most of it and arrived half dead from the life-long lack of exercising.

That Sunday, Matteo buzzed David up for a lazy movie night, something they both desperately needed. The week before had been grueling for them, filled with studying, practice, and exams. Whenever he closed his eyes, formulas and numbers danced in front of Matteo’s eyelids, which made his already wrecked sleeping schedule even more catastrophic. Meanwhile, David had gotten a minor meltdown about classical art classes and his portfolio – the last of the three he had to finish in total – during their phone call the day before; he had confessed, panic in his voice, that it seemed to be going nowhere and he had already gotten one deadline extension for the thing. So, the decision to mark this Sunday as a day for each other and nothing else whatsoever in their calendars had been an easy one.

Matteo opened the door just as David walked up the last stairs to their floor. On his back, Matteo noticed that he had his guitar case; he would ask about that later. David greeted him with a wide smile and held out a bulging tote bag. 

“That better not have your stuff for the portfolio,” Matteo shook his head at David, and pushed the door open more, retreating further into the flat as David came in and closed the door behind him.

“Oh yeah, I just thought I might as well finish it while we watch a movie,” David answered nonchalantly as he put his shoes on the shoe rack and leaned his guitar case against the wall. Matteo crossed his arms and squinted at David, who turned to look at him with a smirk.

“As if. I brought snacks.”

“Nice.”

Matteo reached out for the bag and took it from David, who handed it over with a fond smile. He couldn’t repress his curiosity and stuck his nose into the tote bag, examining the contents, which consisted of a couple of different bags of crisps as well as a jar of premade dip.

“Oh,” Matteo realized that they were still standing in the hallway, and looked over his shoulder at David, who was watching him, an amused look in his eyes. “You mind if we watch the movie in my room? I really want to lie down. Also, it’s way easier to curl up in some blankets.”

Not to mention it was freezing in the apartment. He had covered himself with two woolen sweaters, his usual sweatpants, a pair of tights Linn had leant him, and two pairs of thick socks, but still, involuntary shivers ran down his spine when he left the warm cocoon that was his duvet. To their luck, Leonie had finally had enough of the heat cutting off for days at a time and had engaged in a rather feisty phone call with their landlord, throwing around names and legal terms like she had a premade list of them. After the phone call, Matteo had been confused and asked who those people were and what the terms actually meant; this had been met with a shrug, followed by a smirk and _I made them up, pretty much, but they promised to fix the heating by the end of next week._

Matteo shook himself out of his reverie and looked expectantly at David.

“Yeah, sure. Sounds more comfortable,” David said and then cocked his head, a teasing grin on his lips. “Sure you’re not gonna fall asleep?”

Matteo scoffed and made his way to his room, throwing the bag on the bed and then face planting on it.

“I think I’m capable of staying awake for one movie, thanks” he said, lifting his head from the comfy sheets and grabbing for the laptop that was lying under the bed as David collapsed next to him, taking Matteo’s spare duvet and rolling it up to place it behind his back. Matteo noted that the guitar case had made it with David into the room, as it was now leaning against his desk.

“Hm, if you say so.”

Matteo switched on the computer and turned to David, trying to muster up an offended expression, but only managing to lie somewhere around amused.

“You think I can’t?”

“Didn’t say that!” David lifted up his hands defensively, but the grin on his face betrayed his attempt at appearing innocent. Matteo poked him in between his ribs, causing David to yelp and laugh, which in turn made Matteo smile fondly.

“Anyway, how’s your charity song coming along? I know you’re doing something incredible with Essam, I mean, their progress is already amazing. How many times have you even done a lesson with them? Twice?”

Matteo hummed and pursed his lips, absentmindedly going through his folders for a movie to watch as he felt the stress about the song rearing its head again. He decided it was easier to answer the second question first.

“Yeah, twice. They’ve got the talent and the spirit. Just need a bit of help with putting that in use properly,” he said, clicking the next folder, which held a lot of animated movies. “They get frustrated quite quickly, though, so the balance between pushing and letting go is still something we’re working on.”

It was more about Matteo being worried he’d upset Essam too much, really. He was used to his own group, knew his friends well and was aware of how far he could push them to get something right. With Essam, he still had to figure out how they worked, as behind their bold and talkative exterior, they had an incredibly powerful drive to succeed.

“Yeah, well, whatever you’re doing is obviously working,” David smiled and bumped his shoulder against Matteo’s. “How about the song you guys are working on?”

Matteo flinched and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose for a moment while gathering his thoughts.

“Well … ‘s coming along just fine, I know it, but… Dunno, it just feels like we’re running out of time even though I know we’re not,” he sighed. “I just–… It feels like a big deal.”

“It’s a big event,” David agreed, and shuffled a bit closer to Matteo.  
  
“It’s a huge event. And I’m still not happy with the arrangement, either, and it should be done by now as we are already practicing. We’re _fucked_.” 

Matteo bumped his head against the wall behind him in frustration. David laughed out warmly, swinging his arm on Matteo’s shoulder and pulling him in for a half hug, rubbing his hand on Matteo’s shoulder. 

“No, you’re _not._ I’m sure the song sounds fantastic. You’re gonna do great, I promise. Have you decided on the movie?”

Matteo leaned against David’s shoulder, basking in his warmth and familiar smell, only now realizing how much he had missed being tucked into David’s side. David was slowly turning into his favourite space heater, and Matteo wondered why he was always this warm.

From his comfortable position, he clicked on one of the files, and a movie with bright colours opened in the viewing programme.

“ _The Road to El Dorado.”_

“Hmm, I’ve never seen it, I think. It’s a kids’ movie, right? By Disney?”

Matteo snorted and shook his head.

“It’s by Dreamworks and filled with jokes and innuendos that are in no way child-friendly, to be honest. And it’s basically a _bisexual manifesto_ – Hans’ words, though, not mine.”

“Uhuh? Now I’m intrigued.”

David hummed and leaned a bit more on the duvet behind him. Matteo pushed the laptop onto his shins and nestled his head further on David’s shoulder. David responded with a reassuring squeeze of his hand, which was still on Matteo’s upper arm. From the corner of his eye Matteo caught a small, private smile on his lips.

Matteo did not stay awake. Somewhere around the twenty minute mark, his eyelids started feeling heavy, lulled by the warmth David ratiated and the steady stream of comments and chuckles that David kept going throughout. Matteo hummed in response when he felt like it, but was glad David didn’t really expect him to reply, as he was content just listening to David’s voice and snorting at his snarky commentary every once in a while.

At some point, he must’ve fallen asleep, as when he opened his eyes again, the movie was already near the end, and he was safely tucked against David’s side, David’s hand securely around his shoulders and his fingers absentmindedly drawing circles on Matteo’s shoulder. He yawned and stretched a bit, only to fall back into his previous position, as it felt comfortable and somehow right. When David stopped drawing the circles, and instead turned to look at Matteo with a soft smile, Matteo almost let out a disappointed whine at the loss of contact.

“I won,” David said, keeping his voice low. Matteo noted that the sounds from the movie had also been turned down. He yawned again and rubbed his eyes, feeling a little out of it.

“Huh?” 

“You fell asleep after all,” David shrugged, still smiling. “I hope it’s not because I’m so boring, though.”

“Oh, yeah. You’re _so_ boring,” Matteo snorted and rolled his eyes. “But you’re also incredibly warm. And comfy.”

“Hmm, you make me sound like a teddy bear or something.”

Matteo snickered and looked at the computer screen with lazy eyes, noting it was now gotten to the end credits were now rolling.

“Did you like the movie?”

“Yeah, actually. Also, I have to agree with Hans - it has some heavy bisexual tones to it. Kinda disappointed they didn’t follow through with it, though,” David frowned. Matteo shrugged and shook his head.

“It’s a kid’s movie from the year 2000. Can’t expect too much.”

David hummed and started to draw some circles in Matteo’s shoulder again. Matteo sighed into it, letting his eyes fall closed. They stayed like that for a while, simply enjoying the moment, before David spoke again, still in that low, soft, and pleasant voice, which Matteo could listen to for hours.

“I forgot to ask, but how are you? With everything going on?”

Matteo opened his eyes and shuffled a bit to straighten his back, but still couldn’t tear himself away completely from the warm comfort of David.

“It’s been difficult, not gonna lie. Seeing my mom and all, along with everything else. But I’m managing.”

“Okay. How’s your mom doing?”

“She’s doing good, now. Very good,” Matteo said, smiling at the memory of their lunch some days back. He then turned to look at David – or tried to, at least, as the position was rather awkward and he had to crane his neck. “She says she’d like to meet you, someday.”

“Oh, really?” David sounded surprised.

“There’s no hurry, though. Or any pressure, sorry if it sounded like it. Just– we’ll just take our time with everything and… Well, you know.”

“I know, don’t worry,” David squeezed Matteo’s shoulder, and Matteo could feel himself relaxing again. “Someday, then.”

Matteo couldn’t help the grin that made its way to his lips, only to be broken by another yawn. All the running from practice to practice and the sleepless nights were really starting to weigh him down.

“You seem like you’re ready for bed,” David chuckled. “How about we see each other tomorrow?”

“Uh, I can’t. I have my therapy appointment, so…”

“Oh, right. Sorry, you probably told me that before.”

“It’s okay, but,” Matteo bit his lip, thinking about his words for a moment, “would– uh… do you want to stay over? For the night?”

They hadn’t spent any nights together since New Year’s, and Matteo felt a bit nervous – he didn’t want to push, as he was well aware David had wanted some time to clear his head and arrange his thoughts, but at the same time, Matteo really missed the closeness of waking curled up next to him and the slow mornings filled with smiles and spilled coffee.

“Oh…” David stayed quiet for a moment, and Matteo was about to take his question back when he added: “I–… I’d love that, actually.”

David smiled at him, his expression sheepish – shy, even – and a sense of relief spread through Matteo. The smile that made its way across his lips was so wide it almost hurt his cheeks. 

“Yeah. I’d love that, too.” 

Matteo then remembered the guitar case David brought along with him, and glanced at the case still securely tucked into the corner against his desk. He tipped David on the nose said: “Play something for me? So I don’t fall asleep on you again?”

“I’ll play a lullaby so you can fall asleep at any time and I can go talk with Leonie,” David joked, shaking his head.

“Play wonderwall for all I care. Only heard you play that one time, you know. Still have to prove you can actually do it,” Matteo said, playing affronted, but secretly, he agreed with David. He was still bone-tired after his nap.

“As if you didn’t tell me you knew a real artist when you saw them,” David retorted and, without waiting for Matteo’s reply, got up to get the guitar. 

Matteo just scoffed. David sat back down on the edge of the bed and zipped the case open, getting out the guitar. It sounded like he was carefully tuning it, and Matteo curled up against the rolled up duvet that David had vacated, getting in a better position to watch him. David glanced at him once, and then for a second time, chuckling. Matteo scrunched up his nose.

“What?”

“I don’t know. Think I’m a bit nervous all of a sudden.”

Matteo hummed and lifted his head.

“Why? Isn’t the guitar like your third hand or something? And it’s just me.”

When David didn’t say anything, and seemed to have just a bit too intense focus on his instrument, it dawned on Matteo, that: “Oh. Is it _because_ it’s me?”

David made a noncommittal sound, shrugging slightly, and Matteo felt stupidly pleased with this newfound information. It was endearing, really. David glanced at him one more time, making Matteo snicker as well, and he laughed again, shaking his head.

Matteo watched as he turned his attention to his guitar, took in a deep breath, and slowly started fingerpicking, gradually increasing in volume. The first notes he sang were smooth like velvet, barely more than a murmur, melancholic. David got bolder and more outward as the song progressed, and Matteo hung on every note he sang, every chord he strung. The lyrics of the song were in a language he didn’t understand, but that only added to the way David’s playing entranced him. 

David had fire in his eyes as he ended the last chorus, drawing out his final note and slowing down as he fingerpicked the last chords. With a little flourish of the neck, he ended the song. The room felt so full of emotion in its silence, noises from the street down below barely filtering through.

David looked up and smiled at him. His eyes held Matteo’s for a few seconds, as if to ground himself, like Matteo was his anchor, which made a warm sense of pride spread through Matteo’s body. Then, David lowered his eyes and began to pick at the next song’s beginning, but the warmth stayed. He looked at David’s concentrated brow, let the more upbeat notes dance around him, and wished that he could stay in this moment forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Are you as excited for the event? Did you like Matteo's mom? And are you as much saps for David's guitar playing as Matteo is? All comments and kudos are dearly appreciated ❤
> 
> There are two little germanisms in this chapter that maybe need explaining:  
> 1\. _Spezi_ is a popular drink, it's a mix of cola and orange soda. You can read more up on it [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spezi).  
> 2\. _Waldmeister_ is a flavour you find in different German desserts, such as jello and ice cream, and also a lot of drinks, such as _Berliner Weiße_ (a low-percentage beer drink) is sometimes called _woodruff_ in English. A link to its Wikipedia page is [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galium_odoratum).
> 
> The weekly updating playlist to go with the chapter can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA)!


	9. All around me are familiar faces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have come to the second-to-last chapter of this fic, which we are so excited to share with you! In this one, the performance for the charity event is upon us, and the nerves are omnipresent... 
> 
> As always, we have a little snippet for you: 
> 
> _Their group was announced, followed by applause, and Matteo felt like he was dunked into ice cold water, his heart hammering and feet glued to the floor as Jonas let go of him, patting his back, and everyone started walking onto the stage, taking their microphones from the box at the edge of the stage. Linn came in front of him and put her hands gently at Matteo’s shoulders, squeezing just a bit to ground him._
> 
> _“Let’s go, then.”_

The morning before the fundraiser had been a rather hectic one. Not necessarily because there was a lot going on, but the overall atmosphere had just had the kind of feeling.

David had startled awake to something crashing loudly in the kitchen and a quick check had told him it was barely eight in the morning. In the kitchen, he had found Laura mumbling to herself and gathering up some pots and pans that had scattered all over the floor. As she had caught him in the doorway, she had smiled sheepishly, saying she had been trying to get a pan to make breakfast, but had lost her balance. David hadn’t been too amused, noting the dark shadows under Laura’s eyes that indicated she had probably stayed awake most of the night, and had ordered her to sit at the table while he had cleaned up and boiled some eggs – splashing only some of the water onto himself and managing not to burn his fingers too badly.

Laura had spent the rest of the morning rambling, while barely eating her eggs and shoving bits of bread into her mouth whenever she saw fit. David had opted to just listen as he nursed a cup of coffee; while Laura had seemed to be on the verge of panic, he had been getting steadily more excited about the upcoming performance, and was now quite eagerly waiting for the night. 

When they had gotten dressed, packed their performance clothes to change before the performance, and were ready to leave the house to meet up the rest of the group for a late lunch before making their way to the venue for the H-hour, Laura had continued her seemingly endless babbling – the only difference being that now she had to shout from her room to David’s. But finally at lunch, it seemed that Laura’s adrenaline rush had dropped a bit, at least judging by the way she had slowed down her talking – or maybe she was just able to relax better with the whole group together, laughing and talking about this and that, deliberately avoiding any discussions about the evening yet, just to keep the buzzing nerves at bay. David found himself quite relieved, as they were on their way to the culture centre where the event was to be held, and Omar cleared his throat.  
  
“So, how are we feeling?”

“Excited,” Sara chimed in. She had a little bounce in her step despite having her finger linked with Leonie’s.

“You kidding? I think I’m going to puke,” Essam sighed, raking their fingers through the electric blue hair that was styled neatly on top of their head. “Pretty sure my heart is about to escape through my mouth.”

“I’ll make sure to catch it and shove it back,” Leonie smirked, earning a huff and smack on the arm from Sara.

“We’re gonna do our thing, like at the rehearsals. There’s no need to worry. We’ll be fantastic,” Laura said, almost murmuring, and nodded to underline the statement. David squinted.

“Are you trying to convince us, or yourself?”

“Uh… Both?”

Laura grimaced and slouched against Omar, who laughed heartily and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“Take a deep breath, Schreibner. We’re gonna be _amazing_.” 

Laura made an unconvinced noise and sighed deeply, but a small smile finally appeared on her face as she nodded. David huffed and shook his head, then turned to Mohammed who was walking next to him.

“Is Amira coming tonight?”

“Yeah!” Mohammed replied with a big smile. “She managed to arrange her shifts so she’ll see the whole thing. She said she’s arriving along with _Sempre Piu_.”

“Oh yeah, I think Matteo said something like that, now that you mention it,” David noted, squinting at the bright light of the setting sun that was now hanging straight ahead of them. He then glanced at Mohammed, who had fallen awfully silent, and found him staring back at him with a smirk on his lips. David let out a deep sigh, and corrected his posture a bit.

“Okay, spill it. I can’t stand you staring at me like you’re trying to figure something out without having to ask.”

“Hmm, am I that obvious?” Mohammed laughed and shook his head. “But since you insist: how are things with you two?”

David hummed, considering his answer for a moment almost out of habit, but caught himself. There was no reason to try to find problems where there were none.

“Good. Things are… very good.”

“Hmm… _Very_ good, huh?”

“Mhm. Things are just– It’s very good.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

Mohammed smiled warmly and patted his hand on David’s back, and he couldn’t help the small grin back, as he sheepishly scratched the back of his head. It had been hard work, and had taken a lot of honesty from both of them, but he and Matteo had found a balance that was working for both of them, growing ever so surely closer by the day. They could easily talk about things that bothered them, and the storm inside David’s head calmed down as he was now able to voice his worries to Matteo without getting lost in his thoughts right away instead of making things worse by overanalyzing.

The first time he had stayed over at Matteo’s after their fight had broken the ice on that front: they made sure to clear out time for each other and spent nights over at each other’s regularly, but also took time to spend with their friends and, in David’s case, his sister. Matteo had been eaten up by the stress; David, who felt now more than free after finishing all his portfolios but worried over him, had made him teacup after teacup and made him go to bed on late nights, letting Matteo curl up against him like an exhausted octopus. Matteo had also gotten himself another emergency appointment at his therapist to talk through his nerves, and luckily it had paid off. All things considered, David was sure they could manage whatever the evening threw at them.

The group reached the event venue and circled around the building to find the right door, finally spotting the smaller entrance hidden on the back of the building. Seeing the venue lobby made them all throw glances at each other: as if to tell each other _this was actually happening, huh?_ They were taken upstairs to a room that looked like a small theater studio with its walls covered by thick black curtains, a black floor, and raising seating. There were already a few other groups chatting in the space – no faces that David recognized, but some of the names did seem familiar, as the bench rows had a piece of paper attached to them with the group name on it.

When they had left their stuff at their designated seats, Laura walked over as well after talking to the staff member keeping an eye at the room and everyone’s belongings.

“Okay, guys listen up!” she called out, dumping her bag and coat onto the seat nearest to the small staircase leading up to their row. “We’re going to attend a quick sound check and our slot is in an hour at the main stage. Meanwhile, there are two unisex changing rooms across the hallway and they say there are some snacks in the room next door for everyone – but don’t you dare to eat chocolate or something before the performance, okay? So anyway, do whatever but be back in 30 and we’ll have a warm up before the sound check.”

People exclaimed their agreement, and Omar, Essam, and Mohammed all launched through the door towards the snack area. David snorted, turning to Leonie and Sara who were taking out their stuff to change into their performance outfits. Sara looked at him, her eyes sparkling.

“This is so cool, to be in an actual event like this,” she grinned widely and did a little swirl with her dress bag. Leonie rolled her eyes, but one could see the veiled fondness in her expression.

“It _is_ pretty cool, I guess. Although Essam did seem a little pale.”

“Yeah, well, this is the first time for us in such a place,” David tilted his head, trying to recall their past performances, but nothing really compared to a benefit like this, with a cause so important. “And for Essam it’s the first time with the lead vocals so it’s a given that they're a little stressed out.”

“They’ll be fantastic, though, I’m sure,” Sara hummed, smoothing away the small wrinkles from the black dress she had just taken out of her bag. “You heard them at the last rehearsal. It was insanely good, like, I don’t know what they and Matteo have been doing at the practice but I’m gonna sign up to whatever it was to get to that level.”

“Yeah, don’t think so,” David huffed out a laugh, digging out his own dress shirt out from his garment bag along with a straight pant.

“You jealous?”

David startled and turned around, finding a smirking Matteo behind him, dressed in a black slim fit dress shirt and well-fitting black jeans. He looked so different and polished it had taken David aback, leaving him somewhat short of breath. He stayed quiet for a tad too long, because the next thing he registered was Matteo’s very smug grin. Leonie cleared her throat and threw an arm over David’s shoulder before leaning in closer.

“The italian got your tongue?”

David sputtered, making all three of them burst out laughing. Sam popped up behind Matteo, greeting Sara and Leonie with a quick kiss to the corners of their mouths, and David by wrapping him into a short but warm hug. Her whole being seemed to be vibrating.

“It’s the day! How are we? Excited? I sure am!”

“Talk for yourself, Sam,” Matteo said with a drawn out sigh, but grinned as Sam swatted his shoulder.

“You’re such a killjoy. This is an _amazing_ opportunity to raise money, and maybe even get new great opportunities in the process!” Sam rambled, wildly swishing her hands to emphasize her words. Matteo exchanged a look with David as Sara got involved into the ramble, their excitement and energy level a bit overwhelming. David took a step closer to Matteo and glanced at the girls quickly.

“I’m going to change my clothes, so…”

“I’m going with you,” Matteo said immediately, following David down the seating stairs, leaving the others behind them, and over to the dressing room. The joint dressing room they entered had a couple of people still changing and finishing their outfits for the night. David found a free spot a bit tucked away, and hung his shirt and pants onto a hook on the wall as Matteo came with him, and flopped himself onto an unoccupied chair in the corner, sighing loudly and dropping his head back. David chucked, pulling off his grey long sleeve and abandoning it onto the floor as he took the dress shirt and started buttoning it up.

“Nervous?”

“Yeah, fuck. There’s probably going to be a fuckton of people.”

David adjusted the collar of his shirt before swiftly slipping away his jeans and putting on his slim dress pants, tucking the shirt in carefully.

“Hmm, probably.”

“How are you so calm about it?” Matteo whined, correcting his posture and running a hand through his hair. “I’m about to run out of the door and never come back.”

“I’m sure your friends would greatly appreciate that,” David snorted, struggling a bit with the yellow tie he attempted put on, and tamed his smile into a – hopefully – assuring one. “You’ll be fantastic, though.”

Matteo made a noncommittal sound, got up from the chair and swatted David’s hands away, tying the tie for him quickly, and seemingly effortlessly. David raised his brows in surprise, turning his gaze from the tie to Matteo, who shrugged and sat back down.

“A choir boy from a young age, I knew how to tie it by the time I reached elementary school.”

“Impressive.”

“I guess. What’s with the white shoes? I thought you liked your edgy vampire aesthetic,” Matteo pointed a finger at his shoes and he looked at his feet, to the pure white canvas sneakers he had chosen to wear.

“ _Edgy vampire_? You flatter me. But we, um, are wearing the colours of the nonbinary flag. Yellow, white, purple and black,” David explained, tapping on his tie, “I opted for not wearing any yellow, though.”

Matteo nodded, glancing down on himself.

“We’re just wearing black. You know, to fit the _cheerful_ topic.”

“Oh yeah,” David suddenly realized, picking up his discarded clothes from the floor, “What is your song?”

“I never told you?” Matteo frowned a bit, probably trying to remember their past discussions. “I guess I didn’t… Uh, it’s _Mad World_.”

“Oh,” David nodded, and then stopped in his tracks to look over to Matteo, as his brain caught up with what the song actually was. “ _Oh_.”

“Hmm, yeah. You ready? I should get going to the warm-up.”

David nodded, still processing the information. _Mad World_ was a fantastic song and would definitely sound great, but knowing the theme of the event, it made something twist in David’s stomach a bit unpleasantly.

“Yeah… Um, you feeling okay? About the performance?”

“Um, yeah, I’m–… I mean, uh, like we discussed before, it’s just kind of overwhelming so I’m a bit on edge, I guess, so, uh...” Matteo mumbled, getting back onto his feet and shuffling his weight on them a bit, swiping the back of his hand over his mouth and finally bringing it down to fiddle with his cuff. David watched him for a moment, followed his fidgeting and cast down eyes, and he got the feeling that _a bit on edge_ was a massive understatement.

“Hey,” David said softly, feeling a mix of compassion and affection, and took a step closer, hooking his clothes on to one arm. “Come ‘ere.”

He took another step closer, now being right in front of Matteo, and opened his other arm as an offer for a hug. Matteo’s shoulders sagged a little and he dropped his head on David’s shoulder, taking in a deep breath, as David curled his arm tightly on Matteo’s shoulder, and felt Matteo lightly tangling his fingers at his back of shirt. They stood there for a short moment, letting the calm soothe away the worst edge of the nerves, until there was a cough from the direction of the changing room door. Matteo lifted his head and they both turned to see a smug Jonas.

“Sorry to interrupt your moment, but Laura and Sam decided on a joint warm up before the sound checks, so you should probably join us.”

With that, he disappeared again. Reluctantly, they let go of each other and followed behind him, and David felt Matteo hooking a few fingers around his own for a short while. He squeezed them comfortingly, and Matteo didn’t let go the whole way to the studio, so David could ditch his spare clothes, and the warm up room.

***

When _Sempre Piu_ was up for their sound check and the group stepped into the event hall for the first time, Matteo seriously contemplated to scram. The hall had all the lights still on, so he could see all the set tables and hundreds of seats around the hall, as well as the huge stage they were going to be singing on. He felt his mouth going dry, and just before he turned to Sam to inform her he was not going to be able to pull this off, Amira appeared to his side and gently bumped into his shoulder with her own.

“When the lights are off and you’re being blinded by the spotlights, you won’t be able to see anyone,” she said, nodding towards the seating.

“Yeah… Thanks,” he sighed out, doing his best to believe her, and remembered again just how much he appreciated having Amira as a friend. Amira smiled, bumping into him again, before returning to her conversation with Kiki, ever so effortlessly. A staff member directed them to the stage, gave them a quick tour of the backstage area, and explained how they’d be able to get to the backstage and back from the common area. Finally, they directed them to the middle of the stage. Amira had sat down in the front row to wait, and Sam went with the woman, as they had agreed she’d be in charge of the technicalities and the overall look. 

Matteo and Linn stood at the front, a couple of meters apart and others a fair distance away from them in a half circle, when a couple members of the sound technician team came to bring them handheld microphones. Matteo stared at the mic in his hand, following the web-like pattern of the grill and willing his heart to slow down a bit, reminding himself that it was only a sound check they were doing. After some more adjusting with the LED-background behind them, they ran through a quick test of the mics, everyone testing out theirs one after another before they finally did short singing parts here and there to adjust the levels. It was over much sooner than Matteo thought, which was quite a relief because it meant that they had an hour more before the start of the event.

They gave the mics away and people were now starting to hype up the performance, nerves turning into energetic joy and enthusiasm. Matteo couldn’t really join in, but didn’t want to be the one to bring them down either, so he thought it’d be best to go somewhere more private, and cool down a bit before their showtime – to focus. Just as he was thinking of escaping, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to Linn, who was looking at him with wide eyes.

“Could we go somewhere more quiet for a while?”

She looked so nervous it came off almost as if she was scared, making Matteo feel a bit guilty for dragging her to a position where she would feel like this.

“Sure. I was just thinking the same.”

“I know.”

Linn smiled slightly and called out to others that they would be away for a bit. Before anyone got a chance to comment, Amira, who had now joined the group again, answered with _okay_ and thumbs up, then telling them they’d see each other again after the performance. Matteo nodded appreciatively, and followed after Linn who led the way out of the hall. After checking both changing rooms and the little studio their belongings had been left to, but finding all of them too crowded, they ended up finding a small, unlocked room that seemed like it was a combination of a cleaning closet and a prop storage. They looked at each other, shrugged, and settled into the room, finding a pile of big boxes that served well enough as a seat, sitting on it side by side.

They stayed quiet for a long time, simply enjoying the presence of each other like they had many times when Matteo was still in his worst spiral. Matteo closed his eyes for a while, focusing on his breathing, and thought about the upcoming performance, slowly but surely feeling a bit better about it. After counting slowly to two hundred, he finally opened them and let gaze roam around the room lazily, looking at the things the messy space held and letting it ground him, as well as distracting him for a moment: a silver, shiny prop sword, a bright red pair of ballerina shoes, a hood with a colourful lion mane, a massive baby’s dummy, a half broken hula hoop with glitter all over it, a show poster from 2004…

“So this is it, huh.”

Linn’s voice was small and soft, but still made Matteo jump a little bit after such a long time of silence. He sucked in a breath and held it for a second before breathing out slowly, nodding.

“Yeah.”

Linn checked the time from her phone, and stood up. Matteo frowned a little confused, and Linn turned her screen to him, showing it was only 15 minutes before the doors would open and the event would start. So it really was time.

“Are you ready?” she asked, slipping her phone back to her black lace dress’ pocket. Matteo bit his lip.

“Are you?”

Linn chuckled and shook her head. Matteo snorted and shook his head as well.

“Let’s go, then.”

***

David felt at home now that he was standing on stage. He had always enjoyed performing, and taken that it was Essam who would be the focus this time, he was ready to just enjoy the pleasant rush of adrenaline that always filled his body during a show. 

Some groups had already been on stage, and the presenter of the a cappella event – a friendly guy with a semicolon tattooed on his wrist – had just announced them. Laura and Essam had gone up to him to talk about the song they were performing: at their last general practice, they had discussed and decided Essam and Laura would both do it, and that Laura would explain the technical side of the performance and Essam the reason why they had chosen it. David only listened with half an ear, as he had heard the explanation multiple times already – sure that the presenter was likely to hardly get a word in between the two – and used the time to take in the concert hall. The spectators were seated at cozy-looking tables, their expectant faces lit by candlelight and the lamps that were discreetly lit in the corners of the room. Thankfully, the sight of them didn’t induce a new wave of nervousness in him: he was proud of what Essam had accomplished and looked forward to aiding them with sharing their story.

Laura gave a final nod to the presenter, and she and Essam came back to the group. Essam dropped their shoulders a bit in relief, the first feat of the evening accomplished, and David gave them a quick thumbs up. With a nod from Laura, they all got into position, forming a small triangle, and faced the audience. Laura gave out the first note and they all harmonized. She gave them the note again, and they harmonized again, this time a bit louder. Essam let out a noticeable sigh and David saw their shoulders square up and then relax.  
  
 _I’ve learned to slam on brake_ _  
__Before I even turn the key_

Together, they had created the base for Essam’s first line, which they sang out rather tentatively, like they were slowly moving into a room, unsure where to look.  
  
 _Before I make the mistake, before I lead with the worst of me_

For a beat, it felt like they would lose their balance, run off too fast like they had done several times in practice, but they caught themself and continued. Laura’s powerful, drawn out supporting note chimed rich under Essam’s words when they smoothly flowed into the bridge.  
  
 _Step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned_ _  
_  
They moved with their words, not quite pantomime, looking at the floor and then the ceiling, and the others were following close behind, completely losing themselves in the music that they were creating, the story they were telling, precisely hitting every note – a bit softer and then stronger, one after another.  
  
 _On the outside, always looking in_ _  
__Will I ever be more than I've always been?_

When they started the refrain, they all faced the audience, their first refrain subdued, giving all the focus for Essam, and he almost spoke instead of singing, silent hurt bubbling behind the hushed words. It was powerful, nonetheless. The second verse came in louder, growing rapidly, like a cry for help, and the refrain that followed was a climb to a top they were not going to reach just yet, with some little embellishments in Essam’s singing, like they were now trying reach out to someone and make a connection.  
  
 _But every sun doesn't rise, and no one tells you where you went wrong_

Their voices quieted down, nothing more than Essam’s to be heard: they were alone now, alone with their thoughts, their loneliness, far from being understood. Their last crescendo to the top was a real outcry, an accusation, a declaration that they would be heard, that they _wanted_ to be seen for who they were.  
  
 _Did I even make a sound?_ _  
__It's like I never made a sound_ _  
__Will I ever make a sound?_

David let his voice carry with new power behind it and felt the exhilaration in the whole group: they were now at the last part, Essam had been heard, and from what he could see from little peeks at the audience, their eyes were transfixed on Essam, who was standing in front, giving it their all, _showing_ themself to the world for who they were.  
  
 _Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?_ _  
__Is anybody waving?_

They let their last notes fade out, Essam signing off with a last, drawn-out _woah_ , like a shooting star to fulfil the wish they had now sung from the bottom of their heart. David watched how Essam’s shoulders rose and sank rapidly, the exertion evident, not only from singing, but also from the sheer exhaustion of being known. The audience burst into applause, some whistling out, and Laura and Omar went forward to hold Essam’s hand, David held hands with Mohammed and Leonie and smiled at them, his happiness reflected in their eyes. 

The clapping lasted for what felt like minutes, and David felt an immense sense of pride for Essam and what their group had achieved. After another bow, and the group also applauding Essam, they went to the backstage area; Essam was still holding Laura’s hand, Omar’s arm slung around their shoulders from the other side. 

As soon as they entered the backstage area, Amira flung herself into Essam’s arms, paying no regards to the rest of the group. David was right behind them and could hear their conversation: Amira greeted them with a _I’m so proud of you_ and a _I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like that_ to which Essam replied with a _Thank you, Litschi_. It made David’s heart clench, because it was very much how Laura had reacted in the time after his coming out. A wide grin spread on his face when he overheard Amira telling Essam that they were their wonderful sibling but would always stay her favorite _Fruchtzwerg_. Then she waved Omar over, and together, they went for a sibling group hug, which seemed to be very heartfelt, Essam even had their eyes closed and a single tear running down their cheeks was caught by their smile. David looked over at the rest of their group and caught Leonie’s eye, grinning at her, which she returned brightly. They had done well.

After the siblings had had their moment, the whole group was pulled into a hug pile, everyone now giggling as the adrenaline started to wear off. They stayed like a heap of limbs until someone pointedly told them they were blocking the door for the next group to go on stage. Amira took Essam’s hand, the rest of them crowding around them, to go to the concert hall and wait for _Sempre piu_ ’s performance.

***

Matteo found it difficult to focus on _Dolce Fermata_ ’s performance as his own brain felt like a tumbled mess, his nerves taking over in double despite his best efforts. For the past hour, during which all of the other groups had performed, the urge to beat it had grown even stronger, but the tight hold that Linn had of his arm held him in place. And if he was being honest, it wasn’t a real urge – simply a panic reaction. He was there to prove something to himself and no one else, and all the work he’d put into the performance wasn’t about to be in vain. 

The whole group was silently standing around them, a little closer than normally, and it did feel very reassuring to have all his close friends around him. Hans had texted some time ago that he was in the audience with Santeri, Mia and Victoria, and Amira has also sent him one more _good luck!!_ message – finally tagged along the others as Mohammed and her siblings were there. So technically, the place and time was the best they could be. 

He did his best to listen to the last refrain of _Waving through a window_ , and a small smile rose to his lips involuntarily – Essam really made use of all of the things they’d been over. The loud cheering from the crowd proved just how well they had performed, and if it wasn’t for the tightening know in his stomach, Matteo would have been immensely proud. In the end, they had found a good balance in their practices, and Matteo even attended a couple of group practices as well by Laura’s invitation – just to hear how the overall result was – until he dropped away from their last practices to completely focus on their own performance, as well as to sleep as much as he could, the nights curled up against David proving to be his favourite ones.

Matteo felt a sense of disappointment as he saw _Dolce Fermata_ had exited the stage to the other side. He ran a hand through his hair, breathing out sharply, and bit his thumb quite hard to direct some of the anxiety elsewhere. Jonas stepped next to him and took his hand, wrapping his own into it and squeezing tightly. Matteo squeezed back as tightly as he could, and glanced at Jonas who grinned and nodded his head, reassuringly, as to give a permission for Matteo to crush his hand if that was what it took to help him calm down. 

Their group was announced, followed by applause, and Matteo felt like he was dunked into ice cold water, his heart hammering and feet glued to the floor as Jonas let go of him, patting his back, and everyone started walking onto the stage, taking their microphones from the box at the edge of the stage. Linn came in front of him and put her hands gently at Matteo’s shoulders, squeezing just a bit to ground him.

“Let’s go, then.”

She echoed Matteo’s earlier words, her smile tight-lipped, but assured. She was brave for him, Matteo realized, and had been so many times. For her sake, it was time for him to be brave for her – and himself – as well. So he swallowed thickly, and nodded quickly, letting Linn pull him to the microphones, and onto the stage.

He noticed immediately that Amira had been wrong about not seeing the audience – he could see all the people at their tables, all around the hall, clapping and smiling. Sam pulled him with her to do a short joined interview with the host – well, more of an interview where she was talking and he agreed, adding next to nothing when asked as he was too pent up to actually form any coherent sentences. He was relieved when the host finally took pity on him and announced their song once again, letting them take their places. Matteo walked to the front, and turned to look at Linn who was now standing levelled with him a couple meters away. Her eyes were big and Matteo nodded. She nodded back. He turned, and saw the white background on the big led screen right behind them all, with a single, simple semicolon in the middle of it, strangely gaunt, yet so hopeful. He then looked at Sam, who stood in the crescented backrow placed further away at the stage, and she nodded, lifting her thumb up. Matteo took a deep, slow breath and let his hand with the mic to drop next to him. He heard Sam giving out the first note, everyone harmonizing once, and then counting.

_1, 2, 3, 4._

The girls started with a short, melodic intro, all the guys following shortly behind, to create the base for the song – a mood for it to land. And then, they fell in complete silence.

 _All around me are familiar faces_ _  
__Worn out places, worn out faces_

Linn sang the first lines, her voice fragile and slightly trembling from her nervousness, but nevertheless bright and utterly beautiful. Matteo felt like he was lifting the weight of his past years by bringing the microphone up to his lips, and joining Linn with his own complementary part, others still in silence, and doing his best to ignore the shakiness of his own voice.

_Bright and early for their daily races_

_Going nowhere, going nowhere_

They were joined by Hanna, and then by Jonas, the four of them harmonizing their notes perfectly. Something inside Matteo shifted, making it just a little bit easier to breathe for a moment, and the rest of the group joined in with a calm, deep hum for the for the first refrain – the heavy and rich sound of the group filling out the air, leaving no space for anything but the slow and smooth vibration of their voices.

_Mad world_

In the next verse, the others were holding up a slowly growing, waving background sound, but for a moment, Matteo felt like he was completely alone: standing in the spotlight in the middle of the darkness, and singing out the opening lines, the heaviness still hanging on him like it was made for him – made to stay.

_Children waiting for the day, they feel good_

_Happy birthday, happy birthday_

Linn joined back in, Hanna and Jonas as well, and it was lighter to sing again, feeling like there was someone there with you. Their sounds bounced and danced next to each other, and it would have been almost fun, if it wasn’t for the fact that each word seemed like a needle under his feet, finally making them slow down. They were swallowed by the echo of their own sound.

_I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad_

_The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had_

They all started silently and Matteo knew the back row was now slowly walking towards him and Linn at the front of the stage, as was planned. It was a painful confession to make, and for anyone to hear. Despite singing it so many times, the weight it held hit Matteo like a ten pound brick as the words finally left his lips again in the second refrain. 

_I find it hard to tell you_

_I find it hard to take_

The voices got louder and louder, gaining more power with each word and step. Matteo couldn’t find the power, leaning completely on muscle memory, feeling so overwhelmed now everyone was around him and Linn, the voices in full forte being too loud in his ears he had an urge to press his palms over them to escape it. 

_When people run in circles it's a very, very_

Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut, now last crescendos chiming around him.  
  
 _Mad world_

He felt his voice giving out, and knew if he tried to get it out again, it’d be a doomed attempt. 

_Enlargen your world_

And so, it was only Linn, who’s soft voice filled the room one more time, otherwise total silence surrounding it like the whole audience had stopped breathing. Matteo probably had.  
  
 _Mad world_

When he opened his eyes again, people were cheering _loudly_. He felt like he was simultaneously floating and being pulled underground. He jumped a little as Linn threw herself on his neck, squeezing him into a hug. It gave him enough f eeling of a reality to blink and take a deep breath, as well as to realize it was now done; he actually _did it_.

Linn took his hand and held it so tightly it almost hurt, as they made their bow. She was smiling freely, and bright like a sun that had peeked out from behind the clouds for the first time in a long, long time. But as much as Matteo felt happy for her, he felt a knot that had been in his stomach clenching harder, now pressing on his chest and throat as well. 

He tugged at Linn’s hand as discreetly as possible, feeling relieved as Linn turned to look at him with questioning eyes. Matteo glanced towards the backstage area, noting that he had unconsciously started tugging at his collar, and the question on Linn’s face turned to understanding and then concern, all in a short second. She tugged back, leading Matteo off of a stage. Matteo assumed the others were behind them, but was starting to hear only static.

He realized he needed to leave this space, tucked away and hidden to get back from inside of his head – and he needed to do it now. And he said as much to Linn – or at least hoped he was somewhat coherent.

“Matteo, wait. Are you sure you–?”

“I need to be alone. Just a moment. I want– I need to–”

Without finishing his sentence, he took off, walking aimlessly out form the backstage door, up the stairs, hoping his beating heart wouldn’t jump out and roll away, just like he had spilled his guts on the stage behind him.

***

From the moment David had seen Matteo walk on stage, he had held his breath. He knew what this song meant to Matteo, how much sleep and energy it had cost him these last few months. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his knee, and looking up, he saw Laura biting her lip, holding onto his knee for dear life, and whispering something about wanting to comfort Linn as she was sure to be nervous. The performance hadn’t even started and Sam, with very minimal help from Matteo, was now presenting their group and the song.

Even though he didn’t believe in any higher power, David tried to channel all his positive energy to Matteo, smiling in his direction as he saw Matteo and Linn go to the front. They were holding hands until they got to their mic stands, and David knew that they both needed that kind of support to get through this. He leaned forward unconsciously, making sure to focus completely.

After the first introductory notes, Linn started out. When she sang her first line, Laura gripped David’s knee even tighter, and as Matteo joined her, David placed his hand on top hers to ground them both. Their voices were angelic, but at the same time, there was a gravity in them that gave the impression they had the heaviness of the world on their shoulders. The subtlety with which they slowly increased their volume and then almost became silent was entrancing, it pulsed like a beating wound, like they were trying to fly but were beaten down every time. There was this push and pull, this vibrating energy, melancholic and powerful at the same time. 

By the end of the second verse, when the group went into their grand crescendo and then the sound fell gradually away again, Laura had buried her face in the crook of his neck, and he felt a wetness on his shirt that could only be tears, silent sobs rocking her body. He had to bite at the inside of his cheek, forcing himself to look up at the image Linn and Matteo made, two lost angels, illuminated by the warm spotlights, sending their lament out into the world. He managed not to cry, blinking a few times, but for the whole performance, his shoulders had been tense, and the hand that wasn’t lying on top of Laura’s had been a clenched fist on his thigh.

One by one, the others fell away, until only Linn’s voice rang out into the room with a last _Mad world,_ scarcely more than a whisper. It travelled through the air, hung around, transfixing the audience for a moment longer, and when it disappeared, the clapping started up. David kept his eyes on the stage, where Linn first seemed to pull Matteo in a strangling hug, and then took his hand again for the bows. He registered that the others in the group had come to stand behind them, but he only had eyes for Matteo – who now seemed very restless to him. Then, Linn and Matteo went to the back, even as the audience was still clapping, the rest of the group giving a last bow and disappearing from the stage as well.

His sister was still clasping his knee, probably anxiously waiting until Linn came into the room, and he decided to wait with her. He put his arm around Laura, who was wiping at her eyes and let out a watery _wow_. He quickly looked to his other side and saw Sara was rather stricken herself; Leonie was holding her hand and softly speaking into her ear. She looked in his direction and pointed at the bar, indicating that they would leave to get a drink. David nodded and noticed that behind them, Mohammed had his arm around Amira, who was furiously blowing her nose. He couldn’t help a small smile that grew on his lips – the song had truly touched everyone.

Beside him, Laura had been craning her neck, blinking away the last tears, looking for her girlfriend. He heard a little shriek and then Laura almost toppled over her chair, wrenching her hand from David’s grip, when Linn was suddenly standing next to their table.

Linn and Laura hugged like their lives depended on it, like Laura wanted to make sure that Linn was still with her, alive. When they separated, she held Linn’s face in her hands, her lip wobbling in a way that indicated she was on the brink of crying again, telling her how much she meant to Laura, that she was so grateful that she had agreed to do this, and that her performance had been everything. Linn said something back that was probably equally sappy, but was lost in the general chatter of the room, and Laura let out a loud sob, after which she passionately kissed her girlfriend.

David averted his eyes, looking around the room. In a sofa in the far left corner, he spotted Sam, who was now curled up with Leonie and Sara; they seemed to be talking amongst themselves, and he watched as Leonie carefully stroked her braids behind her ear and kissed her cheek, while Sara held Sam’s hand, while Sam herself had a relieved grin on her face. At the bar, he saw the rest of Matteo’s group, who had now been joined by Mohammed, Amira, and her siblings. That just left Matteo, who was nowhere to be seen.

Laura plopped back down next to him and pulled a very tired Linn on her lap, lacing their fingers together on Linn’s lap and leaning her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder. David didn’t want to disturb their peace, but also knew that Linn could tell him where Matteo had gone – and was probably the only one that could.

“Hey, Linn,” he began, “you were wonderful out there. Your singing was so eerie and beautiful, it worked so well with Matteo.”

“Thank you,” Linn said, a shy smile on her lips, and looked down at where her hands were joined with Laura’s.

“It was really great, I mean it. But, listen, I uh– Do you by any chance know where Matteo went?”

He felt almost guilty for bothering her, as Linn was obviously very tired after the emotional performance, but David couldn’t help it; he wanted to see Matteo, to hold him like he had seen his sister do with her girlfriend.

“Uh… He left out of the technicians’ door of the changing room when we left the stage. To calm down.”

Linn swallowed and made circles with her thumb on Laura’s hand. David got a very uneasy feeling in his stomach. The performance really had taken a lot out of Matteo, even more he had expected.

After a pause, Linn then lifted her eyes to meet David’s, and continued: “He told me he wanted to be left alone, but… I think it’d be good if you went to him and I’m sure he’d appreciate it, too.”

David immediately got up from his chair. He thanked Linn and left without another word. He didn’t look at the others, either, just navigated through the mass of tables to the door. The stage was currently occupied by a dj, as Matteo’s group had been the last to perform, and people were blocking the way to the main entrance to the hall, so he opted to go out the side door rather than jump up the stage or try to make his way to the front of the room.

When he entered the corridor that led to the changing rooms, he was almost running, his heavy footfalls muffled by the carpet. He almost slipped in his eagerness to reach the door but found that Matteo was not there. He went through the room and found that there was another door, leading to the tech room. For a moment, he looked at the door, all tucked away and hidden, sure he’d found what he was looking for. He went over to it and knocked on it, and as when there was no response, he opened it slowly, stepping inside.

He immediately spotted Matteo, who was sitting against a large speaker, and made to get up when he saw it was David who had entered the room. David motioned at him to keep sitting and approached him. He was very thankful to note that he didn’t look particularly distressed anymore, although he did look like he hadn’t slept in a year.

“What are you doing here?” Matteo asked, his words barely above a whisper, and closed his eyes, his whole face relaxing.

“Linn said you were here. I thought to come and see if you wanted some company,” David said as he sat down next to Matteo, just far away that they weren’t touching, but easy enough to reach if Matteo wanted to move closer to him.

Matteo hummed in response, and David laid his hand between their legs, letting it rest on the vinyl floor. He then let his eyes roam over the room, taking in the neatly organized cords and fancy musical equipment on the walls. For a bit, neither of them said anything, but they didn’t need to; it was clear that Matteo wanted him here.

Finally, he felt Matteo tentatively lace his fingers through his own, and he heard him let out a long, deep sigh; he glanced at Matteo when he heavily leaned his head on David’s shoulder. More than happy to bear him, David placed a small kiss in the unruly strands that covered part of his vision. After all these months of knowing him, David realized that Matteo had really started to smell like home – even if his hair was greasy, even if he gave off a slight stench of sweat, probably because of the stress the performance had caused him.

“That was a lot.”

Matteo’s words were so mumbled that he barely understood them.

He let go of Matteo’s hand and wrapped his arm around Matteo’s back, pulling him even closer, until he was almost sitting on his lap; David stretched out his legs, and Matteo crawled up until he was all the way seated on them. He buried his face in David’s neck, as if he wanted to hide from the world a little bit longer.

“Thank you,” Matteo breathed out, tickling the sensitive skin at the back of David’s neck, making him shiver involuntarily. Then, he poked into David’s side. “You smell of sweat.”

“Like you don’t,” David said, ruffling Matteo’s hair. “At least I don’t look like a drowned rat.”

“Hey,” Matteo said, retaliating by blowing some more air into David’s neck.

“That tickles,” David chuckled, poking into Matteo’s stomach.

The last of the tension from the performance disappeared, and for a few minutes, they fought each other in a light-hearted tickling match, during which Matteo somehow managed to stay rooted on David’s lap, but had turned around to tickle at David’s knees, so he was now sitting with his back to David.

Matteo relented his efforts and slumped back, resting his head on David’s chest. David embraced him, tangling their hands together.

Matteo brought them up a few times, pulling them together and then away from each other again, before he settled them on his stomach.

“I, uh, don’t know if I want to go out there yet,” he said, stalling his words. David squeezed his hands in reassurance.

“There is no hurry, we can stay if you want. Well, until the cleaning staff kicks us out, anyway.”

“Okay.”

A few people had entered the changing room, probably to get some stuff that had gotten left behind, their voices muffled by the walls of the room they were sitting in. But David and Matteo were in no hurry. They remained in their bubble. 

Comfortably intertwined. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Matteo did it!! He performed the song! And David had a lot of fun! Also, they really have found their balance again in this one, haven't they? What did you think? Commments and kudos are dearly appreciated ❤
> 
> The songs sung in this chapter are:
> 
> \- [_Waving through a window_](https://open.spotify.com/track/3YrYUAhdXIMI5w0LaCujCJ) by The Vocal Company (original from the _Dear Evan Hansen_ Soundtrack)  
> \- [_Mad world_](https://open.spotify.com/track/797BHDuoGYFktk5fFqeJwS) by The Inversions(original by Tears for Fears, but here an a cappella version of the Gary Jules cover).
> 
> The weekly updating playlist, where a cappella versions of the songs used as well as other mood-setting music are featured, is [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA)!


	10. Tiedäthän että pysyn tässä vierelläsi maailman tappiin asti

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it you guys! 10 weeks flew by and here we are with the last chapter - and a rather lenghty one as well. So, without further ado, enjoy the grand finale ❤
> 
> As always, here's a little taste before the final run:
> 
> _“That was so bad!”_  
>  _“You laughed, though.”_  
>  _“Reflex. You ain’t that funny.”_  
>  _“Oh fuck you, David. I’m a delight.”_

“David!”

Laura’s shriek echoed through their apartment, making Matteo startle on top of him; David frowned, a little offended at this sudden interruption. Next thing he knew, his door flew open and Laura burst into the room, immediately yelping and covering her eyes.

“Oh god, please say you’re not fully naked.”

“Jesus, Laura. Learn to knock,” David snapped, attempting to grab Matteo who scrambled off of him and off the bed, both of them down to nothing but their boxers. In a way, it was probably good she ran in now and not a few minutes later, David duly noted as he got himself into sitting position. 

“What’s up?”

“Your fucking paint water mugs, David. I’ve told you not to leave them all over the kitchen table!” Laura replied. She was now pointedly staring at the wall across the room, seemingly to avoid any more unnecessary sights. “I’ve told you a million times before. Fuck, I hope the colours you used were non-toxic.”

“Hmm. Can’t say, depends on how much of them you devoured.”

David didn’t miss the snort coming from Matteo’s direction, who had now pulled the nearest sweater over his head. David turned to glance at him and Matteo seemed more amused than anything, looking back and forth between him and Laura. 

“How much I dev–? Oh, you absolute fucker! I’ve got a project deadline tomorrow, my headphones are broken – oh yeah, I’ve heard everything ever since the morning, don’t look at _me_ like that –, I just drank _paint…_ And will you _please_ put on some clothes?”

Laura ended her rant by throwing the nearest piece of clothing in David’s direction, hitting him squarely in the face with a pair of jeans. Matteo was now full on giggling at the situation, and Laura sharply turned to him.

“Always nice to see you, Matteo, though I hope the next time is without your hard-on in plain sight,” she snarked, making Matteo shut his mouth immediately, and David was pretty sure he seemed a bit redder than a few seconds ago. He sighed and scowled at Laura.

“Stop bothering him. It’s not our fault you haven’t seen your girlfriend for a while thanks to her tree-hugging project on top of some northern fjelds,” David rolled his eyes, but slipped on the jeans Laura had chucked at him.

Matteo scoffed, gently hitting his arm, and said: “It’s not tree-hugging, it’s for her PhD.”

“I know, I know. But I’m left to deal with my touch-starved and snappy sister for the time being,” David sighed, then narrowing his eyes at Laura. “And as if I haven’t heard and _seen_ too much. Like this one time you dropped Linn off the bed in the middle of your acts and had me bring ice for her forehea–“

“Oh, you’re dead,” Laura hissed, her cheeks now flushed, grabbing a handful of clothes off the floor, throwing them in his direction. He dodged them and fled from the bed to hide behind Matteo who was now cackling next to the bed.

“ _That’s_ why she had that painful bump on her forehead? Oh man, and she said it was because she walked into a door–”

“Say another word, Florenzi, and I won’t spare you,” Laura pointed an accusing finger at Matteo, squinting as he lifted his hands up in surrender. David wasn’t planning on it, though. Probably a little brother thing. Instead, he slipped his hands around Matteo’s waist and plopped chin on his shoulder, mustering up the most fake worried expression on his face.

“You’re rather feisty this evening. I wonder what did that. Was the taste of your evening tea foul?”

Matteo turned his head to glance at him with wide eyes, and David smirked at Laura who first gaped at him. Then, full fury flamed in her eyes.

“ _Get out of my sight._ ”

She launched herself towards both of them and David escaped, laughing. He jumped on the bed and over it, grabbing a hoodie in passing while making a quick exit from the room. Laura didn’t come after him, but as he turned in the corridor, he saw Laura ushering Matteo towards David, now in sweatpants, and threw a ball of socks his way which he caught by reflex, mid-air.

“Have some socks. Here’s the boyfriend. Stay out for the night,” she emphasized every sentence and gave Matteo a light shove, careful enough not to push him too hard, and pointed at the front door, her face stern. Then she let her hand drop, turning on her heels and walking towards the kitchen while muttering something about how Linn was her rock and her balance. David stood his ground, looked down at the socks, and then stared after her, feeling a bit giddy all of the sudden. He was snapped out of it by Matteo, who bumped a shoulder against his. David blinked and turned to face at him, finding Matteo looking back at him with warm eyes.

“So it’s my place for the night?” he asked, and David managed a nod, feeling a grin breaking onto his face.

“Yeah.”

David was still in the process of getting used to the word _boyfriends_ , even if it had been a couple of weeks by now since they had finally made it official. He remembered the day vividly, and had been thinking about making them something a little more permanent quite literally since they’d gotten home from the fundraiser. At the venue, Hans had burst out crying immediately when he saw Matteo after the show was over and they made their way back to the crowd from the tech room. They had hugged for a long time while Santeri and David had talked about the performances on the side, Santeri patting his shoulder with pride on his face. Somehow, the situation made David think he and Hans, who had still cradled Matteo and petted his back while still sniffing, would make fantastic parents one day, if they so chose. 

After they had spent some more time with their friends – Mohammed and Amira hugging them both tightly, Sara basically tackling Matteo, and Carlos and Abdi demanding David’s phone number to add him to the guys’ group chat, which increased the amount of messages even more, much to Matteo’s dismay – they had finally made it to the flatshare. Matteo had fallen asleep in minutes, David holding him close, his head safely tucked under David’s chin. As David kissed the top of his head and buried his nose into the messy mop of hair, inhaling deeply and the familiar scent making him feel at ease, he had caught himself thinking that this could actually last. And that’s how he realized he really, _really_ wanted Matteo in his life. Officially.

After a couple of weeks of self-doubt, deep reflecting, and an ever growing desire of Matteo becoming a permanent part of his life, he had finally opened his mouth one night, in the middle of things getting more heated, feeling like he was about to spill his heart out for Matteo to see.

“Be with me,” he had managed out, his breathing a little heavy as Matteo had dropped small pecks along his jawline.

“I am,” Matteo had snorted back, pulling back a little to look David in the eye, amusement painted all over his expression. It had taken David aback for a second, before he had drawn a deep breath and shook his head.

“No. I mean, yes, but I–… I mean, _be with me_ ,” David had licked his lips nervously, tightening his grip on Matteo’s hips. “Together with me.”

He had felt Matteo’s arms tense around his shoulders and watched as his eyes grew a little, as he had stared at David with an unreadable expression, as though he was trying to find a joke behind his words.

“You’re–… Are you serious?”

Matteo’s words had sounded small and so silent David would have missed them if he hadn't been staring right back at Matteo. He had felt slight panic rising in his chest and his mouth had gone dry as he thought he had said something wrong, after all.

“I– I mean, yeah. I’m serious. But if you don’t want it, it’s okay, of course. We’re good as we are, anyway, but I just thought–”

David had rambled at such a pace that it took Matteo pressing a couple of fingers to his lips to make him go quiet. David had swallowed thickly, feeling like a deer in the headlights as he locked his eyes with Matteo, who’s expression had melted into something very vulnerable – like he was about to cry, and it had made David panic a little more, before Matteo had bit his lips and leveled him with a look.

“Are you sure?” Matteo had asked, sliding his hand back onto David’s shoulder. David had felt like words were failing him, so he simply nodded, another wave of uncertainty coursing through him.

“I don’t know how any of this works,” David had sighed, his shoulders slumping a bit as he had let his eyes close for a moment. “I might be very bad at it. It’s all new to me and–… And–… I’m so afraid I might do something to ruin it. I’ve already done that once. And I would never want to do that to you and hurt your like that and–”

“Hey.”

Matteo’s had placed his hands carefully on David’s cheeks, the skin feeling warm against his own, and gently turned his face so their eyes met again. David’s heart had melted right there, as he saw the fondness on Matteo’s face. Matteo had gnawed on his lower lip, and then brought their foreheads together, closing his eyes.

“You won’t be alone in this. It’s a two-way deal,” he had said, voice soft. “I might fuck things up as well.”

“I can take it,” David had said immediately, drawing back a little bit and covering Matteo’s hands with his own. “I just want you in my life. As my boyfriend.”

“God, you’re so sappy,” Matteo had teased, but it lacked the usual heat as his face had broken into a smile that had been the brightest thing on the planet and the kiss that followed was the sweetest promise David had ever been given.

David woke up to a knock on Matteo’s door. He frowned and cracked an eye open, unable to move under Matteo, who had chosen to drape himself over David like an octopus during the night. There was another knock and Matteo snuffled, lifting his head with a groan. He opened his eyes and squinted at David, something like a pout forming onto his face.

“Why’re you being noisy so early?”

His voice was hoarse with sleep and his hair was sticking to pretty much every direction, which made David snort and bring a hand up to ruffle it up even more, as he yawned widely.

“Not me. Someone knocked.”

With that, the door opened slowly and Linn peeked in, pushing the door wider and stepping in to stand in the doorway, a somewhat mortified expression plastered on her face. David made an annoyed sound at the sudden light and commotion, as Matteo turned to look at her, squinting against the bright light coming in from the common area. David chose to pull the nearest duvet over his face in hopes of maybe squeezing in another minute or two of sleep, and heard Matteo clearing his throat to get rid of the most morning rasp – not that it was any help.

“Linn? What’re you doing here?” Matteo asked from beside him, rolling off of David to face her better, David assumed, but was still a little miffed due to loss of warmth.

“Mornin’. There’s breakfast. Up, you two.”

It sounded like an order, the kind of one does not say no to, and David could hear the lights being flicked on, confirmed by a loud protest from Matteo. Then he heard footsteps moving away from their room, but no door closing behind her. David let out a sigh, determined to drift back into slumber, when the duvet was abruptly pulled off of his face. In surprise, he blinked his eyes open and regretted it immediately as the bright ceiling light hit them, throwing an arm over his eyes to cover them. Next he felt a poke at his ribs, strong enough to make him shriek, his own voice still scratchy from sleep as well. He managed to open one eye and peeked at Matteo from under his arm, scowling as Matteo poked him again.

“Stop it.”

“Stop it,” Matteo imitated him with a nasal voice, poking again, and David rolled over with a long whine, trying to get away from the pokes but almost dropping off the bed in the process. He felt the bed shake and tip as Matteo sat up and crawled off it and let his eyes slide closed once more. Mere seconds later, he felt a tickle at his sole and yelped, quickly pulling his feet away from the tickling. 

“I’ll seriously kick you if you won’t stop,” David groaned and blindly threw a pillow in the approximate direction of Matteo, missing by a mile judging from the snicker he then heard. He turned to frown at Matteo, who was now smiling way too smugly for such an early hour.

“She said there’s food. I’m hungry.”

“Then go.”

“Not without my boyfriend, I won’t.”

David scoffed, but was unable to push down the fond smile that appeared on his lips, which was topped with a kiss from Matteo. With the energy from it, David finally dragged himself into a sitting position, pulling his own duvet with him, just in time to be hit on the stomach by a hoodie which Matteo tossed his way. He took a look at the blue hoodie, recognizing it to be, in fact, Matteo’s by the incredibly soft fabric.

“We sharing clothes now?” he teased, but still pulled a hoodie over his head. He then got up from the bed to find some pants, only to be offered a pair by Matteo, who shrugged.

“Yes.”  
  
“Hmm. Someone feeling a bit domestic?”

David smirked as Matteo sputtered and leaned in to give a quick peck to the corner of his mouth as Matteo recovered, shoving David’s face away playfully.

“Whatever, weirdo.”

It seemed like Matteo tried to sound annoyed, but his smile betrayed whatever scowl he was trying to pull. David snorted, willingly stepping away for a moment to snatch his phone from the side of the bed. As he turned back, Matteo was rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, yawning. David huffed softly at the sight. As suspected, Matteo’s rare burst of energy at such an early hour of the morning had been due to Linn being back for the first time in a couple of weeks, and it wasn’t bound to last.

“Coffee?” he offered, taking a few steps to get back to Matteo, and let him drop his head on his shoulder. Matteo hummed contently as David brought a hand up to gently scratch his scalp, nuzzling his nose to the fabric of the hoodie David was wearing.

“Hm, yeah. Coffee.”

As they entered the kitchen, Linn was already sitting at the table, a steaming tea mug in her hand as she nibbled on the sandwich in her other. David noted there were two more plates with ready sandwiches on them, as well as three that were already used and tossed aside. Linn lifted her gaze when Matteo, despite his morning grumpiness that was now starting to kick in, crossed the kitchen to hug her. David did the same, then plopping himself next to Matteo by the table.

“How’d you get back so early? I thought it’d be a longer thing,” Matteo asked, grabbing the coffee mug that was set ready for him and gulping down almost half of it one go. David shook his head, amused, and took the sandwich gratefully as his stomach was now reminding him of its existence.

“We were done quicker than we expected so I was able to fly back earlier. Came back last night around one, I think,” she said, taking a sip from her tea.

“How was Finland?” David asked, and Linn seemed to mull over her answer a little bit.

“It was… cold. Beautiful, but cold. An experience and a half, really, trying to work in sleet that sometimes froze overnight.”

“Delightful,” Matteo noted dryly, taking a bite out of his sandwich.

“Right? I don’t understand how Santeri can be so unbothered by it,” Linn sighed.

“He was there?”

“Yeah, he was visiting for work as well and we flew back together. Which actually reminds me!”

Linn put down her mug and sandwich, and rose from her chair. She made her way to the side counter and picked up a small package that had been waiting on there, offering it to Matteo.

“He told me to give this to you.”

David glanced at her and then looked over to Matteo, intrigued. Matteo frowned, and casted an unsure look at Linn, who simply shrugged and sat back down. Matteo pulled open the wrapping, taking a peek inside and slamming the paper right back so the gift was covered, his cheeks now red with embarrassment, judging by his wide eyes. And oh, David really needed to know what was inside there, now that he had been presented with a reaction like this. He reached for the package, only for Matteo to snatch it out of his reach.

“No.”

“Let me see,” David laughed, trying to get a hold of the package again, making grabby hands as Matteo kept it even further away.

“Absolutely not,” Matteo said quickly. “It needs to be buried in the box and never looked at again.”

“What? A box?”

“Yes. A box.”

It took a minute, but it finally occurred to David what he meant. The night before, just after they arrived at the flatshare after Laura kicked them out into the night, he had accidentally knocked down a box from the top of Matteo’s drawer as he had been trying to find a spare charger. The whole box had opened and spilled its insides all over the floor, and Matteo had stared at him in horror, as he took in the various, fairly questionable looking trinkets around his feet. One of them caught his eye, and he just had to pick it up to see if he had seen it correctly. He was indeed holding a wooden dildo, with a carved moose head at the other end of it. It had made him completely break down, laughing so hard he was actually crying and holding his stomach while Matteo had made a quick job of cleaning the stuff up, snatching the dildo from David’s hand with a hissed _they’re from Hans and Santeri, like, souvenirs from their trips._ All David had managed as an answer was _I can’t breathe_ and more laughter.

“Oh. Oh, _that_ box! Now I really need to see it. Hand it over!” David grinned and tried to reach again, causing Matteo to stuff the whole thing into the pocket of his sweats. David scoffed, trying to snake his hand to the pocket, but earning a pointed smack on top of his hand.

“Where‘re you putting your hands? In the middle of the kitchen?” Matteo yelped, although David was very sure it was just for a show, so he leveled a look with Matteo, completely unamused. They were disturbed by Linn’s cough.

“Speaking of which,” she said with a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I hope you guys are aware that our rooms are literally aligned so that my room is right in the middle of Matteo’s room and Leonie’s.”

As both David and Matteo simply stared at Linn, not really knowing what to make of her statement, Linn sighed again, even deeper.

“Please, just… Keep it down next time we happen to be in the same place for the night.”

Matteo almost choked on his coffee he just took a sip of, and David let his face fall into his hands, a helpless laugh escaping his lips. His sister he could handle, but it was all sorts of different embarrassment to hear this from someone else. To his relief, Linn joined his laughter, and finally Matteo, although all three of them seemed a little mortified by the situation.

“Wait, does this mean Leonie had someone over?” David then perked up at the new information. Linn’s face told him he was right, but she also looked like she couldn’t believe her ears.

“You–… You’re kidding, right?”

“What?” Matteo looked as confused as David felt. Linn looked between them for a few seconds before, shaking her head, seemingly in disbelief.

“I can’t believe you two. You must live on your own planet half of the time.”

With that, she got up and tossed the rest of her tea into the sink along with the used plate, taking the rest of her sandwich with her.

“Wait, Linn! Is she actually dating someone? Why haven’t I seen them? Where are you going?” Matteo tried to call after her, turning in his chair to follow her with his gaze.

“To surprise the love of my life,” Linn called back from the corridor, obviously ignoring Matteo’s other questions.

“Thank god, she’s been pissed off the whole time you were gone,” David said. Linn appeared back, into the kitchen doorway, collecting her bag from the kitchen floor.

“Can’t blame her. She’s been forced to deal with you two alone, poor thing.”

Matteo took a piece of red bell pepper from the top of his sandwich and tossed it in Linn’s direction, but she already disappeared back into the corridor, soft giggles following her. Matteo scoffed and drank the remnants of his coffee, as his phone buzzed in his pocket. David munched on some more of his sandwich, but turned to look at Matteo when he felt the weight of his stare on him. Matteo had a delighted grin on his face, almost expectant, and it made David swallow slowly.

“What is it?”

Matteo put his phone back into his pocket, then stretched his arms, making David’s wait as long as possible. He pouted, but earned no reaction from Matteo, who simply stared at him.

“Matteo,” David laughed, poking at his side and causing him to yelp with a snicker. “What is it?”

“Okay, okay,” Matteo hummed, tilting his head slightly, and bit his lip. It then hit David that Matteo seemed almost _nervous_.

“What are you doing on Sunday?”

“You, hopefully,” David replied cheekily, getting Matteo to roll his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah. We need to avoid angry flatmates now, though.”

David winked at him in response: they would find a way. Matteo finally scoffed and picked up another piece of bell pepper to toss at David’s face. 

“Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not talking about our sex life. No, uh, it’s about Sunday afternoon.”

Matteo looked down at his phone again as if his earlier boldness was leaving him with every word, and he had to regain his composure. So, David waited patiently, giving him space to collect his thoughts.

“So, uh… I already told you that my mom wants to, like, meet you, because you’re my boyfriend, you know. And she, uh, asked me if we had time this Sunday?” Matteo said, and pulled at his sleeves, eyes averted. “We don’t have to go, though, if you don’t want to. I mean, if it’s too–… If you don’t feel comfortable with it, or if you don’t want to meet her. Or whatever.”

David breathed out and took hold of one of Matteo’s hands, holding it tight, and looked straight at him. 

“From what you’ve told me, I’m sure your mom is lovely.”

David turned to Matteo completely and wrapped his arm securely around Matteo’s waist, pulling him against his side, thighs pressed together. He licked his lips and weighted on his words for a second, just so he was sure they’d come out right. 

“I am nervous about it, honestly. But I’m here. And I’m staying, okay? I would be very happy to meet your mom.”

He gave Matteo a peck on the nose in reassurance. Matteo exhaled loudly, visibly relieved, and slumped against him. 

“Okay. Good. Um, then I’ll text her we can meet her on Sunday afternoon. I need my sleep,” Matteo mumbled into his shoulder. David hummed in response and pulled Matteo closer, putting his hands on Matteo’s hips. Which reminded him: Matteo still had the package in his sweats. This would be his chance to get it. 

It was a bit of a sly trick, really, but he went for it anyway. Subtly, he snaked his hand into one of Matteo’s pockets and extracted the package before Matteo realized what was going on. Matteo protested loudly, but David batted his hands away as he turned his back to Matteo to take a look. 

Inside the wrapping was a magnet that had a single man on it, naked except for a pair of leather boots and a leather sailor’s cap. He had his legs obscenely spread and was chained to the brick wall behind him. He was also sporting an impressive hard-on. After all the “trinkets” he had seen, this was not even the most sexual thing Hans and Santeri had gotten Matteo. 

“Oh, Tom of Finland, huh? A professor discussed Touko Laaksonen – the artist, I mean – in one of my classes when I was still in Hamburg.”

That the professor had had an obsession with all things concerning bondage art, and how it was just a little too big part of his classes, he conveniently left out. The magnet also had a certain erotic thrill, and he did find the art very good, even though Tom of Finland-stuff was a bit brutal for his own taste. The print of the magnet was actually very high quality, as well, not letting down the artwork on it, so Santeri had definitely made a good choice. 

“Uh, David?”

David snapped himself out of it and looked up. Matteo had a rather spooked expression on his face and actively tried to not look at the magnet.

“I should really give that back to Hans and Santeri. They actually like the stuff _way_ more than me. They even have oven mitts with these naked dudes on them,” Matteo said sheepishly. Then, his eyes narrowed. 

“Unless you actually like that?”

“We could go to your room to find out,” David said, licking his lips, making a show out of it. Matteo recoiled, and took the magnet back from David, stuffing it back into his pocket. Nevertheless, he put his hand in David’s and levelled him with a stern look before a smirk spread on his lips.

“Fine. But I am not going to deal with any noise complaints. You’re on your own.”

Begrudgingly, David had spent the evening before the visit to Matteo’s mom with Laura, sleeping over at his own place – without Matteo. They had watched _Carol_ , one of Laura’s favorites, but his heart hadn’t been in it, and at breakfast, after a restless night, he had nearly dropped the jar of jam that Linn had made for Laura’s birthday. The thought of meeting Matteo’s mom and making a good impression just weighed too hard on his mind. His fiddling had been so strong that Laura had teased him multiple times that he was spending so much time with Matteo that he had even picked up his nervous habits. David had simply snorted, and noted that they were listening to Linn’s favorite singer, which had wiped Laura’s satisfied smirk right off her face.

Now he was standing at the _U-Bahn_ entrance where he and Matteo had decided to meet up. Matteo was running a bit late which was nothing new, but today, David wished he’d be more punctual, as he himself had been waiting for half an hour, since he had arrived ridiculously early, his new shoes digging into his heels from all the standing around. In the last minutes, he had just been clicking his phone screen on and off again and looking at the shoes of the people passing. The view was a painting waiting to be made, but he didn’t have the calm to take reference pictures now. 

Logically, he knew it would all be fine. Matteo’s mom was the sweetest, by what Matteo had told him, and Matteo had so much love for her. She was nothing like his own parents. 

How much he would give to be able to slip his headphones on. He could’ve focused on the soothing voice of the audiobook he had started listening to last night, but because of hectics, he’d forgotten to bring them with him. So instead, he turned to the walls of the station, tracing the new tags and graffiti that covered them. 

A beat later, he felt a hand on his shoulder and Matteo’s voice murmured a _sorry I’m late_ into his ear. He kissed David’s cheek, leaving a warm trace behind, and took his hand. 

“No worries. Let’s go, though? Can’t keep your mom waiting,” David responded, mustering a small – yet unsure – smile, and squeezed Matteo’s hand, and pulling him to the platform.

They were able to snatch a seat on one of the benches on the platform, luckily. Just the one, though, as the woman next to them had placed what seemed to be a mountain of bags on the other seats. Matteo had opted to sit on David’s lap, leaning back so his head was slightly digging into David’s shoulder, David’s arm keeping him from falling off. He didn’t mind. The extra weight grounded him more than anything else had. It was only now that David realized how exhausted Matteo was; he had obviously not slept well either.

David bit at the loose skin on his lower lip, and mechanically clenched and unclenched his right hand. He felt a hand tentatively curl around his own which was on Matteo’s waist. David sighed and put his chin down on Matteo’s shoulder. He was going to be fine. Last night, Laura had told him the same thing. Even Linn had tried to reassure him a few days ago. They all knew about his hang-ups. He would just have to do it. And Matteo had assured him his mom wouldn’t be offended even if they had to leave halfway through the afternoon. It was still very hard to try to find some peace of mind through his nerves.

Their train came and, uncharacteristically, Matteo immediately got up from David’s lap, pulling him off the bench shortly after and finding them empty seats in one of the last carriages.

David held on to Matteo’s hand all the way to his old house. Matteo’s grip was just as strong as his own. He knew that it wasn’t just him feeling uneasy, and that Matteo was also apprehensive about coming back here, to the home that held nearly all his childhood memories, where his father’s shadow could spring up on him at any moment. 

In a way, David was happy that he hadn’t visited Berlin with his parents when he was old enough to remember it. His aunt had moved aways from the area around Potsdam to some small town in Saxony when he was five. Maybe, if this went well, he could be brave and contact her after so many years of radio silence. She still sent Laura and him birthday cards every year, even after all that happened. 

They came to a halt in front of a white painted post-war building. It had a small garden with blooming flowers; spring had swiftly approached them in the last few weeks. Matteo let out a deep sight next to him which made David pull him into his side. He put his arm around David’s middle, squeezing it.

“Ready?” he asked. 

David nodded.

Matteo hit the bell that had a sign with _Florenzi_ next to it. 

_“Hello?”_

A soft voice came through the speaker. David’s heartbeat picked up as Matteo answered something he didn’t catch. This was real. He would soon enter this building and face Matteo’s mom. No. Meet her, for the very first time. For a moment, he tried to picture what it would be like to take those pristine steps up to his parents’ beige flat in Hamburg. But then, he remembered that the flat would hold some other dysfunctional rich family as his parents had moved into a smaller, even more upscale flat when he was eighteen, after getting rid of him and Laura living under their roof. So even if the situation hadn’t been what it was now, there _was_ no childhood home for him to go back to. 

The entrance door was buzzed open. When they stepped into the hallway, a door to their left opened, and a woman came to stand in the doorway. Matteo’s mom, he recognized her from the pictures Matteo had shown him, mostly ones from the little photo album he kept on his bookshelf – it also had some incredibly cute pictures of Matteo as a child. Laura had a book with their own pictures, the ones that they had been able to save. Maybe he should show them to Matteo later. 

Matteo leaped forward to hug his mom and she hugged him back just as enthusiastically, muttering something silent enough only for Matteo to hear. Then, she turned to David.

“You must be David. Matteo told me such wonderful things about you.”

Matteo’s mom positively beamed at him. It still wasn’t enough to settle his nerves.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Florenzi”

David held out his hand, unsure of how to proceed, and Matteo’s mom seemed to consider it for a moment, before she held her arms out slightly, a question in her eyes. When David nodded, she gave him a short, but warm hug. David closed his eyes, and heard a little chuckle from besides him. Matteo always had _impeccable_ timing.

They separated, and Matteo’s mom put her head to the side, looking at him with the same half-smile Matteo wore some of the time. 

“By the way, you can call me Carolina, or Caro for short, if you want.”

“Um, thank you, Carolina.”

Matteo’s mom frowned and replied: “Ugh, nevermind. That actually makes me sound like my grandmother. Just call me Caro.”

She was still smiling at him, meanwhile Matteo groaned out from where he stood on the doormat, mumbling something about just going inside and stupid formalities. He made such a cute display when he almost tripped while taking off his shoes and putting them on the shoe rack in the hallway. David’s parents would have had a fit at that shoe rack. They had zero trust in the world. Dirty shoes were carried to the terrace in a towel and cleaned immediately. 

Looking up, he saw that Matteo’s mom was watching her son with a soft, loving look in her eyes. He could see from where Matteo had gotten his smile.

As they walked into the bright flat which had forest green walls and sunflowers everywhere, a small tabby cat with white paws – which looked like little boots – came into the hallway. It sat down on a big knitted rug and curled its tail around its front paws, observing them through its amber eyes as they took off their coats. Matteo and his mom ceased their chatter when Matteo exclaimed a gleeful _Charlie!_ and only had eyes for the cat. David had always been slightly indifferent to pets, really, as his parents didn’t tolerate pets and dirt and smell and affection and– 

And it really came as a surprise to him how much his youth still bothered him. 

Matteo’s mom – no, Caro – looked over at him, a concerned look on her face. It really was amazing how easily she seemed to catch up if something was wrong, even though David would have liked it not to show on his face so easily.

“Not used to cats?” Matteo’s mom asked, “Charlie is such a trusting cat. No worries. If you let her, she’ll be claiming your lap in no time.”

David smiled abashedly at her. He was a bit scared to spook the animal, with his lack of experience with any pets, but he would try his best. In the meantime, Matteo and the cat had come to some sort of understanding: the cat was now comfortably in his arms, its head pillowed on Matteo’s shoulder. David couldn’t resist and took out his phone to snap a picture. This he could do, to admire Matteo, his trusting nature, the way the cat just accepted him. It made his nerves lessen a bit – besides, it was _adorable_.

They – Matteo’s Mom, David, and Matteo with his live cargo – entered a room that was both living room and dining room. A bit further away, the sun streamed through the window of an open kitchen. Everything was earth-toned with wooden accents. The sofa looked soft, ready to sit in, a soft blanket neatly folded at one end of it. And there were plants everywhere, though he noted that some of them were missing several leaves. 

Matteo came up next to him and followed his line of vision to a rather miserable spider plant.

“Charlie likes her vegetable snacks, like you.” 

He bumped David’s side, which the cat in his arms didn’t seem to appreciate and struggled to get out of Matteo’s hold, jumping onto the couch, where it sat back and stared primly at them. Matteo shook his head and let out a sorrowful moan. 

“The cat doesn’t love me, David. Comfort me.”

David snorted, and gave Matteo a little peck on the cheek, then patted at the spot gently. Matteo pouted, and just as he went in to give him a proper kiss, David’s stomach growled. They both burst out laughing.

“You said your mom had cake?” he said lowly, with a chuckle in his voice. Matteo laughed heartily again, the sound of it a balm to David’s frazzled nerves, finally helping him relax.

“Mhm. She’s getting it ready.”

They helped Matteo’s mom set the table, one of them – Matteo – staying in the living room part as soon as the cake was on the table. As it turned out to be carrot cake, and the cat was apparently very fond of carrots, they wanted to prevent it from ruining the cake before they could even have a bite. David frowned at the cat, which sat at a distance but kept its eyes straight on the dessert. What an odd creature it was, David thought.

The cake was good, if a bit dry, which was very much compensated by the rich frosting. Matteo and his mom chit-chatted, David contributed whenever he could, but he was also content just listening at the two. He mentioned the garden by the door, and Caro was utterly pleased at the notice, telling him it was actually her, with the help of an elderly neighbor, who had taken care of putting the flower bulbs into the soil. This launched them into a lengthy discussion about the merits of different house plants as David had some house plants of his own – now suffering a bit under his neglectful attendance to them, seen as he spent nearly half his days and nights at Matteo’s place. Matteo rolled his eyes and petted the cat that had come to sit next to his chair, still staring at the cake with hopeful eyes, but he did not let it jump on his lap. 

The plates and remnants of the cake were soon brought to the kitchen; the plates disappeared in the dishwasher – oh, the joy to have a dishwasher – and most of the cake went into a big container and into the fridge. A small plastic container was set aside for them to take home – Matteo’s mom insisted on it, as she had noticed the way David had devoured the cake. 

Afterwards, they sat down on the couch, Matteo’s mom taking a red-striped armchair, and continued talking. Caro was delighted to hear that David was also a musician, playing guitar and being in an a cappella group, and even managed to play a bit of piano. When the piano was mentioned, David noticed Matteo looking wistfully at a space next to the living room door. With all the stuff going on, David hadn’t noticed the light-brown upright piano there. It seemed old, but well kept, and had piles of sheet music on it. The stool in front of it was cleared of clutter, though, which meant that Matteo’s mom still played frequently. 

Caro turned to look at the piano from where she was sitting cross-legged on the armchair. 

“I’m just practicing a few pieces, nothing special.” 

She shrugged.

“Ah, Matteo,” she turned to him, a little smile on her lips, “I was actually looking for my classical pieces and found some of our four-hand sheet music!”

Matteo tensed up just the slightest bit and David put his hand on his knee. He just nodded silently and put his head on David’s shoulder. Caro looked at him for a second, like she was thinking of something, before she straightened her posture a bit.

“I was wondering, uh, if–” she stopped herself, then continued, “if you would like to play? I don’t know if you still practice, but…”

Matteo’s shoulders relaxed, and he sagged a bit more against David. He knew that this was still somewhat difficult for Matteo.

“I– Yeah, we could do that, if you want.” Matteo sat up straight again. David was so proud of him, and tried to convey that with the way he beamed at his boyfriend. “I haven’t played too much, though. Only took it up again some time ago.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it! Would you like to pick a piece?”

“Um, do you maybe still have the Joe Hisaishi stuff?”

“Of course!, I found a whole folder of it, actually.”

She got up from the armchair and Matteo left David on the couch. They took a dining chair with them, placing it next to the piano stool, a well-rehearsed motion. Together, they stood at the piano and started picking up the sheets that were lying around.

The cat saw the opportunity of freed-up space on the couch, and settled next to David’s thigh. A warm, small presence, which very quietly started to purr, much to David’s surprise. Tentatively, he stretched out his hand to scratch behind its ears. Matteo looked over from where he and his mother were going through the sheet music, his eyes scrunched into half-moons by his big smile. 

“Here it is!”

“That was your favorite, I remember.” 

“We’re going to play a four-hand arrangement to Joe Hisaishi’s _Merry Go Round of Life_ ,” Matteo said in David’s direction.

It didn’t ring any bells and, obviously, Matteo noticed him just blankly staring at the mention of the title. Matteo rolled his eyes.

“Right, you don’t know him. It’s from _Howl’s Moving Castle_ , the Hayao Miyazaki movie I made you watch a few months ago,” he explained.

“Ah, one of those you fell asleep while we were in the middle of watching?” David said, just for the sake of teasing him. Matteo’s mom laughed slightly. 

“Nothing has changed. Matteo used to do that as a child, too. Even in the cinema, once.”

Matteo played offended.

“I can’t believe you two are ganging up on me.”

“What can I say, I really like David,” Caro answered, winking at David, who looked down abashedly and buried his hand in the cat’s fur.

They both turned to the piano and sat down, Matteo on the piano stool and his mom on the dining chair. Matteo opened the piano, and his mother placed the sheet music on the little stand that could be flipped open. Then, they looked at each other, placing their hands on the keys, and Caro softly counted. _One two three_. _One two three_.

They started out hesitantly, slowing down after a few notes. It was evident that they had played the piece many times, but also that they had not practiced for a long time. They slowed down further, a few misses sounding through, but never stopped – not even when their hands collided mid-play. They kept on going, and slowly but surely, they regained the tempo. In the beginning, Matteo had been tapping his foot furiously to keep with the beat, but stopped soon enough, as he was now playing along, listening to his mother, interacting with her. They started to move like a team, anticipating where the other’s hand would go, making less mistakes, letting the song flow between them, into them, connect them. Like they had finally found their way back to each other, and would stay together from now on.

For a moment, David felt blissful revelling in the music, in the beauty and tenderness of it. But then, something ugly started forcing itself up his throat, the thought of his own parents yelling at Laura, at him, flashing in his mind. The memory was strong enough to make tears spring into his eyes, threatening to fall, but he looked up, blinking to make them not to. At least, he was there to witness this beautiful playing, this mother and son who loved each other very much. And who loved him, or had already closed him into her heart, in the case of Matteo’s mother. He wasn’t about to let his shitty teenage years ruin it.

David bit his lip, willing himself to calm down, to just listen. Beside him, the cat was looking up at him with her big, black-rimmed eyes. She placed her little paw on his leg, as if to reassure him that he was safe. And maybe, if he was lucky enough, this could also become a place he could come home to as well. He would love that very much.

Matteo and his mother ended their last chord at the same time. Then, they took their hands off the keys and broke out in soft cheers, hugging each other. The tears in David’s eyes had dried, unspilt, with some help of soft purring from his side, and he clapped for them with immense pride in his chest. Without a warning, the cat then suddenly sprang to attention, following his every move, and started batting at his hands. 

When Matteo turned around, David noted that his eyes were slightly red-rimmed. He beckoned, and Matteo walked over to him, plopping into his side. Matteo’s mom had moved to the entrance of the kitchen, warmth and happiness practically radiating off of her.

“Tea, anyone?” she asked.

They both nodded. They could stay a little longer.

April was nearing its end when the first warm days finally hit Berlin, the bright sunlight painting the streets and parks green and dragging people out of their houses to enjoy the spring in full bloom. Inspired by the awakening nature, Sam and Kiki had gotten the idea to have a little spring celebration outside, in _Volkspark Humboldthain_ – and that’s where David found himself, along with all the people from his and Matteo’s a cappella group. Some of their other friends had joined them as well, like Santeri and Hans, as well as Sam’s roommates Mia and Victoria.  
  
The day was the warmest of that year so far, so much so that one could easily do with a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. They met up in one of the quieter corners of the park in the afternoon, chattering and laughter filling the air in no time. Despite the pleasant, almost summer-like weather, they did have a pile of jackets and blankets assembled on the side, as the evenings still tended to dip down to quite chilly temperatures, but for the afternoon, everyone made the most of the warm sun. Big, colourful sheets and blankets were placed onto the ground to mark the sitting area, snacks and drinks put next to them, as well as big speakers with a playlist which was currently manned by Omar – though the list was getting so long with all the song requests they’d hardly have time to actually listen to all of them in one evening.

David was currently occupied with a badminton match with Amira, both of them absolutely terrible with a racket, but doing their very best. As it turned out, they both had such a competitive nature and the game had quickly become a battle of retaining one’s honor by winning – and it had been going on for ages at this point. Finally, Amira managed to slam the birdie far away and even though David ran as fast as he could and tried to keep the birdie from hitting the ground, he missed it. He groaned out, picking up the birdie with a pout, while Amira laughed and cheered in victory.

“And so, after a heart-wrenching battle to the death, he misses the birdie by mere centimeters and the queen wins!” Matteo called out as he walked closer, filming Amira’s winning pose with his phone, then turning to David.

“Any last words after losing the battle?” he asked, walking closer, and David quirked a brow, completely unamused. Matteo burst out laughing.

“By the looks of it, we have a sore loser, friends.”

“I’ll show you a sore loser,” David scoffed and threw his racket in Matteo’s direction – lazily enough for Matteo to duck but with enough force for it to land nearby. Matteo jumped out of the racket’s way with a yelp, and scowled as David snickered, joined by laughter and hollers from the side – undoubtedly by Jonas and the boys.

“You’re the epitome of a sporting spirit,” Matteo said dryly, and this time David laughed out for real, jogging to him and snaking his arms around Matteo’s waist despite his half-hearted protests.

“You love me,” he teased, the words leaving his mouth before he even stopped to think about them further before Matteo froze in his arms for a second and stared at David with big eyes. David stared back at him, about to take them back, suddenly feeling like they were something too big to confess right at that moment, but was pulled out of his thoughts by Matteo’s huff, and soft lips on his.

“Guess I do,” Matteo said then, softly so only David could hear it, a fond smile lighting up his face – before jabbing David between his ribs, making him shriek. “And that’s for throwing that racket at me.”

“Fair,” David snorted and leaned in, trying to catch another kiss, but Matteo pushed his face away and jumped a bit further away, laughing. David attempted to pout, but couldn’t muster it as a grin fought its way to his lips. So he went after Matteo, ending up chasing him and dodging all the people Matteo tried to use as a cover, some of them even playing along, like Essam who did their best to try and stop David from running forward to catch Matteo. 

In the end, David did outrun Essam, as well as Jonas, Hanna, Sara and, finally, Matteo, not even particularly out of breath as he sat down on the blanket to have a little break. Matteo collapsed onto his lap and leaned heavily against his chest; David pulled him securely against himself, and rested his chin on Matteo’s head.

“How are you in such freakishly good shape?” Matteo panted out, taking the offered bottle of water from Essam who had now sat across them. Essam shook their head as well, taking a sip of their own bottle, and pointed a finger at David while looking Matteo straight in the eye.

“You’re dating an alien, I swear. Or, like, Edward Cullen or whatever he was, the vampire that runs at the speed of light or some shit.”

“I happen to exercise,” David snorted, accepting the bottle from Matteo and taking a sip as well. “You guys should try it some time.”

“Yeah, dream on. I think I’m dying,” Matteo whined, leaning even more weight on David’s shoulder, his head digging into it a bit painfully, as Essam nodded in agreement. David hummed and shook his head, completely amused at the pained expressions they were both sporting, and attempted to fan Matteo’s face with his other hand but almost fell onto his back when it earned him an offended squawk from Matteo. Essam snickered, and then perked up.

“Yo, Matteo. I never thanked you for the fundraiser thing. You saved my ass back then!”

“I didn’t, though. It was all you. I was simply there to tell you what to do and when,” Matteo huffed and shrugged, which came out a bit awkwardly as he was still leaning on David. David frowned and plopped his chin on Matteo’s shoulder.

“You’re underestimating yourself,” he stated and nuzzled his nose against Matteo’s cheek, getting a silent chuckle as a response. Essam scrunched up their nose.

“You two really are just as disgusting as Laura says you are,” they muttered and took another sip, the information making David squint and glance at the direction he last saw her, spotting her sitting with Linn and Hanna, if he remembered correctly, all three of them laughing brightly. He wondered what else Laura had said about them when he wasn’t there to hear it – it was bold coming from her anyway, seeing she and Linn were syrupy on default – but before he could ask about it, though, Essam continued: “No, but I mean it. Thank you, Matteo. I don’t even have the words to describe how big of a thing it was to have your support and to step on that stage.”

“Glad I could help. I mean, it was quite an event, so we all needed some support, I suppose.”

David felt Matteo’s hands squeezing lightly on his arms, still tied around Matteo’s waist. He smiled softly, squeezing his arms a bit tighter as a response.

“And we totally nailed it,” Essam grinned, smugness in their expression. Then, they looked between Matteo and David, their grin turning into more of a smirk. “And, well. You each other, as well.”

Essam wiggled their eyebrows exaggeratedly and both David and Matteo burst out laughing in surprise. Matteo then groaned, throwing up a hand at Essam.

“That was so bad!”

“You laughed, though.”

“Reflex. You ain’t that funny.”

“Oh fuck you, David. I’m a _delight_.”

They bickered back and forth for some time, Mohammed and Amira joining them after a while. Amira threw in a comment here and there, siding with whoever seemed suitable at the moment just to humor herself; Mohammed calmly listened, not saying much, an amused smile plastered on his face.

“I might as well move to the equator. This world is too cold.”

David wasn’t sure how they ended up on the topic, but he was quite certain Matteo was more than cosily warm on his lap, refusing to move anywhere – although with Matteo’s tendency to freeze by just thinking of rain or wind, he would probably feel very much at home, bathing in the sun in between the elephants. His skin on the other hand–

Amira clicked her tongue and narrowed her eyes.

“You better wait for two years. Then you can go and live with the savanna baboons for all I care.”

“Why two years?” Matteo frowned and David could practically hear him thinking. Amira lifted her eyebrows, staring at Matteo.

“Sorry to postpone your future in the wilderness, but I would still very much like it if you were present at my wedding.”

“Right,” Matteo hummed, then pausing and jerking up from David’s arms to sit properly. “Wait, you’ve decided on the date?”

“We’ve decided on the date,” Mohammed confirmed from next to Amira, and David turned to look at him with wide eyes and a goofy grin on his lips. Matteo looked at Mohammed as well, then back to Amira, seemingly at loss for words. His expression was apparently worth seeing as well, since Amira burst out into giggles.

“Man, your face!”

“Shut up about my face, you’re _getting married.”_

“They’ve been engaged for ages, Matteo. They’ve been getting married for a long time now,” David stated and snickered as Matteo scowled at him over his shoulder and slapped a hand on his thigh.

“I know that! But they’re, like, actually getting married!”

“Yes, Matteo. We’re getting married. And both of you are invited, so don’t let us down,” Amira said and kicked Matteo's foot, her teasing expression losing some of its effect because of the soft smile that spread on her face. David glanced at Mohammed who quirked an eyebrow at him, and David simply rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help grinning back at him.

“It’d be an honour.”

They slowly ended up talking about the upcoming a cappella evenings, Essam confidently announcing they’d be singing the lead vocals for _Fireflies_ during the theme evening which would be held _at K U N S T_ in two weeks _,_ Matteo fell back onto his lap, but rearranged himself so he was now sitting with his side against David, his head at his shoulder and legs bent over David’s. He had nothing but David’s arm behind his back to actually keep him upright, but it didn’t seem to bother him as he complained about about Sam, Laura and Omar ganging up on him: both of the groups had been invited to _BERVokal A Cappella Pop Festival_ after the fundraiser, and they had soon got into talks with Laura about making it a joined group thing to test their limits. Apparently, Sam had suggested two Billie Eilish songs, to which Laura and Omar had agreed immediately; Matteo had been against it as soon as he heard about it. After enduring Sam’s week-long begging and Laura’s persuasion tactics – which were suspiciously close to bribing in the form of making him copious amounts of shakshuka – he had finally agreed, on the condition of having a say in the joined group name, banning any Italian from it altogether.

David had heard the whole thing at least three times in the past two days, so he let his gaze drift, catching Leonie’s eye and waving at her immediately, as he remembered that there was something he wanted to find out. Leonie tilted her head questioningly, but walked over, a drink in hand.

“What’s up, lovebirds?” she asked, nodding towards Matteo’s position. Matteo stopped his rant and looked over his shoulder, spotting Leonie. David huffed, but a smirk made its way to his lips.

“I was about to ask the same, actually.”

Leonie frowned and shook her head a little as a sign she didn’t quite follow, and David felt even more smug.

“Huh?”

“I mean, a little bird told me you’re dating someone.”

Leonie fell quiet and stared at David with an unreadable expression – long enough to make David squirm a little.

“Uh… Are you?” 

Maybe he was wrong, after all, as Leonie still stayed dead silent. Then, to his surprise, she burst out laughing and Essam, Amira and Mohammed quickly followed her. David looked at between them, then to Matteo who looked just as confused as David felt.

“Man, _come on_ , you can’t be serious? Am I dating someone?” she exclaimed in between her laughs. “David, you’re such a good friend but _fuck_ you’re dense sometimes.”

“Oi, we live in the same house and you’ve never introduced us!” Matteo butted in, almost accusing. That made Leonie laugh even harder, though.

“Matteo, you see them all the time,” Amira then cried out. “Literally, _all the time_.”

“I can’t breathe, wow,” Leonie wheezed out, wiping her eyes from the tears that had sprung to them thanks to laughing so hard. “ _Are you dating someone_ , he asks. I know love makes you blind, but this is ridiculous!”

“Yeah, yeah, we get it,” David groaned, feeling his cheeks heating up a bit from embarrassment – although, fortunately he could hide his face in Matteo’s shoulder, who now even more at loss than a minute ago. “We’ve been occupied, blah blah, funny thing. Are you dating or not?”

“Yes, David, I am dating,” Leonie said, pointing a finger at Sara and Sam, who were now looking at them curiously. The loud laughter had obviously drawn their attention. “And we’ve been dating. For months, now.”

“For _months_?” 

David’s jaw dropped.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I assumed you have eyes,” Leonie laughed out, shaking her head. “Poor Linn, though, living in between our rooms.”

“Exactly! Poor Linn!” Linn exclaimed from the side, most likely due to catching her name, and sent them all into laughter. 

Despite still being just a tiny bit mortified, David giggled along with others, gladly giving support to Matteo who slumped heavy against him while cackling. And for the first time it hit him that these were the people that really felt like a new family to him.

After a delicious dinner where everyone had pitched in with something, be it baklava, börek, pasta salad, sandwiches or bruschetta, they were now sitting in little groups around the spot in the park they had claimed as their own.

The sun had set and it was starting to get cold; David could feel it on his cheeks. There was this dampness that always crept up from the river, but for now, it wasn’t too bad. He was sitting on two blankets, a hoodie now thrown over his shoulders, and Matteo had once again claimed his lap, this time lying in it, his head pillowed on David’s chest. It was in moments like this one, Matteo had told him, that he missed smoking the most. Holding a cigarette in his hands, watching the smoke twirl into the air, and having something to do with his hands.

Now, instead of a cigarette, Matteo was holding a steaming cup of tea, some carefully brewed white tea that Kiki had taken with her, Matteo, and his tendency to shiver constantly in mind. Matteo had offered some to David, but he had refused, knowing Matteo needed it more than him, and would pout about not having more later if he shared his mug now. David leaned forward and kissed the top of Matteo’s head; he almost had to double over to achieve it, but he didn’t mind much. Matteo made a pleased sound and pushed himself up a bit, snuggling further into his chest and the space between his legs.

David let his gaze travel. All around them, their friends were in similar positions. Jonas was sitting crouched over, his guitar in his hands, and playing some soft pop song. Nearly everyone around him, mostly Matteo’s friends with the addition of Essam, was singing along. Hanna had brought some candles with her – those big ones in clay pots – and deposited them all around their spot. Hans had even convinced Abdi to put up some battery-operated fairy lights in the surrounding trees, seen as he was the tallest of their lot according to Hans. 

Hans and Santeri were presently sitting on their Andy Warhol-blanket, Santeri’s head on Hans’ shoulder, both of their eyes drooping. Leonie, Sam, and Sara were in one big pile, whispering among themselves: Leonie had her girlfriends’ heads in her lap and was nursing a cup of tea as well. Amira and Mohammed were leaning over a piece of paper, jotting some stuff down and having a seemingly lighthearted discussion. A bit further away, he spotted Linn, Laura and Omar next to a tree trunk, Linn actually leaning against it. 

They made a wonderful picture. David had the urge to get up and take out his phone camera to capture it. It was no use, though, they were all sitting too far apart, and he didn’t want to untangle himself from Matteo, perfectly content against him. Maybe he could rely on his friends’ heavy instagram usage and just paint one from memory, using their posts as a reference, if it came to it.

Matteo was done with his tea, and set the mug down next to David’s leg, making him look down at his boyfriend.

“God, we really are those cliché musicians that are always making music, huh,” Matteo said good-naturedly, nodding towards the guys who now slowly swayed along the music, almost comically in synch.

“I mean, they obviously still have the energy for it. Unlike some of us,” David teased.

“Hey, we can’t all be fucking athletes, alright? And uh, don’t remember you saying I wasn’t welcome to lie here.”

David laughed and patted Matteo's chest. It was true. He hadn’t complained, and was more than happy in his current position. Matteo was the one that made him want to stay put. The one that showed him how to pause and appreciate the small things you had to quietly observe in order to notice them.

“You’re very welcome here. Are my knees comfortable enough?”

Matteo waited for a beat as if he had to think deeply about David’s question. Then, he said: “Knees are a bit knobbly for my taste. But they will do. Other than that–”

“You little shit,” David said, bowing down and nipping at Matteo’s ear.

When he bent lower to get at Matteo’s earlobe, he made a protesting sound batted David away. He knew Matteo was really sensitive there, and David gave in. Maybe his delightful reactions should remain a secret between them. Jonas looked up from his guitar just in time for a shit-eating grin spread on his face as he winked at them. David shook his head and buried his face in Matteo’s hair. It smelled of fresh air. 

“David?” 

Matteo took David’s hand in his ran his fingers over the contours of it. He hummed at the touch.

“Yeah?”

“It’s good.”

“What is?”

Matteo sighed happily, entwining their fingers. 

“All of this. It’s good.”

David hugged Matteo closer, smiling softly. He closed, letting the music which playing faintly in the distance swallow him as a whole, while Matteo kept drawing small circles into his hand. Matteo wiggled around some, and David felt a peck right at the corner of his mouth, turning his head a bit so Matteo could meet his lips. He cracked his eyes open just enough to see the loving expression on Matteo’s face, his heart melting at the sight. Matteo was right.

At this moment, with them together, everything was so incredibly good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes on the chapter:  
> \- [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76U38FfCsbY) is a four-handed rendition of _Merry Go Round of Life_ by Bella&Lucas벨라앤루카스  
> \- In the last park scene, Jonas is playing a [guitar cover](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZ1LzjnYdo0) of _Fading_ by Alle Farben.
> 
> You can find the original songs, as some others, in our now complete [Spotify-playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SMcHQezlylW5SRt7yDekj?si=qRHS8mGmQbSWZb6-r6xDwA) for this fic!
> 
>  **So, this is the point where we thank you all for reading, kudoing and commenting!!!** ❤
> 
> We would love to hear your thoughts on this concluding chapter as well as the whole story of _Hear me out and love will follow_! Did something keep you at the edge of your seat? What hit home the hardest? What was your favourite moment? Are you as good of a cook as David? Did you fall in love with Charlie the cat as much as David? Everything and anything, spill it!
> 
> We started this project all the way back in October, and this has been by far the biggest writing project either of us has ever worked on! After an initial conception phase, we have been writing on this ever since then, from different countries and time zones (on one memorable occasion in the same room!!). It has been a joy to write and look for fitting music, because this fic is basically our love letter to music and the characters of Druck. We hope you enjoyed the ride as much as we did! 
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> Love/Liebe Grüße/Halauksin,  
> Sini and Johanna


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